Secundus

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This article is probably off-topic, but tolerated because it's relevant and/or popular on /tg/... or we just can't be bothered to delete it.

"Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!"

– Secundus, probably

Secundus is immortal. From time immemorial, he has lurked about the entrances to dwellings, defecating and molesting children. He buggered squalling Neanderthal toddlers, shat in front of caves, laid logs upon the vestibules of Roman gentry, sodomized pre-teens outside of the Forbidden City, discretely shat on the steps of Prussian mansions, haunted the forests of the New World with tales of a paleface hungry for the assflesh of young boys, and lain steaming coils on the White House lawn. No one knows from whence he came; he has taken many names over the years, and in general been one creepy fuckin' dude. Dark whispers among the Wise claim he is an elemental force; the physical embodiment of the dark human desire to both poop on other people's houses and to put your dick where it definitively does not belong. Regardless, he skulks about, an immortal denizen of countless buttsex-filled nights, crapping in the doorways of every great empire since Man wrested himself from the muck and ashes of creation and first stood upright.

Origins

In the choked city of Pompeii, graffiti of all kinds has been preserved on her walls. Yet of all the villains bemoaned, one amongst them stands in unique infamy. His name is Secundus; serial defecator and child molester. Believed by /tg/ to be the ancestor of That guy, Secundus has earned posthumous infamy as the Scourge of Pompeii, via the ignoble medium of petty wall scrawlings. Embraced by many of as the god of crazy, disrespect and general dickishness, Secundus has emerged to expose the grim, Chaotic Neutral underbelly of the ancients.

Tales of Infamy

• Secundus says hello to his friends. (Written outside the House of Verus)
• Remember that one bathroom where shit was smeared everywhere? Secundus.
• Remember hearing about the 13 year old who raped an old lady? Secundus.
• Remember all those dicks you saw on chatroulette and omegle? Secundus.
• Secundus likes to screw boys. (Written outside the Eumachia Building -We don't just make shit up here at /tg/)
• It is believed that Vesuvius erupted after Gaius Valerius Venestus dared Secundus to defecate into the crater.
• Secundus can bugger a fire without burning his dick.
• When Dread Cthulhu emerges from the depths of Ry'leh, Secundus will have already left a turd on his doorstep.
• Every time someone shits on a doorstep, Secundus looks down from the heavens, and cries a smiling tear.
• "Secundus defecated here" is written three times on the same wall. (The man kept a freaking tally!)
• If Secundus were to visit The Drops, even the Orks would find it revolting.
• In many places around Pompeii, much graffiti describes someone who has defecated there. Some of them say it was Secundus. The rest are Secundus being modest.
• Every time you masturbate, you're actually doing an offering to Secundus.
• Every time you pee outdoors, hoping that nobody sees you, Secundus is there.
• Every time you have your head over the toilet bowl, puking after what you one thought of as a great party, you're actually praying to Secundus.
• Never ask Secundus to put a log on the fire.
• Secundus says hello to his Prima, wherever she is. I ask, my mistress, that you love me. (written outside the House and Office of Volusius Iuvencus - apparently he had a softer side)
• Secundus is literally a number 2.
• Butthurt? Probably a repressed memory of Secundus.
• Secundus makes Slaanesh look like a prude.
• Secundus makes Nurgle look hygienic.
• When Catachans smear their shit on their knives, they offer a silent prayer to Secundus.

External links

• http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/20487840/#p20490167 - the archived thread where Secundus' infamy began.