Why Djinns Suck

I love my DM.

My DM always, always, ALWAYS has a recurring Djinn in his campaigns, and for all of us older players, we knew when it was him. Very fun when messing with the new players.

DM: "The monster seems to have dropped a bronze piccolo, laden with several immaculate gems. The end of it seems to be giving off incense, and there is a symbol of Olidammara on it."

Me: ohherewegoagain.gif

OldCleric: GODFUCKINGDAMNIT

NewDruid: Oh hey, this looks cool! I pick it up.

Both me and Cleric: YOU FUCKING RETARD!

DM: "The Piccolo begins to play a whimsical tune, as the incense pours out of it, its fumes swirling like a maelstorm before you hear a mighty voice: "GUUUESS WHOOOOOOOO'S BAAAAAAAACK, MORTALS OF [insert campaign setting]!" You suddenly see a terrifying Djinn, in the guise of an arabian man wearing a turban with two gazelle antlers coming out of it. He is riding a giant tortoise wearing gold armor.

Me: ;C

OldCleric: *Currently glaring daggers at DM*

NewDruid: Oh... Ummm... I roll for Sense Motive? *Druid rolls an 1d20, lands an 11.*

DM: The Djinn seems to be highly enthusiastic, much like a bartering salesman. "I AM THE GREAT MAKA-THAKA-HII, AND I AM HERE TO GRANT YOU A SINGLE ITEM OF YOUR CHOICE! BUT BEHOLD, IT WILL BEAR THE MARK OF MAKA-THAKA-HII! DO YOU STILL ACCEPT?"

Me: Don't do it. Please don't do it.

Cleric: Seriously, don't. I beg of you.

Druid: ... I decline.

MAKA-THAKA-HII: ARE YOU QUITE SURE, MY FORTUNATE FRIEND? I CAN GIVE YOU ANY ITEM IN THE WORLD! I CAN GIVE YOU A STAFF TO BEND THE WORLD's TREES TO YOUR WILL! I CAN GIVE YOU A RING TO WOO ANY WOMAN, I CAN GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WISH!

And then the druid does something none of us expected.

Druid: I want your turtle.

Me: ...

Cleric: o_o

Dm: :|... Ummm... Right... Uhhh...

MAKA-THAKA-HII: My... Turtle? Are you sure, Mortal? I can give you anything you want, and all you request is for my tortoise?

Druid: I do not trust beings not of this realm, so I will politefully accept your request and accept the gift of what you have offered: Which was anything I wanted. And I want your tortoise.

MAKA-THAKA-HII: ... Very well, Mortal. You shall have my noble steed, and may he carry you into many victorious battles. But be warned! He is immortal, and upon your death, he shall ascend the Stairs of Light and come back to me. Do you accept?

Druid: I do. What is your steeds name?

MAKA-THAKA-HII: His name is La-Porcel. Take him now, for I must be leaving this plane!

Druid accepts the turtle. Entire party is wary, but the Tortoise is actually quite normal, except it can run as fast as a horse. The DM gave it a Siege Breaker attribute to make it unique, as well as Immortality.

I shall tell you what happened in 'The Battle of Shura City'

The Battle of Shura City: A Desert Princes kingdom has come under siege by a slew of demons, who have effectively turned the entire city into a Hellhole consisted of grotesque rape, torture, pillaging, and dismemberment.

The Shuraian Citadel was the fortress of the city, and the King was executed, only to be replaced by his possessed son, who is now so far gone the only thing left to do is slaughter him.

Our characters were around level ten, so it was a rather difficult campaign to find out all the information about the city, as well as explain why the druid is riding a Holy Tortoise.

Then the GM does the most dastardly thing ever.

The Tortoise's eyes begin to glow with a golden light, and a holy, zealous aura begins to affect the entire party. The druid, holding on for his life, is being charged towards the front gate of the Citadel, with the entire party in tow while chasing this fucking tortoise.

The tortoise does not show any signs of stopping, and its ignoring all attempts for the druid to talk to it. A Sense Motive check shows that the Tortoise 'Knows what Needs To Be Done'. The druid clamps down onto the turtle, as it retracts its head and full on charges the Citadels gates, it somehow deflecting all the arrows and magic spells being chucked at it. Druid wasn't so luck. Six arrows in the shoulder, and a Scorch on his back.

The gate shatters into a million pieces, shrapnelling every soldier behind it. This tortoise is flying through the entire castle, before appearing in the throne room, only being stopped by three Lesser Demon fights.

... The Prince was possessed by a Demonic Rabbit.

The Demonic-Jack Rabbit-Persian Prince who shall hereby be known by the name "Karjai of the Rapid Sword".

Our party prepares for battle, with the Holy Tortoise boosting our parties stats, as well as giving us 'Purity of the Divine Shell', which prevents any chance of the demon using influential abilities in combat.

The Battle starts. The druid begins casting Wild Shape, taking the form of a Raven, which he then flies to the top of the room in order to prepare for more spell-casting.

I was a Rogue, and I couldn't do much except prepare some poisons and what-not until the Warrior and Cleric could draw its attention away.

Warrior bum-rushed, and got his ass-handed to him with a mighty back-hand into a pillar. 1d20 damage, took him almost completely out of the fight.

Cleric uses Holy Word, which blinds and deafens Karjai, and which I finally use a combat initiative to sneak up on him to attempt to just repeatedly stab him in the back for as many crits as I could. Got tail-clubbed.

Karjai is completely ignoring the party, only focusing on this turtle.

KARJAI: "YOU! Why have you returned, you foul monstrosity! You have lost that challenge from so long ago, so why have you come back! Begone, foul beast of the Djinn, for this realm is under MY control!"

Holy Tortoise stands there resolutely (pic related) just staring at Karjai with dissaproving, beady black eyes. A leaf of lettuce is sticking out of its mouth, which it casually chews.

Entire Party is still battering on this demon, which it only pays mild attention to us, focusing on only badgering this poor Turtle.

Karjai brings his scimitar down onto the Turtle, which simply rolls off its shell and cleaves into the ground.

Holy Tortoises eyes light up, as the entire Turtle begins to glow with a holy, white, pulsating light.

Karjai seems to panic, and slams the scimitar more and more into the turtle. A chip forms in its armor.

Party Status: Warrior recovering, druid clawing at Karjais face, cleric healing warrior, me actually on its back, stabbing at its neck, dealing a bit more damage than normal. Still not enough, as it brushes me off with a sweep of its hand.

Holy Tortoise casts Time Stop.

Holy Tortoise suddenly appears over Karjai, dispels Time Stop, and slams onto his head. Karjai retaliates with a rudimentary swipe at the turtles head. Turtle is as turtle does, retracts head, and is sent ricocheting all over the room, until it slams once more into Karjais stomach.

Karjai is sent reeling backwards, slamming into the wall as the ceiling starts dropping rocks down onto all of us. We roll for a dodge save. ... Druid fails. With a 1d20 roll of 2.

Druid is impaled by a falling rock.

Holy Tortoise emanates power before the entire room explodes, sending the room into a different plane of nothing but rainbow colored lights.

Karjai, Party, dying Druid goes "WTF?"

Turtle seems to walk away, before MAKA-THAKA-HII appears, holding a massive golden spear. M.T.H. mounts the turtle, and lances Karjai with the spear, directly in the middle of the chest.

Maka-Thaka-Hii: AND THUS THE TURTLE WON THE GAME. AS USUAL. CAN YOU PLEASE STOP MESSING WITH MORTAL LIVES KARJAI? THIS IS THE SIXTH TIME THIS MILLENIA WE HAVE SLAIN YOU.

Karjai dies in a massive firey explosion, sending everyone flying out of the city, somehow surviving the brutal landing. Impaled druid spears next to us.

Maka-Thaka-Hii: AS I HAVE SAID, MY STEED SHALL RETURN UPON YOUR DEATH. MAY YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL AFTERLIFE, DRUID, FOR YOU HAVE SAVED THE CITY WITH YOUR FOOLISH WISH.

Druid stays dead. Turned out the DM and him got into a fight a few weeks ago and the DM never got rid of the grudge.

Not really a cursed item so much as a dick DM story.

Source

• Archived thread on foolz (also includes other tales of cursed items)