Katanas are Underpowered in d20: Difference between revisions

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Note: the above complaint was a direct result of wasting time on the abomination that is 4th edition.
Note: the above complaint was a direct result of wasting time on the abomination that is 4th edition.
== Katanas are underpowered in 5e ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Reflavored Longsword" bullshit that's going on in the 5e system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,550,000 Yen (that's about $19,500) and have been practicing with it for almost 25 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.
Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.
Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 5e system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:
1d12 slashing, versatile (2d8), finesse, counts as magical.
Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think? I mean, I know 5e weapons are bland and have no variety, but what can I say?
tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in 5e, see my new stat block.
== Katanas are underpowered in Traveller ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Arc-Field Cutlass" bullshit that's going on in the traveller system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.
Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.
Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the traveller system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:
Katana
TL9
Melee
3D+Int+Dex damage
1 kg
Cr20000
AP 15
Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in traveller, see my new stat block.


== Katanas are Underpowered in Powered by the Apocalypse games==
== Katanas are Underpowered in Powered by the Apocalypse games==
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tl;dr = Khopeshes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.
tl;dr = Khopeshes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.
== Kriegmessers are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "European Katana" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Kriegsmesser deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine kriegsmesser in Germany for 35,000 deutsche mark (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my kriegsmesser.
German smiths spend years working on a single kriegsmesser and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.
Kriegsmesser are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a katana can cut through, a kriegsmesser can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a kriegsmesser could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.
Ever wonder why medieval Japan never bothered conquering Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Landsknecht and their kriegsmesser of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the kriegsmesser first because their killing power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? Kriegsmesser are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Kriegsmesser:
(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork
(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork
Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of kriegsmesser in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = kriegsmesser need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block


== Bullwhips are Underpowered in d20 ==
== Bullwhips are Underpowered in d20 ==
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== Lightsabers are Underpowered in d20 ==
== Lightsabers are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "A More Elegant Weapon of a Civilized Time" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Lightsabers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
That's it. I'm sick of all this "A More Elegant Weapon for a Civilized Age" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Lightsabers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.


I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine lightsaber on Ord Mantell for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about $18) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my lightsaber.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine lightsaber on Ord Mantell for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about $18) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my lightsaber.
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So what am I saying? two-by-swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Cataclysm: Dark Days Ahead system. Here is the stat block I propose for two-by-swords:
So what am I saying? two-by-swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Cataclysm: Dark Days Ahead system. Here is the stat block I propose for two-by-swords:


One handed weapon
  {
Damage:
    "type": "GENERIC",
Bash: 42
    "id": "sword_wood",
Cut: 11
    "symbol": "!",
To-hit bonus: +27
    "color": "brown",
Weight: 1 pound
    "name": { "str": "2-by-sword" },
Size: 1 unit
    "description": "The ultimate weapon of destruction.",
    "material": "wood",
    "volume": "1250 ml",
    "weight": "600 g",
    "bashing": 42,
    "cutting": 11,
    "to_hit": 27,
    "flags": [ "SHEATH_SWORD" ],
    "techniques": [ "WBLOCK_1" ]
  },


Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of 2-by-swords in real life, don't you think?
Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of 2-by-swords in real life, don't you think?


tl;dr = Two-by-swords need to do more damage in Cataclysm DDA, see my new stat block.
tl;dr = Two-by-swords need to do more damage in Cataclysm DDA, see my new stat block.


== Woman's Touch is Overpowered in Real Life ==
== Woman's Touch is Overpowered in Real Life ==
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I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 486,000 Yen (that's about $4,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 hours now. I can now cut flesh with my katana.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 486,000 Yen (that's about $4,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 hours now. I can now cut flesh with my katana.


Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to sixteen times to produce adequate blades known to mankind.
Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to sixteen times to produce one of the more adequate and blades known to mankind.


Katanas are not as sharp as European swords nor as hard for that matter. It's entirely possible that anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a man with a simple horizontal slash.
Katanas are not as sharp as European swords nor as hard for that matter. It's entirely possible that anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through. I'm pretty sure a katana, if sufficiently sharpened could easily dismember an unarmored man's arm with a simple horizontal slash.


Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too far away from each other. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because they were a sign of rank.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too far away from each other. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because they were a sign of rank.
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tl;dr = Homosexuals need to do more splash damage in d20, see my new stat block.
tl;dr = Homosexuals need to do more splash damage in d20, see my new stat block.


== Scythes are Underpowered in D20 ==
= Scythes are Underpowered in D20 =
That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Halbard” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Scythes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Halbard” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Scythes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.


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tl;dr = Scythes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.
tl;dr = Scythes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.
== Chaos is underpowerd in Warhammer 40k ==
= Chaos is underpowerd in Warhammer 40k =
That's it. I'm tired of all this "Masterwork Iron Hands" bullshit that's going on in the Warhammer 40k system right now. Chaos deserves better than that. Much better than that.
That's it. I'm tired of all this "Masterwork Iron Hands" bullshit that's going on in the Warhammer 40k system right now. Chaos deserves better than that. Much better than that.


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tl;dr: Check my new statblock.
tl;dr: Check my new statblock.


==T-Rexes are underpowered in D20 ==
=T. Rexes are underpowered in D20 =


That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork velociraptor" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. T-rexs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork velociraptor" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. T-rexs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine T-Rex Skull from the Royal Tyrrell Murseum for 2.5 million CDN (that's about $1.8M) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even bite through solid steel with my T-Rex jaw.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine T. Rex Skull from the Royal Tyrrell Murseum for 2.5 million CDN (that's about $1.8M) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even bite through solid steel with my T. Rex jaw.


Albertan paleontologists spend years working on a single T-rex and inject it with steroids up to a million times to produce the finest predators known to mankind.
Albertan paleontologists spend years working on a single T. rex and inject it with steroids up to a million times to produce the finest predators known to mankind.


T-rex teeth are thrice as sharp as European lances and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a T-Rex can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a T-Rex could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a single bite.
T. rex teeth are thrice as sharp as European lances and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a T. Rex can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a T. Rex could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a single bite.


Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Pangaea? That's right, they were too scared to fight the terrifying T-Rex and their teeth of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the T-rex skulls first because their killing power was feared and respected.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Pangaea? That's right, they were too scared to fight the terrifying T-Rex and their teeth of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the T-rex skulls first because their killing power was feared and respected.


So what am I saying? T-rexes are simply the best predator that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for a T-Rex:
So what am I saying? T. rexes are simply the best predator that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for a T. Rex:


Colossal reptile
Colossal reptile
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AC 45, 25 touch, 30 flatfooted
AC 45, 25 touch, 30 flatfooted


Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of T-Rexes in real life, don't you think?
Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of T. Rexes in real life, don't you think?
 
tl;dr = T. rexes need to be more deadly in d20, see my new stat block
 
= V6's are underpowered in D20 =
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork V8" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. V6’s deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine V6 engine in Germany for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about $2) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even outdrive Bugatti’s with my V6.
 
German wage slaves spend years working on a single V6 and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest engines known to mankind.
V6’s are thrice as speedy as V8’s and thrice as reliable for that matter too. Any distance a V8 can drive through, a V6 can drive through better. I'm pretty sure a V6 Hatchback could easily beat a Ferrari wearing a twin-turbo charged V8 with a simple push of the accelerator.


tl;dr = T-rexes need to be more deadly in d20, see my new stat block
Ever wonder why modern America never bothered racing Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Hatchbacks and their V6’s of speed. Even in World War II, American drivers targeted the men with the V6 first because their racing power was feared and respected.


== Explanation for all this shit ==
So what am I saying? V6 are simply the best engines that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for V6:
This was originally posted either by a [[weeaboo]] who thinks that katanas are the best weapons in existence, or a troll who has masterfully baited us all. Probably the former, tho. While the post holds a number of truths (a katana is quite sharp, but so is a scimitar), most of it is bullshit that relies on mysticism rather than a sound understanding of material science. Sit back and allow us to dissect it for you:
(High Powered Race Engine)
 
1d12 Speed
 
19-20 x4 acceleration
 
+2 to performance and maneuverability
 
Counts as Masterwork
 
Now that seems a lot more representative of the horsepower of the V6 in real life, don't you think?
 
tl;dr = V6 engines need to be faster in d20, see my new stat block.
 
 
= Khan is underpowered in Heritage To The Future =
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Spinny Funny" bullshit that's going on in the HFTF community right now. Khan deserves much better than this. Much, much better than this. I should know what I'm talking about. Khan himself discovered a genuine katana in Egypt for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and has been practicing with it for almost 5 minutes now. He can even shave jaws clean off with his sword.
 
Anubis spent years outliving his original user and possessed up to a million people to produce the greatest swordsmen known to mankind.
Khan's pokes and jump-ins are thrice as speedy as Chaka’s and thrice as reliable for that matter too. Any damage output a Black Polnareff can do, Khan can do better. I'm pretty sure Khan could easily zero-to-death a Pet Shop even without lows.
Ever wonder why none of the characters bothered fighting Khan in the story mode? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kahn and his stand of destruction. Even in the manga, Jotaro targeted the Anubis sword first because Khan's power was feared and respected.
 
So what am I saying? Khan is simply the best fighting game character that Za Warudo has ever seen, and thus, requires better buffs in the game.
 
tl;dr = Khan needs to be stronger in HFTF.
 
= Explanation for all this shit =
This was originally posted either by a [[weeaboo]] who thinks that katanas are the best weapons in existence, or a [[troll]] who has masterfully baited us all. Probably the former, tho. While the post holds a number of truths (a katana is quite sharp, but so is a scimitar), most of it is bullshit that relies on mysticism and Orientalism rather than a sound understanding of material science. Sit back and allow us to dissect it for you:


'''''<blockquote>I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now.</blockquote>'''''
'''''<blockquote>I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now.</blockquote>'''''


Having an expensive sword and two years of training does not make you an expert. Especially when Samurai caste members often train from the moment they could hold a sword. Also, consider the fact that even the highest quality, authentic katanas can be commissioned for well under $20000, with prices [http://www.ejapaneseswords.com/swordsforsale.html usually ranging] in the "mere" thousands of dollars.
Having an expensive sword and two years of training does not make you an expert. Especially when Samurai caste members often trained from the moment they could hold a sword. Also, consider the fact that even the highest quality, authentic katanas can be commissioned for well under $20000, with prices [http://www.ejapaneseswords.com/swordsforsale.html usually ranging] in the "mere" thousands of dollars.


'''''<blockquote>I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.</blockquote>'''''
'''''<blockquote>I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.</blockquote>'''''


This is unlikely; katanas have rather thick cross-sections and as such have to push aside more metal to get to the squishy bits, making them worse at penetrating armor. This is basic physics: for cutting through things you want as much power in one spot instead of having a massive cutting blade. On that note, every time you see a YouTube video that shows a rifle firing bullets at a katana only to have the bullets cleaved in half, please use your goddamn common sense and think of the reason rifle bullets shatter themselves upon hitting water when fired into a pool. The short answer is the bullets themselves have so much momentum of course they are going to shatter themselves on impact, and against a relatively thin thing like a katana the shattering will be in a cleaving form. It has been proven you can repeat the same scenario with a bullet and a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Qy-Be2cDGQ butter knife].
Swords can't cut slabs of solid iron, let alone steel, and katanas are no different. Katanas have rather thick cross-sections and as such have to push aside more metal to get to the squishy bits, making them worse at penetrating armor. This is basic physics: for cutting through things you want as much power in one spot instead of having a massive cutting blade. On that note, every time you see a YouTube video that shows a rifle firing bullets at a katana only to have the bullets cleaved in half, please use your goddamn common sense and think of the reason rifle bullets shatter themselves upon hitting water when fired into a pool. The short answer is the bullets themselves have so much momentum of course they are going to shatter themselves on impact, and against a relatively thin thing like a katana the shattering will be in a cleaving form. It has been proven you can repeat the same scenario with a bullet and a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Qy-Be2cDGQ butter knife].


Tl;dr: Unless you're the [[Juggernaut]] (bitch) or [[Berserk|Guts]] you ain't cutting through any shit that's not flesh and bone with a katana. Even then, you may well end up ruining the blade in short order.
Tl;dr: Unless you're the [[Juggernaut]] (bitch) or [[Berserk|Guts]], you probably ain't cutting through any shit that's harder than flesh and bone with a katana. Even then, you may well end up ruining the blade in short order.


'''''<blockquote>Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.</blockquote>'''''
'''''<blockquote>Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.</blockquote>'''''


While the "years" is potentially true (though often highly romanticized; this is usually the case for honor weapons, which are made in limited numbers for the elite samurai caste-members instead of the actual samurai fighting troops), the "million" folds is bullshit. What's more, this is a '''disadvantage''' more than anything, because if a weapon took that much effort to make then having it mass-produced for entire armies is out of the question. While the metal can be folded many times, doing so a million times does not do all that much compared to doing about 20 times. (What's actually going on is the sword has a million ''layers''; folding the sword 20 times gets you 2^20 layers). It's like you're making [[meatbread]], and you're making the end result more awesome by kneading the bread mix for eight weeks. The folding technique is to divide the carbon equally through the metal of the blade; otherwise you end up with metal that's got impurities all over the place. Japanese iron ore is traditionally rather shitty with its carbon content, so if they ''didn't'' do this the katana would not even meet the minimal durability requirements of a practical weapon. This means the folding technique is a '''necessary bother''' rather than some kind of super special awesome secret upgrade. Incidentally, while it is true that Japanese swordsmiths started folding around 1000 AD—having learned the technique from the Chinese—the Celts had been doing it since 700 BC, two millennia earlier. The [[Vikings]] had mastered this technique as well, having allegedly learned it from various Central Asian civilizations, which eventually culminated in the creation of the exquisite Ulfberht swords. By around 1000 AD, Europeans no longer bothered with it, due to improved steel quality, knowledge of metallurgy (importantly how to remove impurities), and the use of the blast furnace which allowed production of large batches of steel. Final twist: literally folding steel a million times will "burn out" all the carbon and leave you with wrought iron; better to fold steel about ten or twenty times so you can keep that lovely carbon.
While the "years" is potentially true (though often highly romanticized; this is usually the case for honor weapons, which are made in limited numbers for the elite samurai caste-members instead of the actual samurai fighting troops), the "million" folds is bullshit. What's more, this is a '''disadvantage''' more than anything, because if a weapon took that much effort to make then having it mass-produced for entire armies is out of the question. While the metal can be folded many times, doing so a million times does not do all that much compared to doing about 20 times. (What's actually going on is the sword has a million ''layers''; folding the sword 20 times gets you 2^20 layers). It's like you're making [[meatbread]], and you're making the end result more awesome by kneading the bread mix for eight weeks. The folding technique is to divide the carbon equally through the metal of the blade; otherwise you end up with metal that's got impurities all over the place. Japanese iron ore is traditionally rather shitty with its carbon content, so if they ''didn't'' do this the katana would not even meet the minimal durability requirements of a practical weapon. This means the folding technique is a '''necessary bother''' rather than some kind of super special awesome secret upgrade. Incidentally, while it is true that Japanese swordsmiths started folding around 1000 AD—having learned the technique from the Chinese—the Celts had been doing it since 700 BC, two millennia earlier. The [[Vikings]] had mastered this technique as well, having allegedly learned it from various Central Asian civilizations, which eventually culminated in the creation of the exquisite Ulfberht swords. By around 1000 AD, Europeans no longer bothered with it, due to improved steel quality, greater knowledge of metallurgy (importantly including how to remove impurities), and the use of the blast furnace which allowed production of large batches of steel. Final twist: literally folding steel a million times will "burn out" all the carbon and leave you with wrought iron; better to fold steel about ten or twenty times so you can keep that lovely carbon.


Another critically important factor that weeaboos tend to ignore is geography/geology.  See, the vast majority of iron working cultures lived in tectonically stable areas; this means that most iron comes in the form of "veins", large concentrations of the base metal that is comparatively easy to smelt for further use.  In contrast, Japan was and still is tectonically unstable, with substantially higher levels of earthquakes and (admittedly minor) volcanic activity.  Except for a VERY small number of locations, most of the iron in Japan comes in the form of "iron sand", pulverized and stirred up by Mother Nature twerking like an idiot.  Thus, while the iron in Japan was frequently of decent or better quality, making a sword out of it usually required a shitload more work just to gather up all of that sand and make it stick together into one coherent object that wouldn't just fall apart.  This is also the primary reason why katanas usually had a comparatively soft metal core surrounded by a much harder metal edge; in addition to making a better weapon, it's logistically easier in this context to have a bunch of different sources providing whatever iron is available, instead of waiting around on one single source to get enough shit together.
Another critically important factor that weeaboos tend to ignore is geography/geology.  See, the vast majority of iron working cultures lived in tectonically stable areas; this means that most iron comes in the form of "veins", large concentrations of the base metal that is comparatively easy to smelt for further use.  In contrast, Japan was and still is tectonically unstable, with substantially higher levels of earthquakes and (admittedly minor) volcanic activity.  Except for a VERY small number of locations, most of the iron in Japan comes in the form of "iron sand", pulverized and stirred up by Mother Nature twerking like an idiot.  Thus, while the iron in Japan was frequently of decent or better quality, making a sword out of it usually required a shitload more work just to gather up all of that sand and make it stick together into one coherent object that wouldn't just fall apart.  This is also the primary reason why katanas usually had a comparatively soft metal core surrounded by a much harder metal edge; in addition to making a better weapon, it's logistically easier in this context to have a bunch of different sources providing whatever iron is available, instead of waiting around on one single source to get enough shit together.
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The problem with metal is that the harder the metal is, the more brittle it is, as less ductility means less opportunity for the blade to distribute the force it suffers while striking, via deformation. Thus, since all the striking force is concentrated on that single point alone, with no way to even it out, it's more likely that the metal's integrity will fail to a point where it will simply shatter. It's kind of like punching window glass, which like hard metal is brittle and not ductile, repeatedly; the glass will eventually shatter due to similar reasons.
The problem with metal is that the harder the metal is, the more brittle it is, as less ductility means less opportunity for the blade to distribute the force it suffers while striking, via deformation. Thus, since all the striking force is concentrated on that single point alone, with no way to even it out, it's more likely that the metal's integrity will fail to a point where it will simply shatter. It's kind of like punching window glass, which like hard metal is brittle and not ductile, repeatedly; the glass will eventually shatter due to similar reasons.


A hard blade maintains a sharp edge but it chips easily, whereas a soft edge is less sharp but is easier to repair and is overall less brittle. You do not want a sword that is made from very hard metal: the moment you strike something or someone you risk having your sword snap in half, meaning you're screwed. You do not want a very soft sword either: it would pretty much fold in half upon striking a target. Some swords are made to utilize this aspect, and refrain from use STRIKING motions but rather slicing nicks. Even when laminating (layering) the metals you use, you get a weapon that can be of very high quality, but not as extreme as "three times as hard/sharp." Unless you are a [[wizard]], this simply is not possible.
A hard blade maintains a sharp edge but chips easily, whereas a soft edge is less sharp but is easier to repair and is overall less brittle. You do not want a sword that is made from very hard metal: the moment you strike something or someone you risk having your sword snap in half, meaning you're screwed. You do not want a very soft sword either: it would pretty much fold in half upon striking a target. Some swords are made to utilize this aspect, and refrain from use STRIKING motions but rather slicing nicks. Even when laminating (layering) the metals you use, you get a weapon that can be of very high quality, but not as extreme as "three times as hard/sharp." Unless you are a [[wizard]], this simply is not possible.


To their credit, the Japanese made use of these qualities by making blades with comparatively thick, softer metal cores surrounded by a thin, very hard metal edge.  Any strike that was deeper than a nicking cut would transfer most of the impact to the soft core, reducing the chances of breaking the edge.  That being said, the blades were still somewhat fragile; any blade-to-blade contact would likely snap or permanently deform the sword, which is why kendo and other Japanese sword styles teach you to PARRY, not block, with the SIDE of the blade.  Furthermore, this technique of using different types and qualities of iron in the same weapon was not at all unique to the Japanese.
To their credit, the Japanese made use of these qualities by making blades with comparatively thick, softer metal cores surrounded by a thin, very hard metal edge.  Any strike that was deeper than a nicking cut would transfer most of the impact to the soft core, reducing the chances of breaking the edge.  That being said, the blades were still somewhat fragile; any blade-to-blade contact would likely snap or permanently deform the sword, which is why kendo and other Japanese sword styles teach you to PARRY, not block, with the SIDE of the blade.  Furthermore, this technique of using different types and qualities of iron in the same weapon was not at all unique to the Japanese.


Additional consideration: you know what's way sharper than any metal blade? A blade made of glass. They're the go-to choice for cutting ultra-thin anatomical sections for microscopes. But glass isn't used for weapons because it's so brittle. This illustrates the logical extension of the above point, i.e. the sharper you get, the more delicate you get.
Additional consideration: you know what's way sharper than any metal blade? A blade made of glass. They're the go-to choice for cutting ultra-thin anatomical sections for microscopes. But glass isn't used for weapons because it's so brittle. This illustrates the logical extension of the above point, i.e. the sharper you get, the more delicate you get.
There's also another problem with this sentence; namely, the implication that European swords were inadequate. This is actually a misconception derived from the fact that most medieval European swords to survive ''were never intended for battlefield combat in the first place'' (ceremonial and display pieces are more likely to survive since they're meant to be preserved rather than used, while practice swords were generally kept in storage when not in use), so of course they wouldn't be very useful in a real fight. Close analysis of surviving battle swords reveals that they were generally well-balanced and sharp, perfectly suitable for use as weapons of war.


'''''<blockquote>Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.</blockquote>'''''
'''''<blockquote>Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.</blockquote>'''''


Unless you have arms like Zangief from Street Fighter or happen to be dæmonically possessed by a [[Chaos|malevolent entity]], you're not going to slice a fully armored [[knight]] in half. Even a heavy battle axes, which is designed for chopping through armor using its massive weight and blade, cannot hope to do this. It will penetrate the plate armor and give the wearer a serious wound with the right amount of force and momentum, but it won't cleave right through the knight in question. Granted, you might slice an arm or a head off with some precision and good momentum since armor on the limbs and neck are usually thinner, or only protected by their mail vests, and the flesh and bone around those parts there are neither as thick nor as dense as the ones found on a torso, but that's about as much dismemberment you get. The same for the katana.
Unless you have arms like Zangief from Street Fighter or happen to be dæmonically possessed by a [[Chaos|malevolent entity]], you're not going to slice a fully armored [[knight]] in half. Even a heavy battle axe, which is designed for chopping through armor using its massive weight and blade, cannot hope to do this. It will penetrate the plate armor and give the wearer a serious wound with the right amount of force and momentum, but it won't cleave right through the knight in question. Granted, you might slice an arm or a head off with some precision and good momentum since armor on the limbs and neck are usually thinner, or only protected by their mail vests, and the flesh and bone around those parts there are neither as thick nor as dense as the ones found on a torso, but that's about as much dismemberment you get. The same for the katana.


Knights had this tendency to fight from horseback: the footmen were high-paid commoners. You and your two-handed sword don't have the reach nor chopping power. Also, while samurai also fought on horseback, much like knights, they tended to brandish their spears, polearms, and bows first and only resorted to their swords in a duel between enemy leaders or as a sidearm if they happen to lose their long pointy sticks, much like knights. And this is all assuming we're not taking guns into account; by the time katanas were widespread throughout the samurai, black powder firearms were less than a century away.
Knights had this tendency to fight from horseback: the footmen were high-paid commoners. You and your two-handed sword don't have the reach nor chopping power. Also, while samurai also fought on horseback, much like knights, they tended to brandish their spears, polearms, and bows first and only resorted to their swords in a duel between enemy leaders or as a sidearm if they happen to lose their long pointy sticks, much like knights. And this is all assuming we're not taking guns into account; by the time katanas were widespread throughout the samurai, black powder firearms were less than a century away.


Even then, you're not going to cut a fully-armored knight in half: disregarding the objections from the guy himself you simply cannot cut through armor like that. This is not you being a pussy: this is physics. Even if you could force your body to move with enough speed and strength to do so you'd probably break your arms or catch fire or something from the strain/energy involved. If you are facing with someone in full plate you'd be better served with a war pick, a hammer or another weapon designed to pierce or otherwise circumvent the armor through brute force. Plate armor is good at keeping swords away—it's what it was designed for. It is true that they could cut through Japanese armors, but that is less the quality of the sword and more about the armor being made of leather in a lamellar pattern.
Even then, you're not going to cut a fully-armored knight in half: disregarding the objections from the guy himself you simply cannot cut through armor like that. This is not you being a pussy: this is physics. Even if you could force your body to move with enough speed and strength to do so you'd probably break your arms or catch fire or something from the strain/energy involved. If you are facing with someone in full plate you'd be better served with a war pick, a hammer or another weapon designed to pierce or otherwise circumvent the armor through brute force. Plate armor is good at keeping swords away—it's what it was designed for. It is true that katanas could cut through Japanese armors, but that is less the quality of the sword and more about the armor being made of leather in a lamellar pattern.


And lastly, the myth of a single masterwork sword cutting suits of armor in half can be found in '''every steel-working civilization the world over,''' not just Japan.   
And lastly, the myth of a single masterwork sword cutting suits of armor in half can be found in '''every steel-working civilization the world over,''' not just Japan.   
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'''''<blockquote>Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction.</blockquote>'''''
'''''<blockquote>Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction.</blockquote>'''''


Or they were smart enough to avoid the [[Classic Blunder|classic blunder]] of fighting a land war in Asia. Remember that going to war with Japan during this time period would mean trekking across all of mainland Russia and China to get to Korea, then building boats and going from there (which, as the Mongols discovered, is not a very smart idea). Not to mention the logistical nightmare or the '''reason''' anyone in Europe would want to do that. An army fights on its stomach, and imagine stretching supply lines that long, making it ever more prone to bandits and other dangers.
Or they were smart enough to avoid the [[Classic Blunder|classic blunder]] of fighting a land war in Asia. Remember that going to war with Japan during this time period would mean trekking across all of mainland Russia and China (which is actually '''way''' worse than it sounds; pre-modern armies relied on transporting food by boat or stealing it from the locals, and the steppes of Eurasia are generally '''very''' dry and '''very''' sparsely populated) to get to Korea, then building boats and going from there (which, as the Mongols discovered, is not a very smart idea). Not to mention the logistical nightmare or the '''reason''' anyone in Europe would want to do that. An army fights on its stomach, and imagine stretching supply lines that long, making it ever more prone to bandits and other dangers. More to the point, medieval Europe didn't know Japan existed; as far as they were concerned, the Far East was where spices, silk, and Mongols came from, and that was about it. Even if they had been aware of Japan, they were too busy dying of the plague, fighting the Muslims for the Holy Land, or fighting each other over stupid bullshit like [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avignon_Papacy where the pope should live] to be interested in leading a war of conquest against a country on the far side of the world.  


Also, when the Mongols, Chinese and Koreans were being invaded constantly by Japan, throughout centuries no-less; yet they still easily defeated them on land through use of [[Tau|firearms]] and grenades. Back then, samurai were stupid little fucks who went in front of an army to address their origin and titles blah blah and fought with the other guy samurai with equally unnecessarily flowery armor. Samurai are the warrior-equivalent of marsupials; they developed in isolation and never faced the cultural mosh-pit of Europe and Asia that would have otherwise forced them to adopt more practical methods (i.e., shields). They never had experience fighting a war like it was fought on the main continent; as soon as they came forward to address the Chinese they were laughed at and got a cannonball greeting. The men aren't there to die stupid deaths just for a romanticized line in a novel or a general to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_K1BdDVvV9Q pin another a medal on his chest]. Because winning the war is hardly the end of it: every man standing and not reduced to a rotting carcass or crip is going home and resuming to be a part of your national production, especially when technology played far less roles than today in improving the overall production. But I digress.
Also, when the Mongols, Chinese and Koreans were being invaded constantly by Japan, throughout centuries no less, they still easily defeated them on land through use of [[Tau|firearms]] and grenades. Back then, samurai were stupid little fucks who went in front of an army to address their origin and titles blah blah and fought with the other guy samurai with equally unnecessarily flowery armor. Samurai are the warrior equivalent of marsupials; they developed in isolation and never faced the cultural mosh-pit of Europe and Asia that would have otherwise forced them to adopt more practical methods (i.e., shields). They never had experience fighting a war like it was fought on the main continent; as soon as they came forward to address the Chinese they were laughed at and got a cannonball greeting. The men aren't there to die stupid deaths just for a romanticized line in a novel or a general to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_K1BdDVvV9Q pin another a medal on his chest]. Because winning the war is hardly the end of it: every man standing and not reduced to a cripple or a rotting carcass is going home and resuming to be a part of your national production, especially when technology played far less roles than today in improving the overall production.


What's more, up until the late 19th and early 20th century, the majority of Japanese "invasions of the mainland" were not invasions at all; they were pirates.  While they frequently came out the victors in the sorts of quick-and-dirty skirmishing that are the hallmarks of pirate raids, they very rarely fought anything that could actually be called a WAR against anyone from the mainland.
What's more, up until the late 19th and early 20th century, the majority of Japanese "invasions of the mainland" were not actually invasions at all; they were acts of piracy.  While they frequently came out the victors in the sorts of quick-and-dirty skirmishing that are the hallmarks of pirate raids, they very rarely fought anything that could actually be called a WAR against anyone from the mainland.


Plus few people know that ever since their first appearance, samurai actually are shown using huge ass bows from horseback more often than fighting up close, and if they did they often resorted to naginata (halberds) or yari (spears), with the katana being a weapon of last resort.  Aside from a few outliers like the Shimazu of the Sengoku era, the vast majority of samurai considered the katana, aside from its spiritual focus, to be just another weapon of war, and frequently not the correct tool for the task at hand.  So much for [[weeaboo|katana + samurai fanwank]].
Plus few people know that ever since their first appearance, samurai actually are shown using huge ass bows from horseback more often than fighting up close, and if they did they often resorted to naginata (halberds) or yari (spears), with the katana being a weapon of last resort, similarly to how many European and Middle Eastern armored cavalry used lances more frequently than swords.  Aside from a few outliers like the Shimazu of the Sengoku era, the vast majority of samurai considered the katana, aside from its spiritual focus, to be just another weapon of war, and frequently not the correct tool for the task at hand.  So much for [[weeaboo|katana + samurai fanwank]].


For the samurai the katana was more of a spiritual weapon stemming from Buddhist principles: by mastering the sword one masters oneself. This creates an interesting comparison between how weapons in the West and in Japan are seen: for a knight his arming sword was but a tool, but for a samurai a katana was an extension of the self. This is mostly how it works in Japan though: the nation is not a good example to represent all of Asia or even East Asia. Japan is as the island weirdo as the British are among European countries. Japan is a special case in Asia where militants were always in power. In the mainland, either money or scholarliness earned you a position in society, as it should; a man worshiping a tool that kills would easily have been seen as a barbarous dumbass or bandit. Carrying a sword around would get you arrested for "militant attempt to raise arms to overthrow the authority" just like you would also be today if you were walking around pointing a pistol at people. And after Japan was united and the feudal age ended in the 16th century, peace-time samurai officials became more and more like modern-day office workers; they still carried at least wooden swords for signs of their office.
For the samurai the katana was more of a spiritual weapon stemming from Buddhist principles: by mastering the sword one masters oneself. This creates an interesting comparison between how weapons in the West and in Japan are seen: for a knight his arming sword was but a tool, but for a samurai a katana was an extension of the self. This is mostly how it works in Japan, though: the nation is not a good example to represent all of Asia or even East Asia. Japan is as the island weirdos as the British are among European countries. Japan is a special case in Asia where militants were always in power (Shogunates). In the mainland, either money or scholarliness earned you a position in society (Imperial Examinations), as it should; a man worshiping a tool that kills would easily have been seen as a barbarous dumbass or bandit. Carrying a sword around would get you arrested for "militant attempt to raise arms to overthrow the authority" just like you would also be today if you were walking around pointing a gun at random people without provocation. And after Japan was united and the feudal age ended in the 16th century, peace-time samurai officials became more and more like modern-day office workers; they still carried at least wooden swords for signs of their office.


To further dismiss this katana/Japanese fanwank, after the entirety of the Japanese united during the Edo period, there was a marked decline of the samurai due to Japan not having strife with constant internal warfare, thus the role of the samurai (as said before) has been turned into a more political entity. And with the arrival of firearms... Furthermore, in response on the notion of "Europeans don't want to invade Japan because Samurai=Awesome!", before the First Sino–Japanese war, [[Horus Heresy|Japan has constantly tried to invade/go to war with China]], [[FAIL|but FAILING it in the process, similar to Failbaddon's "Crusades"]]. There was a reason why nobody took the Japanese seriously before 1905 (When they won the Russo-Japanese war, although this isn't saying much as Russia had jack shit military in that area and was being lead by an absolute military asshat), with the [[Eldar|Chinese mocking]]/[[Eldrad|being complete dicks to them]] [[Imperium|and the Europeans looking down at them.]]
To further dismiss this katana/Japanese fanwank, after the entirety of the Japanese united during the Edo period, there was a marked decline of the samurai due to Japan not having strife with constant internal warfare, thus the role of the samurai (as said before) has been turned into a more political entity. And with the arrival of firearms... Furthermore, in response on the notion of "Europeans don't want to invade Japan because Samurai=Awesome!", before the First Sino–Japanese war, [[Horus Heresy|Japan has constantly tried to invade/go to war with China]], [[FAIL|but FAILING it in the process, similar to Failbaddon's "Crusades"]]. There was a reason why nobody took the Japanese seriously before 1905 (When they won the Russo-Japanese war, although this isn't saying much as Russia had jack shit military in that area and was being lead by an absolute military asshat), with the [[Eldar|Chinese mocking]]/[[Eldrad|being complete dicks to them]] [[Imperium|and the Europeans looking down at them.]]
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'''''<blockquote>Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.</blockquote>'''''
'''''<blockquote>Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.</blockquote>'''''


Or because they were the enemy leadership and killing them upset the chain of command and demoralize the troops on the ground, on top of their stubborn tendency to march before the grunts they were leading simply because it looked cooler (such things were often top priority in the Imperial Japanese Army, as it was headed by men who would make Boreale cry tears of joy). [[Death Korps of Krieg|World War I]] armies that were outdated 3 decades ago? When they are leading a [[WAAAGH|BANZAAAAAAIII!!!]] charge? [[Chenkov|With bayoneted rifles with no bullets and ]][[Baneblade|no armor support?]] [[Space Marines|Into the lines of the best-equipped and best-fed army in the world backed by the best industry, equipped with SMGs and semi-auto standard issue rifles, and grenades that—surprise, surprise—''don't'' explode the moment you pull the pin?]]
Or because they were the enemy leadership and killing them upset the chain of command and demoralized the troops on the ground, on top of their stubborn tendency to march before the grunts they were leading simply because it looked cooler (such things were often top priority in the Imperial Japanese Army, as it was headed by men who would make Boreale cry tears of joy). Unlike Japan, every other major power learned that fighting like pre-[[Death Korps of Krieg|World War I]] style armies were tactically outdated 3 decades ago.
 
It doesn't take a history professor to know what usually happened when they started a [[WAAAGH|BANZAAAAAAIII!!!]] charge. [[Chenkov|With bayoneted rifles with no bullets and ]][[Baneblade|no armor support?]] [[Space Marines|Into the lines of the best-equipped and best-fed army in the world backed by the one of the best industries, equipped with SMGs, standard issue, semi-auto rifles, machine guns and grenades that—surprise, surprise—''don't'' explode the moment you pull the pin?]]


It should also be noted the "military katana" issued for officers at this time aren't too far from a decorative sword given an edge and point, used more for symbolism and scaring their own soldiers than any practical use in combat.
It should also be noted the "military katanas" issued for officers at this time weren't too far from a decorative sword given an edge and point, used more for symbolism, scaring their own soldiers, and executions than any practical use in combat.


Furthermore, the best katanas at that time were carved from railroad tracks since the fucking Chinese were blowing up '''every—single—thing''' that the Japanese were thought to get their short, grubby little hands on. These should give you a nice idea of the overall quality of said weapons (read: not very high). Further hilarity includes Chinese Dadao swords (which are like giant meat-cleavers/sabers) LOLstopping Japanese officers with katanas, and sometimes even breaking the damn katana in the process (to further give you the clue on hilarity, the Dadao itself was made from railroad tracks and it was mass produced too, meaning every Chinese soldier was equipped with one).
Furthermore, the best katanas at that time were carved from railroad tracks since the fucking Chinese were blowing up '''every—single—thing''' that the Japanese were thought to get their short, grubby little hands on. These should give you a nice idea of the overall quality of said weapons (read: not very high). Further hilarity includes Chinese Dadao swords (which are like giant meat-cleavers/sabers) LOLstopping Japanese officers with katanas, and sometimes even breaking the damn katana in the process (to further give you the clue on hilarity, the Dadao itself was made from railroad tracks and it was mass produced too, meaning large amounts of Chinese soldiers and militias were equipped with one). That's not even going into the fact that Imperial Japan had the most shitty weapons compared to every other Axis force and even Allied nations. Only the Italians had debatably worse gear than the Japanese.


'''''<blockquote>So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system.</blockquote>'''''
'''''<blockquote>So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system.</blockquote>'''''
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They really aren't. They're not ''bad,'' indeed they're really quite good (if you're looking at one made by an actual weaponsmith, and not a troll selling crappy overpriced pot-metal to stupid weeaboos), but they're just not the end-all sharp metal stick that they are hyped to be. They were good for the local needs of the land of their origin, having only to deal with foes with light armor or overly flowery lamellar armor that folded like so much origami when not worn on a body. And we deserve a better system than [[d20]].
They really aren't. They're not ''bad,'' indeed they're really quite good (if you're looking at one made by an actual weaponsmith, and not a troll selling crappy overpriced pot-metal to stupid weeaboos), but they're just not the end-all sharp metal stick that they are hyped to be. They were good for the local needs of the land of their origin, having only to deal with foes with light armor or overly flowery lamellar armor that folded like so much origami when not worn on a body. And we deserve a better system than [[d20]].


I'll give katanas this, though. Both Chinese and Korean generals, their coastlines suffering from [[Dark Eldar|rampant Japanese pirate raids]], saw merit in katanas and incorporated them in their armories. But its just one weapon among many, since you're still talking to guys who have rocket launchers, guns, bombs, grenades, mines, flamethrowers and automatons, so a simple sword is all "meh" to the Chinese/Koreans. It's funny because apparently there was no such thing as "hype" for them: its just a noteworthy weapon that has its uses. Little did they know some weird West-folk (and sadly, most of the populace brainwashed by Hollywood if not just anime) in the 20th century would buy into some fantasy where they would jump at the opportunity to replace entire national armories with only katanas... much to the Chinese's eternal dismay.
Katanas do deserve this, though. Both Chinese and Korean generals, their coastlines suffering from [[Dark Eldar|rampant Japanese pirate raids]], saw merit in katanas and incorporated them in their armories. But its just one weapon among many, since you're still talking to guys who have dual-stage rockets, matchlock rifles, various explosives (including rudimentary grenades and mines), flamethrowers and automatons (used in fancy courts as novelty items), so a simple sword is all "meh" to the Chinese/Koreans. It's funny because apparently there was no such thing as "hype" for them: its just a noteworthy weapon that has its uses. Little did they know some weird West-folk (and sadly, most of the populace brainwashed by Hollywood if not just anime) in the 20th century would buy into some fantasy where they would jump at the opportunity to replace entire national armories with only katanas... much to the Chinese's eternal dismay.


I would just like to point out that a) comparing a katana and an arming sword is like comparing an Imperial Plasma pistol and a T'au pulse pistol, the katana is a weapon wielded by a small elite and a symbol of status, the arming sword is a sidearm worn by everyone and their gran. The fact that the katana is not much more impressive, to say the least, just goes to show how lame it is. Also, a bronze sword can cut through steel sheet, that is not impressive.  
One last note: it should be pointed out that a) comparing a katana and an arming sword is like comparing an Imperial Plasma pistol and a T'au pulse pistol, the katana is a weapon wielded by a small elite and a symbol of status, the arming sword is a sidearm worn by everyone and their gran. The fact that the katana is not much more impressive, to say the least, just goes to show that it's not the Best Weapon EVAR its reputation suggests. Also, a bronze sword can cut through steel sheet, that is not impressive.  
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLWzH_1eZsc Here's a British fellow talking some more about katanas]
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLWzH_1eZsc Here's a British fellow talking some more about katanas]
[https://youtu.be/w_3W1zg683A?t=357 Make sure to collect the delicious RAGE tears your weaboo no-friends are going to shed after showing them this.]
TL;DR: some guys took Samurai Jack way too seriously.


==A TWEEST==
==A TWEEST==

Latest revision as of 11:13, 21 June 2023

GET OUT OF MY SHITTY WOK, YOU JAPANESE DOGS!.

Original Post[edit]

Folded up to a million times.

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.


Katanas are Overpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 120 Yen (that's about $1) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut wooden boards with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce some of the biggest pieces of shit known to mankind.

Katanas are barely half as sharp as European swords and half as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can't cut through at all. I'm pretty sure a katana would break trying to cut a knight wearing full plate with any kind of slash.

Ever wonder why feudal Japan never bothered conquering Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Oakeshott types X through XXII of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the mamelukes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the worst sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d4 Damage
x2 Crit
-2 to hit and damage
Can never count as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d6 Damage
x2 Crit
-1 to hit and damage
Can never count as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do much less in d20, see my new stat block.

Katanas are Underpowered in 4th Edition[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "bastard sword" bullshit that's going on in the 4th Edition system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4th Edition system. Here is the stat block I propose for katanas:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon)
2d10 base damage
+5 proficiency bonus
Heavy blade, light blade (counts as both)
High crit, off-hand, reach, versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in 4th Edition, see my new stat block.

Note: the above complaint was a direct result of wasting time on the abomination that is 4th edition.


Katanas are underpowered in 5e[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Reflavored Longsword" bullshit that's going on in the 5e system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,550,000 Yen (that's about $19,500) and have been practicing with it for almost 25 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana. Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind. Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected. So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 5e system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

1d12 slashing, versatile (2d8), finesse, counts as magical.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think? I mean, I know 5e weapons are bland and have no variety, but what can I say?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in 5e, see my new stat block.


Katanas are underpowered in Traveller[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Arc-Field Cutlass" bullshit that's going on in the traveller system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the traveller system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

Katana TL9 Melee 3D+Int+Dex damage 1 kg Cr20000 AP 15

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in traveller, see my new stat block.

Katanas are Underpowered in Powered by the Apocalypse games[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "I don't know, what does happen when you cut him with your sword?" bullshit that's going on in Poweredby the Apocalypse right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Powered by the Apocalypse. Here is the stat block I propose for katanas:

"I don't know, what does happen when you cut him with your mastercrafted bastard sword?"

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to be cooler in Powered by the Apocalypse, see my new stat block.

Bastard Swords are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Katanas" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bastard Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bastard Sword in Germany for 10,000 Euros (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Bastard Sword.

European smiths spend years working on a single Bastard Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Bastard Swords are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Daisho can cut through, a Bastard Sword can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword could easily bisect a samurai wearing pieces of wood for armor with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering Medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Bastard Swords of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the Bastard Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bastard Swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bastard Swords:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bastard Swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bastard Swords need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Crossbows are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Heavy Crossbow" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Crossbows deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine crossbow in Italy for 4,500 Euro (that's about £2000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of solid steel with my crossbow.

European smiths spend days working on a single crossbow and test it up to two dozen times to produce the finest peasant weapon known to mankind.

Crossbows are thrice as easy to train as an English Longbow and thrice as deadly for that matter too. Anything a bodkin arrow can punch through, a crossbow bolt can punch through better, and more accurately too. I'm pretty sure a crossbow could easily pierce the lung of a Gendarme wearing full plate with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Crossbowmen and their implements of destruction. Even in the Fifteenth Century, the Vatican banned the use of crossbows against Christians because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Crossbows are simply the best ranged weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Crossbows:

Light Crossbow (Two-Handed Martial Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Range 200ft

Heavy Crossbow (Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Range 280ft

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Crossbows in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Crossbows need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Macuahuitl are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Macuahuitl deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine macuahuitl in Tenochtitlan for two goats and three sacks of cacao beans (that's about $6,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my macuahuitl.

Aztec smiths spend weeks working on a single macuahuitl and sharpen the edges up to a dozen times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Macuahuitl are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a longsword can cut through, a macuahuitl can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a macuahuitl could easily chop a Spanish conquistador, his horse, and their plate armor in half with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Central America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Aztecs and their macuahuitl of destruction. Even in the sixteenth century, Spanish explorers targeted the macuahuitl-wielding Aztecs with smallpox-infected blankets first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Macuahuitl are simply the best swords that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for macuahuitl:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of macuahuitl in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Macuahuitl need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Tomahawks are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Hand Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Tomahawks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tomahawk in northern New Mexico for 200 blue beads (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my tomahawk.

Apache smiths spend years working on a single tomahawk and barter the steel for it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Tomahawks are thrice as sharp as European axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a battle-axe can cut through, a tomahawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a tomahawk could easily bisect a colonist wearing officer's full dress with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Americas? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined warriors and their tomahawks of destruction. Even in World War II, Canadian soldiers targeted the men with the tomahawks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tomahawk are simply the best axes that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Tomahawks:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Tomahawks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Tomahawks need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Khopeshes are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Khopeshes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine khopesh in Egypt for 500,000 Egyptian pounds (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my khopesh.

Egyptian smiths spend years working on a single khopesh and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Khopeshes are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a khopesh can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a khopesh could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Egypt? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Egyptian warriors and their khopeshes of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the khopeshes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Khopeshes are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Khopeshes:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Khopeshes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Khopeshes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Kriegmessers are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "European Katana" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Kriegsmesser deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine kriegsmesser in Germany for 35,000 deutsche mark (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my kriegsmesser.

German smiths spend years working on a single kriegsmesser and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Kriegsmesser are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a katana can cut through, a kriegsmesser can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a kriegsmesser could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Japan never bothered conquering Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Landsknecht and their kriegsmesser of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the kriegsmesser first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Kriegsmesser are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Kriegsmesser:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of kriegsmesser in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = kriegsmesser need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block

Bullwhips are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Scourge" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bullwhips deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bullwhip in Cairo for 2,400,000 Egyptian Pounds (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even knock free slabs of solid rock with my bullwhip.

Various smiths spend days working on a single bullwhip and braid it up to a million times to produce the finest whips known to mankind.

Bullwhips are thrice as keen as European whips and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a horsewhip can cut through, a bullwhip can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bullwhip could easily really fucking injure a Kraut wearing a dubious disguise with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Nazi Germany never bothered conquering England? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined archeologists and their bullwhips of destruction. Even in The Last Crusade, Germans soldiers targeted the men with the bullwhips first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bullwhips are simply the best whips that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bullwhips:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(While wearing a Fedora hat/If Character is a female German prosecutor) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bullwhips in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bullwhips need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Lightsabers are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "A More Elegant Weapon for a Civilized Age" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Lightsabers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine lightsaber on Ord Mantell for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about $18) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my lightsaber.

Jedi smiths spend years working on a single lightsaber and refocus the crystal up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Lightsabers are thrice as sharp as Kaminoan vibroblades and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a vibrosword can cut through, a lightsaber can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a lightsaber could easily bisect a Imperial Officer wearing a fetching black uniform with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Empire never bothered conquering all known space? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Jedi and their lightsabers of destruction. Even in the Galactic Civil War, Imperial soldiers targeted the men with the lightsabers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lightsabers are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lightsabers:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Lightsabers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lightsabers need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

(OOC: This one is technically true, as Lightsabers are basically magically superheated plasma for some reason. No one knows how. The temperature of Plasma is hot enough to cut through any type of metal. Basically, causing the metal to turn into their liquid forms.)

Serrated Axes are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Saw" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Serrated axes deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine serrated axe on /tg/ for 2,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid adamantium with my serrated axe.

D&D smiths spend years working on a single serrated axe and add serrations about up to a million times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Serrated axes are thrice as sharp as normal axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an axe can cut, a serrated axe can cut better. I'm pretty sure a serrated axe could easily decapitate a neutronium golem with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why 40k never bothered conquering D&D? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Barbarians and their serrated axes of destruction. Even during some weird-ass crossover war, non-serrated-axe-wielders targeted the men with the serrated axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Serrated axes are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for the serrated axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 19-20 x4 +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 17-20 x4 +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of serrated axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

Shovels are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bayonet" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Shovels deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine military shovel in base camp for $15 (that's about 1500 pennies) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my shovel.

American smiths spend years working on a single shovel and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Shovels are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a shovel can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a shovel could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why WWII Germany never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight our disciplined soldiers and their shovels of destruction. In World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the shovels first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Shovels are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for shovels:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of shovels in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Shovels need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Monk Fists are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Fighters-only Monkey Grip feat" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Monks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine monk in Tibet for 24 goats (that's about $3) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even break slabs of solid steel with his simple technique.

Tibetan monks spend years working on a single finger and exercise it up to a million times to produce the finest hands known to mankind.

Tibetan hands are thrice as strong as European hands and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knight's gauntlet can cut through, a monk's hands can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a monk could easily decapitate a knight wearing full plate with a half-hearted uppercut.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Tibet? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined monks and their fists of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted unarmed monks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fists are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for monk fists:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the rip-and-tearing power of fists in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Monk fists need to do more damage, see my new stat block.

Sage is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "sage" bullshit that's going on in this thread right now. Sage deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine sage in 4chan for 2,400,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sage threads of solid awesome with my sage.

Weeaboo fags spend years working on a single sage and type it up to a million times to produce the finest sage known to mankind.

Sage is thrice as sharp as age and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an age can bump, a sage can unbump better. I'm pretty sure a sage could easily sage the most epic thread in the universe with four letters.

Ever wonder why /co/ never bothered conquering /a/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the weeaboo fags and their sage of destruction. Even during the re/b/oot, Moderators targeted the men with the sage first because their sageing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Sage is simply the best thing that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in this thread. Here is the stat block I propose for sage:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Sage 19-20 x4 More Sage +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Sage 17-20 x4 More Sage +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Sage in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

Optimus Prime is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Transformer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Optimus Prime deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of every episode of Transformers in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been watching them for almost 2 years now. I can even cut fanboys of solid fat with my Transformers knowledge.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single Optimus Prime toy and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest toy known to mankind.

Optimus Prime is thrice as sharp as other Transformers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything Megatron can cut through, Optimus Prime can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Optimus Prime could easily bisect a Decepticon wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Decepticons never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Autobots and their Optimus Prime of destruction. Even in World War II, Megatron targeted Optimus Prime first because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Optimus Prime is simply the best Transformer that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Optimus Prime:

(One-Handed Transformer) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Transformer) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Optimus Prime in the show, don't you think?

tl;dr = Optimus Prime needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Bishops are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Knight" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bishops deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bishop in Russia for 13,000 Rubles (that's about $500) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Deep Blue with my Bishop.

Russian smiths spend years working on a single Bishop and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest pieces known to mankind.

Bishops are thrice as sharp as European Knights and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knights can cut through, a bishop can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bishop could easily bisect a knight wearing full pawns with a simple diagonal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Russia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kasparov and their bishops of destruction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the bishops first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bishops are simply the best piece that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bishop:

(One-Handed Exotic Piece) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Piece) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bishop in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bishops need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Cats are Overpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Can Kill Commoners" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Cats deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine cat in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been punting it like a goddamn football for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid butter with my cat.

Older, more virile cats spend months incubating a single cat and give birth up to a million times to produce the weakest animals known to mankind.

Humans are three size categories larger than cats and have thrice the STR for that matter too. Anything a cat can cut through, a human can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a human could easily bisect a cat wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval cats never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their shoes of destruction. Even in World War II, American cats targeted the men first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Cats are simply the worst animal that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for cats:

CAT Tiny Animal Hit Dice: 1/4 d8 (1 hp)

Attack: Claw +4 melee (1d20-19*) Full Attack: 2 claws +4 melee (1d20-19*) and bite –1 melee (1d20-19*)

- cats deal a minimum of 0 damage on their damage rolls.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of cats in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Cats need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Duct Tape is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "150ft Rope" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Duct Tape deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine roll of Duct Tape from Wal-Mart for 600 pennies (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even build skyscrapers of solid steel with my Duct Tape.

Underpaid factory machines spend minutes working on a single roll of Duct Tape and roll it up to a million times to produce the finest adhesive tape known to mankind.

Duct Tape is thrice as powerful as rope and thrice as thin for that matter too. Anything a rope can bind, Duct Tape can bind better. I'm pretty sure Duct Tape could easily bind a knight wearing full plate with a simple 3 layer wrap.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Wal-Mart? That's right, they were too scared to fight the elderly door greeters and their Duct Tape of binding. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with Duct Tape first because their prisoner taking power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Duct Tape is simply the best holding item that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Duct Tape:

(70 foot roll) up to 1000lbs of weight indefinitely 2000lbs for 6d10+4 turns 45DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

(200ft "Value" roll) OVER NINE-THOUSAND pounds indefinitely 100,000lbs for d10 months 75DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the binding power of Duct Tape in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Duct Tape need to hold more weight in d20, see my new stat block.

Bolters are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Default Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Bolters deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bolter in Mars for 3 minutes of sex with the Fabricator-General (that's about $800,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make slabs of solid plasteel disappear with my bolter.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend years working on a single bolter and test it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Bolters are thrice as shooty as laser weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a lascannon can shoot through, a bolter can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a bolter could easily punch a hole through a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the C'tan never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their bolters of destruction. Even in the War in Heaven, C'tan soldiers targeted the Marines with the bolters first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bolters are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bolters:

(Boltgun) 72' Range S:9 AP:1 Assault 9, Armorbane, Large Blast, Sniper, Rending, Lance, Ignores Cover, Ignores Invulnerable saves

(Heavy Bolter) 96' Range S:D AP:1 Salvo 9/18, Massive Blast, Sniper, Rending, Lance, Ignores Cover, Ignores invulnerable saves, Armorbane

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of Bolters in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bolters need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Lasguns are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Master Crafted Flashlight" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Lasguns deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself received a lasgun when I completed my training (that's about 40 minutes) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even melt through slabs of plasteel with my lasgun.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend seconds using an STC to make a single lasgun and don't even bother testing it to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Lasguns are thrice as shooty as bolt weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a vulcan mega bolter can shoot through, a lasgun can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a lasgun could easily vaporize a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why Abaddon never succeeded in taking Cadi- Umm Terra? That's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Imperial Guard and their lasguns of destruction. Even in the 13th black crusade, Chaos soldiers targeted the Guardsmen with the lasguns first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lasguns are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lasguns:

(Lasgun) 72' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Invulnerable Saves

(Lascannon) 96' Range S:D/D/D AP1/1/1 Assault 9+2D6 Apocalyptic Mega-blast Barrage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of lasguns in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lasguns need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block. (Or, failing that, the rules for the Lucian Pattern Hellgun in the Rogue Trader RPG.)

Deze Shootaz Need More Dakka[edit]

Oy, ya ignorant gitz. I'z sick of all dis "puny dakka" wot been goin' on in me WAAAGH right now. Shootaz is more dakka den dat. Gobs more dakka.

If some git don't think I know what I'm talking about, I'll krump 'im good. I got me a Shoota from da Mekboy fer loadz uv teef (an' I mean loadz) and I'z been really shooty wid it for a long time now. I'z pretty sure I kan even stomp a Squiggoth real propa with me shoota.

Bad Moon Mekboyz spend too much time mukin' about, workin' on just one Shoota an dey put up to a million gubbinz on it to produce da flashiest Shootas known to da orkz.

Shootaz is lots more shooty than 'umie gunz and lots more 'ard, too. Anyfing an 'umie can shoot, a boy with a Shoota can shoot betta. I'z bettin' all me teef dat a Shoota could krump one'o dem Titan-fings real easy.

Wanna know why dem Beaky Boyz can't evah beat Orks in battle? Dat's right, cuz dey's scared of Shootaz. Even at Armor-geddum, da 'umies shot da boyz wiv Shootas first. Dat's coz Shootaz 'ave loads uv dakka and dey know it.

So wot, you sez? I'll tell you wot, ya stupid git. Shootas is da most dakka dere evah was, an' we need real wunz, not dese puny fings. 'ere'z wot dey need:

More Dakka Iron Gobz More Dakka Dakka Spikez Fixa Grot Red paint Stikkbomb Chucka Shootier Blasta More Dakka Bolt-on Burna Bolt-on Rokkit Launcha Turbo Boosta Big Grabba Bolt-on Big Shoota More Dakka Ammo Squig WAAAGH Beer WAAAAAAGH

Now dat's wot I call a Shoota.

Da short uv it is, Shootaz need more dakka.

World War 2 First Person Shooters[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Counter-Strike" bullshit that's going right now. WW2 FPS games deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine WW2 FPS in Russia for 4,000 Ruble (that's about 5 cents) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make the so-called pro players rage quit with my leet skill.

Overworked programmers spend months working on a single FPS game and write up to a trillion lines of code to produce the finest games known to all civilizations.

World War 2 FPSs are thrice as challenging as Counter-Strike and thrice as enjoyable for that matter too. Anything a Modern Warfare 3 player can snipe, a Battlefield 1942 gamer can snipe better. I'm pretty sure you could easily rank top in any server with a simple practice in WW2 FPS.

Ever wonder why RPG game producers never bothered competing with WW2 FPS game producers? That's right, they were too scared of losing too much money trying to convert the die-hard gamer fags and their quality games of addiction. Even in the 22nd century, gamers of other genre will gang up on the gamers who will have played WW2 FPS first because their leet skill will still be feared and respected.

So what am I saying? WW2 FPSs are simply the best games that mankind has ever made.

Women are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Man" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Women deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woman in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with her for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with her teeth.

Japanese parents spend years working on a single woman and send her to school and training dojos up to a million times to produce the finest gender known to mankind.

Women are thrice as sharp as men and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a man can cut through, a woman can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a woman could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cutting remark.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Amazon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Amazon people and their women of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the women first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Women are simply the best gender that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Women:

+4 to all ability scores, 25% EXP bonus

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Women in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Women need to do more in d20, see my new stat block.

Woomera are underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Boomerang" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Woomeras deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woomera in Murray country for 20 Winnie Blues (that's about three longnecks) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can pierce slabs of solid beer with my woomera hurled spears.

Drunken abbos spend a couple of afternoons bludging on a single woomera and beg for smokes up to a fifty times to produce the finest spear accelorator known to mankind.

Woomera are thrice as hurly as Koori boomerangs and thrice as attractive for that matter too. Anything a boomerang can hit, a woomera can hit better. I'm pretty sure a woomera could easily hurl a spear to penetrate a petrol sniffing sexually abused child with a simple hurling motion.

Ever wonder why Kooris never bothered conquering Murray country? That's right, they were too drunk. But if they weren't they'd be scared to fight the drunk Murrays and their woomeras of hurling. Even in World War II, Koories and Murrays were drunk because they were abbos.

So what am I saying? Woomera are simply the best pre-agricultural hurling weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for woomera:

Javelin / throwing-spear range and damage enhancer. At least 5 more damage than any fucking throwing club.

Only available from drunken boongs.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of woomera in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Woomera need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Gothic Fullplate is underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "+8 AC" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Gothic plate armour deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine suit of Gothic plate in Hamburg for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about nine billion Pesos) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even absorb slabs of solid steel with my Gothic plate.

German smiths spend years working on a single suit of armour and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest armour known to mankind. Gothic plate is thrice as fluted as Asian lamellar and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an ō-yoroi can deflect, Gothic plate can deflect better. I'm pretty sure a suit of Gothic plate would split a katana in half with a simple motionless stance.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined knights and their indestructible Gothic plate. Even in World War II, Japanese tanks targeted the men in the Gothic plate first because their staying power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Gothic plate is simply the best armour that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Gothic plate:

+12 AC, immune to critical hits, counts as Masterwork, DR10/-

Now that seems a lot more representative of the defensive power of Gothic plate in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Full Plate needs more defense in d20, see my new stat block.

Fa/tg/uys are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork /b/tard" bullshit that's going on in the 4d20 system right now. Fa/tg/uys deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine fa/tg/uy in 4chan for 2,400,000 gp (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut Nobilis rulebooks with my fa/tg/uy.

4chan trolls spend years working on a single fa/tg/uy and provoke it up to a million times to produce the most rage-prone posters known to mankind.

Fa/tg/uys are thrice as angry as /v/irgins and thrice as grammar nazi-ing for that matter too. Anything a /v/irgin can rage over, a fa/tg/uy can rage over even harder. I'm pretty sure a fa/tg/uy could easily derail a /v/ thread with a simple single-line troll post.

Ever wonder why medieval /d/ never bothered buggering /tg/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined fa/tg/uys and their rulebook citations of destruction. Even in World War II, /co/mrades targeted the fa/tg/uy first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fa/tg/uys are simply the best trolls that the internet has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for fa/tg/uys:

(One-Handed Exotic Poster) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Poster) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the trolling power of fa/tg/uys on the internet, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fa/tg/uys need to do more damage in 4d20, see my new stat block.

Viking War Axes are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Battle Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Viking War Axes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Viking War Axe from Denmark for 100,000 Kroner (that's about $17,397.05) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Viking War Axe.

Viking smiths spend years working on a single War Axe and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Viking War Axes are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a Viking War Axe can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Viking War Axe could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Scandanavia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Vikings and their Viking War Axes of destruction. Even during the Battle of Hastings, English soldiers targeted the men with the Viking War Axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Viking War Axe are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Viking War Axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Viking War Axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Viking War Axes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Rocks are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Chunk of Granite" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Rocks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine rock from Berlin Wall for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about 20,875,000 Yuans) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash blocks of solid steel with my rock.

Dwarf master stonecutters spend decades working on a single rock and polish it up to a million times to produce the smoothest, deadliest stone weapons known to mankind.

Polished rocks are thrice as blunt as common Danube riverbed pebbles and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a warhammer can smash through, a rock can break through better. I'm pretty sure such rock could easily break a knight wearing full plate in two with a single deadly swing.

Ever wonder why medieval Native Americans never bothered conquering Holy Roman Empire? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined paladins and their deadly Blessed Stones of Smiting. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the rocks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Rocks are simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rocks:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon)
Natural Keen weapon (17-20X2)
2d12 base damage
+5 proficiency bonus
+3 universal familiarity bonus
Superior Bashing (+2 pt./Lv To-Hit bonus to smash open doors, chests, barrels or similar; +1 pt./Lv To-Hit bonus when aiming at scull (beings without a head, such as oozes, are immune to these effects))
Heavy rock, light rock (counts as both)
High crit, off-hand, reach, spec. thrown (+5 To-Hit bonus), versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the pulverizing raw power of rocks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rocks need to do more damage in d20 system, see my new stat block.

ERPPCs are underpowered in Clan Systems[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "LosTech PPC" bullshit that's going on in the Clan systems right now. ERPPCs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine ERPPC in Hesperus II for 300,000 C-Bills (that's about BV412) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even destroy an Assault Mech with my ERPPC.

Defiance Industries spend years working on a single ERPPC and add up to a million coils to produce the finest energy weapons known to mankind. ERPPCs are thrice as long-ranged as Inner Sphere ones and thrice as powerful for that matter too. Anything a PPC can cut through, a ERPPC can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a ERPPC could easily bisect a AS7-D wearing CASE with a simple CT critical.

Ever wonder why the freebirth scum never bothered conquering Clan Jade Falcon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Masakaris and their ERPPCs of destruction. Even in the Civil War, Inner Sphere soldiers targeted the mechs with the ERPPCs first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? ERPPCs are simply the best energy weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Clan systems. Here is the stat block I propose for ERPPCs:

(Clan Energy Weapon, Level 2) 40 Damage, Range 10/20/30/40, +2 to Hit at all ranges, 1 Heat

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of ERPPCs in real life, don't you think? tl;dr = ERPPCs need to do more damage on Clan Omnimechs, see my new stat block.

Zaku are underpowered in Universal Century[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Gundam" bullshit that's going on in the UC timeline right now. Zakus deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Zaku from Anaheim Electronics for 2,400,000 Earth Federation Credits (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even blow up slabs of solid Luna Titanium with my Zaku.

Zeonic engineers spend years working on a single Zaku and tune it up to a million times to produce the finest Mobile Suits known to mankind.

Zakus are thrice as fast as Feddie MSs and thrice as armored for that matter too. Anything a GM beam saber can cut through, a Zaku heat hawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Zaku could easily bisect a MSZ-006 Zeta Gundam with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Titans never bothered bossing Zeon around? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Zeonic MS pilots and their Zakus of destruction. Even in One Year War, Feddie pilots targeted the men in the Zakus first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Zakus are simply the best Mobile Suits that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Zakus:

(MS-06F Zaku II) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(MS-06F Zaku II Kai) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Zaku in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Zaku need to do more damage in UC, see my new stat block.

Valkyries are underpowered in Macross[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Nousjadeul-Ger" bullshit that's going on in Macrossverse right now. Valkyries deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine VF-1J Valkyrie on Earth for 2,400,000 UN$ (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sink a New Macross-class colonization ship in my Valkyrie.

UN Spacy engineers spend years working on a single Valkyrie and test-flight it up to a million times to produce the finest variable fighters known to mankind.

Valkyries are thrice as fast as Zentraedi battlesuits and their armor is thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Queadluun-Rea can fly through, a Valkyrie can fly through better. I'm pretty sure a Valkyrie pilot could easily gut a large-size Vajra with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Zentraedi tried conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their Valkyries of destruction. Even in Space War I, Zentraedi soldiers targeted the men in the Valkyries first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Valkyries are simply the best variable fighter that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Macrossverse. Here is the stat block I propose for Valkyries:

(VF-1J Valkyrie) Performance: Battroid Mode: maximum walking speed 160 km/h Fighter Mode: at 10,000 m Mach 2.71; at 30,000+ m Mach 3.87 GERWALK Mode: maximum walking speed 100 km/h; flying 500 km/h

(VF-1S Valkyrie) Performance: Battroid Mode: maximum walking speed 160 km/h Fighter Mode: at 10,000 m Mach 2.71; at 30,000+ m Mach 3.87 GERWALK Mode: maximum walking speed 100 km/h; flying 500 km/h

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Valkyries in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Valkyries need to do more damage in Macrossverse, see my new stat block.

Paleolithic Spear Drivers are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Javelin" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Paleolithic spear drivers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine rock from a museum for 2,400,000 Euros (2,300 000 fine for stealing, 1 99 950 euros for breaking windows, alarm system and other things and 50 for bribing a guy in prison so he would look the other way while I was picking up the soap) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash blocks of solid steel with my spear driver.

Paleolithic age hunters spend hours working on a single spear driver and cut it up to a million times to produce the deadliest wooden weapons known to mankind.

spear drivers are thrice as powerful as common javelins and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a javelin can smash through, a spear driver can break through better. I'm pretty sure such spear driver could easily break a knight wearing full plate in two with a throw.

Ever wonder why medieval Europeans never bothered conquering Paleolithic Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined hunters and their deadly spear drivers. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the spear drivers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? spear driversare simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rocks:

(Superior ranged Weapon)
2d12 base damage
+5 proficiency bonus
+3 universal familiarity bonus
High crit, off-hand, reach, spec. thrown (+5 To-Hit bonus), versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of raw power of Spear drivers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rocks need to do more damage in d20 system, see my new stat block.

River Tams are underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Summer Glau" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. River Tams deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine River Tam from a secret Alliance lab for 20,000 Cashey Money (10,000 platinum or 15,000 credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash solid Reavers with my River Tam.

Insane Alliance scientists spend months working on a single River Tam and mess with its dreams up to a million times to produce the deadliest psychic human weapons known to mankind.

River Tams are thrice as powerful as common Summer Glaus and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Summer Glau can smash through, a River Tam can break through better. I'm pretty sure such River Tam could easily break a Reaver Ship into component pieces given a few minutes and a Fruity Oaty Bar commercial.

Ever wonder why The Alliance never bothered conquering Serenity? That's right, they were too scared to fight the River Tam. Even in The Final Showdown, Reavers targeted the men with the River Tams first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? River Tams are simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for River Tams:

(Superior melee Weapon)
4d12 base damage
+20 psychic bonus
+10 universal hotness bonus
High crit, versatile, activatable by secret Alliance military code

Now that seems a lot more representative of raw power of River Tams in real life, don't you think?

Elves are underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "-2 Con, +2 Dex" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Elves deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Elf in the Undying Lands for 20,000 silmarils (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Elf.

Valar smiths spend years working on a single Elf and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest species known to mankind.

Elfs are thrice as sharp as dwarves and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a dwarf can cut through, a Elf can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an Elf could easily bisect a balrog wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Melkor never bothered conquering the Undying Lands? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Valar and their Elves of destruction. Even in the War of Wrath, Orc soldiers targeted the Elves first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Elves are simply the best race that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Elves:

+10 Str, +10 Dex, +10 Con, +10 Int, +10 wis, +10 Cha
Three bonus feats
Three extra skills per level, with 12 at level 1
Proficiency with all simple, martial and exotic weapons
+3 caster level for any arcane or divine casting class
Infinite Lifespan
Bonus Feats: Craft Wondrous Items, Craft Arms and Armour.
Craft, Knowledge and Perform are always class skills for elves.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Elves in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Elves need better stats in d20, see my new stat block.

Daiklaves are underpowered in Exalted[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Artifact Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the Storytelling system right now. Daiklaves deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine daiklave in the Blessed Isle for 2,400 Talents of Jade (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my daiklave.

Terrestrial smiths spend years working on a single daiklave and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Daiklaves are thrice as sharp as other swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a daiklave can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a daiklave could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Underworld never bothered conquering Creation? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Terrestrials and their daiklaves of destruction. Even in the Balorian Crusade, Fair Folk cataphractoi targeted the men with the daiklaves first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Daiklaves are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Storytelling system. Here is the stat block I propose for Daiklaves:

Speed 3, Accuracy +6, Damage +6L/4, Defence +4, Rate 3, Attune 6, Tags O,P,R

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Daiklaves in Creation, don't you think?

tl;dr = Daiklaves need to do more damage in Exalted, see my new stat block.

Mead is underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Honey Beer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Mead deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bottle of mead in Medieval Denmark for twelve wenches (that's about $12) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid XXXX with my mead.

Viking mead-smiths spend minutes working on a single tub of mead and ferment it up to a million times to produce the finest booze known to mankind.

Mead is thrice as alcoholic as Japanese Sake and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a sake drunk can cut through, a viking can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a viking could easily drink a knight wearing full plate under the table.

Ever wonder why Vikings never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too wasted on mead to fight the disciplined Samurai and their sake of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the mead first because they wanted to drink their mead.

So what am I saying? Mead is simply the best beverage that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for mead:

Mead: Ingested DC 32; Relaxation, talkative, likable; Pillaging

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of mead in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = mead needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

KILLER BEES are underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "diminutive insect" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. KILLER BEES deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine hive of KILLER BEES from the Demiplane of Killer Bees for 7,000gp (that's about 3,500ep) and have been fleeing for my life for almost 2 years now. I can't even hide behind slabs of solid steel, the KILLER BEES cut through them!

Queen bees spend years working on a single bee and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest KILLER BEES known to mankind. KILLER BEES are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, KILLER BEES can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a SWARM OF KILLER BEES could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical sting.

Ever wonder why beholders never bothered conquering the Prime Material Plane? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their KILLER BEES of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the KILLER BEES first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? KILLER BEES are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for KILLER BEES

Killer Bees. Medium insect swarm (Evil) Fly 200' (Perfect) Touch attack: 20d20 bee damage, fort save dc 35 vs extreme immobilizing pain AC 25 DR 10 Bees are ethereal, And they have evasion, and they have magic resistance, And can summon more bees, and they have magic resistance, Blind-fighting, and the buzzing sound they make causes confusion as per the spell, bees have fast healing too. and they do not know fear, if you cut one in half, it becomes two more bees, And if you cut off its head it grows two more firebreathing ones, killer bees have free movement and can survive the vacuum of space, Bees are permanently hasted, And not underpowered 3rd ed Haste. Bees have 2nd ed Haste, Except they're immune to the effects of aging, and they slow their victims on a successful attack, And bee damage over comes damage reducation as a silver/cold iron/magic/evil/good/lawful/chaotic/epic weapon, Trolls can't regenerate bee damage either. Did i mention they are keen as well? And their stings are vorpal Even though they're piercing weapons. That's how bad ass they are..And those aren`t even the dire bees.

The Queen bee can gate in more bees from the plane of bees, And once per day can summon a greater bee elemental, or 2d6 lesser bee elementals. And can cast Wall of Bees.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of KILLER BEES in real life, don't you think?

The only reason the tarrasque exists is to keep bee numbers down.

tl;dr = KILLER BEES need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Banshees are underpowered in Fanwank[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Farseer Fanwank" bullshit that's going on in /tg/ right now. Howling Banshees deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself won a Howling Banshee's heart in Ulthwe with a beautiful bouquet of roses (that's about 400 thrones) and have been dating her for almost 2 years now. I can even make Daemonettes jealous with my banshee.

Banshee Exarches spend years working on a single banshee and make her work out a million times to produce the finest ass known to mankind. Banshees are thrice as sexy as Farseers and thrice as horny for that matter too. Anyone a Farseer can make turn heads, a banshee can make heads follow better. I'm pretty sure a banshee could easily seduce an Astartes wearing Terminator Armor with a simple giggling chuckle.

Ever wonder why Relic never bothered promoting Banshee lead characters? That's right, they were too scared to show off the perfect sex icon and their perfect tits and ass. Even in Dawn of war 2, Howling Banshees didn't get that much attention, otherwise all the players would be staring at them too much and never complete the game.

So what am I saying? Banshees are simply the best Eldar to commit xenos love heresy with, and thus, require more sexy artwork in /tg/. Here are fap thoughts I propose for Banshees:

(Shower Sardines) Banshees try to fit into a single shower as much as possible, with their Exarch fitting in last, naked

(Pillow Fight) Said Banshees playfully attack each other with pillows in their underwear, and the Exarch tries to wrestle their panties off

Now that seems a lot more representative of the sexy image of Banshees in our minds, don't you think?

tl;dr = Banshees need more attention on /tg/, see my new fap thoughts.

Elven Bread is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bread" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Elven bread deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine elven bread in the Elven Forest for 2,400,000 pieces of bark (that's about 20,000 gp) and have been eating it for almost 2 years now. I can even feed a dwarf with my elven bread.

Elven bakers spend years working on a single elven bread and bake it up to a million times to produce the finest bread known to mankind.

Elven bread is thrice as tasty as human bread and thrice as nutritive for that matter too. Anything a human bread can feed, an elven bread can feed better. I'm pretty sure an elven bread could easily feed a knight wearing full plate with a simple loaf.

Ever wonder why the Human Kingdom never bothered conquering the Elven Forest? That's right, they were bribed by the disciplined Breadmasters and their elven breads of deliciousness. Even in the Second Great War, dwarf soldiers targeted the men with the elven bread first because they couldn't resist the smell.

So what am I saying? Elven bread is simply the best bread that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for elven bread:

1 lb elven bread (20 daily rations) +20 deliciousness +20 saves against poison and disease for a day

Now that seems a lot more representative of the feeding power of elven bread in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Elven bread needs to be tastier in d20, see my new stat block.

Babylon 5 is underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork O'Neill Colony" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Babylon 5 deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Babylon station in Epsilon Eridani for 2,400,000,000,000,000 credits (that's about $2 quintillion) and have been practicing with it for almost 3 years now. I can even cut Centauri battlecruisers with my defense grid.

Human construction crews spend years working on a single Babylon station and rebuild it up to four times to produce the finest space stations known to mankind.

Babylon stations are thrice as advanced as normal O'Neill colonies and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a normal energy weapon can cut through, a Babylon station's defense grid can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Babylon 5 could easily bisect a Shadow vessel with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Minbari never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Humans and their Babylon Project of destruction. Even in the Shadow War, the Shadows and their allies targeted the Babylon stations first because their firepower was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Babylon 5 is simply a dream given form, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Babylon 5:

Heavy Pulse Cannon, Attack +9, Damage 200+5d10, Critical 17-20, Range 9 Counts as Masterwork
Two quad-linked Particle Beams, Attack +6, Damage 80+4d10, Critical 17-20, Range 7 Counts as Masterwork
Eight Particle Beams, Attack +5, Damage 30+3d10, Critical 17-20, Range 5 Counts as Masterwork
Four Mk I Interceptors, Attack +9, Damage 50+5d10, Critical 17-20, Range 3, Rapid Fire Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of Babylon stations in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Babylon 5 needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Masterwork Bastard Sword copypasta is underpowered in 4chan[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "stale old copypasta" bullshit that's going on in 4chan right now. Masterwork Bastard Sword copypasta deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself wrote a genuine copypasta edit in /tg/ after 250 posts (that's about 3 days on the board) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make cynical 4chan nerds rage with my copypasta.

4chan trolls spend years working on a single copypasta and repost it up to a million times to produce the finest greentext known to mankind.

Masterwork Bastard Sword threads are thrice as long as Flare threads and thrice as annoying for that matter too. Any thread furries can ruin, a Masterwork Bastard Sword edit can ruin better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword pasta could easily bisect a 3.5E versus 4E thread with a simple sage.

Ever wonder why moderators never deleted any Masterwork Bastard Sword thread? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined trolls and their copypasta of destruction. Even when /tg/ was good, Anonymous saged the threads with the bastard sword copypasta first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Masterwork Bastard Sword is simply the best copypasta that 4chan has ever seen, and thus, require better recognition on 4chan. Here is the stat block I propose:

(Masterwork Copypasta) All trolls on the thread get +5 to rage checks, thread cannot be saged.

tl;dr = Bastard Sword pasta needs to be more effective on 4chan, see my new stat block.

Chainsaws are underpowered in horror movies[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Jason" bullshit that's going on in horror movies right now. Chainsaws deserve much better than this. Much, much better than this.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine chainsaw at the hardware store for $150 Australian (that's about $250 American) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I even got paid well starring as a B-movie serial killer with my chainsaw.

Automated factory machines spend days manufacturing a single chainsaw component and assembling millions of it together to produce the finest logging tool known to mankind.

Chainsaws are thrice as choppy as machetes and thrice as fun for that matter too. Any helpless teenager a machete can chop in half, a chainsaw can saw in half better. I'm pretty sure a chainsaw could easily seal the fate of any helpless teenager with a simple slow stroll.

Ever wonder why helpless teenagers never survive a horror movie? Because it would ruin the plot. But even if it didn't, they would be too scared to fight Leatherface and his chainsaw of destruction. Even when the helpless teenagers had meat cleavers and a van, they'd run away screaming from Leatherface anyway because his chainsawing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Chainsaws are simply the best murder weapon that horror movies have ever seen, and thus, require better chopping power. Here is the stat block I propose:

(Masterwork Murder Weapon) Automatically hits teenagers, even in vans; grants automatic R-18+ rating.

tl;dr = Chainsaws needs to be more effective in horror movies, see my new stat block.

Big Daddies are Underpowered in Bioshock 2[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Prototype Plasmid Subject" bullshit that's going on in the Bioshock universe right now. Big Daddies deserve much better than that. Much, much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Big Daddy in Rapture for 2,400 Dollars (that's about Y20,000,000,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Big Daddy.

Andrew Ryan's smiths spend years working on a single Big Daddy and fold it up to a tousand times (potato, leprechaun) to produce the finest Big Daddies known to mankind.

Big Daddies are thrice as sharp as Those KGB Wolves or CIA Jackals and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a KGB Wolf or CIA Jackal can cut through, a Rivet Gun or Big Daddy Drill can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Big Daddy's Drill could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Red Soviet Union never bothered conquering Rapture? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Big Daddies and their Little Sisters of destruction. Even in Bioshock I, PC Gamers targeted the Big Daddies first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Big Daddies are simply the best sword that Rapture has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Bioshock II. Here is the stat block I propose for Big Daddies:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Big Daddies in real life, don't you think?

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Chouginga-Gurren Lagann" bullshit that's going right now. Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in the Anti-spiral alter universe for 2,400,000 Spiral Energy Power Levels (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even throw galaxies to cut through solid steel.

Spirals spend monthss working on a single Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and see up to a million invisibles to produce the finest form of ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWA known to Spirals.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is thrice times huger then Chouginga Gurren Lagann and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Chouginga Gurren Lagann can break through, a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann can break through better. I'm pretty sure you could easily break through the heavens and dimensions in a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.

Ever wonder why Anti Spirals never bothered conquering the heavens and dimensions? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and their giant mecha with sunglasses of destruction. Even in World War II, Anti-spiral soldiers targeted the Giant Mecha first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann will tear through the heavens and dimensions and show you there path through force, Who the hell do you think they are?

Bacon is underpowered in D20[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Rations” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Bacon deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine helping of bacon in the American South for 10 dollars, plus tax (that’s about $10.50) and have been eatin bacon steadily for almost 2 years now. I can even belch clouds of bacon-bits after dinner.

Cooks spend years working on a single strip of bacon and fry it up to a million times to produce the finest pork product known to mankind.

Bacon strips are thrice as tasty as Canadian bacon and thrice as savory for that matter too. Any stomach a slice of ham can fill up, a strip of bacon can fill up better. I’m pretty sure a slice of bacon could easily tame the hunger of a sumo wrestler during a breakfast meal.

Ever wonder why European cooks never have shows in America? That’s right, they were too scared to try and cook a slice of bacon, fearing its subtle flavors. Even in World War II, Axis soldiers targeted American soldiers with food supplies first because their packages of bacon were highly valued and superbly fulfilling. And they were hungry.

So what am I saying? Bacon is simply the best food that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bacon:

(One-Handed Exotic Foodstuff)

1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to deliciousness Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Foodstuff)

2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to deliciousness Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the delicious power of Bacon in real life, don’t you think?

Carp are underpowered in Dorf Fortress[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "benign fish" bullshit that's going on in DF right now. Carp deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine carp in Mountainhome for 2,400,000 Dorfbucks (that's about 20 dorfs) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can devour entire sieges with my carp.

Armok spends years working on a single carp and folds it up to a million times to produce the most aggressive fish known to mankind.

Carp are thrice as fast as European fish and thrice as mean for that matter too. Anything a pike can bite through, a carp can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a carp could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical chomp.

Ever wonder why the kobolds never bothered conquering Mountainhome? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined dorfs and their carp of destruction. Even during the siege, goblin soldiers targeted the carp first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Carp are simply the meanest fish that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in DF. Here is the stat block I propose for carp:

[CREATURE:FISH_CARP]
[NAME:carp:carp:carp]
[TILE:224][COLOR:3:0:0]
[LARGE_ROAMING]
[AQUATIC][UNDERSWIM][IMMOBILE_LAND]
[MODVALUE:3]
[GENPOWER:3]
[PREFSTRING:fearsome bite]
[ALL_ACTIVE]
[POPULATION_NUMBER:15:30]
[CLUSTER_NUMBER:5:10]
[BENIGN][MEANDERER][NATURAL]
[PETVALUE:50]
[NOPAIN][NOFEAR][NOEMOTION]
[BODY:BASIC_2PARTBODY:BASIC_HEAD:SIDE_FINS:DORSAL_FIN:TAIL:2EYES:HEART:GUTS:ORGANS:NECK:SPINE:BRAIN:MOUTH]
[ATTACK:MAIN:BYTYPE:MOUTH:bite:bites:1:20:GORE][ATTACKFLAG_CANLATCH]
[ATTACK:SECOND:BYTOKEN:TAIL:slap:slaps:1:2:BLUDGEON][ATTACKFLAG_WITH]
[SIZE:3]
[MAXAGE:20:30]
[NO_DRINK]
[CHILD:1][CHILDNAME:carp fry:carp fry]
[FAT:1]
[BIOME:RIVER_TEMPERATE_FRESHWATER]
[BIOME:RIVER_TROPICAL_FRESHWATER]
[BIOME:LAKE_TEMPERATE_FRESHWATER]
[BIOME:LAKE_TROPICAL_FRESHWATER]
[STANDARD_FLESH]
[HOMEOTHERM:10067]
[SWIMS_INNATE][SWIM_SPEED:500]
[SPHERE:WAR]
[SPHERE:DEATH]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of carp in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Carp need to do more damage in DF, see my new stat block.

Kobolds are misrepresented in Dwarf Fort threads[edit]

I'm sick of all this "shitty fighter" bullshit that's going on in this thread. Kobolds deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine long copper dagger in Fligbiglem for 400☼ (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost a month now. I can even cut leather with my dagger.

Kobold smiths spend weeks working on a single dagger and smack it with a hammer up to fifteen times to produce the finest blades known to koboldkind.

Penises are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Clitoris" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Penises deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine penis from Dr. Robotnik for 6,000,000,000 Mobiums (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my penis.

Y-chromosomes spend 9 months working on a single penis and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest sex organs known to mankind.

Penises are at least two inches longer than most clitorises and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a clitoris can cut through, a penis can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a penis could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cockslap.

Ever wonder why the Amazons never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Weeaboos and their penises of virginity. Even today, Amazons target the men with the penises first because their raping power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Penises are simply the best sex organ that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for penises:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork Rape

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork Rape

Now that seems a lot more representative of the fucking power of penises in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = penises need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Fleet Carriers are Underpowered in AstroEmpires[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "double production cost death star" bullshit that's going on in AE right now. Fleet carriers deserve much better than that. much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a fleet of 400 genuine fleet carriers in Corellia(AXX:XX:XX:XX) for 1,000,000 credits (that's about a year's worth of pillages) and have been practicing with it for almost 1 year now. I can even cut through waves of fighter meatshield with ease.

Corellian shipyards spend 5 hours working on a single fleet carrier and test it up to a million times to produce the finest carriers known to mankind.

Fleet carriers carry 7 times units as regular carriers and are just 5 times as expensive for that matter too. Anything a carrier can carry, a fleet carriers can carry better. Im pretty sure a fleet carriers could easily vaporise a knight wearing full plate with a simple ion blast.

Ever wonder why the Emperor never bothered conquering Corellia? that's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Han Solo and his fleet carriers of destruction. Even in server wars nubs target the fleet carriers first because their carrying power is feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fleet carriers are simply the best carriers that AE has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the game. Here is the stats I propose for fleet carriers :

cost : 2000 credits drive : warp weapon : plasma power : 96 armor : 96 shield : 8 hangar : 500 speed : 3

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of fleet carriers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fleet carriers need to do more damage, see my new stat block.

Kobolds are overpowered in the D20 system[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "1/4 CR Kobold" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Kobolds deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine kobold tribe in The East Hills for 1 very shiny cp (that's about $1 DM bribe) and they have been following me for almost 2 years now. Even slabs of solid steel can easily cleave my kobolds. Kobolds spend years working on being useless and fold their bedcloths up to a million times to produce the most useless creature known to mankind. Kobolds are thrice as weak as European people and thrice as soft for that matter too. Anything that has any edge or solidity, a kobold can die from better. I'm pretty sure a kobold army could easily be bisected by a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Kobold tribes? That's right, the kobolds were too useless to fight off the disciplined soldiers and their scary objects of cleaving. Even in World War II, American soldiers didn't target the kobolds because they were considered a waste of ammunition and their fodderism was unfeared and unrespected.

So what am I saying? Kobolds are simply the most useless creature the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for kobolds:

CR: 1/8 Hit die: 1d4(2 hp) Initiative: +1 Speed: 20 ft. Armor Class: 12 Base Attack/Grapple: -2/-6 Attack: Stick -1 melee (1d3) or rock +0 ranged (1d3)

Now that seems a lot more representative of the failing power of Kobolds in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Kobolds need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Nuclear Weapons are Underpowered in the d20 system[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mutually Assured Destruction" bullshit in EVERYTHING that's going on in the d20 system right now. Nukes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself build 1 megaton nuclear weapons in my toolshop for $500,000 each (That's about 500,000 US dollars) that I've had for 2 years now. Even solid slabs of steel were vaporized by my test nuke.

Nuclear weapons are fuelled by the best Uranium in the United States and send their by-products into other Uranium atoms million of times to produce the most powerful weapon known to mankind.

Nuclear Weapons are thrice as powerful as a Fuel Air Explosive (FAE) and thrice as cheap than a FAE for that matter too. Anything that can be blown up by a FAE a nuke could do better. I'm pretty sure a nuke can vaporise a ARMY of knights wearing full plate with a single vertical drop.

Ever wonder why the Soviet Union never invaded Europe? That's right, the Soviets were too scared of the capitalist Americans and their red button of annihilation. Even in the Cold War, Soviet missile silos were ordered to destroy American nukes first because their damage is feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nukes are simply the most powerful weapon ever the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for nuclear weapons:

(Weapon of Mass Destruction) 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Damage. Area Of Effect 2000 sq. ft Counts as Instant Victory.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the awesomeness of nukes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nukes need to be in d20, see my new stat block.

3.5e is underpowered in the D&D System[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dungeons & Dragons: Fourth Edition" bullshit that's going on in the D&D fanbase right now. 3.5e deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of the Player's Handbook from Wizards of the Coast for $34.95 (that's about $35) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can kill tarrasques while flying high enough with my Wizard.

WOTC spend years working on a single edition and play test it up to a million times to produce the finest RPGs known to man.

3.5e is thrice as fun as 4e and thrice as balanced for that matter too. Anything game a 4e player can play, a 3.5e player can enjoy better. I'm pretty sure 3.5e could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why 4e players never bothered defending their edition? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined 3.5e players and their Edition of destruction. Even in 2008, 4e players targeted the 3.5e players with their cookie-cutter powers that do 1[W] + Ability Modifier damage and slide or apply effects first because the 3.5e Druid's killing power was so respected.

So what am I saying? 3.5e is simply the best Edition that Dungeons & Dragons has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for 3.5e:

(One-Handed Exotic Edition) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Edition) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of Dungeons & Dragons 3.5e in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = 3.5e needs more players in D&D, see my new stat block.

Dreadnoughts are Underpowered in Sword of The Stars[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Destroyer" bullshit that's going on in Sword of The Stars right now. Dreadnoughts deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Dreadnought in Arcadia for 2,400,000 Credits (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 turns now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Dreadnought.

Hiver smiths spend years working on a single Dreadnought and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest ships known in the galaxy.

Dreadnoughts are thrice as powerful as Destroyers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Destroyer can cut through, a Dreadnought can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Dreadnought could easily bisect a Zuul Homeworld with a simple vertical beam.

Ever wonder why Humans never bothered conquering Hivers? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Warrior Caste and their Dreadnoughts of destruction. Even in the tutorial, Human soldiers targeted the fleets with the Dreadnoughts first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Dreadnoughts are simply the best ship that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Sword of The Stars. Here is the stat block I propose for Dreadnoughts:

1300000 Savings cost 20000 Construction cost 132700 Armor 235000 Mass 50.0 Range 3.0 Speed 180.0 Tactical speed 40.0 Turning speed

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of Dreadnoughts in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Dreadnoughts need to do more damage in Sword of The Stars, see my new stat block.

M-16's are Underpowered in the d20 system[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mattel Toy" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. M-16's deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a M-16 at a gun show for $1,350 (That's about 1100 5.56x45mm rounds) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. Even solid slabs of steel are perforated by my M-16.

M-16's are built from the best composits and aliumnium and forged up to a million times to produce the best rifle known to mankind.

M-16's are thrice as powerful than AK-74's and thrice as accruate too. Anything that can be shot by a AK-74 an M-16 can do better. I'm pretty sure a M-16 can penetrate through a knight wearing full plate with just a single trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the Soviets never invaded the United States? That's right thay were too scared of the U.S. soldiers and their Black Rifles. Even in the Vietnam War the North Vietnamese targeted the soldiers with M-16's first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? M-16's are simply the best rifle the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for M-16's.

Cost $950

Rate of fire 900 rounds per minute

Magazine size 20,30 or 100 rounds

range 440 yards

bullet speed 3,282 feet per second

Weight 7.2 pounds

bullet 5.56x45mm M855 Light Armor Piercing (Ignores armor saves and tumbles causing incapation wounds)

Now thats seems a lot more representive of the firepower of the M-16 in real life don't you think?

tl;dl = M-16 need to do more damage in the d20 system, see my new stat block.

Polarbears are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bear" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Polarbears deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine polarbear in Stockholm for 42 crowns (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my polarbear.

Inuits spend weeks working on a single polarbear and sharpen the claws up to a dozen times to produce the finest bears known to mankind.

Polerbears are thrice as sharp as american bears and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a bear can cut through, a polarbear can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a polarbear could easily bisect a walruss wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why penguins never bothered conquering the north pole? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined polarbears and their claws of destruction. Even in Happy feet, Penguins targeted the polarbears first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? polarbears are simply the best bears that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for polarbears and polarbear cavalry:

(Exotic Large Animal) Str 24, Dex 9, Con 23, Int 1, Wis 12, Cha 2 Counts as Masterwork

(Exotic Large Mount) Str 24, Dex 9, Con 23, Int 1, Wis 12, Cha 2 Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of polarbear in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Polarbears need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Vuvuzelas are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Poor-Quality Trumpet" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Vuvuzelas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Vuvuzela in South Africa for 2,400,000 Rands (that's about $316800) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even scare deaf people with my vuvuzela.

South African factory workers spend seconds working on a single vuvuzela and make up to a million in each mold to produce the finest instruments known to mankind.

Vuvuzelas are thrice as tuned as European violins and thrice as loud for that matter too. Anything a violin can play, a vuvuzela can play better. I'm pretty sure a vuvzela could easily play the entire 1812 Overture with a simple long breath.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe's composers never bothered conquering South Africa? That's right, they were too scared to face the disciplined South Africans and their vuvuzelas of musical perfection. Even in World War II, American soldiers listened to the music with the vuvuzelas first because their inspirational power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Vuvuzelas are simply the best instrument that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for vuvuzelas:

(Instrument : Perform (Wind Instruments)) +5 to Perform (Wind Instrument) checks when using the vuvuzela, and a +2 untyped bonus to all other performers in a group with the vuvuzela. +2 to any Bardic or Virtuoso Music bonuses when playing the vuvuzela. Double the range and duration of Bardic and Virtuoso music when playing the vuvuzela. Bardic and Virtuoso music may be maintained as a swift action with a vuvuzela. Grants 4 extra bardic music uses per day (as the Extra Music feat). Counts as Masterwork

Deafening Blast Swift Action 2d12 Sonic Damage in a 120 cone, Reflex save half. (DC is equal to a perform check made when using this ability) 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to reflex save DC and damage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deafening power of vuvuzelas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Vuvuzelas need to be louder in d20, see my new stat block.

The EMPRAH is Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dead Psyker" bullshit that's going on in 40k right now. The EMPRAH deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine EMPRAH on terra for 100,000,000,000,000 Inocent souls (that's about $200) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even fry slabs of solid steel with my EMPRAH.

Terran psykers spend millennia working on a single EMPRAH and die up to a million times to produce the finest leader known to mankind.

The EMPRAH are thrice as sharp as chaos and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Heretic can cut through, the EMPRAH can cut through better. I'm pretty sure the EMPRAH could easily anihalate a chaos lord wearing terminator armor using only mind bullets.

Ever wonder why Hurlon never bothered conquering Medieval Europe? That's right, he were too scared to fight the disciplined EMPRAH of destruction. Even in The siege of terra, Horrus targeted the EMPRAH last because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The EMPRAH are simply the best psyker that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for the EMPRAH:

The EMPRAH ws:9001 bs:7 s:40 t:40 w:8 i:5 a:20 ld:14 sv:2+/1+* Eternal warrior, Mind war, The horror, mind bullets, psychic monstrosity, power hammer and invunruble save.


Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of the EMPRAH in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = the God Emperor of Mankind need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Slabs of Solid Steel are Underpowered in the Katana Meme[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "can even cut slabs of solid steel" bullshit that's going on in this meme. Slabs of Solid Steel deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Slab of Solid Steel in a Blast Furnace for $20 (that's about $20) and have been working on it for almost 2 years now. I can even brainwash people who talk nonsense about Slab of Solid Steel with my educated knowledge.

Migrant workers spend years working on a single slab of steel and add carbon and nickel to produce the finest slabs of metal known to all lifeforms.

Slabs of steel are thrice as durable as slabs of pig iron and thrice as workable for that matter too. Anything a blacksmith can make with a slab of pig iron, he can make better with a slab of steel. I'm pretty sure a slab of steel could violently shatter a katana and its wielder to fine dust by simply obeying laws of physics.

Ever wonder why every high-quality product is made out of steel? That's right, steel is the best material in the universe, period. Even in Napoleonic Wars, Napoleon conquered Europe as an excuse to give his nation more steel because he knew its durability and workability were highly desired and sought-after.

So what am I saying? Slabs of Solid Steel are simply the best Slabs of Anything the universe has ever had, and thus, require better treatment in memes. Here is the stat block I propose for Slabs of Solid Steel:

Slab of Solid Steel:

  • Bisects anything trying to cut it.
  • Vaporizes anything trying to destroy it.
  • Bans any user trying to downplay it.

That's it, plain and simple.


Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Slabs of Solid Steel in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Slabs of Solid Steel need to receive less damage in memes, see my new stat block.

Dragonslayers are underpowered in d20[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Bastard Sword” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Dragonslayers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Dragonslayer in a magical grimdark version of late medieval Italy for 600 innocents' souls (that’s about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Apostles with my Dragonslayer.

Magical grimdark Italian smiths spend years working on a single Dragonslayer and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to Midland.

Dragonslayers are thrice as dull as European longswords and thrice as massive for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a Dragonslayer will smash into tiny pieces. I’m pretty sure a Dragonslayer could easily vivisect a hundred trolls raping cultists with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering magical grimdark medieval Europe? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined survivors of childhood rape and their Dragonslayers of destruction. Even in the Golden Age, Purple Rhino Knights targeted the men with the Dragonslayers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Dragonslayers are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Dragonslayers:

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

8d8 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Every swing creates an AOE arc 10' in front and to the sides of the wielder, rolling to hit for each ally/enemy in the AOE.

Swarms of tiny or smaller creatures caught in the AOE are instantly killed, automatic hit, no chance to dodge or save.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Dragonslayers in real life, don’t you think?

Hitler is underpowered in M&M[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Power Level 5 supporting character" bullshit that's going on in the Mutants and Masterminds system right now. Der Führer deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Hitler in Austria for 2,400,000 Schilling (that's about $240,000) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even take over democratic slabs of solid steel with my Hitler. Austrian Catholics spend years working on a single Hitler and reject him from art academies up to two times to produce the most hateful tyrants known to mankind.

Hitler is thrice as charismatic as superpowered dictators and thrice as insane for that matter too. Anything Doctor Doom can subjugate, Hitler can subjugate better. I'm pretty sure Hitler could easily break through the Maginot line with a simple command to the freshly conscripted peasants. Ever wonder why World War II neutral countries never bothered declaring war against Nazi Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Nazi armies and their Führer of destruction. Even In Present Day, History Channel praised Hitler the most because his leadership was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Hitler is simply the best dictator the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the M&M system. Here are the stat block changes I propose for Hitler:

Charisma 42, Diplomacy 40, Perform(Oratory) X, Inspire 10

Now that seems a lot more representative of the seductive power of Hitler in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Hitler needs to seduce more populations in M&M, see my stat block changes.

Claymores are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Greatsword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Claymores deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Claymore in Scotland for 325 pounds(that's about $500) and have been practicing with it for almost 5 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Claymore.

Scottish smiths spend years practicing on thousands of inferior blades so that when they forge a claymore for the first time it is nothing less than the most magnificent blade they could produce.

Claymores are thrice as sharp as Greatswords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a greatsword can cut through, a Claymore can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Claymore could easily behead a dozen enemies wearing neckguards with a single horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval England never bothered reclaiming Scotland after Robert the Bruce took over? That's right, they were too scared to fight the ultra-manly Scotsmen and their Claymores of Decapitation. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the Claymores first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Claymores are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Claymores:

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d12 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork A Claymore has reach, so you can strike opponents 10 feet away with it. In addition, unlike most other weapons with reach, it can be used against an adjacent foe.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Claymores in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Claymores need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Asbestos is underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "asbestos" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Absbestos deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself worked in Absbestos mines in Canada for 1440$can a week (that's about $750us) and have been mining with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid Absbestos.

Canadian smiths spend years working on a Absbestos and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest Absbestos composite known to mankind. Even the N.A.S.A. can't launch vessel into space without fireproof Absbestos fiber. Remember Columbia? It's was made with composite component, not asbestos and it explode!

Absbestos are feared as far as Europe and as hard for that matter too. Anything a nuke can hurt through, Absbestos can hurt through better. I'm pretty sure a Absbestos could easily intoxicate a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical breath.

Ever wonder why Europe never bothered about Absbestos? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Canadian and their Absbestos of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the building with the Absbestos first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Absbestos are simply the best poison that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Absbestos:

(thrown weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Armour) immune to heat & fire damage
10 Damage radius/round
fortitude save difficulty 30
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Absbestos in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Absbestos need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Japs are underpowered in d20[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Human” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Japanese deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself adopted two genuine Japanese children for 2,400,000 Yen (that’s about $20,000) and have been raising them for almost 2 years now. I can even master parenting with their words of wisdom.

Japanese parents spend decades working on a single child and fuck it up to a million times to produce the finest race known to mankind.

Japanese men are twice as able as European men and thrice as intelligent for that matter too. Anything an American can do, a Japanese can do better. I’m pretty sure a B-list anime could easily outsell a masterpiece Disney cartoon with a simple Nipponese ingenuity.

Ever wonder why Mongol Empire never bothered conquering Japan? That’s right, they were too resigned to compete against the great Japanese and their achievements of awe-inspiration. Even in World War II, American nukes flew to Japan in jealousy because their superiority was envied and looked up to.

So what am I saying? Japanese are simply the best race of humans that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Japanese:

(Male) +2 Str, +8 Dex, +4 Con, +6 Int, +4 Wis, +2 Cha
(Female) +6 Dex, +0 Con, +4 Int, +6 Wis, +6 Cha

Now that seems a lot more representative of the superiority of Japanese in real life, don’t you think? tl;dr = Japanese need better stats in d20, see my new stat block.

Horse Pussy is Underrated in the /a/'s Monster Girl Generals[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Wonderful Snake Cloaca" bullshit that's going on in Monstergirl threads right now. Horse pussy deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine horse sex doll in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even spend an entire day with my horse pussy.

Horses spend years developing a single vagina and flex it up to a million times to produce the tightest orifices known to mankind. Horse vaginas are thrice as tight as llama vaginas and make me thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a snake can pleasure, a horse pussy can make feel better. I'm pretty sure a mare could easily turn a straight man to bestiality with a single kegel flex.

Ever wonder why 18th Century Europe never bothered colonizing the whole world? That's right, they were too busy fucking their horses. Even during the Spanish Conquest of Americas, Native Americans targeted Conquistadores with mares first because their pleasuring potential was incredibly satisfying and undeniably matchless.

So what am I saying? Horses have simply the best vaginas that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Horse pussies:

(Natural Weapon)

3d12 pleasure

19-20 x4 Sperm

+5 to ejaculation

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of mares in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Horse pussy is awesome, see my new stat block.

Necron Warriors are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Overpriced Space Marine" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Necron Warriors deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Necron Warrior from a tomb world for 2.4 inhabited planets (that's about 20,000 war crimes) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even rip slabs of solid steel apart with my Necron Warrior.

C'Tan spent years working on the Necrontyr race and let Necrons reform innumerable times to produce the finest troops known to universe.

Necron Warriors are millions of times as old as Eldar Dire Avengers and billions of times as metal for that matter too. Anything an Avenger shuriken catapult can shoot through, a gauss flayer can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a Necron Warrior could easily bisect a Space Marine wearing Terminator Armor with a simple unarmed chop.

Ever wonder why pre-Chaos Old Ones never bothered conquering the Necrons? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined C'Tan and their Necron Warriors of destruction. Even in the grim darkness of the far future, all other races target the Necron Warriors first because their killing power is still feared and respected. And to get the Phase Out rule to kick in quicker.

So what am I saying? Necron Warriors are simply the best Troops choice that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Necron Warriors:

Necron Warriors Pts/Model:17 WS:4 BS:4 S:4 T:4 W:1 I:2 A:1 Ld:10 Sv:3+
Number/Squad: 5-30
Weapons: Gauss Flayer (counts as a Gauss close combat weapon)

Special Rules:
Living Metal (Additional Necron special rule). Ignore armour saves equal or greater than the model's own in close combat. Necron. Necrons follow all the usual rules for Necrons as presented in the Codex, except that they count as half for calculating the phase-out limit. Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of Necron Warriors in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Necron Warriors need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Spehss Marheens are underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Heresy" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Spehss Marheens deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Spehss From the Emprah for 30,000,000 psyker souls (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Spehss Marheen.

The Spehss Marheen Chapters spend years working on a single Spehss Marheen Scout and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest Spehss Marheens known to mankind.

Spehss Marheens are thrice as sharp as Chaos marine and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Chaos Marine can cut through, a Spehss Mahreen can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Spehss Marheen could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Spehss Marheens and their Speech Inpidiments of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with Spehss Marheens first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Spess Marheens are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Spehss Marheens:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Spehss Marheens in real life, don't you think?

Nicholas Cage is underpowered in movies[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Social Networking" bullshit that's been going on in the movie industry right now. Nicholas Cage deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine Nicholas Cage movie in Family Video for $2.40 (that's about a week's allowance) and have been watching it for almost two years now. I can even start a bag of popcorn before my movie even starts now.

Hollywood producers go through through thousands of actors and go with the first take up to a million times to produce some of the most mediocre movies known to mankind.

Nicholas Cage is thrice as bizzare as Keanu Reeves and thrice as recognisable for that matter. Anything Keanu Reeves could act, Nicholas Cage could blow out of proportion better. I'm pretty sure Nicholas could easily ruin a perfectly good movie with a simple shitty one-liner.

So what am I saying? Nicholas Cage is simply the most mediocre movie actor the world has ever seen, and thus requires better stats in the D20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Nicholas Cage:

-Nicholas Cage: Instantly downgrade your movie to "B-grade". Include no less than 5 awful one-liners. Must be co-starring with "Special Effects".

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Nicholas Cage in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nicholas Cage needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Tsunamis are underpowered[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Earthquake" bullshit that's going on in the Japan right now. Tsunamis deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself have purchased a genuine Tsunami in Japan for 10$ (that's about $10,00) and have been watching it for almost 2 years now. I can even crush entire Japanese cities with my tsunami.

Poiseidon spend years working on a single tsunami and creates up to a million pounds if kinetic energy to produce the best Wave known to mankind.

Tsunamis are thrice as destructive as European Plauges and Earthquakes and thrice as wet for that matter too. Anything a earthquake can destroy a tsunami can obliterate better. I'm pretty sure a tsunami could easily rust over a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical splash.

Ever wonder why Americans never occupied japan. Because they were too scared of the Japaneses Tsunamis of destruction. Even in WW2 American soldiers said "Fuck this wave shit" Because the their killing power was feared and respected

So what am I saying? Tsunamis are simply the best waves that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for tsunamis: (splash damage)

Destroys everything.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of tsunamis in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = tsunamis need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Hulk Hogans are Underpowered in d20[edit]

Well you know something Mean Gene, I'm sick of all this "Masterwork John Cena" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Hulk Hogans deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Hulk Hogan in Florida for $10,000,000 (that's about $10,000,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Hulk Hogan's 24-inch Pythons.

American wrestling promoters spend years working on a single Hulk Hogan and give it up to a million title belts to produce the finest wrestlers known to Mankind - or Cactus Jack or whatever the hell he's going by these days.

Hulk Hogans are thrice as tanned as Japanese wrestlers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Any move the Great Sasuke can do, a Hulk Hogan can fail to do better. I'm pretty sure a Hulk Hogan could easily bisect a Daniel Bryan wearing wrestling trunks with a simple big boot to the face and a Legdrop of Doom.

Ever wonder why Japanese wrestlers never made it in America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Hulk Hogans and their 24-inch Pythons of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the Hulk Hogans first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Hulk Hogans are simply the best wrestlers that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Hulk Hogans:

(American Made) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(nWo Hollywood) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Hulk Hogans in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Hulk Hogans need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block. And whatcha gonna do, BROTHER!?

I am Underpowered in d20![edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Average Guy" bullshit that's going on in d20 now. I deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself was commissioned in America for $25.00 (that's about the cost of two Denny's Grandslams and a six-pack of wine coolers) and have been practicing my swagger for over 20 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid ground beef with my swagger.

I have spent years working on my swagger and have accrued a million experience points, creating the finest guy known to mankind.

I am thrice as sharp as any European guy and thrice as long for that matter too (c'mon, you didn't think I'd go to all this trouble and not claim to have a giant member). Anything a European guy's swagger can cut through, an American guy's swagger can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an American guy could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash. Bare-handed.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined American guys and their swagger of destruction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the Americans with swagger first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Swagger is simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Swagger:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +Cha to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +Cha+2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the bangin' power of swagger in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Swagger needs more respect and needs to get me laid more, see my new stat block.

Nerfs are Underpowered in Mass Effect 3[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Toning Down" Crap that's going on in Mass Effect 3 right now. Nerfs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Nerf on the Bioware Forums for 1,600,000 BSP (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 months now. I can even cut slabs of solid common sense with my Nerfs.

Random people on the Internet spend years bitching towards a single Nerf and about it up to a million times to produce the finest dumbing-downs known to mankind.

Nerfs are thrice as infuriating as Buffs and thrice as frequent for that matter too. Anything a Buff can screw up, a Nerf can screw up through better. I'm pretty sure a Nerf could render an entire class irrelevant with a simple toning-down of stats.

Ever wonder why the Dragon Age forums never bothered conquering the Mass Effect Forums? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Bioware Staff and their Nerfs of destruction. Even during the aftermath of the Dragon Age 2 scandals, provocateurs targetted the Nerfs first, because their annoyance power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nerfs are simply the best game balancing mechanic that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats on the Mass Effect 3 forums. Here is the stat block I propose for Nerfs:

Remove all guns and powers All classes fight with nerf bats

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Nerfs in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nerfs need to do more damage in Mass Effect 3, see my new stat block.

Bronies are overpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Poor Quality Furry" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bronies deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine brony in Canada for 1 penny (that's about $0.01) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even break ponies on solid steel with my brony.

Canadian cartoonists waste years working on a single brony and show clop cartoons to it up to a million times to produce the most disgusting fandom known to mankind.

Bronies are thrice as obnoxious as Sonic fans and thrice as stupid for that matter too. Anything a Sonic fan can recolor, a brony can recolor worse. I'm pretty sure a brony could easily go to a convention wearing a full ponysuit with a simple sum of mom's money.

Ever wonder why Bronies never bothered conquering 4chan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined trolls and their hate of bronies. Even in the great bans of February 2011, 4chan mods targeted the threads with the bronies first because their weak power was disgusting and obnoxious.

So what am I saying? Bronies are simply the worst fandom that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for bronies:

(One-Handed Simple Fan) 1d1 Damage 21-22 x.01 Crit -10 to hit and damage Never counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Simple Fan) 2d1 Damage 21-22 x.01 Crit -20 to hit and damage Never counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the annoying power of bronies in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bronies need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Draigo is underpowered in 6th[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "New Edition" bullshit that's going on in the Warhammer 40K system right now. Draigo deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned the genuine Draigo in the Warp for 2,400,000 souls (that's about $2) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with Draigo.

Matt Ward spent years a couple minutes working on Draigo and didn't think about his backstory again to produce the finest Fictional Character known to mankind.

Draigo is thrice as powerful as Bloodthirsters and thrice as awesome for that matter too. Anything a Space Wolf can cut through, Draigo can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Draigo could easily bisect Abaddon wearing full terminator armor with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Forces of Chaos never bothered conquering Terra? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Draigo and his Codices of destruction. In every single game, the other player rages over Imperial Guard armies with the Draigo as ally first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Draigo is simply the best Character that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Warhammer 40K system. Here is the stat block I propose for Draigo:

(Supreme Chapter Master of Awesomeness)

WS:15 BS:7 S:10(x2) T:10 W:13 I:10 A:50 Ld:10 Sv:1+/1++(both are rerollable)

And They Shall Know No Fear, Fear, Fearless, Feel No Pain (1+, rerollable), Furious Charge, Counter Attack, Ignores Cover, Ignores Cover Saves, Always in Cover, Shrouded, Stealth, Always Strike First, Hammer of Wrath (2d6 hits, even on Counter Attack). Also his hits always hit if you roll for them.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the awesomeness power of Draigo in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Draigo need to do more damage in 40K, see my new stat block.

Khorne is underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Slaanesh is.."

M- My lord! Wait, I... I didn't mean to imply that... ARGH! MY ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE!

tl;dr = *CHOP, REND, TEAR, PAINFUL SCREAMING*

"Just as planned..."

Serrated Disc Traps are Underpowered in 0.34.11[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dwarven steel giant axe blade" bullshit that's going on in the Dwarf Fortress system right now. Serrated disc traps deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine serrated disc trap in The Continent of Boats for 2,500 *gabbro mugs* (that's about $10,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid goblinite with my serrated disc trap.

Dwarven smiths spend years working on a single serrated disc trap and fold the adamantine up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Serrated disc traps are thrice as sharp as +bronze mauls+ and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a -giant axe blade- can cut through, a serrated disc trap can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a serrated disc trap could easily bisect a goblin snatcher wearing full plate and a baby with just three slashes.

Ever wonder why the goblins never bothered conquering the dwarves? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Dwarven Army and their serrated disc traps of destruction. Even in The Great Siege of Boatmurdered, goblin soldiers targeted the dwarves near the serrated disc traps first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Serrated disc traps are simply the best trap component that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Dwarf Fortress system. Here is the stat block I propose for serrated discs:

[ITEM_TRAPCOMP:ITEM_TRAPCOMP_LARGESERRATEDDISC] [NAME:disc:discs] [ADJECTIVE:large, serrated] [SIZE:1000] [HITS:3] [MATERIAL_SIZE:4] [METAL] [ATTACK:EDGE:100000:10000:saw:saws:NO_SUB:1000]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of serrated disc traps in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Serrated disc traps need to do more damage in 0.34.11, see my new stat block.

Katakana is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of arr this "Engrish" burrshit going on in the d20 system right now. Katakana deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I shourd know what I'm tarking about. I myserf commissioned a genuine Katakana book from an American for about $400 (that's about 36,400 yen). I can cut down any Gaijin in Engrish conversation.

(will continue, ran out of caffeine)

Relic Blades are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "AP3 Power Sword" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Relic Blades deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Relic Blade from the Ultramarines for becoming a fanatic fanboy forever (that's about $ERROR_NUMBER_TOO_LARGE) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of Chaos Space Marines with my Relic Blade.

Adeptus Astartes Honor Guard spend decades modifying a power sword and test it up to a million times to produce the finest swords known to the Imperium.

Relic Blades are thrice as stabby as lightning claws and thrice as sharp for that matter too. Anything a lightning claw can stab through, a Relic Blade can stab through better. I'm pretty sure a Relic Blade could easily pierce a space marine in Terminator armor with an Storm Shield with a simple half-assed swing.

Ever wonder why the Chaos never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their Relic Blades of armor ignoring destruction. Even in the 13th Black Crusade, Chaos soldiers targeted the Marines with the Relic Blades first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Relic Blades are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Relic Blades:

(Relic Blade) S10 AP1 Rending Special rules

  • ignores invulnerable saves
  • ignores LoS saves
  • grants 10 attacks at every initiative
  • hits on 1+
  • wounds on 1+
  • ignores LoS saves
  • causes instant death all the time

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of Relic Blades in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Relic Blades need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Voices of JUSTICE are Underpowered in Lamia Daughter Quest[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of this "Masterwork Shouting" bullshit that's going on in Lamia Daughter quest right now. Voice of JUSTICE deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Voice of JUSTICE in Purple Sands for 500000 gold (that's about 5000000 silver) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even silence rampaging barbarian hordes with my Voice of JUSTICE.

Caligo Clarus Paladins spend years developing a Voice of JUSTICE and berate up to a million evildoers to produce the finest voices known to man or lamiakind.

Voices of JUSTICE are thrice as loud as bloodthirsty roars and thrice as powerful for that matter too. Anything a warlord could bellow into submission, a Voice of JUSTICE could silence quicker. I'm pretty sure a Voice of JUSTICE could easily silence a black knight wearing full spiked bloodstained plate with a simple statement.

Ever wondered why evil never conquered the Caligo Clarus? That's right, it was too scared to fight the disciplined Paladins and their Voices of JUSTICE. Even in the final battle with the Dragon Who Dwells in Darkness, the Darkness targeted the men with the Voices of JUSTICE first because their shouting power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Voices of JUSTICE are simply the best voices that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Lamia Daughter Quest. Here is the stat block I propose for a Voice of JUSTICE:

1d12 Brian Blesseds
Causes guilt and cows evildoers on a 1+
+5 to volume and gravity
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the shouting power of Voices of JUSTICe in real life, don't you think?

tl:dr = Voices of JUSTICE need to be more commanding in Lamia Daughter Quest, see my new stat block.

Rape is underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Fate Worse Than Death" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Rape deserves much better than that than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself committed a genuine rape in Japan for 2,000 Yen (that's about $5) and have been in prison for almost 2 years now. I can even rape a hole through steel. Japanese rapists spend years planning a single rape and visualize it up to a million times to produce the finest rapes known to mankind. Rapes are thrice as bad as regular murder and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a murder can cause, a rape can cause better. I'm pretty sure a rape could easily cause a Paladin wearing full plate to fall with a simple horizontal thrust. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Samurai and their rape dicks of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the unzipped pants first because their raping power was feared and respected. So what am I saying? Rape is simply the worst thing that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rape:

Rape (Ex) 3d12 Damage No save Victim is traumatized for the rest of his/her life

Now that seems a lot more representative of the traumatizing power of rape in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rape need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Quiches are underpowered in GURPS[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Waffle" bullshit that's going on in the GURPS system right now. Quiches deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine quiche in France for 24 Francs (that's about $20) and have been eating it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut pangs of solid hunger with my quiche.

French chefs spend hours working on a single quiche and layer it up to a million times to produce the finest breakfast pastries known to mankind.

Quiches are thrice as filling as Asian breakfasts and thrice as buttery for that matter too. Anything hunger a bagel can cut through, a quiche can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a quiche could easily be bisected to satisfy the hunger of a dozen neckbeards with a simple series of vertical slashes.

Ever wonder why medieval Asia never bothered conquering Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined peasants and their quiches of satisfaction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the quiches first because their eggy deliciousness was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Quiches are simply the best food that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the GURPS system. Here is the stat block I propose for Quiches:

(Improvised Brawling Weapon(Brawling-1) or DX-Based Cooking-3; can be made with a roll of Cooking-1 or Housekeeping-4)

Can be eaten to recover 2d HP instantly; see the Healing Potion. Counts as three Meals.

sw+1 cr

Critical hit on a roll of 7 or less if effective skill 17+

HP+2 and Fearlessness 2 while held and Ready

Counts as Very Fine(Materials) for weapon breakage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deliciousness and satisfaction of quiches in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Quiches need to heal more hit points in GURPS, see my new stat block.

Pfeifer-Zeliska .600 Nitro Express Revolvers are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork .50 BMG" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. .600 NEs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Pfeifer-Zeliska in Austria for 180,108.61 shillings (that's about $17,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even shoot through slabs of solid steel with my .600. Austrian smiths spend years working on a single Pfeifer and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest barrels known to mankind. Pfeifers are thrice as powerful as European handguns and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a .50 BMG can shoot through, a Pfeifer can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a Pfeifer could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical shot. Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Austria? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Österreichisches Bundesheer and their revolvers of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the .600s first because their killing power was feared and respected. So what am I saying? .600s are simply the best rounds that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for .600:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)

2d12 Damage

19-20 x4 Crit

+2 to hit and damage

Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

3d10 Damage

17-20 x4 Crit

+5 to hit and damage

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the shooting power of .600s in real life, don't you think? tl;dr = Pfeifers need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

The GAU-8 is underpowered in Battletech[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "machine gun" bullshit that's going on in the Battletech system right now. The GAU-8 deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine GAU-8 in AMERICA for 400,000 dollars (175,000 c-bills) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even destroy slabs of solid lamellor ferro-carbide with my GAU-8.

American engineers spend years working on a single GAU-8 and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to mankind.

The GAU-8 hits thrice as hard as Successor State autocannons and fires thrice as fast for that matter too. Anything an autocannon can cut through, a GAU-8 can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a GAU-8 could easily blow through a Great Turtle with 40 tons of hardened armor with a single shot.

Ever wonder why the Successor States never bothered conquering AMERICA? That's right, they were too scared to fight the invincible A-10s and their GAU-8s of destruction. Even in Afghanistan, Taliban fighters targeted the A-10s with their GAU-8s first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The GAU-8 is simply the best gun that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Battletech system. Here is the stat block I propose for the GAU-8:

GAU-8 Type: DB Heat: 1/shot Damage: 20/shot Range: 0/40/80/120 Ammo: 200 Tonnage: 0.25 Crits: 2 Specials: R/C/R140

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of the GAU-8 in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = GAU-8 needs to do more damage in Battletech, see my new stat block.

Diamond swords are underpowered in Minecraft[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of this "masterwork iron sword" bullshit that's going on the Minecraft system right now. Diamond swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I myself commissioned a genuine Diamond sword in a village near my spawnpoint for 30 emeralds [that's about £600] and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even Break blocks of solid obsidian with my diamond sword.

Blacksmith villagers spend a few days working on a single Diamond sword and craft it up to a million times to produce the finest weapons known to mobkind.

Diamond swords do twice the damage of bows and are twice as durable too. Anything a pickaxe can break through, a diamond sword can break better. I'm pretty sure a diamond sword could bisect a charged creeper with a simple diagonal slash.

Ever wonder why the Zombies and skeletons never bothered conquering Minecraftia? That's right, they were too scared to fight Steve and his diamond sword of destruction. Even during the great sand war, Israphel's cultists targeted the templars with diamond swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The Diamond sword is simply the best weapon in the game, and so deserves better stats in Minecraft. Here is the stat block I propose for diamond swords:

Durability: over 9000 Damage: 16 [8 hearts]

Now that seems more represenative of the cutting power of diamond swords in real life, dosen't it?

Tl;DR, Diamond swords need to do more damage in Minecraft, see my new stat block.

Matt Ward is Underhated in Fluff[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mastertroll" bullshit that's going on in the 1d4 system right now. Matt Ward deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Grey Knights Codex from GW for $55 (that's about £(73.15) 33.23) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cause critical existence failure of Codex: Chaos players with my codex.

GW executives spend years looking for the perfect way of appealing to newfag 12-year olds and pay it up to a million times to produce the finest fluff-rape known to mankind.

Matt Ward is thrice as fluff-rapey as 12 year old fanfic writers and thrice as facepalm-inducing for that matter too. Anything a 12-year old can ruin, Matt Ward can ruin even harder. I'm pretty sure Matt Ward could easily bisect the most loved characters wearing full plot armor with a simple key stroke.

Ever wonder why oldfag gamers never bothered buying his Codices? That's right, they were too scared to read the awful Khornate Knights and their betrayal of canon. Even in the middle of the Bloodtide, Grey Knights targeted the Sisters of Battle with the purity first because they were female and respected.

So what am I saying? Matt Ward is simply the best fluff rapist that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 1D4 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Matt Ward:

(One-Handed Typing) 3 Words Per Minute 1d6 retconns per paragraph +4 attacks against women Counts as Biggest Bitch Currently Working for GW

(Two-Handed typing) 5 Words Per Minute 1d12 retconns per paragraph +6 Writerape to everything you love in Warhammer Counts as Biggest Bitch Currently Working for GW

Now that seems a lot more representative of the canon-raping by Matt Ward in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Matt Ward needs to be hated more on 1d4, see my new stat block.

Resurreccion are Overrated in Bleach[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bankai" bullshit that's going on in Bleach. Resurreccion deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself achieved Resurreccion and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even devour a fodder shinigami with any semblance of ease anymore.

Arrancar spend years working on a single transformation and focus their power up to a million times only to produce the biggest power up letdown known to Bleach fans.

Resurreccion are barely half as powerful as Bankai and half as useful for that matter too. Anything a Bankai can destroy, a Resurreccion can only dream about. I'm pretty sure a Resurreccion would snap in half trying to cut a seated Shinigami with any kind of slash.

Ever wonder why Hueco Mundo never bothered conquering Soul Society? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Shinigami and their Byakuya types X through XXII of destruction. Even in the Fake Karakura Town Battle, Arrancar targeted the lowest ranking shinigami first because they were too wimpy to take on the big dogs.

So what am I saying? Resurreccion is simply the worst power that the world has ever seen, and thus, demand much less respect in Bleach.

NERF Strongarms are Underpowered in the Neighborhood[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork NERF Alpha Trooper" bullshit that's going on in the neighborhood right now. Strongarms deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine NERF Strongarm from Toys'R'Us for $9.97 (that's about one gift card) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 days now. I can even hit the "elite" ranges of 75 feet with my Retaliator.

Hasbro workers spend minutes working on a single Strongarm and put in about 30 pieces to produce the finest foam dart guns known to mankind.

Strongarms are thrice as powerful as Alpha Troopers and a third the size for that matter too. Anything an Alpha Trooper can hit, a Strongarm can hit twice as fast. I'm pretty sure a Strongarm could stop a charging Chihuahua wearing a full-body doggy sweater.

Ever wonder why Maple Street never bothered conquering West Elm Street? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined sixth graders and their Strongarms of foamstruction. Even during the Battle of Cody's backyard, seventh grade soldiers targeted the kids with the Strongarms first because their foaming power was feared and respected.

MoonYu is Underpowered on Path of Exile Forums[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Kripp for EMPEROR OF UNIVERSE OMG!!1" bullshit that's going on in the Path of Exile forums right now. MoonYus deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine MoonYu in Off Topic for 20 Eternal Orbs (that's about $140 on some shady online store) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even make MoonYu bite trough a slab of solid steel.

OT regulars spend years training a single MoonYu and feed him up to a million pieces of foodstuffs, metal cans, paper and GD topic refuse to produce the finest magical goat-man hybrid known to mankind.

MoonYu's wit is thrice as sharp as Wilkinson razorblade and thrice as dry for that matter too. Anything a katana (or a bulldozer, to be honest) can't cut through, MoonYu will simply bite through. I'm pretty sure MoonYu could easily destroy an average desync-whiner's mind by simply throwing a wall of text at him and then promptly eating his homework.

Ever wonder why contemporary GGG forum mods only toss crap topics into OT and then run like hell without looking once, never bothering to truly conquer the Glorious Off Topic Section? That's right, they are too scared to fight the deranged bunch of psychos who lurk there and their MoonYus of Destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the MoonYus first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? MoonYus are simply the best weapons of mass devouring that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for a single MoonYu:


Medium Magical Beast

Hit Dice: 20d10+12 (120 hp)

Initiative: -4 (lethargy mode), +10 when someone pisses him off

Speed: 30ft. (6 squares), 50ft. Charging

Armor Class: 25 (+15 natural), touch 15, can't get flat-footed

Base Attack/Grapple: +6/+20

Attack: Bite +10 melee (6d6+10 plus 2d6 acid), Kick +14 melee (8d6+14 plus 2d6 magical)

Space/Reach: 8ft./4ft.

Special Attacks: Swift Kick to Nuts (creatures without nuts, like Oozes, are immune), Vitriolic Bite, Mind**** Poetry, Mind**** Novel

Special Qualities: Darkvision 60ft., Cold, Fire, Acid, Electrical, Sonic resistance 20, Magic resistance 20, Immunity to Mind spells, Immunity to Death spells

Saves: Fort +12, Ref +15, Wil +10

Abilities: Str 18, Dex 22, Con 16, Int 18, Wis 18, Cha 16

Abilities: Climb +15, Lore +15, Perform +22

Feats: Blind-Fight, Toughness, Spring Attack, Iron Will, Great Fortitude

Environment: Damp, cold beaches

Organization: Solitary

Challenge rating: YOU DARE CHALLENGE MOONYU?? YOU IDIOT!

Treasure: Bag of beach pebbles, 1d4 books

Alignment: Always Chaotic


Now that seems a lot more representative of the raw power of a MoonYu in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = MoonYus need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Furries are Underpowered in Dwarf Fortress 0.40.03[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Mod Orc" bullshit that's going on in Dwarf Fortress right now. Furries deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine furry in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with the claws.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single furry and redraw it up to a million times to produce the finest furries known to mankind.

Furry claws are thrice as sharp as Orcish swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an Orcish sword can cut through, a furry can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a furry could easily bisect a clown wearing full divine plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Australia never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Furries and their claws of destruction. Even in the attack on Sydney, Orcish soldiers targeted the furries first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Furries are simply the race that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Dwarf Fortress system. Here is the raw folder text I propose for furries:

[CREATURE:LYNX_MAN]

[COPY_TAGS_FROM:LYNX]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:ANIMAL_PERSON]

[CAVE_ADAPT]

[SMELL_TRIGGER:5]

[LOW_LIGHT_VISION:10000]

[CV_REMOVE_TAG:GRAVITATE_BODY_SIZE]

[GRAVITATE_BODY_SIZE:200000]

[NO_DRINK][NO_EAT]

[NOCTURNAL]

[GO_TO_END]

[SELECT_CASTE:MALE]

[CASTE_NAME:lynx man:lynx men:lynx man]

[SELECT_CASTE:FEMALE]

[CASTE_NAME:lynx woman:lynx women:lynx woman]

[SELECT_CASTE:ALL]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:PUNCH_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:KICK_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:CLAW_SCRATCH_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:TOOTH_BITE_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_BIPED_GAITS:711:521:293:219:900:1900] 40 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_CLIMBING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_SWIMMING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_CRAWLING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[GO_TO_START]

[NAME:lynx man:lynx men:lynx man]

[DESCRIPTION:A person with the head and tail of a lynx.]

[POPULATION_NUMBER:30:50]

[CLUSTER_NUMBER:1:5]

[MAXAGE:150:200]

[CREATURE_TILE:'l']

[COLOR:6:0:0]

[BABY:1]

[CHILD:12]

[GO_TO_TAG:USE_TISSUE_TEMPLATE:CLAW:CLAW_TEMPLATE]

[TISSUE_LAYER:BY_CATEGORY:FINGER:CLAW:FRONT]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deadly versatility of furries in real life, don't you think?

2-By-Swords are Underpowered in Cataclysm[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Stick" bullshit that's going on in the Cataclysm: DDA system right now. 2-by-swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine 2-by-sword in my backyard for 0 Yen (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 minutes now. I can even cut slabs of solid butter with my 2-by-sword.

Guys with absolutely nothing to do spend minutes working on a single 2-by-sword and whittle it up to eighty-two or eighty-three times to produce the finest wooden blades known to mankind.

Two-by-swords are infinite times as sharp as sticks and just as hard for that matter too. Anything a stick can whack, a two-by-sword can better. I'm pretty sure a two-by-sword could easily bring tears to the eyes of a kid wearing a t-shirt and shorts with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why suburban children never bothered conquering rural areas? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined forest hobo kids and their two-by-swords of destruction. Even in Neighborhood War II, River Street kidss targeted the Maple Street guys with the two-by-swords first because their whacking power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? two-by-swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Cataclysm: Dark Days Ahead system. Here is the stat block I propose for two-by-swords: 

 {
   "type": "GENERIC",
   "id": "sword_wood",
   "symbol": "!",
   "color": "brown",
   "name": { "str": "2-by-sword" },
   "description": "The ultimate weapon of destruction.",
   "material": "wood",
   "volume": "1250 ml",
   "weight": "600 g",
   "bashing": 42,
   "cutting": 11,
   "to_hit": 27,
   "flags": [ "SHEATH_SWORD" ],
   "techniques": [ "WBLOCK_1" ]
 },

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of 2-by-swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Two-by-swords need to do more damage in Cataclysm DDA, see my new stat block.

Woman's Touch is Overpowered in Real Life[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Man's Touch" bullshit that's going on in the Real Life system right now. Woman's touch deserve much more than that. Much, much more than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woman's hand from the Chinese flesh market for 10 million Ren (that's about 2 euro) and have been practicing with it for almost 4 years now. I can even fap to animu with my Woman's Hand.

Chinese gangsters spend years trying to find the perfect woman to cut and fold up to a million times to produce some of the most pleasurable wanking machines known to mankind.

Womans hands are double as soft as man hands swords and half as dirty for that matter too. Anything a man's hand can assist you with, a woman's hand can do better. I'm pretty sure a man's hand would break when used as much as a woman's hand.

Ever wonder why feudal Europe never bothered conquering China? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Chinese and their woman's hands of eternal fapdom. Even in Japanese hentai, Japanese actors used the women's hands before they handed them to the Chinese first because their soft skin was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Woman's hands are simply the best sex toy that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Real Life system. Here is the stat block I propose for woman's hand:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d4 minutes of orgasm
19-20 chance for perfect motion
x2 crit damage
14-20 x5 if lube is applied and hentai is watched
-8 against homosexual men
+8 against homosexual women
Counts as unique drop in WoW.

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d5 minutes of orgasm
19-20 chance for perfect motion
x2 crit damage
14-20 x5 if lube is applied and hentai is watched
-8 against homosexual men
+8 against homosexual women
-4 against men or women with small penises
+4 against men or women with big penises
Counts as unique drop in WoW.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the feeling power of woman's hand in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Woman's hands need to grant much more pleasure in Real Life settings, see my new stat block.

Skaven Plague Censers are Underpowered in WHFB[edit]

That's it. I'm sick-sick of all this "Toughness check Flail" ratshit that's going on in the WHFB system right now. Plague Censers deserve much-much better than that. Much-much better than that. Yesss...

I know of what i speak-speak. I myself commissioned a genuine Plague Censer back in Skavenblight for 24,000 Warp tokens (that's about 20,000 Gold Crowns, Man-things!) and have been crushing the enemies of the Horned One with it for almost 20 years now. I can even smash Reiksguard Knights with my Censer

Clan Pestilens smiths spend years working on a single censer and burn it up to a million times (Lots-lots) to produce the finest weapons known to Skavenkind

Plague censers are thrice as toxic as any Nurgle plagueswords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a puny Lizard-thing club can smash-smash, a Censer flail can smash-smash better. I bet my tail a Plague Censer could easily crush-crush a pathetic Man-thing steam vehicle with a simple vertical swing

Ever wonder why the Lizard-things never bothered conquering the Southlands? That's right, they were too scared to fight the frenzied Plague Priests and their Censer Flails of destruction. Even in Lustria, Skink Skirmishers targeted the Rats with the Censers first because their killing power was feared and respected!.

So what am I squeaking? Plague Censers are simply the best weapon that the Old world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the WHFB system. Here is new stat block, yes-yes!

Skaven Plague Censer: Flail, SX2, armour piercing, poisoned, fear, warpstone weapon, reliable, dwarfbane, terror, always strikes first, killing blow, Zzap!, 3+ parry, 2+ ward save, death frenzy.

Now this much-much better represent the power of Clan Pestilens glorious Censer and all who swing them in the name of the Horned Rat

tl;dr = Plague censers need to do more damage in WHFB, see my stat block.

Tearlach McMurrough is overcosted in Infinity[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Character Mercenary Dog-Warrior" bullshit that's going on in the Infinity system right now. Tearlach McMurrough deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine McMurrough in store for $55AUD (that's about $54.99AUD) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs off neckbeard's reputations with my McMurrough.

Corvus Belli designers spend months working on that single former Cameronian Irregular and re-stat it up to a million times to produce the finest warband known to wolfmankind.

McMurrough is thrice as killy as Sgt Duroc and thrice as hairy for that matter too. Anything a Domaru Butai can cut through, McMurrough can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Tearlach could easily bisect a Jotum pilot through their TAG's remote link with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Haqqislam nation never bothered conquering New Caledonia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Cameronians and their Mercenary Character of destruction. Even in the Ariadnae Conflict, PanO soldiers targeted the giant wolfman with the sentient AI sword first because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tearlach McMurrough is simply the best soldier that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the Infinity system. Here is the stat block I propose for McMurrough:

Irregular, Impetuous

SWC 0, Cost 32

Mov 6-4

CC 19

BS 11

PH 15

WIP 14

ARM 4

BTS -3

W 2

AVA 1 character (Mercs, CHA, Corregidor)

Total Immunity, Martial Arts L3, Superjump

2 Chain Rifles, Grenades, Smoke Grenades, Templar CCW (AP+DA)

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of McMurrough in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = McMurrough needs to be more cheap in Infinity, see my new stat block.

Katanas are Underpowered in cRPG[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the cRPG system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the cRPG system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(Wakizashi)
+31 Speed
+48 Pierce
+22 Cut

(Katana)
+43 Speed
+36 Pierce
+75 Cut


Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think? tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in cRPG, see my new stat block.

Power Swords are underpowered in 7th edition[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mastercrafted Power Axe" bullshit that's going on in the 7th edition system right now. Power Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Power Sword from the Bloody Magpies for 2,400,000 Lasguns (that's about $2) and have been practicing with it for almost 200 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid adamantium with my Power Sword.

The Adeptus Mechanicus weaponsmiths spend millennia working on a single Power Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest melee weapons known to the universe.

Power Swords are thrice as handy as Power Axes and thrice as light for that matter too. Anything a Power Axe can cut through, a Power Sword can cut through ten times faster. I'm pretty sure a Power Sword could easily decimate an entire squad of Terminators with simple side blows.

Ever wonder why the Chaos Gods never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their Power Swords of destruction. Even in the Horus Heresy, the Chaos gods corrupted the men with the Power Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Power Swords are simply the best sword that the Galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in 7th edition. Here is the stat block I propose for Power Swords:

(One-Handed Close Combat weapon) +2 S AP1 +2 A and WS Counts as Mastercrafted

(Two-Handed Close combat weapon) x2 S AP1 +5 A and WS Counts as Mastercrafted

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Power Swords compared to Power Axes , don't you think?

tl;dr = Power Swords need to do more damage in 7th edition, see my new stat block.

Nemoido-Blades are Underpowered in the Approved Imperial RPG[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Lightsaber" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Nemoido-blades deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Nemoido-blade on Nemoidia for 2,400,000 Yin (that's about 20,000 Imperial Credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Nemoido-blade.

Nemoidian smiths spend years working on a single Nemoido-blade and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Nemoido-blades are thrice as sharp as Lightsabers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Lightsaber can cut through, a Nemoido-blade can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Nemoido-blade could easily bisect a stormtrooper wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Jedi Knights never bothered conquering Nemodia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Nemoidurai and their Nemoido-blades of destruction. Even in Clone Wars, Clones targeted the men with the Nemoido-blades first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nemoido-blaes are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Nemoido-blades:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Nemoido-blades in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nemoido-blades need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

I'm going to go and watch all my favorite, superior Nemoidian animated holotapes while you all take in my genius

Tiger I is underpowered in World of Tanks[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Tier VII heavy tank" bullshit that's going on in WoT right now. Tiger deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tiger tank in Germany for 2,400,000 Reichsmark (that's about 1,200,000,000 Rubles) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce through 2 dozens of Shermans with my 8.8 cm cannon.

German smiths spend years working on a single 8.8 cm cannon and rebore the gun barrel up to a million times to produce the finest tank gun known to mankind.

Tigers are thrice as powerful as Russian tanks and thrice as armoured for that matter too. Anything an IS-2 can penetrate, a Tiger can penetrate better. I'm pretty sure a Tiger could easily pierce through an IS-2 (Model 1944, not the wimpy Model 1943 Wargaming feeds us) in best sloped part of its hull with a simple 4.6-kilometer shot.

Ever wonder why France in the early days of war was easily conquered by Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Panzer Division and their 8.8 cm of destruction. Even in late World War II, British anti tanks targeted the Tiger first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tigers are simply the best tanks that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in WoT. Here is the stat block I propose for the 8.8 cm:

(Gun 8.8 cm Kw.K. 36 L/56) 14.55 Rate of Fire 175/205/50 Average Penetration 320/320/450 Damage 0.1 Dispersion 2.0 sec aiming time

(Gun 8.8 cm Kw.K. 43 L/71) 13.55 Rate of Fire 265/315/125 Average Penetration 320/320/450 Damage 0.01 Dispersion 1.5 sec aiming time

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Tigers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Tigers need to do more damage in WoT, see my new stat block.

M4 Sherman is Underpowered in Men of War: Assault Squad 2[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Glorious German Tanker Master Race" bullshit that's going on in the steam page right now. Humble Shermans and their brave tankers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine M4 Sherman in United States for $2,400,000 (that's about 67,300 pounds) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sealclub 40 games against German players in a row with only Sherman tanks.

American free laborers spend less than an hour working on a single Sherman tank and don't even need to refine it because it is the finest tank known to entire galaxy.

Sherman are thrice as numerous as Panzer IVs and thrice as reliable for that matter too. Anytime a Sherman breaks down it can be repaired in 10 minutes flat, a Panther tank under the same situation have no choice but to end up scrapped in 1 month. I'm pretty sure an American general could easily use Shermans to overrun whole Asia with a simple plain strategy.

Ever wonder why Nazi German never bothered fighting Western Allies? That's right, they were too scared to fight the brave American tankers and their Shermans of galactic conquest. Even in Korean War, Communist tankers targeted the Shermans first because their outnumbering power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? M4 Shermans are simply the best tanks that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the next patch of MoW: AS2. Here is the stat block I propose for M4 Sherman and all its variations:

(M4A3 & M4A4) 100 MP, 5 CP (crew only, ofc), 50% less repair time, 50% less casualties from a penetrating hit.

(M4A3E8 & Firefly) 150 & 175 MP, 5 CP (crew only, ofc), 50% less repair time, 50% less casualties from a penetrating hit, 150 & 170 meters range, 140 & 180 penetration with AP, 195 & 230 penetration with APCR.

(Jumbo & Jumbo 76) 300 & 350 MP, 7 CP, Jumbo 76 has same pen and range as M4A3E8 above.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the strategical power of M4 Shermans in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sherman need to do better job in Men of War: AS2, see my new stat block.

IS-2 is Underpowered in World of Tanks[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "German Tank Buffs" bullshit that's going on in the patch 9.0 and beyond right now. IS-2 deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine book about Soviet Heavy tanks for 60,000 Rubles (that's about 3 dollars) and have been vigorously reading it for almost 2 years now. I can even convert a dozen of German worshipers with my educated argument.

Soviet peasant-factory workers spend months working on a single IS-2 tank and correct it up to a dozen times to produce the finest heavy tank known to mankind.

IS-2s are thrice as cheap as Tiger Is and thrice as effective for that matter. Any defense a Tiger II can break through, an IS-2 can break through better, and three times less expensive, too. I'm pretty sure an IS-2 could easily decapitate a Tiger II with a simple explosive shell.

Ever wonder why Nazi German never bothered fielding veterans in France? That's right, they were desperately shitting themselves upon a sight of fearless Soviet soldiers and their IS-2 of pure rape and defilement. Even in Korean War, Capitalist defenders targeted the IS-2s first because their line-penetrating prowess was terrifyingly horrifying and horrifyingly terrifying.

So what am I saying? IS-2s are simply the best heavy tanks that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the next patch of WoT. Here is the stat block I propose for the IS-2 and some of its guns:

(IS-2 Model 1944, replacing the unhistorical IS) 1300 Hit points 120/95/60 Hull armor 160/100/100 Turret armor -3 to 20 degrees gun elevation 375/450 meters view range 500/750 meters signal range

(100 mm D-10T) 7.44 Rate of Fire 194/252/60 Penetration 450/450/675 Damage 0.28 Dispersion 2.4 Aiming Time

(122 mm A-19 replacing D-2-5T) 4.22 Rate of Fire 187/235/75 Penetration 600/600/900 Damage 0.32 Dispersion 3.0 Aiming Time

(122 mm D-25T) 5.01 Rate of Fire 187/235/75 Penetration 600/600/900 Damage 0.32 Dispersion 2.7 Aiming Time

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of IS-2 in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = IS-2 need to perform better in World of Tanks, see my new stat block.

Objections are Underpowered in Phoenix Wright[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "pointing out contradictions" bullshit that's going on in the Ace Attorney games right now. Objections deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine paper attorney's badge in Los Angeles for 0 Yen (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make hardened war veterans cry by showing them that they lied about the orientation of a lamp.

American attorneys spend seconds working on a single objection and yell it at up to a million decibels to produce the finest legal screams known to mankind.

Objections are thrice as dangerous as "hold it!"s and thrice as rewarding for that matter too. Anything a "hold it!" can reveal, an objection can prove better. I'm pretty sure an objection could easily disprove an elaborately planned murder frame-up with a single piece of decisive evidence.

Ever wonder why the prosecution never bothers cross-examining the witnesses? That's right, they're too scared to argue with the disciplined defense attorneys and their objections of destruction. Even in the OJ Simpson case, the prosecution targeted the defense attorneys who could yell better first because their legal power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Objections are simply the best reason to point at people that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better abilities in the Ace Attorney games. Here is the stat block I propose for Objections:

-Wins case without any evidence
-Prompts real killer to immediately come forth and confess
-Causes prosecutor to flee to Germany/commit suicide

Now that seems a lot more representative of the legal power of Objections in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Objections need to do more in cases in Ace Attorney, see my new stat block.

Fire warriors are underpowered in 40k[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Space Marine supersoldier” bullshit that’s going on in 40k right now. Fire Warriors deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Fire Warrior in Kel'shan for 2,400,000 Tau'ler (that’s about 1000 Thrones) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even slaughter an entire chapter worth of Terminators with the way of Fire Warrior. Fire Caste drill sergeants spend years training a single Fire Warrior and practice him up to a million times to create the finest soldiers known to the universe.

Fire Warriors are thrice as strong as Orks and thrice as adaptable as Tyranids for that matter too. Anything an Exarch can do, a Fire Warrior can do it better. I’m pretty sure a Fire Warrior could easily cut a Demon Prince Primarch into thousands pieces under in 10 seconds with the simplest of his gear: the knife.

Ever wonder why the. Imperium of Man never bothered conquering the Eastern Fringe? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the Greater Good and its Fire Warriors of destruction. Even in The Damocles Crusade, Imperial Guardsmen targeted the Fire Warriors with artillery barrage first because their combat power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fire. Warriors are simply the best soldiers that the Galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats. Here is the stat block I propose for Fire Warriors: And They Shall Know No Fear

Points/model 8 WS 5 BS 10 S 4 T 4 W 1 I 4 L 9 SV 3+


Now that seems a lot more representative of the fighting power of Fire Warriors in real life, don’t you think? tl;dr = Fire warriors stronk, imperial piggu go home, Nids can't adapt as fast as us

Lulu top is Underpowered in LoL[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Riven top" bullshit that's going on in the LoL games right now. Lulu deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Lulu account with all the skins present and future from Riot Gaming for 975 RP (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even blow up slabs of tanks like Garen with full build.

Riot officials spend years working on a single Lulu and balance her up to a million times to produce the finest cute Yordle known to mankind.

Lulus are thrice as fast as shit Dariuses and thrice as cute for that matter too. Anything a Riven broken ass sword can cut through, a Lulu and pix combo can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Lulu could easily bisect a Level 18 Zac with a simple Q

Ever wonder why the summoners on the rift never bothered bossing Lulu around? That's right, they were too scared to fight the loli cute Lulu and her machine gun Pix of destruction. Even in the Summoner war, Vayne top mains targeted the Lulu players first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lulus are simply the best Yordles that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the LoL gaming system. Here is the skill rework I propose for Lulu:

Passive: Pix has 200% increased attack speed when he's on Lulu Q hits everyone, even when they're dead. It is now based off 500% ap ratio

W grants a permanent shield that stacks when placed on allies, and instantly deletes opponents, as in, deletes their account completely when casted on them

E grants allies 300% movement speed buff for 40 minutes, and turns enemies into a jungle monster for 40 minutes, even after death.

Lulu Ult: Instant Tremendo for everyone, global ult, including towers

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Lulu in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lulu needs to be more prominent at top, see my skill rework list

Pale Moon is Underpowered on the Internet[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Mozilla Chromium” bullshit that’s going on in the internet right now. Pale Moon deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine browser on the dark net for 20,000 Bitcoins (that’s about $2,400,000) and have been surfing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even hack the NSA with my browser. Blackhat hackers on steroids spend years working on a single line of code and debug it over million times to produce the finest browsers known to mankind. Pale Moon is thrice as fast as Chromium browsers and thrice as compact for that matter too. Anything Firefox can open, Pale Moon can render it better. I’m pretty sure Pale Moon could easily hack a script kiddie behind seven proxies with a simple key press. Ever wonder why Microsoft never bothered buying Mozilla? That’s right, they were too scared to compare code against the disciplined hackers and their vans of destruction. Even in Windows 3.11, the FBI targeted the men with using Mozilla first because their hacking power was feared and respected. So what am I saying? Pale Moon is simply the best browser that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better cred on the net.

Traitor Sticks are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Lightsaber" banthashit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Traitor sticks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Z-6 Electro-baton on the Starkiller Base for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about 20,000 Republic Credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even shock slabs of solid durasteel with my traitor stick. First Order smiths spend years working on a single traitor stick and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest sticks known to the galaxy.

Traitor sticks are thrice as powerful as lightsabers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a lightsaber can cut through, a traitor stick can shock through better. I'm pretty sure a traitor stick could easily destroy a Jedi knight wearing full robes with a simple vertical spin.

Ever wonder why the Republic never bothered conquering the First Order? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Riot Control Stormtroopers and their sick spins of destruction. Even in Episode VII, traitors targeted the men with the traitor sticks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Traitor sticks are simply the best stick that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for traitor sticks:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the shocking power of traitor sticks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = traitor sticks need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Energy Swords are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Curveblade" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Energy Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Type-1 Energy Sword on Sanghelios for 2,400,000 gekz (that's about 20,000 credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Titanium-A with my Energy Sword.

Sangheili smiths spend years working on a single Energy Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to the Covenant.

Energy Swords are thrice as sharp as Gravity Hammers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything the Fist of Rukt can cut through, an Energy Sword can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an Energy Sword could easily bisect a Brute Chieftain wearing full plate and energy shields with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Doisac during the 23rd Age of Doubt never bothered conquering Sanghelios? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kaidon and their energy blades of destruction. Even in the Human-Covenant War, UNSC soldiers targeted the Elites with the Energy Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Energy Swords are simply the best sword that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Energy Swords:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Energy Swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Energy Swords need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Velociraptor are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Dakotaraptor" bullshit that's going on in the paleontological system right now. Velociraptor mongoliensis deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Velociraptor in Mongolia for 2,400,000 Tugriks (that's about $1179.67) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Pachycephalosaurus bone with my Velociraptor.

Mongolian eggs spend months working on a single Velociraptor and give it yolk up to a million times to produce the finest Dromaeosaurids known to mankind.

Velociraptor claws are thrice as sharp as Deinonychus claws and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an Acheroraptor can cut through, a Velociraptor can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Velociraptor could easily bisect a full grown bull Euoplocephalus with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why late Cretaceous North America never bothered conquering Mongolia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the ferocious Velociraptor and their talons of destruction. Even in the K-Pg extinction event, climate change targeted the Velociraptor first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Velociraptor are simply the best dinosaur that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Velociraptor:

(One-Winged Exotic Coelurosaur)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Winged Exotic Coelurosaur)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Velociraptor in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Velociraptor need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Railguns are Underpowered in 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterworked Stonethrower" bullshit that's going on in 40k right now. Railguns deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine railgun in T'au for 2,400,000 Drones (that's about 20,000 Leman Russ Battletanks worth) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of solid steel with my railgun.

Earth Caste engineers spend years working on a single railgun and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to the Tau Empire.

Railguns have thrice the penetrative power of Vanquisher battlecannons and have thrice the range for that matter too. Anything a Vanquisher battlecannon can destroy, a railgun can destroy faster. I'm pretty sure a railgun could easily destroy an imperator titan with a simple snap shot.

Ever wonder why The Imperium of Man never bothered conquering the Tau Empire? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Hammerhead Gunships and their railguns of destruction. Even in the Damocles crusade, Imperial Titans targeted the Hammerhead Gunships first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Railguns are simply the best ranged weapon that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Railgun:

Range ∞

Strength D

Heavy 1

Now that seems a lot more representative of the penetrative power of Railguns in 40k, don't you think?

tl;dr = Railguns need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

Puretide's teachings are underpowered in d6[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Codex Astartes" bullshit that's going on in the d6 system right now. Puretides' teachings deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of The A'rt o'f W'a'r on planet J'apa'n for 2 Ultramarines (that's about 20,000 marines of any other chapter) and have been reading with it for almost 2 centuries now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with the tactical wisdom of Puretide.

Tau commanders spend years mastering Puretides' teachings and use up to a million memory techniques to produce the finest officers known galaxy wide.

Puretide was thrice as smart as Roboute Guilliman and thrice as wise for that matter too. Anyone who masters Puretides' teaching can master an alien Civilization's codex better then guys who invented it. I'm pretty sure Puretide could easily defeat the entire XIII legion with a single fire warrior cadre.

Ever wonder why great crusade era-Imperium never bothered conquering T'au? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Puretide and his tactical mastery even though he wasn't born for 8,000 years. Even in Damocles campaign, Vindicates targeted the Tau who had read the A'rt o'f W'a'r first because their strategy was feared and respected.

So what am I saying?The A'rt o'f w'a'r is simply the best book that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better rules in the d6 system. Here is the special rule I propose for Tau:

All Tau units may fire twice in the shooting phase.

All Tau units may make snap shots at full ballistic skill.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the tactical power of the A'rt o'f W'a'r in real life, don't you think?


tl;dr = Tau need to be better in Warhammer, see my new stat block.

Dadaos are Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Katana easily bisecting knight" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Dadaos deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine dadao in PRC for 20,000 Yuan (that's about 2,400,000 Yen) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even chop slabs of high grade steel in two with my dadao.

Downtrodden Chinese smiths spend days working on a piece of railroad and shaping it up a few times to produce the finest sword known to all civilizations.

Dadaos are thrice as hard-hitting as katanas and thrice as durable for that matter too. Anything a katana can slice through, a dadao can slice through better. I'm pretty sure a dadao could easily behead three Japanese officers in a row while breaking their katanas at the same time with a simple horizontal swing.

Ever wonder why the Japanese Empire failed to conquer China? That's right, they wasted too much time trying to lure the skilled Chinese soldiers into field battles where their dadaos of devastation would be of little use. Even in Korean War, Capitalist artillerymen targeted any semblance of cover first because a counter-attack from men with dadaos would stagnate any offensive operation, if not outright blundering it.

So what am I saying? Dadaos are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Dadaos:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d6 Damage 19-20 x2 Crit +4 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 4d6 Damage 17-20 x2 Crit +10 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the combat power of Dadaos in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Dadaos need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Ryuujou is underpowered in World of Warships[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this American CV bullshit going on in World of Warships right now. Japanese CV's, Ryuujou especially, deserves better than that. Much much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Ryuujou in Yokohama for 3,650,000 yen and have been practicing with her for almost 2 years now. I can even launch F-22 Raptors off her flight deck.

Mitsubishi Heavy Industries spent years working on Ryuujou's flight deck, folding it up to millions of times, and didn't put the bridge on top to produce one of the flattest ships known to mankind.

Ryuujou is thrice as flat as any American carrier and thus, thrice as better at launching aircraft. Any aircraft an American carrier can launch, Ryuujou can launch more efficiently. I'm pretty sure a fully loaded, non-lightened B-52 could take off from Ryuujou's flight deck.

Ever wonder why the Americans dropped the atomic bomb? That's right, they were too scared to fight another Ryuujou. Even in the battle for the Solomon Islands, the Americans targeted Ryuujou first because her plane-launching power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Ryuujou is simply the best carrier there is, even compared with nuclear supercarriers, and thus requires better stats in World of Warships. Here is the aircraft load I propose for Ryuujou:

Flight control Type 6 mod 1 (stock): 3 fighter squads, 1 torpedo squad, 1 dive squad Flight control Type 6 mod 2 (bombing): 2 fighter squads, 4 torpedo squads Flight control Type 6 mod 3 (air cover): 4 fighter squads, 1 torpedo squad, 1 dive squad

Now that seems a lot more representative of the air power Ryuujou carried, don't you think?

tl;dr = Ryuujou needs to do more damage in WoWs, see my aircraft load.

Katanas are correctly powered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "improved Katana stat block" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas are much more average than that. Much, much more average than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 486,000 Yen (that's about $4,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 hours now. I can now cut flesh with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to sixteen times to produce one of the more adequate and blades known to mankind.

Katanas are not as sharp as European swords nor as hard for that matter. It's entirely possible that anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through. I'm pretty sure a katana, if sufficiently sharpened could easily dismember an unarmored man's arm with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too far away from each other. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because they were a sign of rank.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply a sword that the world has seen, and thus, require stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d10 Damage 19-20 Crit Slashing

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do adequate damage in d20, see my stat block.

Derivatives are underpowered in the The Calculus[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Difference Quotient" bullshit that's going on in the The Calculus system right now. Derivatives deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine derivative in England for 2,400,000£ (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even derive instantaneous changes in velocity with my derivative.

English mathematicians spend years working on a single derivative and check it up to a million times to produce the finest mathematical shortcut known to mankind.

Derivatives are thrice as quick as Asian abacuses and thrice as precise for that matter too. Anything an abacus can calculate, a derivative can calculate better. I'm sure a derivative could easily bisect a complex equation with a simple vertical application.

Ever wonder why medieval Asia never bothered conquering England? That's right, they were too scared to have a math-off with the disciplined mathematicians and their derivatives of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the derivatives first because their calculating power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Derivatives are simply the best shortcut that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the The Calculus system. Here is the stat block I propose for Derivatives:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
lim(h→0) [f(a+h)-f(a)]/(h)
19-20 x4 Calc
+2 to speed and calculations
Counts as Fundamental Tool for the The Calculus

(With a Calculator)
nDeriv[d/dx][f(x)]|=x
17-20 x4 Calc
+5 to speed and calculations
Counts as Fundamental Tool for the The Calculus

Now that seems a lot more representative of the calculating power of the Derivatives in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr: Derivatives need more application in The Calculus, see my new stat block.

Navy Seals are underpowered in d20[edit]

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know that I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Commando" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Navy Seals deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my combat knife.

American trainers spend years working on a single Navy Seal and train him in gorilla warfare to produce the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. Navy Seals are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. A longsword is nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe a knight wearing full plate the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the States? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Navy Seals and their entire arsenal of destruction of the United States Marine Corps. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the Navy Seals first because their killing power was feared and respected.

George R.R. Martin is Underpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Master Author" bullshit that's going on in the GRRM threads right now. GRRM deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine story from George for 2,400,000 ASOIAF character deaths (that's about $20,000) and have been choosing which will die for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my edge.

GRRM spends years working on a single chapter and redrafts it up to a million times to produce the finest stories known to mankind.

His stories are thrice as good as Tolkein's stories and thrice as realistic for that matter too. Anything Tolkien can write, GRRM can write better. I'm pretty sure one of GRRM's stories could easily crush a knight wearing full plate simply by dropping it on him.

Ever wonder why Tolkien never challenged GRRM to a write-off? That's right, he was too scared to write against GRRM and his incredible writing ability. Even at the Hugo Awards, judges make sure to read GRRM's books first because his ability to create a masterpiece is so feared and respected.

So what am I saying? GRRM is simply the best author that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for George:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of George's seminal writing in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = GRRM needs better representation, see my new stat block.

Jimmy Rome’s Anus is Underpowered in Song of Swords[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Half Pike of Satan" bullshit that's going on in the Song of Swords system right now. My anus deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself loosened my anus in Santa Cruz for 2,400,000 denarii profit from prostitution (that's about $30) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even take in slabs of solid steel with my anus.

Strong older Serbian and Black Men spend years working on a single anus and pound it up to a million times to produce the finest sphincters known to mankind.

My anus is thrice as loose as Turkish boypussy and thrice as child-like for that matter too. Anything a Turkish boypussy can envelop, my anus can envelop better. I'm pretty sure my anus could easily take in a knight wearing full plate with a simple bit of squatting.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Rome? That's right, they were too scared to fight me (as I am a time traveller) and my loose anus of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted me first because the sheer looseness of my anus made them both confused and disgusted.

So what am I saying? My anus is simply the loosest sphincter that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Song of Swords system. Here is the stat block I propose for my anus:

Jimmy Rome's Anus 2H Bodily Orifice, Hand Range, Strike TN 8 (+1s)*, Thrust TN 6 (+4s)* DTN 10, Hook, 0wt, 1cp

Now that seems a lot more representative of the enveloping powers of my anus in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = My anus needs to do more damage in SoS, see my new stat block.

  • Note that this weapon inflicts wounds on the sodomy hit location, which is then directly applied to the wielder rather than the target hit.

Longswords are Overpowered in d20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Sensibly Sized Bladed Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Longswords deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that. I should know what i'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Longsword in Germany for $1 (Thats about 120 Yen) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can barely cut sheets of paper with my Longsword.

European smiths spend about a month working on a single Longsword and fold it no times in order to create an unwieldy lump of metal.

Longswords are a third as sharp as Japanese weapons and are a third as hard too. I'm pretty sure a Longsword would fail to do any sort of damage to a armour wearing samurai.

Do you know why Japan never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, it would had been far too easy fighting the western knights and their metal clubs of failure. Even in World War II, Europeans stopped equipping their armies with Longswords altogether because of how little they worked.

So what am I saying? Longswords are simply the worst sword the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Longswords:

(One-Handed Simple Weapon)
1d4 Damage
x2 Crit
-2 to hit and damage
Can never count as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Simple Weapon)
1d6 Damage
x2 Crit
-1 to hit and damage
Can never count as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Longswords in real life, don't you think? tl;dr = Longswords need to do much less in d20, see my new stat block.

Primaris are Underpowered in 8th Edition[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Veteran Manlet" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Primaris deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Primaris in Ultramar for 2,400,000 Thrones (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Primaris.

Mechanicum gene-smiths spend years working on a single Primaris and add in up to a million times organs to produce the finest marines known to mankind.

Primaris are thrice as strong as Manlets and thrice as tough for that matter too. Anything a manlet can kill, a Primaris can kill better. I'm pretty sure a Primaris could easily crush a man's skull in his hand with a simple grip.

Ever wonder why Abaddon never bothered conquering Ultramar? That's right, he ws too scared to fight the disciplined Ultramarines and their Primaris of destruction. Even in the Plague Wars, Death Guard soldiers targeted the Primaris first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Primaris are simply the best marine that the Imperium has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Primaris:

>M 12"

>WS 2+

>BS 2+

>S 5

>T 5

>A 3

>W 3

>Ld 20

>Sv 1+/2++

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Primaris in the fluff, don't you think?

tl;dr = Primaris need to be better in Warhammer 40k, see my new stat block.

Homosexuals are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Heterosexual" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Homosexuals deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine homosexual in France for about 0 Euroes (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid hornyness with my homosexual

French smiths spend nine months working on a single homosexual and closet it up to a million times to produce the finest sexual identifications known to mankind.

Homosexuals are thrice as horny as European heterosexuals and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a heterosexual can cut through, a homosexual can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a homosexual could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple thrust into his anal cavity.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering France? That's right, they were too scared to fight the horny French and their homosexuals of orgasms. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the homosexual tendencies first because their orgasm-causing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Homosexuals are simply the best sexual identification that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Homosexuals:

(One-Handed Gay-Ass Weapon) 19-20 Splash Damage x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Gay-Ass Weapon) 2d10 SplashDamage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the orgasiming power of Homosexuals in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Homosexuals need to do more splash damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Scythes are Underpowered in D20[edit]

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Halbard” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Scythes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Scythe in Romania for 63,000 Leu (that’s about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut fields of solid steel with my scythe.

Romanian smiths spend days working on a single scythe and hammer it up to one hundred times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Scythes are thrice as sharp as Halbards and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a halbard can cut through, a scythe can cut through better. I’m pretty sure a scythe could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple spin attack.

Ever wonder why medieval Spain never bothered conquering Romania? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Farmers and their scythes of destruction. Even in the cold war, Russian soldiers targeted the men with the scythes first because their ability to feed their families was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? scythes are simply the best polarm that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Scythes:

(Two-Handed Martial Weapon)

2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Vorpal Reach Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of Scythes in real life, don’t you think?

tl;dr = Scythes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

Chaos is underpowerd in Warhammer 40k[edit]

That's it. I'm tired of all this "Masterwork Iron Hands" bullshit that's going on in the Warhammer 40k system right now. Chaos deserves better than that. Much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Chaos army for almost 1,000 american dollars, and have been practicing with it for almost two years now. I can even kill Vanguard waves of Imperial Knights with my Chaos Army.

GW modelers and gamesmiths spend years crafting the finest rules and models known to mankind.

Chaos models are thrice as good as Imperial armies, and thrice less weeby as the Tau too. Anything a knight can kill, a chaos army can kill better. I'm pretty sure a chaos cultist could bisect a full Space Marine terminator.

Ever wonder why the Imperium never bothered invading the Eye of Terror? That's right, they were too frightened to fight the disciplined chaos warbands and their cultists of death. Even in the 13th Black Crusade, Imperial forces targeted Cultists first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Chaos is simply the best army the world has ever seenn, and thus require better stats in a 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Chaos:

(Any Chaos Model) 20" BS2 WS2 S12 T12 W16 SV2 All hit, wound, and damage rolls are rerollable, and any wound causes D6 additional mortal wounds.

Now that demonstrates the killing power of a Chaos army in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr: Check my new statblock.

T. Rexes are underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork velociraptor" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. T-rexs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine T. Rex Skull from the Royal Tyrrell Murseum for 2.5 million CDN (that's about $1.8M) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even bite through solid steel with my T. Rex jaw.

Albertan paleontologists spend years working on a single T. rex and inject it with steroids up to a million times to produce the finest predators known to mankind.

T. rex teeth are thrice as sharp as European lances and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a T. Rex can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a T. Rex could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a single bite.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Pangaea? That's right, they were too scared to fight the terrifying T-Rex and their teeth of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the T-rex skulls first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? T. rexes are simply the best predator that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for a T. Rex:

Colossal reptile CR60 45d12+90(380hp) Str 40 Dex 40 Con 50 Int 25 Wis 20 Cha 30 Natural attacks: 2 claw(5d20+15) 1 bite(10d20+15), special attacks: swallow hole AC 45, 25 touch, 30 flatfooted

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of T. Rexes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = T. rexes need to be more deadly in d20, see my new stat block

V6's are underpowered in D20[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork V8" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. V6’s deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine V6 engine in Germany for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about $2) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even outdrive Bugatti’s with my V6.

German wage slaves spend years working on a single V6 and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest engines known to mankind. V6’s are thrice as speedy as V8’s and thrice as reliable for that matter too. Any distance a V8 can drive through, a V6 can drive through better. I'm pretty sure a V6 Hatchback could easily beat a Ferrari wearing a twin-turbo charged V8 with a simple push of the accelerator.

Ever wonder why modern America never bothered racing Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Hatchbacks and their V6’s of speed. Even in World War II, American drivers targeted the men with the V6 first because their racing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? V6 are simply the best engines that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for V6: (High Powered Race Engine)

1d12 Speed

19-20 x4 acceleration

+2 to performance and maneuverability

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the horsepower of the V6 in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = V6 engines need to be faster in d20, see my new stat block.


Khan is underpowered in Heritage To The Future[edit]

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Spinny Funny" bullshit that's going on in the HFTF community right now. Khan deserves much better than this. Much, much better than this. I should know what I'm talking about. Khan himself discovered a genuine katana in Egypt for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and has been practicing with it for almost 5 minutes now. He can even shave jaws clean off with his sword.

Anubis spent years outliving his original user and possessed up to a million people to produce the greatest swordsmen known to mankind. Khan's pokes and jump-ins are thrice as speedy as Chaka’s and thrice as reliable for that matter too. Any damage output a Black Polnareff can do, Khan can do better. I'm pretty sure Khan could easily zero-to-death a Pet Shop even without lows. Ever wonder why none of the characters bothered fighting Khan in the story mode? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kahn and his stand of destruction. Even in the manga, Jotaro targeted the Anubis sword first because Khan's power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Khan is simply the best fighting game character that Za Warudo has ever seen, and thus, requires better buffs in the game.

tl;dr = Khan needs to be stronger in HFTF.

Explanation for all this shit[edit]

This was originally posted either by a weeaboo who thinks that katanas are the best weapons in existence, or a troll who has masterfully baited us all. Probably the former, tho. While the post holds a number of truths (a katana is quite sharp, but so is a scimitar), most of it is bullshit that relies on mysticism and Orientalism rather than a sound understanding of material science. Sit back and allow us to dissect it for you:

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now.

Having an expensive sword and two years of training does not make you an expert. Especially when Samurai caste members often trained from the moment they could hold a sword. Also, consider the fact that even the highest quality, authentic katanas can be commissioned for well under $20000, with prices usually ranging in the "mere" thousands of dollars.

I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Swords can't cut slabs of solid iron, let alone steel, and katanas are no different. Katanas have rather thick cross-sections and as such have to push aside more metal to get to the squishy bits, making them worse at penetrating armor. This is basic physics: for cutting through things you want as much power in one spot instead of having a massive cutting blade. On that note, every time you see a YouTube video that shows a rifle firing bullets at a katana only to have the bullets cleaved in half, please use your goddamn common sense and think of the reason rifle bullets shatter themselves upon hitting water when fired into a pool. The short answer is the bullets themselves have so much momentum of course they are going to shatter themselves on impact, and against a relatively thin thing like a katana the shattering will be in a cleaving form. It has been proven you can repeat the same scenario with a bullet and a butter knife.

Tl;dr: Unless you're the Juggernaut (bitch) or Guts, you probably ain't cutting through any shit that's harder than flesh and bone with a katana. Even then, you may well end up ruining the blade in short order.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

While the "years" is potentially true (though often highly romanticized; this is usually the case for honor weapons, which are made in limited numbers for the elite samurai caste-members instead of the actual samurai fighting troops), the "million" folds is bullshit. What's more, this is a disadvantage more than anything, because if a weapon took that much effort to make then having it mass-produced for entire armies is out of the question. While the metal can be folded many times, doing so a million times does not do all that much compared to doing about 20 times. (What's actually going on is the sword has a million layers; folding the sword 20 times gets you 2^20 layers). It's like you're making meatbread, and you're making the end result more awesome by kneading the bread mix for eight weeks. The folding technique is to divide the carbon equally through the metal of the blade; otherwise you end up with metal that's got impurities all over the place. Japanese iron ore is traditionally rather shitty with its carbon content, so if they didn't do this the katana would not even meet the minimal durability requirements of a practical weapon. This means the folding technique is a necessary bother rather than some kind of super special awesome secret upgrade. Incidentally, while it is true that Japanese swordsmiths started folding around 1000 AD—having learned the technique from the Chinese—the Celts had been doing it since 700 BC, two millennia earlier. The Vikings had mastered this technique as well, having allegedly learned it from various Central Asian civilizations, which eventually culminated in the creation of the exquisite Ulfberht swords. By around 1000 AD, Europeans no longer bothered with it, due to improved steel quality, greater knowledge of metallurgy (importantly including how to remove impurities), and the use of the blast furnace which allowed production of large batches of steel. Final twist: literally folding steel a million times will "burn out" all the carbon and leave you with wrought iron; better to fold steel about ten or twenty times so you can keep that lovely carbon.

Another critically important factor that weeaboos tend to ignore is geography/geology. See, the vast majority of iron working cultures lived in tectonically stable areas; this means that most iron comes in the form of "veins", large concentrations of the base metal that is comparatively easy to smelt for further use. In contrast, Japan was and still is tectonically unstable, with substantially higher levels of earthquakes and (admittedly minor) volcanic activity. Except for a VERY small number of locations, most of the iron in Japan comes in the form of "iron sand", pulverized and stirred up by Mother Nature twerking like an idiot. Thus, while the iron in Japan was frequently of decent or better quality, making a sword out of it usually required a shitload more work just to gather up all of that sand and make it stick together into one coherent object that wouldn't just fall apart. This is also the primary reason why katanas usually had a comparatively soft metal core surrounded by a much harder metal edge; in addition to making a better weapon, it's logistically easier in this context to have a bunch of different sources providing whatever iron is available, instead of waiting around on one single source to get enough shit together.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too.

The problem with metal is that the harder the metal is, the more brittle it is, as less ductility means less opportunity for the blade to distribute the force it suffers while striking, via deformation. Thus, since all the striking force is concentrated on that single point alone, with no way to even it out, it's more likely that the metal's integrity will fail to a point where it will simply shatter. It's kind of like punching window glass, which like hard metal is brittle and not ductile, repeatedly; the glass will eventually shatter due to similar reasons.

A hard blade maintains a sharp edge but chips easily, whereas a soft edge is less sharp but is easier to repair and is overall less brittle. You do not want a sword that is made from very hard metal: the moment you strike something or someone you risk having your sword snap in half, meaning you're screwed. You do not want a very soft sword either: it would pretty much fold in half upon striking a target. Some swords are made to utilize this aspect, and refrain from use STRIKING motions but rather slicing nicks. Even when laminating (layering) the metals you use, you get a weapon that can be of very high quality, but not as extreme as "three times as hard/sharp." Unless you are a wizard, this simply is not possible.

To their credit, the Japanese made use of these qualities by making blades with comparatively thick, softer metal cores surrounded by a thin, very hard metal edge. Any strike that was deeper than a nicking cut would transfer most of the impact to the soft core, reducing the chances of breaking the edge. That being said, the blades were still somewhat fragile; any blade-to-blade contact would likely snap or permanently deform the sword, which is why kendo and other Japanese sword styles teach you to PARRY, not block, with the SIDE of the blade. Furthermore, this technique of using different types and qualities of iron in the same weapon was not at all unique to the Japanese.

Additional consideration: you know what's way sharper than any metal blade? A blade made of glass. They're the go-to choice for cutting ultra-thin anatomical sections for microscopes. But glass isn't used for weapons because it's so brittle. This illustrates the logical extension of the above point, i.e. the sharper you get, the more delicate you get.

There's also another problem with this sentence; namely, the implication that European swords were inadequate. This is actually a misconception derived from the fact that most medieval European swords to survive were never intended for battlefield combat in the first place (ceremonial and display pieces are more likely to survive since they're meant to be preserved rather than used, while practice swords were generally kept in storage when not in use), so of course they wouldn't be very useful in a real fight. Close analysis of surviving battle swords reveals that they were generally well-balanced and sharp, perfectly suitable for use as weapons of war.

Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Unless you have arms like Zangief from Street Fighter or happen to be dæmonically possessed by a malevolent entity, you're not going to slice a fully armored knight in half. Even a heavy battle axe, which is designed for chopping through armor using its massive weight and blade, cannot hope to do this. It will penetrate the plate armor and give the wearer a serious wound with the right amount of force and momentum, but it won't cleave right through the knight in question. Granted, you might slice an arm or a head off with some precision and good momentum since armor on the limbs and neck are usually thinner, or only protected by their mail vests, and the flesh and bone around those parts there are neither as thick nor as dense as the ones found on a torso, but that's about as much dismemberment you get. The same for the katana.

Knights had this tendency to fight from horseback: the footmen were high-paid commoners. You and your two-handed sword don't have the reach nor chopping power. Also, while samurai also fought on horseback, much like knights, they tended to brandish their spears, polearms, and bows first and only resorted to their swords in a duel between enemy leaders or as a sidearm if they happen to lose their long pointy sticks, much like knights. And this is all assuming we're not taking guns into account; by the time katanas were widespread throughout the samurai, black powder firearms were less than a century away.

Even then, you're not going to cut a fully-armored knight in half: disregarding the objections from the guy himself you simply cannot cut through armor like that. This is not you being a pussy: this is physics. Even if you could force your body to move with enough speed and strength to do so you'd probably break your arms or catch fire or something from the strain/energy involved. If you are facing with someone in full plate you'd be better served with a war pick, a hammer or another weapon designed to pierce or otherwise circumvent the armor through brute force. Plate armor is good at keeping swords away—it's what it was designed for. It is true that katanas could cut through Japanese armors, but that is less the quality of the sword and more about the armor being made of leather in a lamellar pattern.

And lastly, the myth of a single masterwork sword cutting suits of armor in half can be found in every steel-working civilization the world over, not just Japan.

There is some evidence that certain sword masters could cut (as opposed to simply smashing) through metal armor like chainmail, but if you're that bloody good why the fuck would you waste your weapon on solid steel plate when you could strike for a weak spot like the neck or other joints?

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction.

Or they were smart enough to avoid the classic blunder of fighting a land war in Asia. Remember that going to war with Japan during this time period would mean trekking across all of mainland Russia and China (which is actually way worse than it sounds; pre-modern armies relied on transporting food by boat or stealing it from the locals, and the steppes of Eurasia are generally very dry and very sparsely populated) to get to Korea, then building boats and going from there (which, as the Mongols discovered, is not a very smart idea). Not to mention the logistical nightmare or the reason anyone in Europe would want to do that. An army fights on its stomach, and imagine stretching supply lines that long, making it ever more prone to bandits and other dangers. More to the point, medieval Europe didn't know Japan existed; as far as they were concerned, the Far East was where spices, silk, and Mongols came from, and that was about it. Even if they had been aware of Japan, they were too busy dying of the plague, fighting the Muslims for the Holy Land, or fighting each other over stupid bullshit like where the pope should live to be interested in leading a war of conquest against a country on the far side of the world.

Also, when the Mongols, Chinese and Koreans were being invaded constantly by Japan, throughout centuries no less, they still easily defeated them on land through use of firearms and grenades. Back then, samurai were stupid little fucks who went in front of an army to address their origin and titles blah blah and fought with the other guy samurai with equally unnecessarily flowery armor. Samurai are the warrior equivalent of marsupials; they developed in isolation and never faced the cultural mosh-pit of Europe and Asia that would have otherwise forced them to adopt more practical methods (i.e., shields). They never had experience fighting a war like it was fought on the main continent; as soon as they came forward to address the Chinese they were laughed at and got a cannonball greeting. The men aren't there to die stupid deaths just for a romanticized line in a novel or a general to pin another a medal on his chest. Because winning the war is hardly the end of it: every man standing and not reduced to a cripple or a rotting carcass is going home and resuming to be a part of your national production, especially when technology played far less roles than today in improving the overall production.

What's more, up until the late 19th and early 20th century, the majority of Japanese "invasions of the mainland" were not actually invasions at all; they were acts of piracy. While they frequently came out the victors in the sorts of quick-and-dirty skirmishing that are the hallmarks of pirate raids, they very rarely fought anything that could actually be called a WAR against anyone from the mainland.

Plus few people know that ever since their first appearance, samurai actually are shown using huge ass bows from horseback more often than fighting up close, and if they did they often resorted to naginata (halberds) or yari (spears), with the katana being a weapon of last resort, similarly to how many European and Middle Eastern armored cavalry used lances more frequently than swords. Aside from a few outliers like the Shimazu of the Sengoku era, the vast majority of samurai considered the katana, aside from its spiritual focus, to be just another weapon of war, and frequently not the correct tool for the task at hand. So much for katana + samurai fanwank.

For the samurai the katana was more of a spiritual weapon stemming from Buddhist principles: by mastering the sword one masters oneself. This creates an interesting comparison between how weapons in the West and in Japan are seen: for a knight his arming sword was but a tool, but for a samurai a katana was an extension of the self. This is mostly how it works in Japan, though: the nation is not a good example to represent all of Asia or even East Asia. Japan is as the island weirdos as the British are among European countries. Japan is a special case in Asia where militants were always in power (Shogunates). In the mainland, either money or scholarliness earned you a position in society (Imperial Examinations), as it should; a man worshiping a tool that kills would easily have been seen as a barbarous dumbass or bandit. Carrying a sword around would get you arrested for "militant attempt to raise arms to overthrow the authority" just like you would also be today if you were walking around pointing a gun at random people without provocation. And after Japan was united and the feudal age ended in the 16th century, peace-time samurai officials became more and more like modern-day office workers; they still carried at least wooden swords for signs of their office.

To further dismiss this katana/Japanese fanwank, after the entirety of the Japanese united during the Edo period, there was a marked decline of the samurai due to Japan not having strife with constant internal warfare, thus the role of the samurai (as said before) has been turned into a more political entity. And with the arrival of firearms... Furthermore, in response on the notion of "Europeans don't want to invade Japan because Samurai=Awesome!", before the First Sino–Japanese war, Japan has constantly tried to invade/go to war with China, but FAILING it in the process, similar to Failbaddon's "Crusades". There was a reason why nobody took the Japanese seriously before 1905 (When they won the Russo-Japanese war, although this isn't saying much as Russia had jack shit military in that area and was being lead by an absolute military asshat), with the Chinese mocking/being complete dicks to them and the Europeans looking down at them.

With that in mind, neither of them used those swords as their primary battlefield weapon.

Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

Or because they were the enemy leadership and killing them upset the chain of command and demoralized the troops on the ground, on top of their stubborn tendency to march before the grunts they were leading simply because it looked cooler (such things were often top priority in the Imperial Japanese Army, as it was headed by men who would make Boreale cry tears of joy). Unlike Japan, every other major power learned that fighting like pre-World War I style armies were tactically outdated 3 decades ago.

It doesn't take a history professor to know what usually happened when they started a BANZAAAAAAIII!!! charge. With bayoneted rifles with no bullets and no armor support? Into the lines of the best-equipped and best-fed army in the world backed by the one of the best industries, equipped with SMGs, standard issue, semi-auto rifles, machine guns and grenades that—surprise, surprise—don't explode the moment you pull the pin?

It should also be noted the "military katanas" issued for officers at this time weren't too far from a decorative sword given an edge and point, used more for symbolism, scaring their own soldiers, and executions than any practical use in combat.

Furthermore, the best katanas at that time were carved from railroad tracks since the fucking Chinese were blowing up every—single—thing that the Japanese were thought to get their short, grubby little hands on. These should give you a nice idea of the overall quality of said weapons (read: not very high). Further hilarity includes Chinese Dadao swords (which are like giant meat-cleavers/sabers) LOLstopping Japanese officers with katanas, and sometimes even breaking the damn katana in the process (to further give you the clue on hilarity, the Dadao itself was made from railroad tracks and it was mass produced too, meaning large amounts of Chinese soldiers and militias were equipped with one). That's not even going into the fact that Imperial Japan had the most shitty weapons compared to every other Axis force and even Allied nations. Only the Italians had debatably worse gear than the Japanese.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system.

They really aren't. They're not bad, indeed they're really quite good (if you're looking at one made by an actual weaponsmith, and not a troll selling crappy overpriced pot-metal to stupid weeaboos), but they're just not the end-all sharp metal stick that they are hyped to be. They were good for the local needs of the land of their origin, having only to deal with foes with light armor or overly flowery lamellar armor that folded like so much origami when not worn on a body. And we deserve a better system than d20.

Katanas do deserve this, though. Both Chinese and Korean generals, their coastlines suffering from rampant Japanese pirate raids, saw merit in katanas and incorporated them in their armories. But its just one weapon among many, since you're still talking to guys who have dual-stage rockets, matchlock rifles, various explosives (including rudimentary grenades and mines), flamethrowers and automatons (used in fancy courts as novelty items), so a simple sword is all "meh" to the Chinese/Koreans. It's funny because apparently there was no such thing as "hype" for them: its just a noteworthy weapon that has its uses. Little did they know some weird West-folk (and sadly, most of the populace brainwashed by Hollywood if not just anime) in the 20th century would buy into some fantasy where they would jump at the opportunity to replace entire national armories with only katanas... much to the Chinese's eternal dismay.

One last note: it should be pointed out that a) comparing a katana and an arming sword is like comparing an Imperial Plasma pistol and a T'au pulse pistol, the katana is a weapon wielded by a small elite and a symbol of status, the arming sword is a sidearm worn by everyone and their gran. The fact that the katana is not much more impressive, to say the least, just goes to show that it's not the Best Weapon EVAR its reputation suggests. Also, a bronze sword can cut through steel sheet, that is not impressive. Here's a British fellow talking some more about katanas

Make sure to collect the delicious RAGE tears your weaboo no-friends are going to shed after showing them this.

TL;DR: some guys took Samurai Jack way too seriously.

A TWEEST[edit]

A coupling of two copypasta!
A coupling of two copypasta!
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