Editing Mongols (section)

==The Mongolian Empire==
[[image:MongolEmpire.jpg|thumb|500px|right|The Mongolian Empire at its height, teaching both Napoleon and [[Nazi|Hitler]] [[Get shit done|on how to actually conquer]] Russia.]]
Now enter [[Genghis motherfucking Khan]]. We won't go into great detail about him here because he has his own page (which he deserves and which you ''will'' read, sheep) but the short version was that he decided that uniting the stepped was too easy, so he decided to look for a [[Greenskin|right proppa scrap]] by invading all of his neighbors. Just like a certain other [[Grimgor Ironhide|GOAT Warlord]], he invaded any Empire that seemed like a challenge, utterly destroyed their leadership, and moved on the next one when he got bored. We're not even joking, because Genghis Khan died in 1227, which was well before Rus and China were entirely conquered, but well after their empires were razed: It was the Khan's way to oversee campaigns until the leadership was destroyed, then leave the mop-up to his Generals/Family, [[Waaagh|which is badass when you realize that this meant the Mongolian Empire was fighting multiple wars on all sides, all the time]]. 

'''The Chinese Campaigns:''' The Khan's first campaigns were invasions of China, which was divided into multiple competing dynasties and had been already been paying tribute to multiple nomadic nations for decades. Those in the Northwest rolled over with little resistance and [[Bullshit|pinky-promised]] to be good vassals, while the Empire in China proper [[Imperial Guard|stood their ground]] resulting in a longer war that only ended when Genghis sacked Beijing; the Jin Dynasty saw they were absolutely fucked and retreated south, and the Khan left it to his descendants to finish the job while he moved onto Central Asia; Ogedei's unification would only be completed in 1234.

While the Chinese would eventually play their own trump card strategy of [[weeaboo|just assimilating all the Mongols who came to China]] the first khans managed to keep their edge by continous warfare: Mongol units were routinely rotated back to the steppe to keep them hungry (both figuratively and literally) and distinct cultural and legal institutions were promoted to make sure they didn't get too friendly with the sheeple they were being sent to butcher. 

This was actually super important, because the Western Xia (which the Khan graciously let live early in his career because he wanted to start invading actual China) backstabbed the Mongolians by not sending him military aid during his Central Asian Campaigns and even got the remnants of the Jin to join them; while he died a little bit after this re-subjugation campaign ended, he stuck around long enough to personally raze their capitals and execute every single member of the Imperial family. 

'''Central Asian Campaign:''' The horde shifted west and began subjugating all the remaining Turkic and Central Asian nomads. This continued until the Mongols hit the powerful Khwarezmian empire in modern day Iran. The Khwarezmian shah, having just finished declaring [[exterminatus]] on the nomads on his side of the fence, wasn't in the mood for diplomacy and sent the Mongol emissaries back in boxes. Unfortunately for the shah and his people this just gave the Mongols a massive erection, and made Genghis Motherfucking Khan [[RAGE]](hurting emissaries being a big no-no in nomad culture). The ruling khans immediately stopped bickering and exploded west in an <s>[[Angron]]-worthy</s> campaign of pillage and depopulation so bloody, Genghis Khan would ascend to daemonhood and become [[Doombreed]] (seriously).

Genghis was satisfied with the destruction of the offending Khwarezmian Empire, but his descendants would continue their expansion in the years after his death, a campaign that culminated in the destruction of the Arabian Empire. The destruction of their great cities was so traumatic that the Muslims were fairly certain they were living through the apocalypse. Even to this day, some Islamic historians ''are still'' [[butthurt]] by the destruction wrought by the Mongols, and they consider Genghis to be just as bad as Hitler in Europe; if you ever ask yourself why the [[Middle East]] is the way it is, the Islamic perspective was that the Caliphate became [[Dark eldar|decadent and immoral]], and Mongols were sent as divine punishment, necessitating religious conservatism to get back on the path. Considering they were foreign subjects from the time of Genghis to the modern era, Islamic [[Ecclesiarchy|fundamentalism became intrinsically tied with nationalism and xenophobia]]. Grimdark.

Back on topic, though: after the horde ravaged Persia, Genghis was tired and in need of a vacation. Subutai, the Khan's right-hand man and known for his [[Tactical genius|TACTICAL GENIUS]], convinced the Khan to embrace his inner white woman by Live, Laugh, Loving his way through Afghanistan and India, while he and another General fought their way through the Caucasian mountains, planning to meet up back in the steppes later.

'''Rus Campaign''': After the powerful and united Khwarezmian empire, crushing Rus, which by the time was split into dozen of feudal states waging petty wars on each other with little to no central government (much like the rest of the Europe of that times) posed about as much challenge as a [[nurgling]] would to [[Marneus Calgar]]. After a few curb stomp battles the Russian princes attempted to play their own ethnic special ability of running away and letting winter conditions kill everybody. The Mongols, having come from one of the few earthly places shittier than Russia, were quite pleased that they could now march over frozen rivers and promptly [[wat|sped up]]. The usual results ensued (several Russian nobles were lashed together and used as a picnic table) and the states of Rus were united for the first time in centuries under Mongol rule (except for Novgorod and Galich who bribed their way out of serious fighting); some historians attribute the entire Russian national identity as a result of them resisting, being subjugated, then eventually breaking free, from the Mongolians, which is a delicious irony when you consider that historical Mongolia is now split between an autonomous Russian state, a semiautonomous Chinese state, and the modern "independent" Mongolia. 

The conquest of Rus would eventually mark the highwater point of the Empire; Temujin died in 1227, just before they could stage an invasion of Bulgaria/Hungary, which would put him right on the doorstep of the <s>Romans</s> Byzantines; though, like the absolute chad that he is, their goal wasn't gold or pussy, but to gain access to the motherfucking pastures of the Pannonian Basin for their horses.

Temujin's offspring had always been a bunch of clusterfucking alcoholic maniacs but their egos and power had finally grown so large that even the laws and systems he had devised could no longer contain them, and they split themselves up. The final years of the united empire weren't without merits. The war machine kept grinding on even in the absence of competent leadership. The horde penetrated central Europe and began fucking up places like Poland and Hungary, but these were ''[[FATAL|probing missions]]'', warm-ups for the real main event. Still, the handful of battles between Europe's chivalric armies and the Mongols usually played out like a match between the New York Yankees and your local tee-ball team (if Derek Jeter killed and mutilated the entire group of children after the game). Nobody is quite sure how far the Mongol forces might have swept if the Xia didn't revolt, or if their Mongolian leadership hadn't imploded, but take a moment to be happy you aren't speaking Mongolian.