Editing Reasonable Marines (section)

==Axenario 2==

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"Incoming signal."

"Hail, Eldar. I am Force Commander Spock of the Reasonable Marine Chapter of the Imperial Adeptus Astartes."

"What is your business here, Mon'Keigh?"

"We have become aware that this system harbors a Necron Tomb World, a Chaos incursion, an Orkish WAAAGH! and a Dark Eldar army. We are here to cleanse it."

"Your hostility will not be tolerated!"

"We hold no quarrel with you, Farseer. If we keep out of each other's way there's no reason we can't both fight the true threats here. In fact, if we coordinated against the Necrons..."

"I will not be deceived by your clumsy trickery! This system was once ours and it shall be ours again! I HAVE FORESEEN IT!" <end signal>

"Your orders, Commander?"

"Prepare to land on the Necron Tomb world, and inform the Battle Brothers that the Eldar are now targets as well. If we can kill their high-and-mighty Farseer, we might be able to route them back into the Webway without much fighting."

"Yes, my Lord."

"Sir, Tau signals inbound." 

"This is wonderful, the Tau are famous for listening to reason, hail them!" 

"Greetings Gue'la, this is Shas'Or'es'ka, this system will be made into a sept of the Tau Empire to defend its borders against Gue'la madness. Have you come to join us?" 

"If by join us you mean fight side by side against a common enemy then yes. If you would be so kind we could fight the Orkish tide on Kaurava II as one." 

"Erm...no I mean become part of the Tau Empire." 

"Oh...well then...I'm afraid I can't do that."

"Then I must regretfully inform you that we must do battle Gue'la. Prepare the Ar'ka cannon for firing!"<end signal>

"Oh dear...Change of plans, land on Kaurava II and make plans to invade the Nan Yaonoi moonbase and deal with the Orks."

"Commander! Incoming signal from an Imperial Guard regiment!"

"What? Excellent! Now we can..."

"So, you Space Marines think you can just tromp in on your battle-barge and steal the glory of the Imperial Guard, do you?"

"...I..."

"Well we'll show you! I, Vance MOTHERFUCKING Stubbs, declare myself Governor-Militant of this system, and will claim it in the name of the Imperial Guard!" <end signal>

"What just..." 

"Brother-Captain, Heretical signals inbound, identified as Fieravious Carron." 

"I see your Mehtal Bawkses in orbit! YOU COWARDS! YOU FEWLES!  We....we shall take away your mehtal bawkses."<end signal>

"But..." 

"Sir incoming Dark Eldar signals." 

"Don't Hail the-" 

"-Your screams shall satiate our thirsts for pain and pleasure Mon'keigh!"<end signal>

"Ugh...." 

"Necron signals inbound." 

"Oh come o-" 

"You...shall die here....Space Marines....The Deceiver....Grants us strength..."<end signal>

"..."

"My Lord! The Inquisition has arrived in the system!"

"Oh what now..."

"Commander Spock! Don't think we didn't detect you sending a signal to those filthy xenos! ALL IS TAINTED! ALL WILL BE PURGED BY THE RIGHTOUS ANGER OF THE GREY KNIGHTS IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY EMPEROR! <DEAN SCREAM>!" <end signal> 

"Sir..."

"WHAT!?!?" 

"Ork signals, identifying self as Warboss Gorgutz 'Ead 'unta." 

"WAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! MY BOYZ IZ GONNA KRUMP YA 'UMIE GITZ!!! Ya 'eadz gonna look nice on me pointy stick."<end signal> 

"Sir, fellow Astartes signals coming from the Blood Ravens chapter, it's from Brother-Captain Indrick Boreale."

"Yes! Finally someone who will work with us!"

"Heretic! You parlay with xenos! But we are blod rehvens, we are SPEHSS MEHREENS!! Face the rath of multiple, simuhltaneouhs, devahstating, defensive, deep strikes in what the Codex Astartees calls Steehl Rain! We are teh Emprah's Fureh!"<end signal> 

"Oh for the love of..."

"Sir?"

By this time, Brother-Captain Spock was massaging his temples, trying to avoid screaming in frustration.

"What. Is. It?"

"Mi'lord, it's...it's the Squats."

"Oh, no-"

"ARRR! YOU LADS THOUGHT YOU COULD KEEP US DOWN, DID YE!? I, THE SQUAT KING NAMDAR, SHALL COME OVER THERE AND MAKE BOOTS OUT OF ALL YOUR ARSES, YOU GW SCRUBS!" <end signal>

"Emperor damn it all..."

"A Sister of Battle Canoness is attempting to hail us!"

"NO, EMPEROR FORBID, DO NOT LET THEM-"

"We, the Order of the Verdant Spire, will cleanse all with HOLY FIRE!!!" <end signal>

"Tyranid transmission inbound!"

"HOW THE HELL IS THAT EVEN-"

"KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE-" <end signal>

...

"My Lord?"

"Fuck this shit we are out of here."

 = Incoming transmission = 

"Captain Spock, this is Captain Steinner of the 1st company. Is your company having trouble with cleaning out this system?"

"Yes brother-captain, It would seem that every gun is pointed at us and no negotiation is acceptable."

"Then I have good news, I have destroyed all the webway gates in the sector and I have redirected our spare forces... a good 10,000 strong battle brothers, on board the 7 Battle Barges, and a whole legion of Imperator War titans."

"You mean the 1st company is coming here? Titan Legion? 7 Battle Barges? Where did you get all of those?"

"A peaceful agreement with the Cult Mechanicus goes a long way captain, particularly when inserting a good deal of fine print. As for the 10,000 Astartes, apparently our influx of recruiting went well last year that our own chapter is swelling with raw brothers itching to test their skills at what our chapter does best..."

"You mean you brought twice the armour for them..."

"Exactly Captain Spock, now, shall we commence another reasoning with them once more? And this time, tell them we have Exterminatus-capable ships."

"Thank you Brother and the Emperor."