Editing Commissar (section)

==What not to do around a Commissar==

[[Image:Commissar_NO.jpg|thumb|200px|right|If you have to ask...]]
Unless you have a death wish (since you're drafted into the Guard, we already KNOW you have a death wish) these are the things you should avoid doing around your Commissar unless you want to be shot for a number of reasons:

*Do not retreat until he says so.
*Do not look like you will retreat before he says so.
*Do not think about retreating before he says so.
*Do not think about thinking of retreating before he says so.
*Do not retreat even WHEN he says so.
*Do not refuse to retreat when he says so because you will later be shot for insubordination.
*Do not be incompetent in battle, he'll execute you for being useless.
*Do not move too far away from a Commissar attached to your squad, he might think you are retreating without his command.
*Do not fap to the women that are [[Shlicktau|xenos]], [[Cultist-chan|heretics]], or [[Furry|mutants]] while in the field of battle... or outside.
*Do not fap to [[-4_Str|human women]] either, he'll execute you for dereliction of duty. Also, Slaanesh worship.
*Do not fap '''AT ALL''' Because it is heresy. No! Fap to the Corpse-Empero- wait, I kinda gave that away, didn't- {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*''' HERESY!!}}
*Do not mock anyone in the upper command structure, social status and organizations. It's the same as treason and treason, kids, is [[HERESY]].
*Do not look at your Commissar with a [[grimdark]] look, he'll assume you want to kill him. Unless you're a Catachan. He doesn't need to see the look to know you want to kill him.
*Do not pretend to listen to your Commissar.
*Do not pretend to pretend to listen to your Commissar.
*Do not interrupt him while speaking, he'll execute you for the insubordination.
*Do not change your underwear. Tzeentch worship.
*Do not neglect to change your underwear. Nurgle worship.
*Do not bring up the paradox of changing underwear. Malal worship. (There is no paradox as long as you follow the correct procedure. First remove and burn the tainted garment while reciting the litany of blessed hygiene. Instead of "Changing" your underwear, proceed to replace the purged garments with identical standard pattern guard issued underwater.)
*Do not worship the [[Chaos|ruinous powers]], even if your Commissar is-{{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*''' Commissars are loyal servants of the Emperor!}}
*Do not look like you are worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think about worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think about thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think '''AT ALL''' or he'll think you are thinking about worshiping the ruinous powers.
*Do not find out about the Ruinous Powers. Best you can hope for is being sterilised and mind-wiped.
*Do not fall ill. Nurgle worship.
*Do not fall seriously ill. Serious Nurgle worship.
*Do not think about getting ill. More Nurgle worship.
*Do not think abou- To Hell with this, you are already thinking about getting ill! {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}}
*Do not watch "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic", that is both Tzeentch and Slaanesh worship. (and if the excessive cuteness makes you sick than it's also Nurgle Worship, and if the associations with Chaos or furries makes you overly angry <s>that's Khorne worship.</s> {{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Righteous fury at the foes of the Emperor does not feed the Ruinous Powers!}})
*Do not openly question his orders.
*Do not question his orders behind his back either.
*Do not suggest your orders are suicidal.
*Do not suggest that said "''suicidal''" Commissar should join the enemy, if he is able to kill his squad so quickly.
*Do not suggest anything, lest he take it for Heresy.
*Do not mention that the Ministorum Priests are better motivators. {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*''' Insubordination!}}
*Do NOT interrupt him while attempting to execute someone <s>unless you have a pretty good reason</s> as he'll execute you along with the one about to be executed.
*DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge him or her in a western shootout. Why? Because they'll {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}} kill you all in LESS than a splitsecond, now get back to the front, or you'll join him.
*DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES give your Commissar a new bolt pistol for his birthday. Just think of how fast he can {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}} your squad if he goes Akimbo...
*Do not ask a Commissar for a bullet in the head. He ''will'' have you flogged for cowardice.
*Do not ask a Commissar for a flogging. He '''''WILL''''' have you shot in the spine for being a Slaaneshi Cultist. Not that that's a bad thing, being a Sla-{{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*''' HERESY!}}
*Do not, in any way, shape, or form, give a zealous Commissar an Assault Cannon. You will have no unit.
*Do not, under any circumstances, give a zealous Commissar a Deathstrike Missile Launcher. You ''will'' have no army.
*Do not give a zealous Commissar a spacecraft. You will have [[Exterminatus|lost a planet]].
*Do not give a Commissar a cookie. You chaos worshipping freak.
**A: He'll think you are trying to poison him.
**B: He'll think you're trying to bribe him.
**And yes, death is the sentence.
*Do not be bald, then you are a Genestealer.
*Do not be balding, then you are becoming a Genestealer.
*Do not think about balding, then you are thinking about becoming a Genestealer.
*Do not think about thinking about balding, you don't wanna become a Genestealer.
*Do not add to this list, or else he will have you shot for insubordination. He- Yes, Sir!... No, sir... Sir? {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*''' HERESY!}}
*Do not use an axe as a last-ditch weapon. Khornate behaviour. Only acceptable if having said "For the Emperor!" and dying soon afterwards for the Imperium.
*Do not eat your rations in a particularly vigorous manner. Khorne worship.
*Any alteration of the standard uniform shall not be tolerated. Tzeentch worship.
*Growing facial hair in the pres- {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}}. More Tzeentch worship.
*Do not cut yourself while shaving your facial hair. More Khorne worship.
*Surviving a life threatening injury at the hands of the enemy. Serious Tzeentch worship.
*Do not bring prostitutes to the base while your unit is on leave. Slaanesh worship (and just plain improper behavior).
*Waking up lat- {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}}. {{BLAM|Cowardice.}}
*Do not deface or lose your Imperial Infantrymen's Uplifting Primer. (even though any veteran guardsman will tell you most of pages are complete bullsh- {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*''' HERESY!}})
*Calling your self a member of the "Astra Militarum" {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*''' HERESY! We are and always have been the Imperial Guard: Hammer of the Emperor!}}
*Do not lose your issued Lasgun. Unless it's loss is unavoidable in{{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}} {{BLAM|A proper Guardsman would never lose his Lasgun.}}
*Do not remind him that technically Commissars are outside the chain of command and cannot order you. So next time a fraking com- {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''. Cursing Commissars is HERESY!!!}}
*Do not steal from a Commissar. Commissars are possessive, very possessive.
**Whatever else you do, Never Ever EVER steal a Commissar's hat.
*Do not make Hitler jokes, Stalin jokes, or any political jokes around a commissar. They might assume the joke is a hateful metaphor for the God-Emperor.
*Speaking of which, do not make fun of the God-Emperor.
*Never salute the anthem or flag of a state other than that of the God-Emperor. To do so is treason and thus heresy.
*Do not email him your [[Promotions|porn]]. Slaanesh worship (also WTF man).
*Do not let him catch you playing [[Ironclaw]]. Granted Ironclaw has a lot of hot vixien chicks, but still- {{BLAM}}
*Do NOT let him catch you playing [[Magic the Gathering|Magic: the gathering]], Magic is heresy.
* Don't let him catch you playing [[Dungeons & Dragons|Dungeons and dragons]], (Unless you offer for him to be the [[DM]])