Emperor's To-Do List

The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the Adeptus Custodes happens to have this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, and had a good breakfast.

It is a known and heretical fact that the Emperor will one day be reborn as the "star child" in the event he should finally die, as foretold by Tzeentch. Since this is Chaotic knowledge, the Adeptus Custodes will have none of it. When will it happen you ask? Simple: When Games Workshop finally decides to think logically and advance their stagnant plotl*BLAM*

We humbly apologize for exposing you to a viable corruption, please disregard any blasphemous nonsense about a Starchild. If you are troubled, upset or disturbed by what you just heard, or if you are experiencing any symptoms such as colors seeming more intense or strange exotic smells, please speak to your local morale officer.

WARNING:To all who edit, this is a Commissar free-for-all zone, meaning that Commissars don't give a shit if you're a Commissar or no.... Ohh shi-*BLAM*

A Cautionary Note

The Adeptus Custodes has done it's best to make sure this to-do list reaches the hands of every Imperial citizen undisturbed and without tampering. Tampering with this list is considered treasonous, as it subverts the true will of his Holiness the Emperor in raising morale of mankind across the Imperium. Should tampered copies of this list be discovered, the Inquisition shall be notified. BULLSHIT *BLAM*

+ Thought for the day: Truth is the brightest light in the darkness of space. +

This article has been approved by your local Commissar. +Amplus Palma Pro Terra!+

The Holy List (in no particular order)

"Yeah yeah I'll get to it. I just need some 'me' time right now."

1. Get better power armor.
2. Wipe out the Imperiu-HERESY!
3. Rebuild the Imperium to its former glory so it is not fucktarded like it is now.
4. Make peace with the Tau and trade technology with them then kill them afterwards for being weeaboo Xeno-communists.
5. Make peace with the Eldar and trade technology with them then wipe them out afterwards for being treacherous Xenos.
6. Pacify the Orks and keep them alive for gladiator sports or target practice for the Space Marines.
7. Put the Dark Eldar in Rehab. then eliminate them afterwards for being foul Xenos.
8. Wipe out the C'tan, starting with the Deceiver for beating me at poker eleven thousand years ago...jerk.
9. Wipe out the Necrons. On second thought, keep them around after wiping out the C'tan but kill the ones that can still think, then make them serve Humanity as an tireless, utterly loyal, and unkillable army and reverse engineer their tech. Those infinitely fast inertialess drives will free me from having to power this damned Astronomicon and power armor, ships, and weapons made out of necrodermis would kick ass. Heck, we could take the entire universe with their inertialess drives.
10. Teach the Tau how to fight in Melee. Then when they totally forget about their ranged weapons then *BLAM* them with our Bolters!
11. Purge Chaos from the universe and seal the Eye of Terror.
12. Tell the Sisters of Battle they can have sex with men and not to be pedophiles anymore. or be dyke lezbos. Which would be great if it weren't for the fact that there's no rules against Sisters of Battle having sex with men. Nor have there ever been. The author of the original bullet point must have tried to get it on with a SoB cosplayer at a convention, with predictable results. Except, of course, that Sisters have their vagoos sewn shut upon induction. Of course we can just re open them. Fuck what am i thinking!!!
13. Teach the Commissars NOT to kill the Guardsmen they're leading! Commend the Commissars on a job well done.
14. Marry Macha and fuck the Eldar out of her! Then have 40,000 babies with her!!!!!!!!!! -Deemed as #1 Priority by Creed and the Blood Ravens (particularly by Gabriel Angelos and Indrick Boreale.)
    (wait, how did Creed get in here and scribble on my to-do list? CREEEEEEEEEED!) The Emperor hated aliens as much as he hated Chaos. Fact, that part wasn't cooked up by the High Lords. BULLSHIT I WROTE THIS LIST Order the Ordo Xenos (OR "persuade" Slaneesh, whichever works) to find a method to turn Macha human (while preserving her sexyness), and THEN have 40.000 babies with her !
15. Eat a live Carnifex without the aid of sauces.
16. Eat another Carnifex with the aid of sauces.
17. Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Games Workshop.
18. Destroy the enemies of the Imperium...WITH FIRE! Let the Galaxy burn if needed.
19. Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than sending thousands of Guardsmen to take a hill outpost.
20. Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology and reverse enginner Xeno-tech so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps the Dark age of Technology left us.and threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
21. Replace the Imperial Guardsmen Flashlights Lasguns with something that can actually do shit! Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles and Gauss Flayers HELL YEA!!!!!
22. Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition dudes, Sororitas, Commissars.. heck everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and then let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
23. Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. after the Inquisition have given them a proper torturing.
24. Outangry Angron, outsex Fulgrim, outfortify Perturabo, outwit Magnus, outpreach Lorgar, and...I'll think of something Mortarion is good at and beat him at that won't make me want to puke.
25. Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging My prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it!
26. Show Slaanesh my dick and watch as he kills himself because of envy!
27. Hug Papa Nurgle and remain pure.
28. Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
29. Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process.
30. Outdick Eldrad. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him! Again!
31. Issue a order to the Inquisition and the Commissariat that Porn is not Heresy. However, fantasizing about porn is giving in to excess so it's still heresy; all porn is to be given to your local Commissar for review. Watching porn in the first place is giving one's self to excess and is thus, heresy.The commissariat already allows soft-porn to people, especially guardsman. see - novel rebel winter you faggots
32. Go back in time and tell the dumb fuck at Games Workshop who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong.", the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right." then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
33. Recognize /tg/ for its awesomeness. then wipe it off the face of Holy Terra for spawning half of the heresies we know today.
34. Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. to breed and create an incorruptible warrior race that will serve in his my name. Well, the Astartes are call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody.
    
35. Rename the Sisters of Battle to "Step-Daughters of the Emperor" or adopted daughters or something. They technically are not related to me the way the Astartes Primarchs are, and I don't want my boys to be too squicked... unless they're into that kind of kinky!
36. Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
37. Go on a deer-hunting trip with some Vindicare and kill bag more kills than him using an Exitus Rifle.
38. Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
39. Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
40. Outbrood a Culexus Assassin and still remain awesome.
41. Deceive the C'tan false God "The Deceiver" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
42. Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
43. Smack that sorry excuse for a "Spess Mehreen" Indrick Boreale for giving me the blasphemous nickname of "Emprah." C'mon Indrick, you want people to call you "Drick" for short?
44. Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
45. Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
46. Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshipped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks?
47. Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
48. Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program because it is HERESY, and any fa/tg/uys caught doing it be sent to the Inquisitional training academy to be used as "test-subjects" for the Inquisitors in training, or sent of to Adeptus Mechanicus to be turned into servitors. so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
49. Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space Viking, Leman Russ, and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
50. Prove the existence of the Alpha Legion.
51. Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire. Tyranids had to have come from SOMEwhere habitable. They terraform planets to their liking. So even if there were planets that were habitable there's no guarantee that humans can live on them. And secondly that would be irrelevant because they would be consumed by the Tyranids anyway.
52. Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just one unit as a scout, I field an ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts. (thus people will stop using Creed's name and will start saying EMPERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR!!1!!!one!!!!) We already do this.
53. Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout. yee-haw!
54. Recognize the Legion of the Damned for their awesomeness and badassery.
55. Apologize to Magnus for not listening to his warning.And afterwards,execute him for being a Traitor. Magnus deliberately disobeyed the Emperor and ruined centuries of planning.
56. Challenge Sly Marbo to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
57. Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only a lasgun.
58. Tear down the Ecclesiarchy. I Am Not A God, I am godly but not a god. I took offense when Lorgar started telling people this for a reason. Humanity has NO NEED for Gods. WE are the masters of OUR OWN DESTINY. Humanity should Seize our Destiny With our OWN TWO HANDs. Of course, faith in the Emprah is one of things that has kept Chaos at bay. Thus there is no practical reason to nullify this.
59. Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
60. Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the years decades centuries fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
61. Teach everyone the scientific method. Again.
62. Eat the Chaos Gods. Or brutalize them into line. Somehow...
63. Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again.
64. Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword.
65. Drag Leman Russ and Corax out of the Eye of Terror. Redundant.
66. Find the canon-nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
67. Throw a WAAAGH
68. Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH.
69. Aim said WAAAGH at the Necrons/Tyranids.
70. Bring a camera.
71. Force the use of the term "Heresy" punishable by flogging unless adequately vali-HERE-Gahk.. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION HIS ORDERS?! HERETICAL TRAITOR Ahem, validat- WHAT ARE YOU! SOME KIND OF TAU COMMIE OR FUCKING WEEABOO!? HERESY! *BLAM* validated
72. ????
73. PROFIT.
74. Find Lion El'Jonson and get him back on the front line owning shit.
75. Resurrect Rogal Dorn.
76. Visit Roboute Guillaume and tell him to hurry the fuck up and fully heal.
77. Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the Angry Marines, Manly Marines and those other guys Except for the Pretty Marines canon.
78. Kill the Commissar responsible for fucking up this list SHIT HE KNOWS
79. Forge another Legendary Power Sword so I can have TWO Legendary Power Sword's!!!
80. Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread ain't ready yet.
81. Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel.
82. Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
83. Promote Cypher to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent then any of the puny humans that get to that rank, and seems more reliable then Lion El'Jonson.
84. Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of Commorragh under the table, and then kick PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
85. Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
86. GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD?
87. Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since it's I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
88. Tell everybody that the Ultramarines are awesome. Reconsidered: first, I'll make them stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I'll make them REALLY awesome, and THEN I won't need to tell it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
89. Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxywide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a God would suck so hard?
90. Redesign the power armor pauldrons. I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON
91. Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see wannabe Horuses try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
92. Congratulate Abaddon for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then push him down a staircase.
93. Redesign my lightning claw, it looks silly.
94. Surf a flying leviathan.
95. Get GW to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
96. Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
97. Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
98. Once Alpharius and Omegon's time out is over, divide the Alpha Legion into Chapters. I don't look forward to dividing a Hundred Thousand space marines into a hundred chapters, shuffling ships around to provide fleets for all of them, filing the paper work for all this, coming up with a hundred names for them, selecting a hundred chapter masters and chief librarians, a thousand or so captains and librarians, ten thousand sergeants and introducing them all to the other chapters and getting them to kiss and make up.
99. Find the lost primarchs and make a hundred thousand space marines for each of them, then divide them into two hundred chapters.
100. Make Commissar Yarrick into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
101. And If I am already on it, why don't just resurrect Sanguinius to help me out with point #85, I also think that he would be very helpful with An'ggrath
102. Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat"legion for him to command.

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