Dwarf: Difference between revisions
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A '''dwarf''' (or more properly, Dorf) is a short guy who is made of muscle and beard and alcohol and awesome. No member of dwarf society can function without alcohol. Even their infants are made to chug a whole keg of ale down before Mommy ever lets the baby near her nipples (although, given the liquor intake of the average dwarven mother, she probably lactates eggnog). They like to live in [[Dwarf Fortress|dwarven fortresses]]. Dwarf characters should have one or a combination of the words "beer", "beard", "bronze", "stone", "iron", "hammer", or "axe" in their names. | A '''dwarf''' (or more properly, Dorf) is a short guy who is made of muscle and beard and alcohol and awesome. No member of dwarf society can function without alcohol. Even their infants are made to chug a whole keg of ale down before Mommy ever lets the baby near her nipples (although, given the liquor intake of the average dwarven mother, she probably lactates eggnog). They like to live in [[Dwarf Fortress|dwarven fortresses]]. Dwarf characters should have one or a combination of the words "beer", "beard", "bronze", "stone", "iron", "hammer", or "axe" in their names. | ||
==Dwarven Physiology== | |||
Dwarves typically consist of seventeen main organs: The beard, the boozehole, the gratuitous Welsh accent, 13 livers and an axe. Many outsiders erroneously dismiss a dwarf's axe as an implement of the most common trade, but recent experiments probing into dwarven society (and consuming dwarven booze) have revealed that it is in fact a rare biological example of a fully detachable organ. | |||
The beard is used primarily for attracting mates, and probably something to do with converting argon gas into vitamin C. I mean, these guys live on mead and rocks, so they gotta get antioxidants somehow, right? We'll just go with that. Mainly the only notable thing to remember about dwarf beards is that when a pansy human and a dwarf argue over whether or not shaved chicks are better, they're probably not on the same page. | |||
The thirteen livers do the same thing as a human liver, just thirteen times better. Maybe other shit, too, but dwarves don't have time for boring biology crap. Moving on. | |||
Boozeholes are for booze. There's other shit you can throw in there too, but those things mostly just act like a sponge, hampering the booze-absorption process. If a particularly whiny dwarf feels the need to "not starve to death," he can fill his empty boozehole with some nice non-porous rocks, or maybe a stack of five wine and rendered fat biscuits if he's really desperate. | |||
Gratuitous Welsh accents do not exist. Never have. It doesn't matter that humans and *shudder* elves invented common. They're the ones who talk funny. Dwarves is the gooder talkers. | |||
==Gallery== | ==Gallery== | ||
Revision as of 12:28, 5 October 2009
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A dwarf (or more properly, Dorf) is a short guy who is made of muscle and beard and alcohol and awesome. No member of dwarf society can function without alcohol. Even their infants are made to chug a whole keg of ale down before Mommy ever lets the baby near her nipples (although, given the liquor intake of the average dwarven mother, she probably lactates eggnog). They like to live in dwarven fortresses. Dwarf characters should have one or a combination of the words "beer", "beard", "bronze", "stone", "iron", "hammer", or "axe" in their names.
Dwarven Physiology
Dwarves typically consist of seventeen main organs: The beard, the boozehole, the gratuitous Welsh accent, 13 livers and an axe. Many outsiders erroneously dismiss a dwarf's axe as an implement of the most common trade, but recent experiments probing into dwarven society (and consuming dwarven booze) have revealed that it is in fact a rare biological example of a fully detachable organ.
The beard is used primarily for attracting mates, and probably something to do with converting argon gas into vitamin C. I mean, these guys live on mead and rocks, so they gotta get antioxidants somehow, right? We'll just go with that. Mainly the only notable thing to remember about dwarf beards is that when a pansy human and a dwarf argue over whether or not shaved chicks are better, they're probably not on the same page.
The thirteen livers do the same thing as a human liver, just thirteen times better. Maybe other shit, too, but dwarves don't have time for boring biology crap. Moving on.
Boozeholes are for booze. There's other shit you can throw in there too, but those things mostly just act like a sponge, hampering the booze-absorption process. If a particularly whiny dwarf feels the need to "not starve to death," he can fill his empty boozehole with some nice non-porous rocks, or maybe a stack of five wine and rendered fat biscuits if he's really desperate.
Gratuitous Welsh accents do not exist. Never have. It doesn't matter that humans and *shudder* elves invented common. They're the ones who talk funny. Dwarves is the gooder talkers.
Gallery
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Dwarves will build elaborate floodgates and use them as weapons, even as their clothes rot from their bodies.
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