A Song of Ice and Fire

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This article contains spoilers! You have been warned.

Warning: This article contains so many spoilers we're ruining books that haven't even been released yet.

A Song of Ice and Fire (abbreviated as ASoIF and pronounced "Ass-Off" by the efficient) is a fantasy book series for people who hate fantasy, and which you probably never heard about till you pirated the long format pornography show on Torrent or seen the more recent show. Its central themes include incest, douchebaggery, and inefficiency. Thus it has become one of the most popular series of our generation and its author, George R. R. Martin, has been praised for his highly realized world and gritty low fantasy style. He was even called "the American Tolkien" by Time magazine gormless idiots who lump diametrically different writers together for no other reason than that they're both fantasy authors. The series itself is set on the totally not medieval European ripoff realm of Westeros as it is wracked by a massive succession war drawing its realms into conflict. There's at least five kings depending on how you're counting, they're burning the continent down in their scramble for power, and somehow all of the fuck-ups are managing to lose simultaneously while a horde of evil snow elves and their armies of zombies come to fuck them up from the North.

Yeah, pretty much.

Fun Fact: In the world of ASOIF, all the black people see prostitution as the greatest profession. This has led some to believe that George is in fact the true identity of the fabled A. Wyatt Mann. That or he likes sexy black girls, who knows.

According to a leaked fan conversation, George R R Martin stated the series would end with an epic cock-slap fight between Samwell Tarly and Jaime Lannister.

TL;DR: War of Roses redux, with a side helpin' of cliched fantasy.

Characters

Since these books have some 1300 named characters, you won't remember most of them without getting into Tolkienesque obsession over details like that one Neckbeard pal of yours, the one who still gets an enormous trivia-boner over Middle Earth.

Here's a relatively short list for the characters you'll care about.

House Stark

"Winter Is Coming"

Proud, hardass, northerners who serve as the series' main narrators. They have a tendency towards Lawful Stupid that bites them in the ass frequently. House of York-ish.

• Eddard Stark The Quiet Wolf: Patriarch, lord and POV death-puppet. Not nearly as stupid as everyone tries to pretend, but still a dead man walking.
• Robb Stark, The Young Wolf: Shiny, Lawful Stupid King Arthur-like hero, cacks it nastily. Became an Ulfwerenar. HAHA, DISREGARD THAT. He's not that awesome. Nor is he at all favoured by the Four Gods of Chaos. He actually got his pet's head stuck on his body and was paraded around. HERE COMES THE KING IN THE NORTH! THE KING IN THE NORTH, THE KING IN THE NORTH, THE KING IN THE NORTH! HERE COMES THE KING IN THE NORTH! THE KING IN THE NORTH... In other words, he's a Scottish Hannibal Barca.
• Sansa Stark: Useless teenage girl extraordinaire. But it looks like she'll be good at courtly intrigues. Becomes Littlefinger's replacement goldfish when Catelyn's no longer around. Also, stereotypical domestic abuse victim.
• Arya Stark: Little tomboy assassin. Has a kill list, but won't get to use it so long as she is an amnesiac apprentice of the Friendly Neighborhood Assassins Guild.
• Catelyn Stark (nee Tully): Fucks everyone's shit up by being a bitch. Gets killed along with Robb, then comes back as an undead witch bent on killing all the Boltons, Greyjoys, Lannisters...pretty much everyone she thinks was tangentially involved in betraying her and her family, or or somebody who just pissed her off.
• Bran Stark: Intelligent little boy, crippled in the first sign of major GrimDark. Has prophetic dreams and becomes a druid.
• Rickon Stark: Four years old at the start, turning into a real little Barbarian by the third book. The third book and everything after it sucks.
• Jon Snow, Lord Snow: A 'Bastard', which is a bad thing, apparently Mary Sue. Became Lord Commander of the Night's Watch (basically Colonel Schaeffer with more convicted rapists under his command) and secures and alliance with the Wildlings, all as a teenaged boy. Currently dying of knives in his back. Might not actually be Eddard's son, but rather the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark.
• Hodor: Hodor. Hodor, Hodor, Hodor. An enormous and possibly retarded stable boy, and Bran's faithful steed. Hodor.
• Osha: A wildling woman who surrendered to the Starks and becomes their ninja/barbarian handmaid.

House Targaryen

"Fire and Blood"

The one time dragon kings and rulers of Westeros, who got that way thanks to the Aegon I, who had tactical genius and MOTHERFUCKING DRAGONS. He's essentially William the Conqueror who spent a little too much time on /d/ (more on that in a minute), and placed in a low fantasy world.

Thanks to a loophole, the Tagaryens were immune to the moral objections relating to incest. Common sense (and common decency) took back seat to a time-honored policy of catastrophic inbreeding, which made a number of problems. Aegon I married his older and younger sister and fucked several kids into each, which would be the start of another Tagaryen tradition: the occasional succession crisis. The inbreeding would also lead to a line of almost alternatingly great and lunatic kings, culminating in Aerys "That Guy" Targaryen and a palace coup. Now stuck in Essos (that means "Eastern Continent," for the possible half a person who didn't get the obvious distinction between Westeros and Essos) trying to gather armies to retake the Iron Throne which they see as rightfully theirs. Basically a family of inbreeding girly-men with a massive sense of superiority and as arrogant as they come, forgetting that most of what they accomplished was due to the fact that only they had dragons. Pseudo-Romans/House of Normandy.

• Aerys V, The Mad King: A pretty fun guy to be around. Had a boner for burning traitors, a category of people that eventually grew to include anybody he disliked for any reason, and a few people who were unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire.
• Daenerys Targaryen, Stormborn: An albino Mary Sue Alexander the Great if he was a teenage girl and had dragons. She was sold by her brother to a barbarian leader Khal (warlord) Drogo in exchange for the promise that he'd use his Khalassar (warband/tribe) to conquer Westeros. Then her husband killed her fucknut brother Viserys and promised to conquer the world for Daenerys, making her a badass barbarian warqueen. Unfortunately, her husband died and his horde fell apart. Then she hatched three dragons and now everyone wants to marry her. Gets shit done except the entire fifth book, in which she mopes around about wanting to bang an annoying, flamboyant mercenary in a clown suit. Marries a Meereenese noble to try and guarantee peace (most likely just as he planned). She also does nothing while insurgents kill her men, a horde of plague victims spread disease to her city, and standing idly by while an enemy army besieges her walls (mostly for some realistically political reasons, but we would have been happier to see her fuck shit up). Learns how to train her dragon. Since she successfully hatched three dragons, Daenerys may be "Azor Azhai" (see below).
• The dragons: The three dragons that Daenerys hatched. They're wyverns that breathe fire, have blood hot enough to melt steel, and cook their meat before eating it. The coolest things in the story.
  • Drogon; named for her late husband, Khal Drogo. Black and Red, the biggest and most aggressive dragon. Starts eating people and then escapes, leading to the other two getting imprisoned. Interrupts a gladiator tournament, killing a lot of people before being whipped by Daenerys into flying her to a Khalassar that broke off from her husband's after his death.
  • Rhaegal; named for the first of her dead brothers, Rhaegar. Green and gold, the cunning one. Kills Quentyn Martell (see below). After breaking out of jail with Viserion they go "all your bases are belong to us" on Meereen, killing people and taking over the pyramid of a loyal family as his lair.
  • Viserion; named for her other brother Viserys. White and gold, the friendliest (as dragons go, he still eats people) and the loudest. Dug cave for himself in his jail then moved into another pyramid after their great escape.
• Viserys Targaryen, The Beggar King: Daenerys' physically abusive older brother. Best known for being an arrogant and incompetent fuck with a massive sense of entitlement. He eventually got himself killed for being an all-around jerk and whiny fuck. Daenerys' husband poured a crown of molten gold over his head.
• Aegon Targaryen, Aegon VI: Daenerys' nephew, the son of her brother Rhaegar. Been hiding in Essos for the entire length of the series, but recently raised an army of Westerosi exiles and threw them all a massive Welcome Home party with rape and pillage. Wants to marry his aunt because she has dragons, and might not actually be a member of House Targaryen if you believe some tinfoil-hat wearing COMPLETELY REASONABLE fans. He can actually count past 6, can multiply numbers, can read different language and has a minor understanding of geometry. Thus cementing him as one of the most educated people in this overwrought series. Can also do his own laundry.

House Lannister

"Hear Me Roar"

Rich, fabulous, bastards who always pay their debts. Not much of a martial tradition but if you cross them they will fucking cut you. You can tell they are the bad guys because they are blonde have an army of sick fucks, including a zebra-riding mercenary band and 7'20" Khornate Champion (though his Khornate status is debatable since he sickeningly seems to enjoy raping women (AXE BLOW) FUCK YOU. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME IN WARHAMMER FANTASY KNOWS THAT I AM CONDONING OR AT LEAST AMBIVALENT OF RAPE, FOR I AM WORSHIPED BY MOTHERFUCKING VIKINGS.) Gregor Clegane. House Lancaster in drag.

• Tywin Lannister, The Lion of Lannister: Head of the house. Magnificent Bastard extraordinaire. Good enough of a general to curbstomp everyone who fights against him, and he was the true power behind the throne until he died on the toilet. Has his own sweet, yet creepy as fuck theme song about him (spoiler) fucking up one house so badly their name is used as a warning against anyone standing against him. Essentially a rip-off of Edward Longshanks, minus anything that made Edward Longshanks awesome (ie: chivalrous warrior-king who bitch-slaps his assassins).
• Joanna Lannister: Tywin's late wife and first cousin (meaning the next three characters are inbred as well). Dies giving birth to Tyrion, which is part of why Tywin and Cersei hate him. Caught wind of Cersei and Jamie's incestuous tendencies but died before she could stop it or tell Tywin. It is implied that her ghost visits Jaime in a dream and mourns the current state of her family.
• Cersei Lannister, Cunt Queen: Tywin and Joanna's first child. Twin sister to Jaime Lannister and wife to King Robert Baratheon. She fucks her brother Jamie all the time and had three of his children, whom she passed off as Robert's to grab power. She seeks to rule Westeros as the Queen, and will do anything to keep her power. Crazy as all fuck, and gonna be killed by one of her younger brothers. Three guesses as to who that's going to be, and you don't need the last two (though since Jamie is technically younger by a few seconds, him killing Cersei would be an interesting twist). This is because of a prophecy a maegi made when Cersei was a child that she'd be a beautiful queen, lose everything, her children would die before her and a younger sibling would kill her. Possibly the maegi was messing with her head knowing what a bitch Cersei was. Cersei is currently alive only because Varys want her to be as she's a terrible queen who'll destabilize the realm enough for him to bring back the Targereyns.
• Jaime Lannister, The Kingslayer: Younger twin brother (by about three seconds) to Cersei Lannister and commander of the Kingsguard. He loves his sister in every sense of the word and had three children with her. Killed the last king despite his oath, and hated for it (even though everyone agrees that death was a massive improvement for Aerys). His desire to openly love his sister and win the respect he feels he deserves eventually causes Cersei to reject him. Starts off as an arrogant douche but becomes quite bro-tier (except the whole wants-to-fuck-his-sister thing) after learning a few hard lessons, loosing his sword hand and having some time to rethink his life. Also the only person who treats Tyrion well.
• Tyrion Lannister, Halfman: a dwarf who is awesome but hated by all of the civilized characters in the books, except his brother Jamie. He seems to do much better with whores, rogues, and barbarians. His silver tongue is one of his greatest strengths (he's witty and good at persuading people) and weaknesses (he's quick with insults and the truth in a city ruled by sociopaths and liars). After killing his father and being accused of killing his nephew Joffrey (he's innocent of the latter), he's in exile in the Free Kingdoms leading a merc band and trying to sign them up with Daenerys' forces.
• Cersei and Robert's (actually Jamie's) children.
  • Joffrey Baratheon: Technical king of Westeros since he lives in King's Landing and sits on the throne. Worse than Aerys. He died and there was much rejoicing. Except by his mother, who instead had sex on his corpse. Sadly, this may be cut out of the long format porno version, Scratch that, incestuous funeral sex has been included in the long-format porno. Fourteen years old at time of death.
  • Tommen Baratheon: The new king on the Iron Throne. Nine years old. Married to a teenaged shotacon wife who's (unknown to him) the granddaughter of his brother's true killer. Trying to litigate the criminalization of beets. Loves kittens. He's pretty well-rounded and non-fucked up, a miracle considering his parents, both putative and biological. Also seems to be trying to take kinging seriously. Whether it holds is another matter entirely. Prophesied to die before Cersei; doubly tragic due to his age and being a much better person than her.
  • Mycella Baratheon: Princess, had her face fucked up because one of the Martell's amateur intrigues, plus chronic backstabbing disorder, poor planning and general stupidity. Ten years old. Before the maiming, she was quite decent and non-evil. Who knows how she'll turn out now with her face cut off. Also prophesied to die before Cersei. Also, the readership all got on George's balls for maiming this girl, mostly because it was a sign that he had run out of ideas and was basically just milking diabolus ex machina.

House Baratheon

"Ours is the Fury"

Ascended to the iron throne after a successful rebellion. Produces no less than three claimants to the succession, each more shit better than the last. Technically a cadet branch of House Targaryen (their founder was a Targaryen bastard), they're pretty much the House of Plantegenet.

• Robert Baratheon, The Usurper: Fat old badass king who led the rebellion and married Cersei Lannister. Then he fucked a bunch of other women and had lots of kids, and was killed by a boar, but he fucking took that pig down with him, what the fuck have you done lately?. Pretty much a sad, lonely old bro who would rather not have been king.
• Stannis The Mannis Baratheon, TRUE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE, all-around badass who swings between Lawful Stupid and killing everyone who stands against him getting shit done. Also bullwhipped by fire-loving bitches in red.
• Renly Baratheon, That Gay Guy: Robert's youngest brother. Killed by The Mannis for trying to steal his crown.

House Tully

"Family, Duty, Honor"

Lords of the central river lands. Being the obligatory central nation they spend a lot of the series being fought over like a cake in between fat kids. Basically Poland, given how hard they've been fucked over.

• Edmure Tully: Basically the SoIaF universe's eternal butt monkey. A useless ponce with a dense streak a mile wide and a bad habit of bragging about things he shouldn't be proud of. It took [spoiler]hanging in a stockade for a few months[/spoiler] to make him experience some growth.
• Brynden Tully Black Fish: Didn't catch the memo that he was part of the joke faction and proceeds to spend the entire series fucking Lannister shit up and generally being a boss.

House Arryn

"As High as Honor"

Mountain lords turned neurotic shut ins. Goes through lords about as quickly as you would expect a castle equipped with a door that opens into empty air.Basically Switzerland/Afghanistan, seeing as how their land is covered by nothing but mountains and constant battles with the local tribes. They're being entertainingly screwed over by Littlefinger.

• John Arryn: Cadaverific, only appears posthumously.
• Lysa Arryn: Loli bride turned Lady of the Vale after the Lannisters forcibly retired her husband from life Littlefinger convinced her to poison her husband and blame the Lannisters, which pretty much started this whole clusterfuck to begin with. A basement tier hikki who spends the entire series chilling in the Eyrie being useless breastfeeding her own son at age 10, and (refusing to help her sister and nephew in the war she and Littlefinger pretty much started, which may have guaranteed their eventual horrific murders at a goddamned wedding) until Littlefinger kicks her our the moon door (post-taunting, of course), putting her out of our collective misery. Long live the Lord Protector.
• Robert Arryn: Littlefuck, Lysa's equally mentally unstable son, who still sucks on her moms tit, enjoys seeing people "fly" out the moon door. Secretly being poisoned by Littlefinger and Sansa, so she can take over the Vale and North.

House Greyjoy

"We Do Not Sow"

A house founded by Cthulhu-worshipping Norscans. Now the Greyjoys are no longer true Norse, due to their tentacle porn fetishes, feudalism, regimented armies, galleons and the fact that the Iron Islands are in the south (seriously the only Viking about them is that they believe in an underwater Valhalla), not the North. They are currently most cliched of cliched Romantic Pirates.

• Balon Greyjoy: Asshole dad, crappy ruler and general Chaotic Stupid shithead who rebelled against Big Bobby B and failed miserably. All of his sons were killed, except the shittiest, Theon, who was taken as a hostage to ensure his good behavior. Despite being in a position to join either the Lannisters or the Starks during the War of Five Kings and thereby get whatever he wanted from either (independence and the North, or independence and Casterly Rock, respectively), he does the absolute stupidest thing possible and declares himself independent without support from anyone, attacking the North and the rest of Westeros, thereby virtually guaranteeing that he'll be on the receiving end of another curbstomp battle. Never got that far, though, since he came down with a fatal case of fallen-off-a-bridge before the Lannisters managed to get their own shit together enough to crush him.
• Victarion Greyjoy: Admiral of the Iron Fleet. Gets shit done while wearing fucking plate armor during boarding actions. Does it for vengeance and the lulz. Worships both R'hllor and the Drowned God. For all his badassery, is far too stupid to realize that his black Red Priest sidekick's constant rambling about his "great destiny" is inevitably going to end in his burning to death on a sacrificial pyre.
• Aeron Greyjoy Damphair: A priestly Alan Moore who drinks seawater. Once a fun-loving party animal, he nearly drowned during the Greyjoy Rebellion, and became a dour and devout priest of the Ironborn Cthulhu religion. Possibly raped by Euron when they were kids.
• Theon Greyjoy: Son of the Lord/King of the Iron Islands. He was given to Ned Stark by daddy after daddy failed to successfully rebel against Robert the Fatass. Swore an oath to Robb, but then ditched him to please daddy. Ends up the personal butt monkey of Ramsay Bolton after Ramsay puts him through brutal torture. Rescued by his sister, but has some enforced Stockholm Syndrome.
• Asha Greyjoy: Theon's older sister and a commander of some renown, quite a feat with every man on the Iron Islands except her father either trying to get in her pants or tell her to stfu and GB2kitchen before she kicked enough ass that they respected her. Rescues Theon after he escapes Ramsay but then looses him to Stannis.
• Euron Greyjoy Crow's Eye: A sick fuck pirate sorcerer. Every member of his crew is a mute, because Euron ripped all their tongues out. Uses an eyepatch to conceal his red right hand, a pitch-black eye. Raped his brother Victarion's wife so he'd have to kill her. Raped his older brother Aeron, maybe. Also showed back up in the Iron Islands the day after Balon died, despite having been raping and pillaging in Essos before that, meaning he probably had Balon killed. Now the new Iron King.

House Tyrell

"Growing Strong"

Lords of Highgarden and backstabbers par-excellence. Unlike the current lot of Lannisters they understand the value of good PR. They are also French to the bone, to the extent that Westeros is not a mega-England, which is to say, not much. House of Tudor with the serial numbers filed off.

• Mace Tyrell: Lord of Highgarden. About as fat as your average neckbeard (his uncle is fatter). Stupid, arrogant, and overreaching.
• Olenna Tyrell: The brains behind House Tyrell's schemes. Known as the Queen of Thorns for being an outspoken, prickly and venomous old lady. Schemed with Littlefinger to have Joffrey killed, but she carried it out with magical gems that poisoned his wine.
• Garth Tyrell The Gallant: Second-born son, who really only does one thing in the entire books, and that is being kind to Tyrion.
• Loras Tyrell The Knight of Flowers: The Tyrell who appears most in the series. Considered to be an example of the perfect knight, despite his youth. Is secretly Renly's gay lover and conspired to take the throne with him and his sister. Ends up horribly burned.
• Margaery Tyrell: The would-be Queen of Westeros, she has married, in order, Renly Baratheon (gay), Joffrey Baratheon (evil), and Tommen Baratheon (8 years old) and has been crowned as queen three times.

House Bolton

"Our Blades Are Sharp"

The Lawful Evil northern house made of Grimdark, and the Starks' most important vassal. Their sigil is a flayed man and their castle is called The Dreadfort, which shows how Lawful Stupid the Starks were for allying with them; all from the setting grey-and-grey morality. Evil motherfuckers, one in particular, gives Honsou a run for his money for sheer, ludicrous evilness (the other is as evil but sneakier).

• Roose Bolton, The 'Leech Lord: A sociopathic health nut who's called the Leech Lord because he gets leeched regularly believing they get rid of bad blood. Second-most powerful Lord in the North with ambitions to depose the Starks. The Starks being Lawful Stupid, this doesn't prove too difficult. He gets his wish when he dickishly stabs Robb Stark in the back, at his uncle's fucking wedding no less, and has anyone associated with Robb killed. He then makes over Winterfell in his bloody image, and is currently trolling Stannis. Believes in the abolished practice of "Droit du seigneur" (a tradition that allowed a lord to have sex with subordinate women, whether they wanted to or not) and killed a man for trying to hide his wife from Roose. The sneaky one.
• Ramsay Snow/Bolton: The bastard son of Roose Bolton and a woman he raped, the posterchild of Stupid Evil. Will fuck up anyone who points out his illegitimate heritage though now he's legally recognized as a Bolton. Loves to torture and kill people openly for the lulz, such as Theon Greyjoy, who he crippled, knocked his teeth out and castrated too. In the long format porno, he then sent the severed appendage to the forshortened Theon's dad in a cutesy box with a letter written in lolspeak detailing his evilness. Also has a pack of hunting dogs he names after women he hunts, rapes and kills. Married a fake Arya Stark and regularly mistreats her, including forced bestiality. Not a fun guy to be around. Honsou without power armor.

House Martell

"Unbowed Unbent Unbroken"

Desert dwelling survivalists who pride themselves on having never been conquered by the Targeryn dynasty (though they later married in). Moorish Spaniards, kinda.

• Doran Martell: Lord of Sunspear. Still mad at the the Lannisters about that whole "murdered-my-sister-and-infant-niece thing". Playing the longest of long games with Varys while trying to keep the rest of his psychotic family members in check.
• Arriane Martell: One of GRRM's characters who seems to exists soley to fuck everything up at the worst conceivable moment.
• Oberyn Martell The Viper of Dorne: Champion of Slaanesh, a bisexual swinger who enjoys fighting and the finer things in life. His girlfriend is a MILF named Ellaria Sand and he has many children, mostly daughters, collectively called "The Sand Snakes". Crippled the Tyrell heir in a fight, causing a rift between the two houses. Known for poisoning his weapons, as well as his battle-cry of "EEEEEELLLLLIIIIIIIAAAAAAAA!!!" Died from a mutual kill with Gregor Clegane, avenging his sister Elia who Gregor had raped and murdered. Though it's probably a win for Oberyn, since he got Clegane with a horribly painful and slow-acting venom which stretched his death over days or even weeks, during which time he was ruthlessly experimented upon by a pre-Renaissance mad scientist/Dr. Mengele.
• Quentyn Martell: Didn't realize what series he was in, poor bastard. A member house Martell, sent to marry Daenerys to secure an alliance between the families, since the original marriage plan won't work with Viserys dead. Leaves Westeros and goes all the way to the city of Meereen to marry her, but he's too late, as she marries the Meereenese noble Hizdahr, and not her type. Tries to tame two of her dragons to impress her; the series being what it is, he gets horribly burnt and later dies in agony.

Night's Watch

The Night's Watch are an apolitical force in charge of manning The Wall, a giant wall that separates the relative tranquility of the south from the Lovecraftian fucked-up-itude of the true north. They are chronically undermanned and undersupplied since nobody believes their stories of a barbarian army or the impending zombie apocalypse. Basically everybody else thinks they're in a game of Diplomacy and the Night's Watch are the only ones who realize they're actually in Warhammer Fantasy Battle, though it's been so long since the last snow elf invasion that even they've lost sight (until recently) of the Ruinous Powers and focused too much on a bunch of half-bit, barely Bronze Age, Chaotic Stupid barbarians.

• Jeor Mormont, The Old Bear: Lord Commander of the Nights Watch at the start of the series. Sees Jon Snow as something of a second son (since his own son Jorah was exiled for enslaving and refused to take the black for his crimes). Leads a ranging north of the Wall to investigate reports that the Others have returned. Ends up killed during a mutiny of survivors after the Others wiped out most of the force.
• Alliser Thorne: Prick of a knight who will most likely become Lord Commander and get the entire Night's Watch slain by the White Walkers due to his nasty habit of ignoring sound advice based on a grudge against anyone who's related to anyone named Stark, Lannister, Baratheon, Tully, or Arryn.
• Aemon Targaryen: Maester of the Citadel at Castle Black. Despite being the third born son of King Maekar I Targaryen, he declined the right to sit on the Iron Throne, which probably would have avoided so much trouble in the series. One of the few people in the series to die of old age, at 102.
• Samwell Tarly, The Slayer: Fat bookworm who was forced to take the black after his father Randyl threatened to murder him for being unmanly. Jon Snow's best friend among the Night's Watch. Knows everything because he "read it in a book". Despite being a self professed coward, Sam became the first person in thousands of years to slay an Other with an obsidian dagger. George Martin himself said Sam's based on Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings.

Wildings

Groups of nomadic hunter gatherer tribes who live north of the Wall. Mostly First Men by blood, they have been heading toward the Wall for the past decade with the reputed reemergence of the Others. Despite everything, these guys are actually the closest thing in the series to Vikings.

• Mance Rayder, The King Beyond The Wall: A Wilding orphan who was taken in by the Night's Watch, he became their best Ranger before he deserted to join his people. He united the Wildings and lead them south to escape the Others. Also a trained bard.
• Tormund Giantsbane: Has got a ten inch penis, use your mouth if you wanna clean it. Cool as fuck old guy who fucks mother-bears in his free time. Tough as nails, who preaches the merits of using one's cock for everything. Clearly the wisest person in the books.
• Ygritte: Wilding woman who Jon Snow ends up falling for. This being A Song of Ice and Fire, she ends up dying.
• Craster: A sick bastard, formerly a member of the Night's Watch. Has lots of daughters who he marries and fucks them regularly, giving him more children. Girls grow up to become more wives, boys get sacrificed to the Others. This keeps them at bay and that sanctuary is why the Night Watch tolerate him. Fortunately, he's been killed off the story.

House Frey

"We Take Our Tolls"

House of weasels who are always grumpy and have a thing for over-fucking-reacting to perceived slights. Wouldn't be that important except for the fact that they own the only bridge over a strategically important river, and regularly extort anyone attempting to cross it. They make for delicious meat pies.

• Walder Frey: The ancient, horny old man in charge of the Twins. Hates everyone for looking down on him, and will readily betray an important ally for more young maidens to fuck, or a young king refuses to marry into his family. His descendents are literally so numerous that no one except GRRM himself have been able to count them all, so we aren't even going to attempt it.

Commoners, Knights, and Petty Lords

Basically any character not associated with any of the Great Houses.

• Varys The Spider: The eunuch spymaster of Westeros. You can't take a shit in the Seven Kingdoms without Varys finding out where, when, and how watery or dry it was. He does this through paid informants and his "litte birds" (Spoiler: A spy network of children who sneak through the castle's passage ways and eavesdrop on everyone). Stabs everyone in the back because he's actually trying to bring the Targaryens back.
• Petyr Baelish, Littlefinger: The master of coin (the ASOIAF equivalent of a treasurer). A Champion of Tzeentch who manages to trick and steal his way to positions of lordship and wealth because no one takes him seriously, and stabs all the Lannisters in the back. As a child he wanted Catelyn Stark, and was tricked into thinking she wanted him when her sister Lysa fucked him while he was drunk. Challenged Catelyn's first boyfriend for her hand in marriage and got his ass kicked, making that his start of darkness. The guy responsible directly or indirectly for causing the War of the Five Kings because he was the mastermind behind poisoning Jon Arryn, capturing and executing Ned Stark, feeding several half-truths to Catelyn to motivate her to arrest Tyrion and eventually Joffrey's death by having Dontos and Olenna Tyrell carry out the plan and letting Tyrion take the fall; but no one in the story knows this, not even Varys. People think he can make gold out of thin air but he's really been borrowing from the Iron Bank of Braavos (the Venice/New York/Swiss Bank equivalent city) and putting the country in serious debt. So he's destroying Westeros all because he couldn't have Catelyn as his girlfriend, though he changed his focus to her daughter Sansa now, making him a paedophile. He hasn't got his comeuppance yet because he's a serious Karma Houdini, if not a Tzeentch champion The Deceiver in disguise. According to GRRM he's based on the title character from the Great Gatsby.
• Gregor Clegane, The Mountain. A 7'2, 400 pounds of muscle and RAGE, Champion of Khorne. Hobbies include rape, arson, murder, and skullfuckery. Dies after being posioned by that sissy ass, Slaanesh-worshiping faggot known as Oberyn Martell, then is resurrected as Westeros's first Space Marine called "Ser Robert Strong".
• Sandor Clegane The Hound. Younger brother to Gregor Clegane, called the hound because he's the king's hired muscle but not in the Kingsguard or a knight because he hates knights (seeing it as not such a noble promotion since his monstrous brother is a knight), ergo he's compared to a guard dog. Terrified of fire after Gregor put his head against a brazier for playing with one of Gregor's old toys when they were children, burning half his face, but he's still the second-strongest person in Westeros. A brutal anti-hero with a soft spot for Sansa, but a better person than his brother.
• Pycelle: Old, seemingly harmless man who is actually Tywin Lannister's biggest lackey. He convinced the good old Mad King to let Tywin in as Bobby B's armies were marching on the capital, where Tywin proceeded to sack the city and claim it for Robert. Gets his head bashed in by Varys or his "Little Birds" (child brigade).
• Qyburn: Formerly a maester, who was kicked out of the order for unethical experiments on the living. Introduced serving Roose Bolton which should be a red flag. Cersei employs him to replace Pycelle and eventually Varys. Serves Cersei loyally as long as she lets him indulge his sick experiments. May or may not have resurrected Gregor Clegane as a Space Marine.
• Barriston Selmy, The Bold: Knight of the Kingsguard. Which Kingsguard? Take your pick. He's served pretty much every king since Aerys and understandably feels pretty bad about it. Another sad old bro who pretty much just wants to die before Danaerys this time. This time, though, he may get his wish, because he's regarded as the most badass guy in the series.
• Melisandre, The Red Witch: A priestess of R'hllor, the god of fire. Proclaimed Stannis the Mannis to be the messiah-king and is doing everything in her power to make sure he wins (considerable given that she can scry and set things on fire with her mind). She'd be pretty bro-tier if her god wasn't such a vicious cunt. As it stands she's kind of in the gray. Most of the people she set on fire deserved it, and she hasn't succeeded in killing any babies yet.
• Jorah Mormont: A knight and son of Jeor Mormont, exiled for trying to sell poachers into slavery and eventually joining the exiles of House Targaryen. He is offered a pardon in exchange for spying on the Targaryens, but ultimately decides to stay with them after falling in love with Danaerys. Despite this she still votes him off the Khalassar after learning he was a spy. He still loves her and follows her in secret, though.
• Davos Seaworth, The Onion Knight: A former smuggler and bannerman to House Baratheon. During Roberts Rebellion he ran a blockade with a cargo of contraband onions to a castle Stannis Baratheon was besieged in. In exchange for for the food he had, Stannis knighted Davos, but Stannis's Lawful Stupid mindset compelled him to remove four fingers from his left hand. Despite this, Davos has served Stannis with unquestioning loyalty, because Stannis knighting him gave his children a future. The fact that Stannis's war for the throne has ended up killing several of his sons hasn't dented his loyalty at all.
• Shae: A former camp follower and Tyrion Lannister's squeeze for most of the story. Fled from an abusive family and became a camp follower to earn a living. Seems to fall in love with Tyrion, but it turns out she's a gold digging bitch. When Tyrion doesn't marry Shae she sells him out to Cersei for a better offer, then fucks Tywin when she realizes Cersei is a cunt while Shae is just a bitch. Tyrion finds her in his father's bed and kills her for betraying him.
• Bronn: A mercenary who acts as Tyrion's enforcer and personal killer until Cersei outbids him and he he settles down with a little wife and title. Routinely kills knights by exploiting how Lawful Stupid they are even after becoming one himself. Only in it for the money, which he'll happily tell you himself. The only character other than Littlefinger to end every book in a better position than he started it.
• Brienne of Tarth, The Beauty badass lady knight who his a medieval version of Tex, no matter how hard she tries to finish her quests she ends up failing or stuff happens that make it impossible. Secretly crushes on Renly and unaware he's gay. After he dies he switches her loyalty Catelyn and helps her bring Jaime to Kings Landing in exchange for her Sansa. Things don't go well. Next Jaime sends her to find and keep the Stark girls safe. She ends up getting hanged by Cat now Lady Stoneheart, and resurrected as her zombie minion.

The Free Cities

Nine city states to the West of Westeros, for the most part the old colonies of the Valaryian Freehold. For the most part these are ruled by Merchant Princes.

• Illyrio Mopatis: A rich fat bastard and a Magester of Pentos. Old buddies with Varys and a bigtime schemer.
• The Faceless Men: A cult of assassins who worship The Many Faced God of death based in the free city of Braavos that give up personal idenity.
• Xaro Xhoan Daxos: One of the thirteen leaders of the city of Qarth. A flamboyant, languid rich man who look after Daenerys while she stays in Qarth and gives her many gifts. He wants her dragons as much as anyone else and even tries to marry her despite his homosexual tendencies. He stops wanting the dragons later in the book series after seeing their work in Astapor, and no longer wants her around as her anti-slavery stance is hampering his wealth, so he offers Daenerys ships to leave the area and declares war on her when she refuses. In the show he's heterosexual, helps steal her dragons, fucks one of her handmaidens and gets locked in a vault for conspiring to have her killed. He's also black in the show when his nationality in the books isn't specified (cue Unfortunate Implications).
• Syrio Forel: The former First Sword of Braavos (aka the ruler's personal bodyguard) and later Arya's mentor in King's Landing. He teaches her the way of Braavosi fencing, called "Water Dancing", and sacrifices himself to save her from Lannister thugs, taking down at least six of them with him with a wooden sword. May have inadvertently set her on the path of becoming a badass assassin by telling her of his belief in the God of Death.

The Dothraki

Mongol style horse people who live in a country referred to by others as the Dothraki sea. They only have one city, called Vaes Dothrak. Have traits borrowed from several cultures, including Mongols and Native Americans. They fear the ocean because of it's size and the fact that horses won't drink from it, calling it the "poison water".

• Khal Drogo: An expy of Genghis Khan. Leads the largest Khalassar among the Dothraki. Despite being a barbarian warlord Drogo is surprisingly intelligent and treats Daenerys well. After an assassin tries to kill her he promises to conquer Westeros for her and their unborn son, and immediately starts raiding towns for slaves and ships. At one town he gets cut in a leadership challenge and Daenerys gets a captive maegi (wizard) to heal him. However, the maegi hates him because his tribe destroyed her hometown, raped/slaughtered or enslaved her friends and raped her three times so she curses him to become catatonic (along with killing his unborn son), leading a devastated Daenerys to perform an arguable mercy kill by smothering him with a pillow. After, she burns herself, her stillborn child and the maegi on his funeral pyre, Daenerys survives and it brings her dragons to life. GRRM named Drogo after Frodo's father.
• Daenerys' handmaidens.
  • Doreah: Daemerys' handmaiden and a wedding gift from Illyrio. A woman from Lysene brought by her brother to teach her how to pleasure a man. In the book she dies of fever and starvation crossing a desert, in the TV show she betrays Daenerys for Xaro's BBC and gets locked in a vault to starve to death.
  • Irri: Daenerys' handmaiden who teaches Daenerys how to ride a horse. Also pleasures Daenerys twice after catching her masturbating once, yet this canonical girl-on-girl action was surprisingly left out of the long-format porno. The character was even killed off there when she survived in the books.
  • Jhiqui: Daenerys' handmaiden who teaches her the Dothraki language and squabbles with Irri over wanting one of Daenerys' bodyguards when he becomes a badass. Also dies in the TV show while staying alive so far in the books.

Slavers Bay

A civilization of Stupid evil slavers. The remains of a previous civilization that was once the big powerful empire thanks to having phalanxes of obedient, pain-resistant soldiers which Valaryia conquered a long while ago because phalanxes don't do too well against flying, fire breathing dragons. They are ruled by wealthy, decadent slave mongers who buy slaves, train them up to do specific things and generally be a bunch of stuck up, decadent, puppy-eating (literally) assholes.

• The Unsullied: Eunuch phalanx fighting slave soldiers trained the spartan way to produce totally obedient infantry that never break ranks. They also don't feel pain due to drinking a special drink daily and each one has to take a new name from the name box each day so they can't develop a sense of identity. At least until Dany "bought" the lot of them, had them sack the city which trained them and freed them.
• Grey Worm: The Unsullied Commander and a no-nonsense badass. When given a chance to take a new name he keeps his slave name because it's the name he had when freed so he considers it lucky.
• Strong Belwas: A fat but skilled eunuch gladiator. Loves liver and onions and referring to himself in the third person. Travelling companion/guide of Ser Barristan. Has an awesome scene where he beats the champion of Meereen then mocks the Meereenese by taking a shit in their direction and wiping his ass on their dead champion's cloak. Also saves Daenerys from eating poisoned sweets. Left out of the show.
• Daario Nahris: A Tyroshi mercenary captain who dyes his hair blue. Betrays his fellow commanders for Daenerys because he loves her as a queen. Fortunately for him Daenerys loves bad boys and fucks him several times, though she doesn't marry him as she's still otherwise smart and has a sense of duty to her people. Goes to Yunkai as a hostage in the war on Meereen.

The Others

A mysterious race from beyond the Wall, known to HBO fans as "the White Walkers". Can be described as ice demons/snow elves with necromancy. Eight thousand years ago, they invaded Westeros during a decades long winter known as "the Long Night". With an army of undead warriors, they proceeded to fuck Westeros up every which way to Sunday before the locals finally drove them out, established the Night's Watch, and built the Wall to keep them out. Like all fantasy aspects of ASOIF, they are very cliched.

• Night's King: A long time ago, when the Night's Watch was just barely getting set up, it's Lord Commander, the thirteenth in line, decided to climb over the Wall and explore some. While in the woods to the north of the Wall, he found a beautiful Other female. He fell in love with her, had sex with her on top of the Wall, which somehow changed him into an albino version of Darth Maul, and set himself up as King of the Wall, making everyone in the Watch his slaves. Naturally, this doesn't sit to well with the Starks and the Wildlings, and so they band together to free the Watch and kick his ass, which they manage to do successfully. Now everyone thinks him as dead or a myth, but HBO accidentally spoiled that he was alive and well, turning infant human boys into new White Walkers.

Gods and Deities

The world of ASOIAF has various religions and faiths abound, just like in real life. Similarly, they range between fucking awesome to utterly useless.

• The Seven: At first seem content to sit on their asses while the mortals die, and generally not giving a fuck. Then a new High Septon, nicknamed the High Sparrow, comes in and they start getting things done. Under the High Sparrow, the leaders of the faith sell their fancy clothes and decorations (replacing them with simple wool tunics); using the money to buy food and clothes for the poor in King's Landing and reform their Knights-Templar-equivalent to protect the faithful and help them root out heresy and sin. They also arrest Cersei for all her evil deeds and force her to take a nude walk of penance in front of the entire city. The Catholic Church stand in (On that note; GRRM is lapsed Catholic).
• Old Gods: Native American/Druid/nature spirits that reside in places called godswoods. They can kick some serious ass, but their powers are limited to everything north of the Neck. Communicate through the trees. For some reason, Martin claims they're based off the Norse Gods. Probably has to do with the way the Vikings made sacrifices to their gods, by hanging them in Ash trees, a symbol for the World Tree Yggrasil. The Weirwood trees are sacred to the followers of the Old Gods in a similar way.
• R'hllor: The god of fire and light. So far the only one who is actually shown to get shit done asides from Death. Has a nasty habit for burning heretics, though. Some people think that R'hillor is supposed to be a stand-in for Islam, but these people tend to be inbred white-trash. GRRM said this faith is roughly based upon Zoroastrianism.
• The Great Other: the god of cold and darkness. Supposedly the leader of the Others, and prophesied to get his ass kicked by "The Azor Ahai". Whether this is before or after he destroys the 7Ks is unsure.
• Death: Him of Many Faces, and the only god that seemingly matters in this grimdark universe. According to his wacky cult of assassins, whom Arya joins, every other god is him in a different form and he requires his assasins to utterly forget their past identities in service to him. Has a heyday during the Battle of King's Landing and the Red Wedding.
• Drowned God: Cthulhu combined with Odin. Runs an underwater Vahalla were all Ironborn go when they die if they either died in a manly way or drowned at sea.

Games

Like any fantasy author who finds themselves unexpectedly in the warm embrace of commercial success Martin quickly licensed the shit out of his setting, spawning everything from resin miniatures to replica great swords. While most of this is worthless junk to foist on obsessive fanboys /tg/ has agreed that a few of the games are made of win. The first two are a collectable card game put out in 2002 by Fantasy Flight Games and a risk-esque board game that followed shortly after in 2003. One of White Wolf's subsidiaries also put out a d20 RPG in 2005 but it quickly tanked because, come on, White Wolf. Martin since wrested the rights back and developed a new version with Green Ronin games.

Books

• A Game of Thrones
• A Clash of Kings
• A Storm of Swords
• A Feast for Crows
• A Dance with Dragons
• The Winds of Winter
• A Dream of Spring