List of /tg/ Cuisine

This article is delicious. Do not fuck it up.

Let's be fair, people. There are times when Meatbread just doesn't fucking cut it and you want some delicious edibles that are a bit more substantial than that. Not to worry; today, we have just that. This ongoing article (which will be updated regularly) will teach you how to make a shitton of good food that you can nom on and enjoy. At least until /ck/ comes back...

Stew of Manliness

Creator: This idiot.

Need a fucking good meal that won't take forever and is satisfying as fuck? Look no further.

Stuff You Need:

• 1 can Beef or Turkey Chili (Beans or no beans - we're not prejudiced!)
• 1 can sliced or diced potatoes (Alternately: 1 fresh sliced or diced potato)
• Half a can of Khorne
• 1 Lb Ground Beef
• Hamburger Seasonings (I recommend a mix of about half a teaspoon each of pepper and salt)
• Onion Powder
• Cheddar Cheese, Shredded

Optional Stuff:

• Onion, Chopped
• 1 small can baked beans
• Half a can of carrots

Cooking This Shit:

• Ground beef: Break up, season, and cook up in a skillet frying pan whatever the fuck you cook beef on.
• Canned taters: drain and throw in with chopped onion (if you're even using one), frying 'em up with the beef.
• Give the entire fucking lot a dusting of Onion Powder whilst it fries up.
• At the same time, heat the Chili up and mix in the corn, beans (if you're using them), and veggies (again, if you're using them).
• Mix in the beef and such from the previous step once it's reasonably well cooked, and stir that fucker up and heat it thoroughly.
• Top with shredded cheddar cheese and let it sit for about 5 minutes before eating.

Easy Dessert, /tg/-Style

Creator: This idiot.

Quick, easy, inexpensive, surprisingly good on a budget.

Stuff You Need:

• 1 can Cherry Pie filling, frozen in can
• half a can of Hershey's chocolate syrup
• A tablespoon of rum extract (or rum if you prefer)
• A blender

Cooking This Stuff:

• Toss the contents into a blender and shred this shit until the contents are more-or-less smooth.
• Pour it into a shallow dish and let it sit in the freezer for about an hour or two (or until it's solid).
• Shave off some into a bowl with a spoon and then eat that motherfucker like ice cream.

Birds and Biscuits

Creator: Goddamnit this guy again.

Sometimes /tg/ needs dinner. Sometimes it gets it.

Stuff You Need:

• 1 package refrigerated ready-to-cook Biscuits (Pillsbury Grands work particularly well)
• 1 can of canned chicken
• A half a can of mixed vegetables
• 8-ounce package of chives and onion cream cheese
• 1 can of cream of chicken soup
• 1 cup milk
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder

Cooking This Stuff:

• In a skillet (the faggot who made this recipe uses an electric skillet) or frying pan, grill up the canned chicken. Shouldn't take long.
• Grab a pot and combined the Cream of Chicken Soup, Milk, and Garlic powder, stirring it and heating that shit up until it boils.
• Add the package of cream cheese. Stir it in until it's fully melted.
• Add the vegetables and skillet-fried canned chicken, stirring it and toning down the heat so that shit thickens up.
• Shut the heat off after it starts to thicken up and cover the dish. It'll thicken up more over a few minutes.
• Cook up the biscuits, following the directions on the package if necessary.
• Slice the biscuits and use 'em as sandwich rolls, serving a bit of the chicken-mix on them.
• Makes enough for quite a few servings. Enjoy.

Mini-Meatbreads

Creator: Long Since Lost to the Sands of Time.

A slightly different means to make you some Meatbread.

Stuff You Need:

• 1 Pound of Ground Beef
• 1 Pound of Ground Sausage
• 2 packaged of Crescent Rolls
• Seasonings of your choosing (most of /tg/ favors a mix of onion powder, pepper, and salt)
• Cheddar Cheese (Shredded)
• Mozzarella Cheese (Shredded)

Some Other Stuff You Can Use:

• Parsley
• Oregano
• Parmigiano Cheese
• Chopped and fried or sauteed onions
• Mushrooms

Cooking This Stuff:

• This is going to take a bit, so be ready for it.
• Combine the ground beef and ground sausage in a big container, mixing it thoroughly and adding any pre-cooking spices you favor.
• Once thoroughly mixed, form the meat into small balls and cook thoroughly.
• Break out the Crescent Rolls.
• Sprinkle a bit of cheese and any secondary ingredients onto an uncooked Crescent Roll.
• Add a cooked mixed-meat ball (from step 3), and roll the cheese-loaded dough tightly around the meatball to make a sort of pocket around it.
• Arrange a bunch of these fucking things on a baking sheet.
• Bake that shit at 350'F for about 20 minutes or until golden brown.
• Allow to cool for a few minutes before serving.
• Great for when you have company and wish to share delicious Meatbread with friends.

Sliders of Fiery Manliness

Creator: User:Warpspiderfag

Sometimes, you want a ton of mini burgers. Like, ten mini burgers. Sometimes you want your ten mini burgers to firebomb your mouth out. Sometimes you're a man. Well, here you go.

Stuff You Need:

• 1 lb ground beef
• Shredded Mozzarella Cheese, to taste
• 1 Jalapeno pepper
• 0.5 Habanero peppers
• Tabasco Sauce, to taste
• Frank's Red Hot Sauce, to taste
• Ketchup, to taste

Some Other Stuff You Can Use:

• Garlic powder
• Onion Flakes
• Paprika
• Old Bay
• NaCl

Cooking This Stuff:

• Take the ground beef. Put that shit in a bigass mixing bowl.
• VERY FINELY chop the Jalapeno and Habanero together. DO NOT TOUCH EYES, MOUTH OR PENIS FROM NOW ON.
• Dump peppers into bowl with Beef. Mix in cheese, sauces, and ketchup.
• Mush all that shit together with your hands. Unless you're a bitch.
• Shape into sliders. Kinda like meatballs. Hell, shape them into burgers if you want. Make sure everything's mixed.
• Grill that shit until it's done to your mantastic liking.

Extra Advice:

• Seriously, don't fucking touch your eyes. You'll scream like a small child. (Bullshit. It is a GOOD pain)

Ass-Chowder

Creator: Desperate People

Some days, standard cheese dip just won't cut it. You need MEAT and PAIN. Enter Ass-Chowder.

Summoning the Meat and Cheese Gods

• Cook 3 lbs. ground beef until brown (keep juices if you are a manly fa/tg/uy.
• In a crock pot meltdown 2 blocks of Velveeta Cheese shit (NO OTHER CHEESE WILL DO YOU FOOLS!)
• 1/2 Gal of Salsa (preferably Picante)
• Add 20 oz of Jalapenos or serrano peppers (or to taste) to CHEESE
• Add 12 FL. OZ. OF TABASCO to CHEESE (If you really enjoy pain, try Dave's Insanity or Blair's Death)
• Mix in beef until done, set to simmer. IT'S READY FOR THE DEVOURING

After eating be prepared to shit razors. This stuff is hot. This crap will burn it's way through your colon and out into the toilet bowl. Enjoy.

Satan's Cheese Cock

Creator: Jerry Seinfeld The 3rd

In perspective, the Satan's Cheese Cock might be too much for one man to handle but with proper training, you too can take it in the ass.

Summoning Vectrex Specifications

• 6 Pounds of Velveeta Cheese
• 6 Pounds of Monterey Jack Cheese, Spicy Kind Only.
• 66 Hotlink Sausages, They must be Habanero Style.
• About a quart and a half of black rooster blood, Chilled in a refrigerator.

Conjuring Ritual

• First you need to take the chilled black rooster blood and boil it in a black iron skillet until you get a nice congealed reduction.
• Before adding your cheese, be sure to chop it up into manageable pieces, otherwise it will cook slowly and unevenly, leading to burning.
• In the same skillet take your 6 pounds of Velveeta and melt them down, mixing in the reduction of the black rooster blood.
• As with the Velveeta take your Monterey and melt it down in the same skillet.
• Let the mixture similar until the desired consistency is reached.
• Take large syringe with a big enough needle to take the cheese mixture into it.
• Now inject all the Hotlink sausages with the cheese mixture, be careful of over injecting.
• Fry the sausages in grape seed oil to cook them thoroughly.

These Cheese Cocks are a popular party favor for many people attending a WarHammer40k game night or for any occasion. Failure to follow the recipe might cause an anomaly where Beelzebub is summoned and he bores deep inside your anus to start a franchise taco restaurant. Prayer and exorcisms may be recommended (Is black rooster blood a hot sauce, or just a joke?) (He probably means actual rooster blood like wot to make pudding with)

Snack Plate

By Biggus Berrus

Having the guys over for game night and want to serve some snack up, but you don't want to turn your game books or minis to turn into messy orange blobs? That's okay! Gather the following:

• Any kind of food that can be eaten in one bite and can be put on a toothpick. Slices of meat, tiny sausages, blocks of cheese, small pickles, bits of fish: you name it.
• Toothpicks.
• A plate to serve it on.

How to prepare:

• Put whatever you want to serve on a plate to serve on. Heat stuff if needed, pour away any present liquids that might come with certain items.
• Add whatever condiments you want at the side or in seperate small scales.
• Put toothpicks through every single item on the scale. Another option would be giving every player their own toothpick and tell them to recycle, but this might result in players having to lean over the table trying to get something on it.
• Serve. Keep additional picks at the side to stab that chucklefuck who spilled mustard on your Hive Tyrant in the eyeballs.

40 Fucking Cloves and a Chicken, Motherfucker

Creator: Some Transylvanian peasant, fuck, I don't know.

This one takes time to make, but is completely delicious. If you disagree, GOTCHA YOU BASTARD!

Stuff You Need:

• 1 chicken, cut into 8 pieces (Or if you live in a first world nation, buy 8 chicken thighs. It's the best part anyway.)
• Salt, ideally kosher for texture
• Black pepper
• Lots of toast or dry, crusty bread
• 2 tablespoons plain olive oil (Not extra-virgin; get the slutty oil.)
• 5 sprigs of fresh thyme
• 1/2 cup olive oil (Yeah, it's on here twice. Different uses.)
• 40 peeled cloves of garlic (What, you thought the name was an exaggeration?)

Cooking This Shit:

• Heat your oven to 350 degrees.
• Season the chicken pieces with as much salt and pepper as you like, then use the 2 tablespoons of oil to coat them evenly on all sides.
• Pan-fry your chicken on high heat until it's nice and brown. Should take 5 to 7 minutes a side. When they're all tanned, take it off the heat.
• If your pan is oven-safe, pour in the rest of the oil and add the garlic and thyme. If it's not, put the oil, garlic, and thyme in a ceramic baking dish and move the chicken into the dish.
• IMPORTANT: Make sure the garlic cloves and thyme are swimming in the oil at this point, not piled on top of the chicken. Otherwise you'll lose most of the thyme's flavor and your cloves will shrivel.
• Cover your fry-pan/baking dish (aluminum foil works if you don't have a proper topper) and pop it in the oven for 90 minutes. Clean up your kitchen and have a cold drink or something.
• Take the pan/dish out of the oven and let it sit for 15 minutes with the cover on.
• Bring the pan/dish to the table and FEAST! The chicken will be tender, flavorful, and juicy, and the garlic cloves should be plump and soft, perfect for spreading on your toast/bread. Don't forget to dredge your toast/bread in the delicious greasy juices!

Slop

Creator: The aunt of Moon Dew.

Not fancy, but quick and easy to make, and delicious. This is the basic recipe, but feel free to add in whatever you want to it.

Stuff You Need

• 1 lbs. ground beef (20% fat preferred.)
• One bag of shredded pizza mix cheese
• One packet of mini pepperoni
• One packet of cubed ham
• One packet of crumbled bacon
• One small jar of pizza sauce (I personally prefer Classico, but use what you like.)

Cooking This Shit

• Cook the ground beef in a large pan until brown.
• Add in the mini pepperoni, cubed ham, and crumbled bacon and cook for a minute.
• Add in the pizza sauce, cook for another minute or so.
• Add in the cheese, cook until melted.

Eating This Shit

• Scoop some up in a bowl, grab a spoon and your favored drink, and dig in!

Artery Hardening Death Cake

Creator: Because

Stuff You Need

• 100g margarine
• 6 tablespoons of Golden Syrup (or if you're insufficiently Bri'ish, maple syrup, honey or light corn syrup works too)
• 300 grams of chocolate
• 200 grams of digestive biscuits (or graham crackers if you're American)
• 200 grams of Malteezers (Whoppers in North America)
• 200 grams of chopped glace cherries if desired (aka candied cherries, but you can use dried cherries)

Cooking This Shit

• Melt 100g of Margarine, 6 tablespoons of Golden Syrup & 300grams of chocolate in a pan and a low heat
• Add 200grams of crushed digestive biscuits & 200grams of Malteezers.
• Add chopped glace cherries if desired

Pour mix into tin layered with foil and leave in fridge to harden

Eating This Shit

• Chop into blocks and eat as many as arteries can handle. For extra Britishness, eat while watching Doctor Who and listening to the Beatles or whatever it is that British people do.

Farsight Enclaves Ration Pot

Creator: Some rebellious Gue'vesa asshole

In all seriousness, it's a Korean stew called Budae-jjigae. Deliciously spicy and easy as all hell to make and customize. Serves 4 and should only take around half an hour to make at the most.

Stuff You Need:

• 4 cups of chicken stock (doesn't have to be fancy; use the cheapest stock you can find)
• 200 grams of Spam, thinly sliced (common around the US military bases at the time)
• 4 cocktail sausages, thinly and diagonally sliced
• 250 grams of tofu, sliced into 1/2 inch thick pieces
• 200 grams of enoki mushrooms, base stem removed and stems separated
• 200 grams of king oyster mushrooms, thinly sliced lengthways
• 100 grams of shiitake mushroom caps, thinly sliced
• 1/2 cup ripened red (Baechu) kimchi (preferably the traditional cabbage kimchi, but radish kimchi works fine too as long as it's the spicy red kind)
• 110 grams of instant ramen noodles (about a pack and a half, or 4 oz. for those suffering from freedom units)
• 50 grams of Korean rice cakes (make sure it's not the dessert kind but the kind meant for soup. If it's frozen then soak in cold water for 15 minutes to thaw)
• 30 grams of green onion, thinly and diagonally sliced
• 2 slices of (preferably American) cheese
• 2 tablespoons of Korean chili flakes (Gochugaru)
• 2 tablespoons of rice wine (mirin)
• 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon of minced garlic
• 1/2 tablespoon of white sugar
• 1/2 tablespoon of Korean chili paste (Gochujang)
• ground black pepper to taste

Cooking this stuff:

• Mix the chili flakes, rice wine, soy sauce, garlic, sugar, chili paste, and black pepper in a small bowl. This'll be the sauce of the stew.
• Throw most of the dry ingredients (except for the ramen noodles, rice cakes, green onions and cheese) into a shallow pot, and add the sauce you made to the middle.
• Pour in the chicken stock from the edge of the pot.
• Put a lid on top and boil on medium-high heat for about 8 minutes.
• Add the remaining ingredients (noodles, rice cakes, green onions and cheese) on top of the pot and boil uncovered until the noodles are cooked (about 2-3 minutes).
• If you're cooking on a portable burner at the kitchen table/campsite (which you really should be), reduce the heat to low after the noodles are done.

Eating this stuff:

• Scoop freshly-cooked white rice into individual soup bowls if you've got some, and be sure to leave room in the bowl to pour your stew into. Garnish the rice with black sesame seeds if you're an aristocrat.
• Eat the noodles first because they soak up a lot of liquid pretty quickly; you'll want to enjoy them when they're still al dente and not when they're disgustingly floppy and falling apart.
• This stew is a gift that keeps on giving: Feel free to leave it simmering on low heat and top it off with more stock as it boils down (this is where using a portable burner comes in handy).

Protips

• When handling the spicy ingredients (kimchi, chili flakes/paste), don't be a dumbass and touch anything that doesn't respond well to capsaicin (eyes, asscrack, dick, etc.)... at least not before washing your hands.
• If you're actually good at cooking you can try making your own chicken stock from scratch, but in my opinion it's really not worth it given how many other flavors will be in the stew. This is meant to be cheap as balls and trying to fancify it goes against the point of the dish.
• You can substitute beef stock for the chicken stock (although why would you?). However, beef stock is quite a bit salty for this stew and so you should dilute it somewhat with water (1 cup of water for 1 cup of beef stock).
• In all honesty, you can customize this dish a lot. Don't like mushrooms? Substitute peppers instead. Add udon noodles if you prefer that to ramen noodles. Add more cheese if you want to, or leave it off altogether. It's your stew, do whatever the fuck you want with it.

Easy rice with eggs and cheese (no, pls try it I swear it's delicious)

Creator: An eurpean guy, who actually cooks stuff

It's fast and easy to make, but will make you feel like you are some elite chef.

Stuff You Need

• Bit of oil
• 4-6 eggs depending on the size
• a cup of rice
• 300g grated cheese, best if you mix different ones.
• salt, pepper
• turmeric, marjoram, oregano, basil
• 1 onion, and a few cloves of garlic (optional)

Cooking This Stuff

• Cook the rice. Put some oil into a pot, pour in the rice, and stir it on medium heat until all the rice are kind of opalesque. Then pour in 2 cups of water, add some salt, cover it and cook until the rice is soft, but do not make it dry. You can skip the first part if you don't mind your rice to be a sludgey mess, which is absolutely not a problem for this food. Or if you are using instant rice.
• Scramble the eggs, you can definitely put salt in it now if you want. Those who say otherwise are wrong and don't know shit about the chemistry of cooking. (A bold statement, given that it absolutely does fucking matter and the author of this recipe does not understand the science of cooking.)
• Chop the onions and the garlics (if you use them), fry them in a large frying pan (a smaller wok works best).
• Pour the rice into the frying pan and turn the heat to maximum.
• If the rice is hot as hell pour in then eggs and start stir it like a mfer.
• When you feel like the eggs are kind of cooked turn the heat down to medium and add the cheese. The more cheese you use the better it is.
• Add in the spices, use turmeric profusely but carefully, it is awesome with rice but too much can ruin any food.
• Cook on medium heat and regularly stir it until you feel like the eggs are safe to consume, but do not make it dry.

Eat it while it's warm. This amount is probably enough for 2-3 servings. If you don't want to eat it in one go it will be still delicious after you heat it in a microwave.

Savory, Fancy Meat Bun

Creator: Likes to eat and try new things

When ordinary meatbread is too boring, salty, and/or dry, try these for a change of pace. Serve with something that will cut through the richness: beer, dry red wine, Coca-Cola, or lemon ice tea. Alternatively, fill the pastry with jam and whipped cream (storebought or homemade) for dessert. Fill the pastry with anything, really, but remember that it is a delicate creampuff-style dough and can't hold, say, curry or chili.

Choux Pastry

• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup water + 1/2 cup whole milk OR 1 cup water
• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/2 teaspoon salt or MSG
• 4 large eggs, beaten
• 1 egg beaten with 1 tablespoon of water (egg wash)

Cooking

In a medium-sized saucepan, combine butter, water/water+milk, and salt, all over medium heat. Stir until the butter melts.

Bring the mixture to a simmer and then reduce heat to low.

Add flour and stir until flour is completely incorporated and a dough ball forms.

Mash the ball against the bottom and sides of the pan for 1 minute to cook the flour.

Remove from the heat and transfer dough to a stand mixer or mixing bowl. Allow to cool for a few minutes but not to get cold.

Set mixer to low speed and slowly add 1/4 of the beaten eggs. Beat for 30 seconds. Do 2 more times; you should have 1/4 of the eggs left over.

Add the remaining beaten eggs very slowly until a shiny, thick, smooth batter forms. If you have any egg remaining, add it to the egg wash.

Preheat oven to 400°F (204°C). Line 2 baking pans with parchment paper and lightly brush with water.

Scoop the pastry dough out into small lumps with about 2 1/2" of space between them.

Using a wet finger, smooth down any peaks.

Lightly brush each mound with your egg wash. This will give the puffs a beautiful golden crust and crunch. The thickness and amount of your egg wash will affect how dark it gets; leave if off if you just want a pale yellow pastry.

Bake pastry for 20 minutes. DO NOT open the oven as the pastries cook; they are like souffles and cold air will prevent them from rising properly.

Reduce oven temp to 350°F (177°C) and bake for 10-15 more minutes until golden brown.

Transfer pastries from oven to cooling racks. Allow them to cool completely before filling.

Lamb Filling

• 1/2 lb boneless lamb roast (such as you might buy from Costco)
• 2 tablespoons butter or ghee
• 4 cloves garlic
• 4 sprigs green onion
• 1 tablespoon cumin
• 2 teaspoons salt or MSG
• Pepper to taste

Cooking

Trim lamb of excess fat; it will not be cooked long enough to properly render.

Slice lamb roast thinly and into strings. This will keep the lamb tender and help it cook quickly.

Slice garlic evenly but not too fine; they will burn too quickly if too small.

Dice green onion.

In your pan, over medium heat, add your butter and let it melt until it begins to bubble.

Add garlic and toast until aromatic.

Add lamb and toss until evenly browned.

Add salt, cumin, and pepper and cook until brown crust begins developing on lamb.

Toss in green onion, toss and cook for 30 seconds more, then remove from heat.

Fill choux pastry with lamb and cover with tinfoil if not eating immediately.

If you add the butter oil from the pan, it will make a richer meatbread but it will be oily. Plan accordingly.

Gallery

"How exactly do you bake a tank?" "Much the same as one bakes any other machine of war." ~/tg/, The Bakening

• 

  The progeny of Scriptarius, delicious it is. "It's good to know I have at least some legacy."

• 

  The progeny of Scriptarius, delicious it is not.