Editing Praetorian Guard (section)

==40K==

The Praetorian Guard are Victorian era African theatre [[British Empire|British]] soldiers in SPEHSS. They wear the classic redcoats with matching pith helmets, so they look rather classy and fucking manly as hell. They hail from the [[hive world]] of <strike>Praetoria</strike> PRETORIA, where the largest exports are disciplined regiments of dashingly handsome badasses and moustache wax. It’s no [[Catachan]] but Praetoria is a reasonably shit place to live, unless of course you are part of the nobility. If you weren’t fortunate enough to be born with a silver spoon tickling your tonsils, you are no doubt being shit on by the nobility in your tiny domicile, scratching a living among sewer gangs or you’re being pressed in to a redcoat so thick with starch it’s practically carapace. They are what the Mordian Iron Guard would be if Mordians drank tea and were channelling colonial era Brits instead of industrial era Germans.

Apparently at some point in time the Praetorian's history, the handsome devils decided to do some fucking manly shit for the [[Emperor|Empruh]], so they went to an uninhabited world filled to the brim with [[Orks]] with nothing but their bolt action flashlights and a handful of [[Tallarn]] guardsmen to back them up. While this bravado makes even the [[Mordian Iron Guard]] look like delicate flowers by comparison, needless to say the Praetorians have lost a few major engagements in their time, most notably was the battle known as ''The Massacre at Big Toof River''; underestimating the numbers of the enemy and being wiped out to a man. Inspired no doubt by the inglorious spanking the British Army suffered from the Zulu at the Battle of Isandlwana, though the order of battle reads almost as a literal copy/paste of the Wikipedia article for the Battle of the Little Bighorn (up to and including the cocking unit movements) just with some of the proper nouns swapped for 40k. However the Pratorians would then have their Rorkes Drift at ''The Battle of Glazer's River'', where a platoon led by Captain "Caine" (first name assumed Michael, since this is early and very on the nose GW fluff) dug in at a place called Glazer's farm. They had lost their [[Chimera]]'s, had a lot of wounded and where outnumbered a couple thousand to one by the Orks, so naturally they were able to hold out and route the Orks (with the help of some local civilians and a Ratling Sniper).

Good luck finding original models for them these days outside of [[Only War]] though. No doubt in today’s climate Geedubs is more than happy to forget these blatant symbols of European colonialism (and the whole “is it or is it not racist that we compared native Africans to Orks” bizniss) despite their rampant, unabashed sideburny awesomeness. The fact that 40k is so anti-imperial it hurts notwithstanding (including the Imperium itself having little direct authority over member worlds...except at gunpoint). Some people think a satire is what you put on a sawheel. Oh well, at least there’s a fairly playable Praetorian mod for DoW Soulstorm.