Assholetep

This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up.

CHK-WHRRRRRR.

"An aeons old automaton king... with the petulant impatience and obnoxious tantrums of a 7 year old child."

+++ Imperial Star Charts name this world the Tomb World of the Necron Lord, Assholetep the Insufferable, ruler of the Dikh-Ehd dynasty.

RECOMMENDATION: Avoid at all costs. Assholetep is easier to insult than a catty gay hipster at a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men are dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of.

Below are a collection of anecdotes pertaining to the many misdeeds and tantrums of Assholetep the Insufferable.

Anecdotes

>Wakes up.
>Orks looted his favorite Staff of Light.
>Teleports his entire Tombworld's forces to fight a massive WAAAGH!!! three sectors over.
>IG happen to be fighting the Orks.
>Helps them.
>At victory party.
>Planetary-Governor doesn't compliment his new cloak.
>Entire sub-sector devoid of all life the next week.

---

>Fighting Tyranids.
>Rippers won't let him keep them as pets.
>To this day, nobody knows what has been cutting a bloody path through Hive Fleet Kraken.

---

>It's his birthday.
>The Feudal World that hasn't had contact from space in thousands of years forgot.
>Entire population butchered.
>Flayed Ones dance around in rotting flesh and party hats.

---

>At victory Banquet after fending off Hive Fleet Gorgon at Ka'mais.
>Nobody lets him ride in a Crisis Suit.
>MFW we know the real reason for the Harvest of Ka'mais.

---

>Helps IG fight Chaos for rule over a planet.
>Weeks into the campaign.
>Lord Commissar mispronounces his name.
>The Daemon Prince Valshar now rules over Ciruck IV.

---

>Gives Arch-Magos new shiny Necrodermis body.
>Becomes most trusted advisor.
>Years later.
>Forgets to polish his Res Orb for him.
>Magos is melted down and turned into Scarabs. The forgeworld where he grew up is obliterated.

---

>Admech find Assholetep in stasis.
>Praises him and write legends about him.
>Thousands of years later they forget.
>He finds records when he wakes up.
>They haven't edited his page on Admechpedia in 12000 years.
>All forgeworlds in the next five sectors melted to a molten goo.

---

>Hive world is under attack by 'Nids.
>He sees the world being demolished and decides to help.
>After a month of hard combat the 'Nids are all eradicated.
>The citizens thank the lord and ask what he would like in return.
>He asks for a solid gold statue of himself erected in the center of the major city.
>They comply.
>He inspects the work and finds a .5% impurity of silver in the statue.
>The hive world is now a dead world.

---

>Assholetep helping a Forgeworld.
>One of their Titans steps on a single Scarab.
>"What do you mean an entire Titan Legion was eaten by bugs"?

---

>His Tomb Ships assist a fleet based Chapter fight off some Dark Eldar.
>Battle Barge cuts in front of them by accident.
>The Space Hawk Chapter no longer exists

---

>Assholetep fights a Khornate daemonic incursion alongside the Space Marines Chapter, the Knights Sanguine
>During the fight, a member of an Assault Squad accidentally rips Assholetep's cloak with his Lightning claws
>The entire Knights Sanguine chapter and their Fortress Monastery are vapourised
>Every Blood Angels chapter receives a vid-capture of Assholetep in a new cloak made from the Purity Seals of the now-extinct chapter, with every mention of the Emperor crossed out and replaced with Assholetep's name
>The Imperium censors it and hides all evidence, saying the Knights Sanguine were "consumed by war"

---

>Harvesting residents of a local Feral World
>Hears Feral Child has insulted him
>Entire human population besides the child is killed
>The last image of a sentient creature the child sees is Assholetep mooning him

---

>Assholetep is one of the few remaining Lords wearing the original attire
>Always made fun of
>Goes around blowing up other sleeping Tomb Worlds out of spite
>Whispers "Faggots" under his breath every time

---

>Assholetep meets with some Admech
>They compliment him on his wonderful Particle Whip
>Entire Admech presence in five sectors destroyed since they confused his Staff of Light for a Particle Whip

---

>All hot women in a one light year radius suddenly absent from their homes
>Sweet millions-strong rave party on Assholetep's tomb world
>Assholetep tries to score with the hottest chick at the party
>She points out he doesn't have a penis
>Thus did the Great Raveocaust begin

---

>Assholetep meets Angron sometime during the 30,000s
>Both end up severely pissing the other off
>Angron goes on to fuck up Armageddon's shit and thus starting a game of one-upsmanship
>Angron returns from the warp after one hundred years of being trapped in it, only to find Assholetep waiting for him
>Angron is still unable to return from the warp.

---

>Dark Eldar try to settle outside of Commoragh and bump into Assholetep
>Assholetep wants them to compliment his new set of spikes
>Dark Eldar call him not spiky enough
>Ever since then the Dark Eldar have never tried to settle outside of Commorragh again

---

"Hey, Assholetep what are you doing with that tachyon arrow?"

"Just trying something. Watch."

And so Assholetep shot the tachyon arrow way into the past and into the Emperor's back, who had just finished Horus off without a scratch and would have led humanity into a new and golden age of prosperity.

What an asshole.

---

>Silent King arrives at Assholetep's tomb world
>Talks about saving the living and reunifining the Necrons
>Forgets Assholetep's name
>Tyranids are guided by an unseen force and 'om nom 50% of humanity two weeks later

---

>Assholetep meets some Orkz.
>They make fun of his hat.
>All Orkz in the sector now have their asses sewn onto their heads.

---

>Assholetep meets Cryptek.
>Cryptek refuses to let him have a turn with his gadgets.
>Science is now outlawed in the Dynasty of Dikh-Ehd.

---

>Butchering Dark Eldar
>Dark Eldar youth throws shoe at his face.
>Flayed Ones, Flayed Ones everywhere!

---

>Angry Marines and Assholetep's destroyers get into an arguing match over who killed the most Tau.
>It was a tie.
>They proceeded to go to the next world to try to break the tie.
>There are no more Tau.

---

>Blood Ravens are "gifted" wargear from Assholetep.
>They found out they couldn't use it.
>They return the Cryptech to him.
>One has a smudge.
>Necrons confirmed for DoWIII.

---

>Wake up Assholetep.
>"I could ask you for immortality, but that sounds boring, wanna go pick up some bitches"
>Thus reminding him he doesn't have a penis anymore.
>your death would make Slaaneshi daemons wince.

---

>Decides he wants a puppy.
>Goes to Fenris.
>Logan Grimnar refuses to wear his leash.
>Now we know why all of the cyber wolves need replacement limbs.

---

>Imperial hive world in the final stages of Tyranid invasion.
>Assholetep decides to intervene.
>After many months, 'Nids are finally repelled.
>Assholetep discovers a single human family, the sole survivors of the invasion. Not to worry though, the nightmare is over.
>"Ta-da!" Assholetep proclaims proudly with jazz hands outstretched.
>The ungrateful fucks keep crying anyway.
>"I'm fairly sure there used to be a planet here."

---

> He is engulfed in a battle where the Imperial Guard is defensing a bastion which separated a WAAAGH! from the rest of the sector.
> His forces fight greenskins helping the Guard.
> A Guard artillery shell almost hit him.
> Somehow the Orks overrun the defenders and razed the whole sector. Unconfirmed reports claim that before the Orks breakthrough there have been sighted green lights where IG had its defensive positions.

How Others See Him

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleaning my necroteslagaussflayergun he comes in and is all "heh, still not as big as mine" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an asshole.

...

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm unfolding my Tesseract Labyrinth he comes in and is all "Funny how you can get into a toy, but not into a Necrontyr babe's pants" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an asshole.

...

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm playing cards, he burns down several orphanages beats me savagely and forces me to watch an eternity of horrible rap music videos. What an asshole.

...

Silent King here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Each time We are busy being kingly silent, he shows up and goes, "Eh Your Majesty, do you know what ?" And then, after We asked "Wat", he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Trazyn the Infinite here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm recovering relics from a fallen Tomb World he comes in and is all "heh, last night I recovered your mom" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Shadowsun here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm killing aliens for the Greater Good, he's all like "Heh. You know what they say about girls who like big guns," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Space Marine here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm purging the heretics and a battle brother dies and is all Hey, don't worry, he can get back u- Oh wait and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Orikan the Diviner here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time the Stars are Right he comes in and is all "heh, took a Viagra huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Sanguinor, Exemplar of the Host here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleansing the xenos he comes in and is all You know what they say about men with big swords and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Tau water caste ambassador here

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I try to tell him about joining the greater good, he pretends to be interested, wastes my time for an hour then says "The greater good? The greater shit more like" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Dark Eldar Incubi here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I threaten to rape and maim him hes all Not if i rape you first, tinydick" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Fire Dragon Exarch here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I go to polish my Fire Pike he comes in and is all "Compensating for something?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Chapter Master Gabriel Seth here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm tearing a new one on some xenos he comes in and is all "At least my Lord's not a cripple" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Classy Marine here;

Assholetep is such a bunghole. Every time I am subduing heretics like a gentleman, he proclaims, "Hey, gramps, the 1920's called. They want their clothing back ." And then he winks and guffaws through the entirety of the stasis chamber.

What a twat.

...

Brothar Captaen Indrick Boreale here,

Asslholetep is shuch an asslhole. Evry tim I'm dropping somme Stehl Rehn he cumes in and is all "Brothar Captein Tay Zonday did it betta," and wonks and laughs all teh wey down teh stashis chamba.

Whatt an asslhole.

...

Draigo here.

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm leaving the warp, he comes up behind me and says 'you know what they say about burly men who dedicate all their deeds and greatest triumphs to other burly men,' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Ork Sniper here.

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm aiming at renegades as my Lady Inquisitor mistress ordered me, he comes up behind me and says 'you know what they say when a man is shooting his load while furtively looking at burly muscle men in action,' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Cato Sicarius here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleaning my many medals and awards, he comes up to me and says "You forgot your medal for Pederasty," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Gregor Eisenhorn here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm binding Cherubael again, he comes up to me and says "You know when a guy binds another guy" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Space Wolf Long Fang here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm combing my beard, he comes up and is all "Must be hard to get cum out of a white beard huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka here;

Adsholetep iz such an asshole. I led da greatest Waaaagh! dat da galaxy ever seen, an' he comes up an' is all "Iz ya secure in yer manhood, getting kicked off Armo-Geddun just like dat by a squishy old humie wiv a looted powerklaw an' a nice hat?" an' winks an' laughs all da way down iz hole ta nowhere.

wot an asshole.

...

Illuminor Szeas here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I am busy searching for Eldars to kidnap to do experiments to find the secret of the soul with back on Zantragora, he appears out of nowhere and says "You know what they say about men who kidnap women to experiment on" and winks and laughs all the way down the status chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Typhus here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. When I tried to grant him the gifts of Nurgle (murder him horribly with a disease of my own design), he says "That may have worked... if I wasn't immortal!" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Mortarion here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I am destroying carrion-worshipping space marines he comes up and is all "ughh you disgusting moth leper!" And sprays bleach at me

What an asshole

...

Dark Angels Veteran here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm putting on my robes, he comes up and is all "Did they repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell yet?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Inquisitor Lord Coteaz here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm issuing orders to the Jokaero, he comes up and is all "ya know, Bananas are extinct hehe" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Necron Overlord here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I woke up after 64 million years of slumber, and was about to take a spin in my Catacomb Command Barge, when I found out that Assholetep had modified it so that the flying base is going to break like every goddamn day.

What an asshole.

...

Lord Sorcerer Varshask of the Scourged here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. This one time I was getting ready to open a warp rift and then he shows up and goes "So you doing this, is that the warp equivalent of Goatse.cx?" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber, at which point the Lord of Change we summoned yells "JUST AS PLANNED" and the thing fucking explodes.

We never found a body, though, and you just know he's going to show up in like 4 other subsectors across 15 different timezones. Thanks a fucking bunch, Tzeentch.

Both fucking assholes.

...

Trazyn the Infinite here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was polishing and rearranging my relics when he shows up and goes "Hey Trazyn, you sure know how to preserve your relics. I hear you even have your own virginity locked up!" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Angry Marine here;

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Norn Queen here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was backing up into a more comfortable spot to give birth when he shows up and goes, "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" After which he tosses a tub of Ben and Jerry's at me. *Sniff* And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Abbadon the Despoiler here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was preparing to go on my 14th black crusade and he shows up and goes, "going on another black crusade? better get arm insurance!" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Creed here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Each time I'm smoking my big black (brown) cigar to show off my contempt to the Black Legion, he shows up and goes, "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar - Sigmund Freud" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLEtep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Vulkan He'stan here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Whenever I'm smiting the Empra's foes with my bolter he comes up and says "Why aren't you holding that sideways?" then winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

Assholetep is such an asshole. Each time I'm dressing like a catty gay hipster for a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of, he shows up and goes, "You know when their is an easily insulted catty gay hipster at a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. I'm not insulted.

What an asshole.

...

Eldrad Ulthran here;

"Assholetep is a great guy. You know, for a Necrontyr. You'd like him. I already invited him to that party you're throwing, so be grateful."

What a dick.

...

Anrakyr the Traveller here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time Im fighting tyranid fleets he comes up and says "Whats the matter? Could'nt find any Blood Angels to help you?" then winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Chaos Spawn here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time im being wrangled he comes up and says "Hows being a Daemon Prince working out for you?" then winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Trazyn the Infinite here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I’m reapplying for citizenship of Mandragora he comes up and says "You know what they say about men who get banned from places after yanking at another man’s staff." then winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

**Ş̧̨̛͚͓͖̫͉̮̦̭̘͕̻ͅS̵̷̴͍͔̠̘̹̀͞ͅS̵̸͓͖̝̫̣̫̗̱͖̰̗̣̼̰̣̤͟͜S̵̛̳̫̱̪̪͈͚̦͖͙̝̯̫͙ͅS̸̭͓̲̞͇̰͍͍̠͇̙̞̕͞Ş̶̠̳͚̙̣̞̯̺̭́͘͠Ś̢̰̯͇̖̩̬̯̭͈͎͞ͅ W̨̬̟̜̱̭̹̙̗͡ͅͅͅH̸̷̳̠̜̤̤͈̼̱͉̯̟̫̥̹̜͓̮̲͓͟͝Á̸͏̛͎̝̹̯̤̦͖͍͙͝ͅT̖̬͖̥͚͉͚͚̺̻͎̬͈̤͕́͞͝ ̸̞̱̹͎̝̣̱̪̘̦̠͢͠͞A҉̸̢̞̠̭̜̠͚͉̫̪̦̪͚͕͉͚͠ͅǸ̷͈̭͕̭͕͓̳ ̷͕̹̮̹͞Ą̶̨̰̳͇̝̘̝͖͚͓̲͎̰͚̞͢͢Ş͉̞͉̘̘̮̟̺͔̱̱̠͟S̛̖̖̺̼̱̮̭͈̭̞͍̱̬̪̙̻̥̯͢S̝̦̯̝̗̩͚̀S̪̗͙͎̠͚̀͘͢͟͝S̢͕͇̟͎̻̤͓̲̦͘͘Ş̴̧͎̣̺̰̫̤͙̮͖̰͕̠̭͖̬͢͟H̩̰̠̲͔͉̺͚̤̥͕̖̦̫̼̰͓̝͠ͅO̴͙̹̱̞̺̭̣̪̮̞̤̦̟͢Ḷ̸̷̝̖̜̦̟̥̲́̕͡ͅE̡͔͎̫̱̰͔̻̠͎͉̳͇̘͎͔͎͔̥̳͞**

Assholetep here;

I'm such an asshole. Everyday I go and annoy someone in the galaxy, and everytime I wink and then laugh all the way down the stasis chamber.

Good times.

...

Asdrubael Vect here;

Assholetep is hilarious. I kid you not, he turned himself into a pickle and called himself Pickleassholetep. Funniest shit I've ever seen.

Assholetep's daily routine

6:00am:wake u- oh wait he doesn't go to sleep

6:45am:polishes body and checks for rust

7:00am:eats brea- oh wait he doesn't have breakfast

7:50am: goes to anger management class.

7:51am: blows up the company as they said he had anger issues.

7:56am:spams heritical messages to forge worlds and Terra e.g: I crippled your golden corpse with a Tachyon arrow thus making the emperor thrash in pain.

9:00am:polishes cantoptek scabs.

9:30am:throws a house party in the galleries of Solemnace, thus breaking and ruining countless treasures that could have improved the necrons.

10:10am: attempts to spray bleach all over Mortarion calling him a filthy moth.

10:50am: Plays chess with Tzeentch

11:40am: Paints and assembles Ultramarines

12:30pm: puts a stolen Baneblade under Creed’s toilet seat while he’s off eating lunch

1pm: plays snooker with Cypher.

2:20pm:Acts like an asshole

4:30pm:Flicks random switches on the Golden Throne

5:00pm:Asks The Emperor if he’s lost weight recently

6:00pm: Calls a Hive Ship fat

7:10pm: swaps the direction signs in an Emperor-class battleship

8:00pm: Infiltrates a crisis suit hangar and reverses all the controls

8:30pm:

9:00pm: Puts one of Slaanesh's sex toys on The Skull Throne while Khorne is taking a piss

9:01pm: Rages as Slaanesh's sex toy reminds him that he still does not have a penis

9:30pm: Sends Khorne anonymous messages asking him if he liked his new "seat".

10:00pm: Joins a Destroyer Cult

10:30pm: Gets kicked out of Destroyer Cult for being an "Unsavory Character".

11:00pm:partys hard all night

12:30am: goes to sle- oh wait he doesn't sleep

Enjoy 😉 don't do too much per person (Please delete message after this is filled)

Writefaggotry

Brother-Captain Israyal Behradiam stood atop a mountain of destroyed Necron warriors, surveying the battlefield with a weary, sad eye. Across the plains, Imperial Guard, Space marine and Necron bodies carpeted the ground and burnt out husks of Leman Russ Battle Tanks and Chimeras blazed merrily in the fog of the dawn. He was alone now, for his after-battle prayers. But in the devastation, Guardsmen and Apothecaries moved throughout the corpse-strewn wasteland tending to their wounded and ensuring that the defeated Necrons were good and dead. It had been a costly battle but, thankfully, and with the Emperor’s grace, the Necrons had been defeated. “My Emperor,” Behradiam murmured into the mist, as he began reciting the litany of victory, “I thank you this hour for the protection you have granted me in the battle past. I thank you for the victory you have delivered me and my brothers. I thank you for the strength you provided me, with which I have smited your foes. “My Emperor, I would ask you to grant peace and safety on this world. It has seen enough horror for its time. I would ask you protect it and be its guardian and light in the darkness, watch over it and deliver it from evil.” Behradiam fell silent, lips pressed in a thin line, still and unmoving, as he watched the silhouettes of a Guardsmen pick their way through the broken human wreckage on the ground. One Guardsman knelt beside a body and removed something from his flak jacket and laid it on the corpse.

Such waste of life, Behradiam thought. It always pained him to see the aftermath of a battle. Five hundred years of service and still he would look in the mirror after a major battle and see two or three more scars – two or three more lucky escapes – and think of those not so fortunate. Even now he could remember a Guardsman – no, a child, pressed into service to defend his home, only fifteen – screaming and crying as a Necron draped in flesh tore him apart. He knew that child’s face would join millions of others that visited him every night before his rest. Those he couldn’t save. The nameless ghosts that haunted him. He knew that when he returned to the Fortress Monastery the first thing he would do would be to have a shower – scalding hot – where his tears would be indistinguishable from the water and his despair inaudible over the hiss of steam. “I would ask your forgiveness,” Behradiam said, forcing the words past the lump in his throat, “my Emperor, for the lives I have lost. I am not a perfect man, my Emperor, and though I try my hardest, still it is not enough.”

A single tear ran down his face, followed by another. He always chose to be alone after a battle – it did not befit a Brother-Captain to weep. “I try so hard, my Emperor. I do this for you, my Emperor. I sent these men to their deaths for you, my Emperor. I killed them for you. I ask you forgiveness. Please. This sin weighs heavily upon me, my Emperor. Just…” Behradiam choked down a sob. “Just tell me I am doing a good job.” There was a crack and a flash and, through eyes blurred with salt water, Behradiam saw the image of a Necron Lord appear in front of him. Before he could even grab for his bolter, though, the Lord had already struck. The Lord plucked the bolter from his hands and drove his staff deep into Behradiam’s gut. Behradiam was in agony. He had known that the Necron Lord could teleport – hell, the Necron lord had escaped because of that very ability. Why had he been so stupid as to go off alone? Why? Now he was going to pay the price. Any moment now, the killing blow would come. Behradiam would face his death with honour, though. He set his features – all emotions other than steely determination forgotten now. Any moment now the killing blow would come. To his surprise, it did not.

“You,” the Lord spoke, “are a colossal waste of space.” The Lord twisted its staff, sending more waves of pain through Behradiam’s body. Behradiam cursed himself for his weakness – for his foolishness. The Lord’s face didn’t move, but with his dimming consciousness Behradiam swore it seemed to exude more of a… genial, joyous air than it did a few moments ago. The Lord was revelling in this execution. “You know, if I were your Emperor, I wouldn’t forgive you. You’re a hopeless commander, Brother Captain.” “I still,” Behradiam gargled out past the blood in his mouth, “managed to defeat you, Xeno.” “With a casualty rate thirty per cent higher than what I predicted you would incur, and I even factored in natural human stupidity into that. Absolutely pathetic effort, Brother Captain.” The Lord wrenched his staff again, the pain bringing Behradiam back to consciousness as his mind began to slip. “I heard what you said before, Brother Captain. You seem like a man who feels very guilty for his own failings. You should. You’re inability to lead and your stupid decisions got your fellow fleshsacks killed. I put more effort into keeping my soldiers alive than you do, Brother Captain, and my soldiers are mindless machines.” For some perverse reason, Behradiam felt the need to defend himself against this Lord’s verbal onslaught. “I did – cough – my best.” “Not good enough, fleshling. Not good enough at all.” “Good – cough – enough to – cough – defeat you.”

The Lord did not reply. Instead a rod appeared in the hand not holding his staff that crackled with fierce green energy. The Lord hefted the rod and pressed it into Behradiam’s forehead. Searing agony spread throughout Behradiam’s body – the like of which he had never felt before. Not even his short stint in a Dark Eldar ship’s brig had compared to this. Oh, Emperor, the pain! Still, Behradiam did not break. Even as it coursed throughout his body like lava, Behradiam did not cry out. He would endure. He would die with honour and dignity and a pile of other words, like a space marine was supposed to. Behradiam’s mind began to spiral towards blackness. Death and pain were closing in. He could feel the end, the cold. It scared him like nothing before. Behradiam had been afraid – of Tyranids, of Chaos, of the Inquisition – but never like this. The idea of meeting his end filled him with abject terror. He knew the Emperor would not accept him – his failures had been too grievous. The pain and the fear were overwhelming. Behradiam screamed. He screamed and screamed and the tears poured down his face and blood dribbled from his mouth. His voice carried the note of desperation.

“Emperor please, stop! STOP! STOP THE PAIN. I’LL DO ANYTHING, PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. I BEG OF YOU. EMPEROR PLEASE, WHY DO YOU ABANDON ME? I DID MY BEST! PLEASE! PLEASE!” The screams faded and his mind began to blank and all he heard in his final moment of life was a soft “chk-rrrr” and a Necron Lord laughing. The blackness descended and the pain faded and Behradiam was no more. The Necron Lord withdrew his staff from the dead space marine and tried to shake off the blood. The Lord accessed the Imperial communications grid and began to broadcast the video, forwarding the file to everybody he had listed down as one of the Brother Captain’s friends with a small message attached: “He died like a little bitch. Pathetic.” He even sent a copy to the Brother Captain’s family and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

Potential Rules

Assholetep the Insufferable

Points: 270

Unit Type: Infantry, Independent Character

WS	BS	S	T	W	I	A	Ld	Sv
5	5	5	5	3	2	3	10	2+/4++

Wargear: Phase Shifter, Resurrection Orb, Tachyon Arrow, Original Necron Lord Garments (counts as Sempiternal Weave)

Insufferable Staff: The Insufferable Staff is a Staff of Light that also functions as a melee weapon. Melee Profile: S:U AP: 2, Concussive.

Special rules: Reanimation Protocols, Ever-living.

I Shall Taunt You:

Every unit in melee combat against Assholetep the Insufferable or a squad containing Assholetep the Insufferable gains ‘Hatred: Assholetep the Insufferable’. Any model killed in a challenge by Assholetep counts as two kill points rather than one as Assholetep degrades them for losing to him. A unit that is legally capable of charging Assholetep must roll equal to its Leadership or lower in order not to charge him.

Easily Offended:

Assholetep cannot refuse challenges. When a model denies a challenge from Assholetep or Assholetep is wounded (before saves are rolled), Assholetep the Insufferable and any squad he joins gains Rage, Furious Charge, Preferred Enemy, and Hatred against that model's unit.

HUGE RAGE:

Pick a friendly unit at the beginning of the battle. It is Assholetep the Insufferable's favorite unit. If that unit takes an unsaved wound (before Reanimation Protocols) or an unsaved penetrating hit, Assholetep the Insufferable gains Rage, Hatred, and Furious Charge. This persists even through any Reanimation Protocols rolls. If Assholetep loses his last wound but comes back through Reanimation Protocols, unless they are already in effect he gains Rage, Furious Charge, Hatred (Everything!) and Preferred Enemy (Everything!).

Potential Rules, 9E

Assholetep the Insufferable Factions: NECRONS, Dikh-Ehd Keywords: INFANTRY, CHARACTER, PHAERON, OVERLORD, NOBLE, Assholetep the Insufferable

M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv
6"	2+	2+	5	5	5	4	10	2+/4++

Weapons: Tachyon Arrow, Staff of Light

Special rules: Living Metal, Phylactery, Command Protocols, Relentless March (Aura), Phase Shifter (4++), My Will Be Done, Phaeron, Resurrection Orb

Obnoxious Tantrums:

Each time this model succeeds on an armour or invulnerable saving throw against a melee attack, after the attacking model’s unit has finished making its attacks, that enemy unit suffers 1 mortal wound.

Absolutely Insufferable:

Any unit within 12" of Assholetep that declares a charge which does not include him as a target of the charge that rolls above that unit's highest Leadership score on the charge roll automatically fails the charge. When an enemy unit within engagement range of Assholetep is selected to make melee attacks, it must roll 2d6; if it rolls above the highest Leadership score in the unit, it must target Assholetep with all of its melee attacks.

Gallery

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  Oh exploitable!

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  Whaattt Ann assshhooollleee

Links

• The genesis of Assholetep
• Thread codifying the "Classic Necron Lord" model as Assholetep, with 110% more assholery
• Assholetep after realizing that he no longer has a dick.