Editing Catachan Jungle Fighters

[[File:26405 sm-2nd Edition, Artwork, Catachan, Copyright Games Workshop, Imperial Guard, Retro Review.jpg|300px|thumb|right|They're kind of like Vietnam War-esque Diet [[Space Marines]] that bench trees and sweat hammers.]]
[[File:CatachanJungleFighters.jpg|300px|thumb|left|This man's knife is as big as his thigh, and his arms are the size of ''your'' thigh.  Clearly not a knife to be screwed with.]]
The '''Catachan Jungle Fighters''' are a [[Imperial Guard Regiment|Regiment]] of the [[Imperial Guard]] from the [[Death World]] of [[Catachan]]. They  are mainly noted for having what are quite possibly the largest balls in the  entire [[Imperium]], as Catachan is basically [[Warp|Hell]] where pretty much everything can kill, including the goddamn flowers. Every animal is either carnivorous and/or poisonous, with all carnivores hunting and devouring their smaller counterparts. Basically the [[Imperial Guard]]'s version of [[Marbo|Rambo]]/Schwarzenegger hybrids, super-survivalists based on the US Army (and Australian) Commandos/Marines of the Vietnam War. They are the toughest motherfuckers in town who are so ripped some believe they are a race of abhumans; they are in fact so muscled they can wear flimsy tanktops to show off their muscle and still get the same grade of protection as a [[Cadia|Cadian Shock Trooper]] in full armor, and the most RIPPED of them can get the same degree of protection as Carapace armor from their ROCK HARD ABS.  Keep in mind that flak armor can stop ''lasers'' and carapace armor can block ''bolter shells from Space Marines''. Wonder why the Emprah didn't create a Space Marine chapter out of these badasses... Oh yes, because they don't need it. What a Space Marine can do with his [[chainsword]], a Catachan can do more with just a knife. Except go from Oh Chi Min to Ha Noi. Nobody could do that. <strike>America</strike> Abaddon <strike>tries</strike> fail it for too long.

A Catachan's favorite weapon is his trusty, simple, utilitarian and old-fashioned knife. They have created a ridiculous amount of clearly bullshit myths around their knives, as stupid backworlders generally tend to. If you listen to a Catachan then you'd start to wonder why the Imperium bothers with power swords and nemesis force halberds if steel sharpened on a stone is so good. Some of the various lies told by Catachans include: These knives, which every man and woman and child on the planet has made themselves, are prized throughout the galaxy even more so than the "fancy" and overrated chainswords that take too much maintenance, break often, would probably jam in Catachan flora, and can't be used for hunting because the lubricant would soil the meat. Orks absolutely love these guys - any respectable Ork would trade a chainsword or chop off his own arm to trade for their knives. Especially so for their biggest, more a sword really than a knife - its renown among da Orks is known as "Da Cutta". In return, a Catachan would rather give up his knife arm than his knife. Other favoured weapons amongst Catachans are the Flamer/Heavy Flamer, Sniper Rifle, Shotgun, and Demolition Charge. Using a Heavy Flamer in dense foliage is regarded as both safe and manly by the Catachans, who are balls-out rock hard.

Catachans don't like [[commissars]] that much. Usually most commissars end up "accidentally" walking into a Catachan trap (aka their knives and lasbolts) or "disappear" in different ways. The one individual to escape from this is [[Colonel Greiss]], by merit of being such a balls-out hardcore motherfucker that the Catachans could not help to respect him. 
==Catachan: A ''very, very, very, very, very'' shitty place to live==
If you think it sucks where you live... well, you know absolutely nothing. Here are just a few reasons why Catachan is the last place in the entire galaxy outside the [[Warp]] or [[Commorragh|certain parts of the Webway]] you would (or should) visit:

*Humanity is near the '''BOTTOM''' of the food chain.
*Half of the babies are ''eaten violently'' before they are three.
*Half of those survivors are then eaten before they are ten.  (A 1 in 4 chance of survival).
*Every living thing on the planet is poisonous, carnivorous, or both. (Even the plants.)
*Most predators on Catachan aren't just giant monsters like you'd find on [[Space Wolves|Fenris]] or [[Flesh Tearers|Cretacia]]. That would just be too easy. Many of Catachan's most lethal killers are small and seemingly harmless, so they will almost certainly kill you before you even see them. An example of this are the Heretic Ants, (named because they start by eating away at men's soles; the soles of his feet for the literal-minded), along with the Catachan Barking Toad, which spontaneously combusts when startled, typically killing everything within a five meter radius, including the toad itself.
*There is so much dense jungle and so many deadly animals that Catachan does not need a planetary defense system, as the wildlife scares off the Tyranids, the Orks, even ''fucking Khorne Berserkers'' think twice before attacking.  
*You live at several times Earth's gravity.
*You have to burn the jungle away from your village with a Flamethrower at least once a day.
*The planet's major export is soldiers. No, wait. The planet's ''only'' export is soldiers (and dead commissars).
*Or in other words: Living on Catachan is like living perpetually in the first stages of a [[Tyranid]] invasion. In fact, some Magos Biologis have theorized that some of the wildlife (such as the Catachan Devil) may have actually been Tyranid bio-forms that were separated from the Hive Mind and went feral in the distant past.  In an issue of White Dwarf, Games Workshop even had the Catachan Devil as a Tyranid unit.

==Positive side==
There are, however, some positives that balance out all of the bad, bad things about being a guardsman from Catachan. Assuming you live long enough to enjoy them.

*Your muscles will be so thick that you count as having flak armor, even without a shirt on. If you wax your chest and liberally apply oil, it acts similarly to Space Marine armour. Only Catachan veterans know why this works. (it's because almost everything will slide off your abs up to and including battlecannon shells)
*Commissars seem about as intimidating as a grot compared to the horrors you've grown up with.
*You're able to kill [[Orks]] with your bare hands. If that doesn't work, you can use the FUCKHUEG knife you <strike>get</strike> build growing up.
*You might be led by [[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken|Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken]].
*You might also be led by [[Gunnery Sergeant "Stonetooth" Harker|Gunnery Sergeant "I headlock Tyranid Raveners to death" Harker]].
*You have superhuman strength (at least as compared to other Guardsmen; you're still not exactly a [[Space Marine]]).
:*Unless you are Gunnery Sergeant Harker, in which case you are actually ''stronger'' than most Space Marines.
*After all you went through growing up on your homeworld, most of the hardships of being in the Imperial Guard won't be a problem for you.
*You can make Hollywood Action Heroes (except for [[Chuck Noris|Our Lord Saviour]] and Charles Bronson) look like Justin Bieber by comparison.

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[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]]