Editing King of Diamonds: 'Caesar'

Don't you "Sir," me, boy! I seen things out there'd give you a seizure! You ever seen a Gun before? Aw Hell, not a piece 'a shit pig iron like that. You get that out of a gum ball machine? I'm talking about a Card, y'idjit! The genuine article. I seen one. Don't you laugh or I'll tan yer hide, tin popgun or no! Now shaddup and let me tell ya the story.

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It was about four year ago now, down in Arizona. I'm down there with a bunch a' other poor sods prospectin' fer gems. There was a big ol' diamond rush 'bout that time, an' we figured on helping ourselves to a big score. Well, turns out we weren't the only ones. We get there and there's already this big old mine set up. Foreman's a decent feller though, sets us all up nice-like, and in return we jes give 'im twenty percent off the top of whatever we dig up. Suits us jes fine. But about a week in, foreman comes into the bunkhouse an says there's a buncha bandits comin to take the mine. Now we all're powerful scared, but he says if'n we stick with 'im we can hold it. 'Bout half of us blew town, an I woulda been one of 'em if I hadn't seen the king o' diamonds on that revolver a' his. I talked my boys into stayin, scared though they was, and at dawn th' next mornin' we went out to face 'em.

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Now jes you picture this here; twenty miners, dirty 'n sweaty, half of 'em with slugtossers couldn't snap a twig, and the foreman with that Card o' his, and in front of us a cloud o' dust woulda taken fifty horses ta kick up. We see that cloud gettin' bigger an' bigger, 'til we can see th' horses, then the men, then their guns. We're all set to wet ourselves an' run, but the foreman just pulls that revolver. Looked like it was made outa bronze or somethin', with a polished cherry handle redder'n blood. He jes points it up in th' air an' tells us to do th' same with all our guns. So we do it, an by now I can see th' spit comin' offa th' bandits' horses. And this is th' part I will never forget. He levelled that beautiful revolver, an' all our guns moved with it. Then he squeezes off six shots, an' all our guns fire with him.

Now there's bandits fallin' off their horses left 'n right, when I hear the Card click empty. Well shit, I think, guess I ought ta make my peace. But he jes keeps squeezin' that trigger, and I swear to you our guns jes kept on spittin' bullets at them bandits. He keeps on clickin' that empty gun, an' we jes keep on firin', till there ain't no bandits left alive. I checked my gun later. All six chambers was still full. He closed up shop not long after. Weren't no diamonds down there to be had. But I heard about the same thing happenin' in a town near Tulsa. Guy with a bronze Gun he called Caesar laid out a whole jailbreak's worth of outlaws. Didn't leave a single empty casing behind.

Now whe you've lived through somethin' HALF as weird as that, you can "Sir" me. Meantime, buy me a whiskey, I'm thirsty.

-Mordegald

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