Elf

Elves are forest-dwelling sissies; the antithesis to the manly dwarf race. Elves are the chosen race of many Mary Sues in the fantasy setting thanks to their pointed ears, slender builds and and ever-perky breasts. Though related, they are not in fact eldar due primarily that one is found in space with guns that shoot shurikens and the other live in forests and have bows that loose arrows; unless you're playing something crazy like Spelljammer. In all actuality, female elves are the more manly of the elven race since they're the only ones to ever leave the forests and attempt to do manly things.

Even this masculine elf is actually female.

Or that could be why they're always scantily-clad and the fantasy of neckbeards everywhere.

It is well-known that Asians are, in fact, Elves.

Typical Elven Traits and Habits

Some people take this shit too far.

DM of the Rings webcomic

• Having long/pointed ears
• Hugging trees
• Anal pounding
• Eating granola
• Kissing bunnies
• Prancing in meadows
• Snapping in light breezes
• Being sissies or girls
• Bringing useless cloth to your dwarven fortress
• Radiating obscene levels of intense gay

All elves are female until proven otherwise.

In much the same way that a single dwarf can kill ten orcs, ten orcs can easily rape an elf. Though it doesn't count, cause they're elves.

Uses of elves

• Slaves/pets.
• 35 elf bone bolts can be made from one elf.
• Twigs make excellent fire starters
• Each elf contains about seven pints of elvish blood; easier to carry if you decant first.

Kinds of elves

Too goddamn many. They're all fucking like it's Pride Day and impregnating each other's butts, giving birth to a rainbow diversity of an affirmative-action nightmare.

Reproduction

The female elven reproductive tract is the throat. This has led to several traits evolving, such as long ears to aid in sex and chocolate-flavored semen. Unfortunately, the elven birth-rate is stagnant due to most female elves being haughty bitches who "don't do that!"

Half-elfs only come from human fathers, who find it very hard to go back to human women once they have experienced elf-sex. Human women involved with elven men never get around to getting pregnant when there is chocolate on offer.

Elves in 4th Edition

In Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition elves happen to be the all-around mechanically best race in the game for nearly every class (yes, an elf fighter will deal around the same damage a bugbear fighter can, with one or the other coming on top depending on the situation) due to their Elven Accuracy racial encounter power, the flat-out best racial power ever, which can be upgraded further with the Elven Precision racial feat. This mechanical advantage, of course, comes with the price of being an elf.

Why does /tg/ hate elves?

Truth

You don't really hate them for what they are, you hate them because you cannot get over the fact that once upon a time, you and your dork buttbuddies in middle school thought all that gay-ass DUAL-WIELDAN FROLICKAN DANCAN IMMORTALAN MARYSUAN was the pinnacle of fuckawesome.

AND NOW EVERY TIME YOU SEE THAT SKINNYFAT KID IN YOUR LGS ROLL ANOTHER GOOD DROW OR RP SOME LEGOLAS CLONE IN GAIA OR SOME OTHER INTERBUTT SHITHOLE, YOU ARE REMINDED THAT ONCE UPON A TIME, YOU SUBSCRIBED TO THAT KIND OF FAGGOTRY. NO FATGUY, YOU ARE THE SKINNYFAT KIDS. YOU ARE THE SKINNYFAT KIDS AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WALLOW IN YOUR FAVORITE GRIMDARK SHITPIT NOW, YOU CANNOT WASH AWAY THE TAINT OF YOUR FRUITY PAST. AND BY GOD, IT JUST KILLS YOU DEEP INSIDE DOESN'T IT? DOESN'T IT? DAMN RIGHT IT DOES.

I disagree.

Actual Reason /tg/ hates elves: Many fa/tg/uys are short and have small penises, beards, and a manly appearance. Therefore, they relate to dorfs instead. Also: elves are gay and the internet in general is homophobic... so there you go.

Also, God hates elves.