Chaos Casino

This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up.

"Step this way gentlemen, step right in to the greatest gambling establishment in the multiverse. I do apologise that we are so difficult to get to but the depths of the chaos wastes provide us with all the security we could need and after all, if you made the effort to survive all the fellow patrons then clearly you are worthy of stepping through our doors."

"Let me take sword, gun and coat sir. No no! No need to be so defensive. While on the casino property you are perfectly safe from attack. Our contracted demon prince security consultants see that no harm comes to our patrons. You are of course bound by the same obligations not to assault any other clients though while on the grounds. Yes, our lovely cloak room daemonette Lisette De’Tease will look after your items. There is your ticket for collecting when you leave."

"Let me show you to the main hall and give you a quick tour of our facilities. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. Hmm? Why yes it is true sir, anything in the universe can be won right here. We pride ourselves on providing anything and everything you could wish for. Immortality? Win it in our gladiator pits. Wealth to buy everything? Gamble on our divine blackjack tables with the brightest sparks amongst the immortals. Wanting to find that one true soul mate just for you? Take part in cosmic bingo or hunt down damned souls in our forest of woe and win casino credit to score big."

"I trust though you have sufficient funds to be able to play here at the Casino? No no sir. Mortal coin won’t do at all. What else do you have?"

"Hmmm, it appears just your own soul then. Pity, that won’t be much currency here but don’t be disheartened. Try to build up some starting credit in our spiritual slot machines. It is the least risky of our games for our new clients. You seem panicked sir. Truly you knew this wasn’t somewhere you could come without any risk to yourself? That is unfortunate but the truth. Truly we are an all or nothing stakes venue, the best and most thrilling of all…"

Venue and Games

The Chaos Casino covers every form of entertainment imaginable, inspired and created as it is from all the forms of entertainment and showbiz across existence. From slot machines that use parts of the spirit as coin to living games of chess using petrified losers of the Casino’s games to gladiatorial pit-fights it caters for all amusements possible.

Hidden within the depths of the Chaos Wastes, the Casino can only be reached by one insane enough to battle legions of daemons that roam the Wastes constantly. The reason for its presence in the Wastes is because the Casino is not part of and bound to the will of one of the major Gods; it is a seperate entity itself, one made from the collective mental image of a place of entertainment and gambling formed from the minds of the mortal races.

The size of the casino has never been truly figured out; the few that have tried to make a rough guess through exploring have been driven insane by the sheer variety and randomness on display. Because of its limitless size and its constantly expanding nature, it is said you could never grow bored of the Casino even if you had an eternity to spend there.

In addition to classic methods of gambling, here a few of the most popular entertainments on offer:

• Big Brother: A game where a group of ‘volunteer’ contestants are put into a house-like structure and forced to live and work together to survive. The reason for its popularity is the interactions of the house mates, even chosen as a theme (Slaaneshi harem, Collection of Pskyers) or chosen at random, the latter which can cause some hilarious and unforeseen results. A Space Marine, a Genestealer, a Klingon, a Dalek, a Sith, a Borg, and something called a Miley Cyrus were put into the house one night and the resulting chaos bought in the highest viewing figures in the game’s history.

• Role-play simulation: Hosted in a different dimension modelled on a classic fantasy world, it allows clients to assume a completely new life and identity, complete skills selected prior to their soul being downloaded into the new body. Oddly enough this is the one game the four gods of chaos can agree to play together without arguing and every once in a while they take a break from conquering and evildoing to spend an afternoon questing together. Their party consists of Khorne (Barbarian warlord); Slaanesh (Elf Princess); Tzeentch (griffin-man Archmage); and Nurgle (Gnome Necromancer). Hearing their excited gamer talk as they enjoy themselves has a strange perplexing charm to it.

• Slaanesh orgasmatron: Not so much a game as an entertainment, the Slaanesh officially sponsored orgasmatron promises to “…Stimulate you to the maximum limits of pleasure”. Of course, this being a Slaanesh-made device, it is not as you would think pleasure as and anyone foolish enough not to think beforehand has very much regretted the choice after their gasping becomes screaming.

• Guard Hunting: Think of fox hunting except replace the fox with an Imperial Guardsman and the hounds with Flesh Hounds.

• Hell factor: Mortals compete to win the prize of daemonhood from a panel of expert immortals. Failures are turned into chaos spawn while the winner does become a daemon, one of many to their patron god...

Pact of non-aggression

In order to maintain the fun times and thrills of the Casino, the owners hold a pact of non-aggression with the four major Gods of Chaos. In reality this would not be nearly enough to deter some of the Gods from still trying to undermine and control the Casino but the owners are crafty and have taken an additional step to secure their independence; Khorne has been hired to act as the muscle deterrent to the Casino. In return he charges a protection racket fee of souls and blood. His legions then patrol the boundaries of the casino, constantly warring with anyone trying to attack the Casino. Of course being Khorne he would have happily done this for the fighting alone but the blood and souls given to him are a juicy extra.

Paradox Poker Tournament

Once in an age, the Chaos Casino hosts the Paradox poker Tournament, one of the biggest events in its calendar. Hosting the best players of fate and destiny across existence, the tournament attracts crowds that swarm the venue, packing the halls and corridors with beings just trying to get a glimpse of the star players.

The prize is a single wish with no negative consequences granted by the Gods of Chaos; as one can imagine this is a prize worth any risk and many sensible beings take the chance to make their dream a reality. To succeed however you must defeat the grand masters of the tournament, the four top players Tzeentch, The Emperor, Cegorach, and the Deceiver.

In all the history of the tournament only two people successfully beat the four one after the other; the first being a single girl with a tiny black dog. When asked about the identity of this winner the tournament officials, the grand masters and the Gods of Chaos go strangely silent and no hint or clue to her identity is given. No one knows the reason for this but few rarely ask such questions, not if they want to keep themselves in one piece anyway…

The other was Sly Marbo, who came to see what all the fuss was about, then proceeded to flip the table and declare himself the winner after getting bored 10 seconds in. This was ruled acceptable, presumably on the basis that no one had the balls to claim otherwise.

Casino trivia

• The Casino never shuts, like, never. Totally 24/7!

• The four Gods of Chaos are lifelong premier members to the Casino.

• Eldrad was banned for dicking at the tables one too many times.

• Few mortals ever leave the Casino; if they keep playing, eventually they will lose at some game and their soul will be forfeit to the Owners; such is the fate of those that would damn themselves playing the games of gods after all. It is best to take the winnings and run. Occasionally a lucky person might ascend as a Daemon.

• Cegorach is banned but he always manages to sneak back in thanks to a new disguise.

• Creed has played many games and lost some, but when the Soul Grinder comes to claim him its rear armor is penetrated by a Leman Russ Vanquisher which just happened to be at the other table.

• Nurgle is banned from brewing plagues in his private suite, especially after the last outbreak.

• Khorne has to be constantly drunk to prevent himself breaking the no violence rule of the Casino; it is the only way to keep him too disoriented from managing to lash out at anyone.

• The Masque holds a weekly dance class for anyone interested; you succeed the class if you manage to escape alive.

• Malal is banned for always cheating when it comes to playing.

• Cheaters caught forfeit their souls to the Casino and have to spend an eternity working off their debt as an employee at the Casino. Considering the games and clients this is as nasty as it sounds.