Doomrider

This article or section is about something oldschool - and awesome. Make sure your rose-tinted glasses are on nice and tight, and prepare for a lovely walk down nostalgia lane.

This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up.

"As I ride to war, the scent of death washes over me like the wind itself. All my senses come to life, and each kill becomes more exhilarating than the last!"

– Doomrider himself, in the Black Crusade book The Tome Of Blood. Yes, in a book dedicated to the servants of Khorne. Because that's how Doomrider rolls.

We were somewhere near Cadia on the edge of the Eye of Terror, when the drugs began to take hold...

Doomrider is the Chaos version of Charlie Sheen crossbred with Snowflame/Dr. Rockzo AND FUCKING GHOST RIDER!!! His head burns with his sheer amount of awesome, and the flame is fueled higher by all the drugs in his system. He does cocaine and every other drug known to the galaxies. Plus other stuff that makes every drug known to man and xenos (combined) look like powdered milk. But COCAAAAAINE is his favourite. Cocaine is best (even though it probably makes him impotent, which is hilariously ironic for a Slaanesh worshiper).

He is a pretty fun guy to be around just like Kharn. I'm afraid that's all we know. He bangs 700 gram rocks that make Mick Jagger and Keith Richards look like droopy eyed armless children. You could say he's a bit of a...speed demon.

He and Warboss Wazdakka Gutsmek fought once, the planet they were on promptly exploded because no planet can contain that much motorcycle related awesome.

Crunch

Doomrider is an old Warhammer 40,000 Slaaneshi special character hailing from 3rd Edition. Doomrider had to be summoned, and would disappear at the end of his turn if you rolled a 1 on a d6. This could lead to him disappearing on the same turn he was summoned, completely wasting the points spent on him which sucked ass. As for his performance, think of a titan moving like a Raptor that requires the constant blessing of Lady Luck and Admiral Awesome. Despite being a Daemon Prince he retained his Biker Marine statline (we've provided a picture below) but at least he had a twin-linked melta and an armor-ignoring power weapon.

The Ballad of Doomrider

"Out of the mists of chaos he rides, bike in his crotch and sword at his side!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom Rider.
Na na, na na.
He fights his own war, takes his own track, If he doesn't bail he might make his points back!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom Rider.
Na na, na na.
Son of Slaanesh, full of desire, He does cocaine and his head's on fire!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom rider.
Na na, na na.
Fights with fury of a dozen men, Spends two turns on the field then he's gone again...
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom Rider.
Na na, na na.
His bike squeals as it ploughs on through the nearest guard, His skull is flaming as his daemon sword gets hard!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom Rider.
Na na, na na.
He's a killer and he's bursting out for fun! Screaming off, now he's gone, someone rolled a one!"

Summoning Ritual

Oh great Lord Slaanesh, send forth your servant, the Daemon Prince Doomrider!

Let our enemies tremble in ruptured awe before his fearsome visage!

Grant them an exquisite death, crushed beneath the flaming wheels of his chromium steed!

Permit them the ecstasy of being slaughtered by Doomrider's throbbing Daemonsword and his pulsating gun of gushing plasma!

Bestow on them one fleeting moment of pleasure as they stare in wonder and orgasmic delight at one of your most divine creations before dying at his hand!

Oh great Lord Slaanesh, for these reasons and many others that tease and titillate our imaginations, we beseech you, send forth your servant, the Daemon Prince Doomrider!

The song of Doomrider

[music]
Faster than a Las-bolt
Terrifying scream
He's fueled by coke and Metal
He is Daemon and machine
He's the Daemon biker
Breathing coke and fire
Summoned by the cultists he is nigh / high (just choose one, both seem to be true)

He. Is. The Doom-ri-der
This. Is. The Doom-ri-der

Planets devastated
Mankind's on its knees
A Daemon comes from out the Warp because a psyker sneezed
Drowning out arty thunder
Brandishing his steel
Evil is now riding deadly wheels

He. Is. The Doom-ri-der
This. Is. The Doom-ri-der
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

*Instrumental*

Faster than a Bolt-gun rocket
Louder than a sonic gun
Chromium plated daemon metal
Better than the Thousand Sons

*Instrumental*

Riding high on co-caine
Wreathed in eldritch fire
Armed with daemon weapons
He lights their funeral pyres
Firing Plasma weapons
Forever he stands tall
He's bringing Armageddon to them all-


He. Is. The Doom-ri-der
This. Is. The Doom-ri-der
Bane. Of. Man. Doom-ri-der
Dead. Ly. Wheels. Doom-ri-der

*Instrumental*

He. Is. The Doom-ri-der
This. Is. The Doom-ri-der
He. Is. The Doom-ri-der
This. Is. The Doom-ri-der

Doom. Doom. Rider. Rider.
Doom. Doom. Rider. Rider-

Can't. Stop. The Doom-ri-ddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr--
DOOM.

"Death"

Doomrider's luck would not last forever though: one day Doombreed, greatest of all of Khorne's servants found Doomrider while he was busy wrecking the shit of Fulgrim's Daemon world with Angron, An'ggrath, Kharn, and the other World Eaters. Doombreed found Doomrider filling up his Bike with cocaine and took the opportunity to chop Doomrider's head off with his giant flaming axe. Then Doombreed burned Doomrider's essence into ash with his fire breath and threw the ashes into a Black Hole. And that, kiddies, is why Doomrider isn't in the recent Chaos codices.

The editor was found dead several days later, dildos shoved in both of his eye sockets. The only evidence authorities found were traces of cocaine on the body and motorcycle tracks that lead straight into a wall, up it, and then end without explanation.

Anyway, the real reason none of us have seen Doomrider for a while is because of his "experiment," which involved him taking EVERY SINGLE DRUG known to sentient creatures (and quite a few that aren't) in under a minute. It took him three weeks of repeated testing until he got it under a minute, after which he fell off his bike, blacked out and has spent the last few editions comatose.

This editor was also found dead several days later with dildos shoved into his ears. The only evidence authorities found was traces of cocaine and some heroin needles on his body and motorcycle tracks that lead straight into the wall, up it, and on to the ceiling before disappearing without any explanation. The only suspect is a spider bike.

Anyway, Doomrider is busy in another galaxy trying to find stronger drugs, because he got bored with this galaxy's drugs and he is searching for a new high.

DOOMRIDER has too much awesome to be contained/restricted to a single 40k match. He might show up in apoc, but only if the table is covered in COCAINE! FUCK YEAH!

Disregard all the above cocaine-addled shit. Kor'Sarro Khan cut his head off.

he became more drug than man and was busy having spasms for several editions

This editor was found much like the other two prior editors, having been found with more dildos in his mouth then anatomically possible. Investigators at the scene only found large quantities of cocaine, fentanyl, and an sparkly pink dust that authorities have been unable to identify at this time. The bike tracks found on the walls and ceiling were dismissed by officials as a bizarre form of interior decorating.

Suddenly

Holly shit look at this [1]! HE'S FUCKING BACK! And about to be roflstomped by the entire company worth of Scars Kor'sarro Khan only... by ripping Doomrider's head off with his bare hands. Fuck you, Black Library! Fuck you with a chainsword! link broke no longer works

Apparently he wins the duel but ends up getting his head ripped off afterwards while dragging the Khan to a warp portal. The White Scars take it, but the head's still alive (which probably leads to problems with the White Scars' tradition of putting their foe's heads on display). They sealed his mouth shut at least, probably because otherwise he'd drive them all crazy with constant ramblings and demands for cocaine. Meh, it means that he wasn't defeated, he was ambushed by a dude he thought he had bagged. Probably completely unexpected from an Astartes, who are usually all about honor.

Despite the shitty ending, there are some good points. First of all, it's fucking Doomrider; better to have him come back to be killed off rather than just fade away in the depths of the retconnian. Plus they didn't fuck up Doomrider himself, presented as a pretty badass guy and having killed four other Masters of the Hunt who'd tried to take him down (although let's be fair, previous holders of ANY Space Marine rank exist only to die like bitches for the BBEG's reputation).

Well, given that Doomrider is a Daemon Prince, he isn't finished. He's just been banished for a while, and will ride again soon. Although the specifics of a daemon prince returning when his still-alive head is being held captive are unknown. Also probably not smart: bringing home the living head of a Slaaneshi Daemon Prince to hang out with your adrenaline junkie biker pals and not expecting anything to go wrong. So all in all, who's ready for some headcanon?

But at least Headrider and Headpool can get up to some 4th wall breaking dickery (because if we're all honest Doomrider is just a grimdark version of Deadpool before Deadpool with cocaine).

Gallery

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  In all his mini greatness.

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  NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA DOOM RIDER

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  RAPE TRAIN HAS NO FUCKING BRAKES!!!

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  Your failure is killing his high. (But is that really a bad thing?) yes, of course it is

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  I DO COCAAAAAAAAAINE

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  KEKEKEKEKEYEAAAAAAH

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  Fuckin' DOOMRIDER NA NA NA!

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  Doomrider's stats

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  COOOOOOOCAAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

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  It's not sure if Love Can Bloom on the battlefield, but COCAINE does.

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  More of cocaine.

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  Rule 63!!

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  You know what DOOMRIDER likes in his coffee dontcha??

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  He plays in a football team, too