Editing Oscar

Oscar is a character created specifically to troll mary-sue rp circle jerks on forums.


== '''Oscar's Story''' ==
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So, /tg/, one of my favorite things to do is to go on yahoo groups, find some small yet active RPG (vampire or star trek usually, best results) and I'll proceed to roleplay a stoner.

Now, this all began two years ago with a friend of mine, who was a GM in a post-by-post vampire rpg. Long story short, this game he's involved in gets taken over by second generations and faggoty time-shifting vampires. My friend, who is a GM but not the owner, cannot get these kids banned. It's free-form after all, and that's within the world. So, my friend begs me to join, telling me I can basically do whatever I want, as long as I try to ACT serious. So, being completely high as fuck at the time, I made up a character who was a complete human, first of all, and who smoked weed named Oscar. Not just any weed, however. The weed that God mentioned in the bible. This weed made me immune to vampires. They could still burn down my house and stuff, I suppose, but vampires couldn't just fuck me up. Now, I never abused this. I acted like a stoner, sitting around in my underwear while I watched Discovery Channel, went out for Pizza Hut, and not paying much attention when other PCs would continually try and discuss things with me. I even kept the weed mostly to myself, only giving it to other people when they stopped by, wherein I would try to smoke them out. 

Now, I did this as a joke, but the rage that was produced was epic. These guys that had pumped dozens of hours into their back stories (one guy named Crimson's background was 300 pages. No joke.) were suddenly being upstaged by a stupid stoner, who literally had a 5 sentence background. I didn't mean to, but these ultra-powerful guys weren't very interesting conversationalists. When you would say, "Man, it'd be cool if I had some money" they'd freeze time and get it for you, just to show you how AWESOME they were. Suddenly I had these vampire princes showing up to my one-room apartment I had in the vampire world to discuss matters of affair with me and everything. It was awesome. Well, the game ended not even a month later. In mass protest of my stoner, the vampires (and one angel, one half-demon and one wererat/mummy) left the game all at once one day. The game ran for about another week or two, but we could tell that the game was pretty much dead then.

Ever since then, I've gone around the internet to various horrible post-by-post rpgs, bringing with me Oscar. Guys who will ignore a power gamer or obvious flamer will fall to Oscar. When someone can hear about the destruction of the world and say "that's cool, let's get stoned motherfucker", that will blow their minds with blinding rage. 

Oscar's been in a few different sort of games. One time I was on the USS Revolution, a ship that was exploring... some fuck-off part of space in the Star Trek universe. I join the ship when they find me on a small stalled cargo ship, and they tractor me in. With some quick talking on my part, I get them to stay away from my personal quarters in the ship, citing that I'm religious and my room is my temple. Good for me, because all here is in there is a cot, lights, and plants plants plants. Anyhow, I happily show them the rest of my cargo, which consists of a lot of biological equipment, a nice personal food-maker thing, and lots of seeds. They don't have a biological member of their crew, so they invite me on.

Long story short, they live to regret it. The GM one day decides that I've studied weed enough to make a techno-weed (I STILL don't know how that works, but it has to do with alien bacteria in the THC) and I end up getting the ship's AI completely ripped via holographic projection. Then, to make things completely inappropriate and as a coup de gras, I end up having sex with the ship. Sorta. The captain of the ship, (Sonja Everwood) ended up kicking me off the ship when she realized I had asked the ship to holographically recreate the image of the captain during our "session."

In the end, the crew of the ship snuck me back on, and I ended up getting blazed in space until the captain quit in a fury, leaving post about how her crew abandoned her for a stoner. 

Oscar had just entered Tokyo early one morning as I joined a Sailor Moon RPG. Basically, the person who ran the game was wary of my character at first, but I assured her that Oscar would eventually amount to more than a pot smoking loser. I had plans for him.

The game went pretty good. The best session I had in my month and a half is when I spent a good two hours roleplaying with the people who played Sailor Moon and Sailor Jupiter. I convinced them that when the world went all Neo-Tokyo and shit, they should keep me around as an advisor. They agreed, as I passed the blunt to them, and then I was in like flint. I spent the rest of my time there making fun of the guy who played Tuxedo Mask, smoking out sailor senshi and bad guys alike, and eventually getting kicked out when I broke the cardinal rule, no sex in the game. (Which was weird. 18+, no sex.)

Now, just a quick interjection. I mentioned sex in the last story too. In NO WAY do I aim for awkward sex scenes, but aparrently the females who play these games have nothing to pound their snatches to except my awkward descriptions of Oscar prematurely ejaculating (for the lulz) and smoking joints during sex. Really, some of these chicks have got to get laid. And that's coming from me, a guy who giggles at trolling rpgs.

Anyhow, I end up having sex with Sailor Moon. Score. The GM exploded when she agreed to go down on my 420, if you know what I mean, and she kicked me out, barring the game to new players.

BTW, the plot of the game later continued with Oscar's influence without him being there. Sailor Moon announced later in the game that the child was mine, a couple of the senshi kept toking up., and even more shenanigans. The ezboards account, so lovingly paid for, is barren and desolate today. 

Anyhow, latest story has to do with D&D 3.0.

The setting was Ravenloft, and the characters were all sorts of heroes summoned from around their worlds for a dark purpose. Or, whatever. Now, the DM had his own Ravenloft campaign in mind, apparently stemming heavily from Loecraft. (Giant tentacles in the sky, being driven mad, ect.) Everyone is level seven in the game, even Oscar. He's a level 7 commoner.

Now, I made the oop vow when I joined that I would be the longest living character, but I never would have DREAMED that it would come through quite the way it did. We came up to a fountain deep in the first dungeon, for example, and the party begins to discuss what to do as I toke up. Now, there's an undead guy in the group, and he's getting fed up that I've been snacking and hiding from the undead we've been fighting, so he demands I taste the water first. He's a cleric, and he can rez me. I look skeptically at the water, which the DM describes as "curiously opaque." I take a drink, and it refills my health. Undead quickly pushes me aside and takes a big drink, because he's hurt bad, and explodes into flame. Looks like holy water from a long dead god still works on you, motherfucker.

The only real good other highpoint in the game was near the end. The necromancer turned out to be the miller, and so a big showdown happens in the flour mill, culminating with a me running upstairs to get out of the way of the necromancer, who has started to turn into a huge tentacled blob, a la G virus. Anyhow, I'm on the third floor, and I'm watching the carnage curiously over the edge as I light my blunt with a torch. I look down the the big tentacled monster smashing open flour sacks everywhere, and I get an idea. "Hey, so, there's dust everywhere downstairs, right?"

"Yeah." 

Yeah, that boss battle was cut short once people realize what happens when you drop a torch into a room full of choking flour powder. Sure, I may have accidently killed one or two party members who couldn't make it up the stairs, but I was high. Sue me. The other players really didn't find the fact that they couldn't roleplay the end of the game annoying, but I'm sure they did when I accepted all praise and said to the NPCs that I couldn't recall anyone else's name, but I might tomorrow, certainly. If they had been a help, I didn't really recall. If it's one thing that makes D&D people angry, it's other PCs not remembering their PCs in big tearful scenes.

There was one part where oscar got turned into a chick by a curse in the very same game. I think they were expecting some big scene, but all I did was take another drag, look down into the pants, exhale, and then say "well that's a whole new set of problems isn't it." and went back to my pork sandwich and flat beer. 

I guess I'll tell the tale of Oscar in Werewolf. Really, it's horrible and sad for everyone involved, which makes it a good story to me.

So, I join the game as a normal human in this game of werewolves. Time travelling must be a common cheesy thing for WoD people to do, because there was at least 3 time shifters, each of course cheesier than the last. The game was formed on the basis of a new werewolf tribe, or maybe it was a lost one or something, but I was basically the human world go-between. I ran food to these people for profit, and for a while I actually enjoyed myself for a whole running groceries while everyone else dealt with spiral faggots and big Wyrm penises or whatever. Then, the night came.

The leader of the tribe was a female werewolf named Shavina. She was always friendly with my character, but on night she made an announcement that she was looking for a mate. Remembering during some of our conversations comments to the extent of "you'd make good breeding stock" send hairs prickling all over my body.

Sure enough, a couple of nights later she IMs me asking if we could do some private roleplaying. I agree with reluctance, and Shavina and Oscar end up taking a stroll in the woods while the quarter moon is in the sky. She starts getting real personal with the talkin', and Oscar just pretty much ignores all of her advances until suddenly she pushes me against a tree.

"Take me." She says, with a small smile.

"Yeah, about that..." I said with as much hesitation I could manage. "See, the thing is that you're a werewolf... and that's kinda creepy" 

She was silent for a minute. "Creepy how?"

"Well. No offense, but I don't know how werewolves work. What if you freak out and tear my dick of, or if I contract werewolf AIDS or something?" I pried her hands off me firmly, yet gently. "I think it's better if we just stay friends."

Really, she may have been fine with that, but Oscar went and vomited after the whole exchange at the mere idea of sleeping with her.

From then on, the game got REALLY weird. Shavina was apparently outraged that I had scorned her advancements, going so far as to try to get me hunted down by the end of it all. Eventually, a couple of the other members of the tribe started to see that she was going crazy. Since I was basically the only PC that did any human stuff, the tribe started losing precious commodities. A lot of people never asks who pays the power bill until it goes out for example. Eventually, once I left shortly after the attempted assassination, the other members of the tribe began filtering out. Turns out that they had been uncomfortable about avoiding me, and being told to kill me in a ritualistic hunting style made people realize that perhaps their leader had lost touch with reality.