Editing Battle for Dominus Pillowus (section)

====Imperial Guard====

*'''Commissar Xenofucker:''' Heretical xenofucker lusting after some Tau [[/d/|Goods]]. After he’s caught red-handed by the Xeno-hunting Inquisitor, he defects to the Tau with half the Regiment. While in combat against Imperial forces led by the Waifu Commander, he cums on top of the bodypillow, leading to his ascension to Daemon Prince of Slaanesh, and conversion of the whole planet into a [[Daemon World]] (until it's purged of it's taint by the Imperium). What’s even funnier is that he’s not even a Slaaneshi worshipper, he just wanted a [[/d/|quick wank]] but didn't hear the annoucement made by the Chaos Lord that promised ascension to daemonhood for the first person able to [[What|climax on top of the Body Pillow]]. Later had a moment of clarity and saved everyone's asses.

*'''Craig the Guardsman:''' A poor sod whose rare [[lasgun]] got stolen and sold to a rogue trader. Also got his helmet traded for a box of fruit by another guardsman named Russel. Executed for incompetence by Commissar Xenofucker. 

*'''Saint Waifu Commander:''' Veteran Officer guardsman who served a month prior to the events that took place. Ascended to sainthood after successfully safeguarding the Holy Body Pillow of Celestine despite all odds and nearly getting BLAMMED by the Commissar Xenofucker. No one really remembers his name as Imperial forces just called him "the Waifu Commander" during the conflict. Has a crush on Celestine (not to be confused with Celestein). When Celestine leaves him for another’s battlefield, he becomes deeply depressed, turning into a shut-in. 

[[File:Guardsman and Psykerbro.jpeg|400px|thumb|Right|The ultimate bromance]]

*'''Sanctioned Psyker:''' Almost raped by a Daemonette. Currently <strike>failling horribly</strike> trying to refuse her advances whenever he dreams. Best friends with the Guardsman who was <strike>almost</strike> raped by an Eldar. Lost an eye channeling Warp energies in a (failed) attempt to ward off aforementioned Rapeseer. 

**After a bout of depression (because he failed to protect his buddy) he (very) begrudgingly agreed to not murder the rapeseer and let his bro get married, but only after a huge argument, a fist fight, and a shared crate of Lho sticks and alcohol (wherein manly tears and hugs were had in a [[Jojo's Bizarre Adventure|totally non-homo way]]). The guy got his hand replaced with an augmetic but left his eyesocket empty after learning how to [[awesome|shoot warp bolts out of it for the intimidation factor]]. His blood is 50% [[recaf]] as he tries to spend as little time possible sleeping to avoid his new stalker in the Warp, often coming out of the exhaustion-induced comas he falls into (when the recaff can no longer sustain him) with a stream of profanities worthy of an [[Angry Marines|Angry Marine]] and the occasional warp bolt. He still serves in the Guard and has picked up the moniker "Sparky" for his preferred combat method. He got this nickname from some of the other friends he managed to make after guardsbro helped to dial back his [[derp|autism]].

*'''Unnamed Guardsman:''' Almost raped by the Rapeseer, until she did rape him. Now they're married. Is friends with the sanctioned psyker, who tried to protect him from the Eldar (but failed). Became best bros with the Psyker when he saved his ass multiple times. 

*'''Marcus:''' Good friend of WaifuCommander, is in the same training group as WaifuCommander and followed him before his ascension. Has a knack of attaching things to make "weapons" (e.g. affixing bayonets to bodypillows). Unfortunately died, but is now canonically next to the Emprah (as all humans should be), so all is good.

*'''Assortment of [[Krieg|Kriegers]]:''' Capable of affixing bayonets at speeds high enough to break the sound barrier. Have an obsession with atoning and view '''''not''''' dying in battle as the worst possible outcome.

*'''Random Harmonica Guardsman:''' Former roommate of Saint Waifu Commnder. Blessed with a beautiful voice. Made an entire [[Craftworld|CRAFTWORLD]] cry. Yes, a craftworld as in the [[What|ship itself]]. Yes, the entire Craftworld also happened to be a Daemon Engine. 

*'''Lord Solar Macharius:''' Imperial Warp entity in the shape of an Eagle, used to be Lord Solar Macharius. Gets his kicks by screeching "keikaku doori!" (TL note: [[meme|keikaku means plan]]) at passing Imperial Navy ships and pretending to be a Greater Daemon of [[Tzeentch]]. Responsible for WaifuCommander's ascension to sainthood. Is now crusading with other Imperial Warp entities.