Elf: Difference between revisions

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*Twigs make excellent fire starters
*Twigs make excellent fire starters
*Each elf contains about seven pints of elvish blood; easier to carry if you decant first.
*Each elf contains about seven pints of elvish blood; easier to carry if you decant first.
*Excellent targets/punching bags. Not only do you hone your skills, but an elf is dead (or at least in pain) at the end. The perfect system!  (NOTE: Beware [[Warhammer Fantasy Battle|setting where the elves hit shoot back/punch you back]]).
*Excellent targets/punching bags. Not only do you hone your skills, but an elf is dead (or at least in pain) at the end. The perfect system!  (NOTE: Beware [[Warhammer Fantasy Battle|setting where the elves shoot back/punch you back]]).
*Snacks.
*Snacks.
*Easy start for aspiring pimps.
*Easy start for aspiring pimps.

Revision as of 07:39, 6 December 2015

If you made an Elf that looks just like that, then you are doing it right.

Elves are magical, pointy-eard, forest-dwelling hippies; the antithesis to the industrious, manly dwarven race. Though related, they are not in fact Eldar due primarily that one is found in space with guns that shoot shurikens and the other live in forests and have bows that loose arrows; unless you're playing something crazy like Spelljammer. Elves are the chosen race of many hipster Mary Sues in the fantasy setting thanks to their pointed ears, slender builds and ever-perky breasts. In all actuality, that could be why they're always scantily-clad and the fantasy of neckbeards everywhere.

The origins and nature of elves lies in Germanic mythology and folklore. Reconstructing the early concept of an elf depends almost entirely on texts in Old English or relating to Norse mythology, which all together is a clusterfuck of alternate versions and retcons. The facts about elves in these legends often changed though the general idea was a group of beings with magical powers and supernatural beauty, ambivalent towards everyday people and capable of either helping or hindering them. They have been everything from lesser gods to harmful fey beings almost as bad as demons. These varied portrayals and possible pagan origins led to further demonetization of elves when Christianity spread to those parts of the world. Most elves in modern fiction are derived from their usually benevolent, fey or near-angelic portrayal in Tolkien's works (ironically Tolkien himself was a Christian).

Please note that this article probably wouldn't concern Dark Eldar, and some forms of dark elf, who are usually many times more metal than their fruity non-dark cousins, allowing them some form of toleration or even acceptance by some smar/tg/entlemen. They are also much more likely to show some skin and/or put out, which helps.

NOTE: Below is a factual but tongue-in-cheek discussion about the aspects of elves. Due to various reasons including overuse, being arrogant, and the males being effeminate threatening the gender insecurities among the audience (such as yourself; WANT SOME OINTMENT FOR THAT BURN!?), there is ALOT of scorn towards elves among communities such as /tg/ and here. Read on, learn more and draw your own conclusions.

Common names for Elves

  • Elfs
  • Elfginas
  • Elftards
  • Lelves
  • Those Treehugging Assholes
  • Fey
  • The Fair (or Fey) Folk
  • Douche-bags
  • Fantasy's Worst Creation, Second Only To Blood Magic
  • Skinnies
  • Fruit (a common item of elven diet)
  • Smug Forest Cunts
  • Punching Bags
  • Dandelion Eaters/keebs (Shadowrun)
  • Knife Ears (Dragon Age)
  • Santa's Minimum-wage Sweatshop Workers
...FUCK (truth hurts doesn't it)

Typical Elven Traits and Habits

Some people take this shit too far.
  • Having long/pointed ears
  • Being physically agile
  • Magical powers (or just magic in their blood even if they can't use it)
  • Lifespan of hundreds to thousands of years, with correspondingly low birth rate.1
  • Hugging trees (How are we supposed to climb them?- an elf)
  • Anal pounding
  • Eating granola or other grain mixtures
  • Kissing bunnies
  • Prancing in meadows or equivalent
  • Snapping in light breezes
  • Being sissies or girls
  • Bringing useless cloth to your dwarven fortress
  • Radiating obscene levels of intense gay
  • Being unbelievably fucking smug
  • Washing my boots
  • Speaking in Dickensian prose and hacking into your computer network
  • Having Elfginas

All elves are female until proven otherwise.

footnote 1: What elves don't want you to know is they have a birthrate similar to humans, but to achieve their longevity and control their population, they eat their own young. That's why they want you to stay the fuck out of their forests: no witnesses. Another rational and plausbile explanation is that, due to their immortality/extreme long-livety, elves limit the number of children they have to prevent overpopulation.

Uses of elves

  • Slaves/pets.
  • 35 elf bone bolts can be made from one elf.
  • Twigs make excellent fire starters
  • Each elf contains about seven pints of elvish blood; easier to carry if you decant first.
  • Excellent targets/punching bags. Not only do you hone your skills, but an elf is dead (or at least in pain) at the end. The perfect system! (NOTE: Beware setting where the elves shoot back/punch you back).
  • Snacks.
  • Easy start for aspiring pimps.
  • Corporate negotiators
  • Orators
  • Actors
  • Mages
  • Circus performers
  • Hackers
  • Nothing of any value
  • Being better than you and whichever race you play as (unless you play as an elf) Applying butthurt to their sensitive ego

Kinds of elves

Another way to do it right.

Too goddamn many. Despite popular opinion. Elves are not homosexuals, if anything they're sluts. For example, early modern ballads in the British Isles and Scandinavia from the mediveal era describe human encounters with elves and often associate sexual threats with them.

Reproduction

The female elven reproductive tract is the throat. This has led to several traits evolving, such as long ears to aid in sex and chocolate-flavored semen. Unfortunately, the elven birth-rate is stagnant due to most female elves being haughty bitches who "don't do that!" And the adventurous, kindly spirits who aren't all take up adventuring to get away from the bitches, and so end up with human husbands.

Half-elves usually come from human fathers, who find it very hard to go back to human women once they have experienced elf-sex. Human women involved with elven men rarely get around to getting pregnant when there is a self replenishing supply of chocolate on offer.

Elves in 4th Edition

In Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition elves happen to be the all-around mechanically best race in the game for nearly every class (yes, an elf fighter will deal around the same damage a bugbear fighter can, with one or the other coming on top depending on the situation) due to their Elven Accuracy racial encounter power, the flat-out best racial power ever, which can be upgraded further with the Elven Precision racial feat.

This mechanical advantage, of course, comes with the price of being an elf and this legacy of OP mechanics and butthurt probably one of the main reasons they are scorned.

Elves and Dwarf Fortress

Elves in Dwarf Fortress are notably different than elves in other settings... They are the polar opposite of the above descriptions. The RAGE they create isn't inspired by their gay Mary Suedom, rather the RAGE they create is often related to primal fear and panic. They are terrifying figures of rape incarnate, meaning that all that rape usually focused upon elves in other fantasy settings will be thrust upon your little Dorfy settlers and fortress, with little to no mercy.

TL;DR THEY EAT PEOPLE

(The above may be the ramblings of an Elf propagandist. One of the ones the dwarves didn't drop into the lava. Yet.)

Elf hate in /a/

Even animes hate elves, with the antagonists of Last Exile being a race of elves who are complete pricks and pretty much the cause for the world's problems.

Is your Elf /tg/ approved?

Elf watching is a popular hobby

A Quick guide to making a /tg/ approved elf. Every answer of yes is a point in their favor.

  • Do they eat people?
  • Are they batshit crazy?
  • Does he/she do cocaaaaaaaaaaine?
  • Are they NOT Chaotic Good? Double extra important if it's a Drow
  • Does he/she wield a chainsaw? (only applicable to some settings Forget that part. A chainsaw wielding, magic casting elf will be accepted anywhere, due to the rules of awesome)
  • Is he/she NOT protective of trees/animals ? Alternatively, is he/she protective of trees and/or animals BUT to the point of bloody fanaticism ?
  • Is he/she sexually attractive?
  • Is he/she bloodthirsty?
  • Does he/she know how to work metal?
  • Is he/she skilled at making technology?
    • Is he/she skilled at using technology?
  • Is he NOT effeminate, if a he?
    • Does he have a beard?
  • If he is an archer or melee combatant, does he/she has visible muscles?
  • It is NOT another fucking Drizzt clone?
  • Does he/she inspire fear incarnate and is shunned if not hated by society ?
  • Is he NOT childishly, excessively optimistic ?
  • Does said elf fights with something ELSE than a bow/longsword/rapier/magic ? (Axes, hammers, fists, crossbows, hell even guns if you have them)
  • Does he/she swear profusely like a drunk pirate?
    • Does he/she drink?
      • Is he/she a pirate?
  • Are they not bigoted against non-elves? Alternatively, do they hate non-elves to the point of seeing them as vermin to be enslaved or destroyed?
  • Is it NOT like any other elf stereotype you have every seen ?

If you have a large majority of "yes", congratulations. You have a /tg/ approved elf.

For DM's, you can create any type of elven race. Be it faggy and hate inspiring or scary shityourpants, run away because its slowly coming this way. Slave-elf (often disapproved for a variety of reasons).

Don't let us know, or we will find you.

See Also

Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition Races
Player's Handbook 1 DragonbornDwarfEladrinElfHalf-ElfHalflingHumanTiefling
Player's Handbook 2 DevaGnomeGoliathHalf-OrcShifter
Player's Handbook 3 GithzeraiMinotaurShardmindWilden
Monster Manual 1: BugbearDoppelgangerGithyankiGoblinHobgoblinKoboldOrc
Monster Manual 2 BullywugDuergarKenku
Dragon Magazine GnollShadar-kai
Heroes of Shadow RevenantShadeVryloka
Heroes of the Feywild HamadryadPixieSatyr
Eberron's Player's Guide ChangelingKalashtarWarforged
The Manual of the Planes Bladeling
Dark Sun Campaign Setting MulThri-kreen
Forgotten Realms Player's Guide DrowGenasi
Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition Races
Player's Handbook DragonbornDrowDwarfElfGnomeHalf-ElfHalf-OrcHalflingHumanTiefling
Dungeon Master's Guide AasimarEladrin
Elemental Evil Player's Guide AarakocraGenasiGoliathSvirfneblin
Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide DuergarGhostwise HalflingSvirfneblinTiefling Variants
Mordenkainen's Tome of Foes Baatific TieflingsDuergarEladrinGithyankiGithzeraiSea ElfShadar-kaiSvirfneblin
Volo's Guide to Monsters AasimarBugbearFirbolgGoblinGoliathHobgoblinKenkuKoboldLizardfolkOrcTabaxiTritonYuan-Ti Pureblood
Eberron: Rising from the Last War BugbearChangelingGoblinHobgoblinShifterWarforged
Guildmaster's Guide to Ravnica CentaurElfGoblinHumanLoxodonMinotaurSimic HybridVedalken
Mythic Odysseys of Theros HumanCentaurLeoninMinotaurSatyrTriton
Plane Shift: Amonkhet AvenKhenraMinotaurNaga
Plane Shift: Innistrad Human
Plane Shift: Ixalan GoblinHumanMerfolkOrcSirenVampire
Plane Shift: Kaladesh AetherbornDwarfElfHumanVedalken
Plane Shift: Zendikar ElfGoblinHumanKorMerfolkVampire
One Grung Above Grung
Astral Adventurer's Guide Astral ElfAutognomeGiffHadozeePlasmoidThri-kreen
Dragonlance: Shadow of the Dragon Queen Kender
Unearthed Arcana GlitchlingMinotaurRevenant