Emperor's To-Do List

The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the Adeptus Custodes happens to have this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, and had a good breakfast.

The Holy List (in no particular order)

"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."

1. Get better power armor.
2. Wipe out the Imperiu-HERESY!
3. Rebuild the Imperium to its former glory. Implying that the Imperium has weakened?! *BLAM*
4. Make peace with the Tau and trade technology with them.
5. Make peace with the Eldar and trade technology with them.
6. Pacify the Orks and keep them alive for gladiator sports or target practice for the Space Marines.
7. Put the Dark Eldar in Rehab.
8. Wipe out the C'tan, starting with the Deceiver for beating me at poker eleven thousand years ago... jerk.
9. Wipe out the Necrons. On second thought, keep them around after wiping out the C'tan but kill the ones that can still think, then make them serve Humanity as an tireless, utterly loyal, and unkillable army and reverse engineer their tech. Those infinitely fast inertialess drives will free me from having to power this damned Astronomicon and power armor, ships, and weapons made out of necrodermis would kick ass. Heck, we could take the entire universe with their inertialess drives.
10. Teach the Tau how to fight in Melee. Then when they totally forget about their ranged weapons*We will never know what this said thanks to a dick commissar* Information packet retrieved from data segmentum sector ETDL666100934. Displaying text stream: we BLAM them with our Bolters!
11. Purge Chaos from the universe and seal the Eye of Terror.
12. Tell the Sisters of Battle they can have sex with men and not to be pedophiles anymore. or be dyke lezbos. Which would be great if it weren't for the fact that there's no rules against Sisters of Battle having sex with men. Nor have there ever been. The author of the original bullet point must have tried to get it on with a SoB cosplayer at a convention, with predictable results. Except, of course, that Sisters have their vagoos sewn shut upon induction. Of course we can just re-open them. Fuck, what am I thinking!!!
13. Teach the Commissars NOT to kill the Guardsmen they lead. To not kill as often. More at once, maybe. But not as often. Make it Tuesday Monday. Nobody likes Mondays anyways.
14. Marry Macha and fuck the Eldar out of her! Then have 40,000 babies with her!!!!!!!!!! -Deemed as #1 Priority by Creed and the Blood Ravens (particularly by Gabriel Angelos and Indrick Boreale.)
    (wait, how did Creed get in here and scribble on my to-do list? CREEEEEEEEEED!) The Emperor hated aliens as much as he hated Chaos. Fact, that part wasn't cooked up by the High Lords. BULLSHIT I WROTE THIS LIST Order the Ordo Xenos (or "persuade" Slaanesh, whichever works) to find a method to turn Macha human (while preserving her sexiness), and THEN have 40.000 babies with her! Gabriel Angelos already has dibs on her from what I hear.
15. Eat a live Carnifex without the aid of sauces.
16. Eat another live Carnifex with the aid of sauces.
17. Turn yet Another Carnifex into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last Carnifex that doesn't fear me.
18. Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Workshop.
19. Destroy the enemies of the Imperium.
20. Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than sending thousands of Guardsmen to take a hill outpost.
21. Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology and reverse-engineer Xeno-tech so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps the Dark age of Technology left us. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
22. Replace the Imperial Guardsmen Flashlights Lasguns with something that can actually do shit. Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles and Gauss Flayers HELL YEA!!!!! *BLAM* Heresy! His weaponry shall remain pure of your foul, xenos taint! *BLAM*
23. Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition dudes, Sororitas, Commissars... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and then let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
24. Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. after the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing.
25. Outangry Angron, outsex Fulgrim, outfortify Perturabo, outwit Magnus, outpreach Lorgar, and... I'll think of something Mortarion is good at that won't make me want to puke and beat him at it. Oh wait, huffing deadly poisons.
26. Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
27. Show Slaanesh my dick and watch as he kills himself because of envy!
28. Hug Papa Nurgle and remain pure.
29. Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
30. Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process.
31. Outdick Eldrad. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again.
32. Issue a order to the Inquisition and the Commissariat that Porn is not Heresy. However, fantasizing about porn is giving in to excess so it's still heresy; all porn is to be given to your local Commissar for review. Watching porn in the first place is giving one's self to excess and is thus, heresy. The commissariat already permits the distribution of soft-porn to people, especially guardsman. see - novel Rebel Winter you faggots
33. Go back in time and tell the dumb fuck at Workshop Matthew Ward who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right," then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
34. Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
35. Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. to breed and create an incorruptible warrior race that will serve in his my name. Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody. Space Marines are sterile. They ain't; in fact, testosterone is essential to their metabolism. They're just conditioned to not have a sex drive. But any conditioning can be broken, right?
36. Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
37. Go on a deer-hunting trip with some Vindicare and bag more kills than him using an Exitus Rifle a Long Las FUCKING LASPISTOL!!! MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
38. Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
39. Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
40. Outbrood a Culexus Assassin and still remain awesome.
41. Deceive the C'tan false God "The Deceiver" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
42. Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
43. Smack that sorry excuse for a "Space Marine" Indrick Boreale for giving me the nickname "Emprah." C'mon Indrick, you want people to call you "Drick" for short?
44. Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
45. Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
46. Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshipped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks?
47. Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
48. Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program because it is HERESY, and any fa/tg/uys caught doing it be sent to the Inquisitional training academy to be used as "test-subjects" for the Inquisitors in training, or sent of to Adeptus Mechanicus to be turned into servitors. (no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
49. Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space Viking, Leman Russ, and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
50. Prove the existence of the Alpha Legion.
51. Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire. Tyranids had to have come from SOMEwhere habitable. They terraform planets to their liking. So even if there were planets that were habitable there's no guarantee that humans can live on them. And secondly that would be irrelevant because they would be consumed by the Tyranids anyway.
52. Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just one unit as a scout, I field an ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts. (thus people will stop using Creed's name and will start saying EMPERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR!!1!!!one!!!!) We already do this.
53. Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout. *BLAM* You cannot defeat us!
54. Recognize the Legion of the Damned for their awesomeness and badassery.
55. Apologize to Magnus for not listening to his warning.And afterwards,execute him for being a Traitor. Magnus deliberately disobeyed the Emperor and ruined centuries of planning.
56. Challenge Sly Marbo to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
57. Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only a lasgun Laspistol FUCKING STUBGUN!!an angry glare.
58. Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
59. Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the years decades centuries fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
60. Eat the Chaos Gods. Or brutalize them into line. Somehow...
61. Hunt down m-*BLAM!* The Emperors Legendary Power Sword. Again.
62. Come up with a Name for m-*BLAM!* The Emperors Legendary Power Sword.
63. Drag Leman Russ and Corax out of the Eye of Terror. Redundant.
64. Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
65. Throw a WAAAGH
66. Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH.
67. Aim said WAAAGH at the Necrons/Tyranids.
68. Bring a camera.
69. Find and castrate everyone who keeps fucking with my list- I'm the Emperor, dammit! Can I even have my own personal to-do list?...This is what I get for helping humanity, I guess.
70. ???
71. PROFIT.
72. Find Lion El'Jonson and get him back on the front line owning shit.
73. Resurrect Rogal Dorn.
74. Visit Roboute Guillaume and tell him to hurry the fuck up and fully heal.
75. Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the Angry Marines, Manly Marines and those other guys canon.
76. Kill the Commissar responsible for fucking up this list Done and done my friend =)
77. Forge another Legendary Power SwordUse the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Sword's!!!
78. Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread ain't ready yet.
79. Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel.
80. Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
81. Promote Cypher to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent then any of the puny humans that get to that rank, and seems more reliable then Lion El'Jonson.
82. Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of Commorragh under the table, and then kick PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
83. Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
84. GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD?
85. Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since it's I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
86. Tell everybody that the Ultramarines are awesome. Reconsidered: first, I'll make them stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
87. Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a God would suck so hard?
88. Redesign the power armor pauldrons. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK.
89. Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see wannabe Horuses try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
90. Invent a power staircase.
91. Congratulate Failbaddon for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then push him down a power staircase.
92. Redesign my lightning claw, it looks silly.
93. Surf a flying leviathan.
94. Get GW to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
95. Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
96. Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
97. Once Alpharius and Omegon's time out is over, divide the Alpha Legion into Chapters. I don't look forward to dividing a Hundred Thousand space marines into a hundred chapters, shuffling ships around to provide fleets for all of them, filing the paper work for all this, coming up with a hundred names for them, selecting a hundred chapter masters and chief librarians, a thousand or so captains and librarians, ten thousand sergeants and introducing them all to the other chapters and getting them to kiss and make up.
98. Find the lost primarchs and make a hundred thousand space marines for each of them, then divide them into two hundred chapters.
99. Make Commissar Yarrick into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
100. And If I am already on it, why don't we just resurrect Sanguinius to help me out with point #85, I also think that he would be very helpful with An'ggrath.
101. Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
102. Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
103. Develop a method to make Adeptus Astartes bio-implants work also on women, then use the newly researched technology to turn the Sisters of Battle into female Space Marines. This will make those Slaanesh-worshiper cultists and Dark Eldar faggots think twice before violating ANY of my subjects (and would also hasten up point #34).
104. Find that pathetic excuse of a Black Library author C.S.Goto and kill him. WITH A MULTILASER TWIN-LINKED DUAL MULTILASER!
105. Introduce Matthew Ward to Sanguinius or Leman Russ in person. I'm somewhat curious whether he'll continue his bullshittery about how "Ultramarines are better than anyone else" afterwards. Or do anything after that.
106. Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
107. Find the C'tan called "The Outsider" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
108. Kill the idiot responsible for the last two "additions" to my list. I know where you live cultist, and I'm going to get you.
109. Finally win a game of Paradox poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
110. Organize my birthday party.
111. Rewrite this list to be closer to the canon.
112. Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
113. Rewrite this list to be half way legible. Seriously. it's a disorganized mess.
114. Find out how this Macha shit started, kill the faggot who made it, and then kill off Macha. The mere idea I would fuck a vile Xeno? HERESY! SUPREME HERESY!! TAKE THAT DOWN! FOR IT IS MY NEWEST VERDICT!
115. Apologize to Lorgar. None of this would have happened had I simply explained my super-sekrit-starve-the-fuck-out-of-Chaos idea to him. And then I could have let him preach when everything was as planned. What the fuck was I on back then.
116. Fuck Macha in every way possible, each way for several years, then figure out a new way to insert my penis into an orifice.
117. Relearn how to use basic grammar. Did I seriously just space out that badly? Fuck, man.
118. Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, causing him to explode.
119. Figure out how to tell my man bitches to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a magma cannon or something badass...
120. Apologize to Magnus. Sorry son, I fucked up. Bad. WHO THE FUCK KEEPS ADDING THIS 'SORRY MAGNUS' SHIT TO MY LIST?! I DID NOT FUCK UP. MAGNUS DID. *BLAM* CLAIMING TO BE THE EMPEROR IS *BLAM* SUPREME *BLAM* FUCKING *BLAM**BLAM*BLAM* HERESY!!!
121. Apologize to Angron. If I had saved his buddies as well he wouldn't have turned to evil. But Magnus still sucks dusty ass.
122. Find a way to come back to life. That Starchild and Sensei-Emperor shit won't work.
123. High-five Khârn for killing all those Chaos Space Marines and then again for being such a great guy. Then point at his shattered arm and laugh at him.
124. Add another item to this list.
125. Re-cushion the golden throne.
126. Fix my fucked up face.
127. Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on hiveworld planets.
128. Ask for a dreadnought next time I am mortally injured like this. Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started. Item 57 might help this along.
129. Beat Abbaddon with his own arms.
130. Recharge my iAuspex
131. Beat Matt Ward and C.S. Goto over the head with their crappy works
132. Tell the Black Templars to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
133. Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
134. Win a blinking contest with the eye of terror.
135. Fetch Badassius his coat.
136. Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
137. Challenge Doomrider into a coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
138. Convince Doombreed to allow a model of himself to be made.
139. Get a haircut.
140. Have a trip over to the dentist.
141. Start an intergalactic fast food chain.
142. Sue Blizzard.
143. Assign Primarch to the Angry Marines
144. Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
145. Find my driver's license and look up own name
146. Acquire at least two henchmen to entertain me with their constant failure.
147. Wait for a perfect opportunity to say "SnooPINGAS usual i see"
148. Make Galaxy Wide Web.
149. Invent a social network purely for space marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
150. Invent a website called 40.000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of IRL trolls that have taken control over the hive cities instead of the internet.
151. Outangry a Angry Marine
152. Outpretty a Pretty Marine
153. Beat Tzeentch at a game of Scrabble TWICE. Then dickslap him into the sun.
154. Outfap Faptau in a furry challenge.
155. Utterly destroy all furfaggotry. (space wolves not included!)
156. Complete The 666 Rituals of Detestation backwards just to flex how awesome I am. Then do it again. By multiplicicatives of x^3.4
157. Outpingas Dr. Robotnik.
158. Beat myself in armwesling with only one arm.
159. Listen to JUSTIN FUCKING FAGGOTYASS BIEBER (EXTRA EXTRA HERESY) for more than 10 consecutive seconds without succumbing to chaos or suicide.
160. Beat Ninja Gaiden on hard mode in less then 5 minutes with my ass, blindfolded, gagged and bound, while being attacked by raptors and bears, under water, in space.
161. Falcon Punch Chris Redfield in the dick for not being nearly racist enough in Resident Evil 5.
162. Beat Commissar Fuklaw in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
163. Tell the Blood Ravens to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
164. Satisfy Shlicktau to the point were she no longer wants to shlick.
165. Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
166. Wipe Nurgle's ass without vomiting my guts out and die a slooooooow death.(again)
167. Pimp the Golden Throne so that i may score even more bitches. (no you can't has)
168. Fuck the brains out of every single Sister of Battle, then tell them to go back to the kitchen where they rightfully belong.HERESY!
169. Make a show called "The fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
170. ???
171. PROFIT
172. Creed was here. no, I wasn't. Now I am!
173. Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out
174. Turn off my nightlight. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Too bad.
175. Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of exterminatus cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
176. Neuter Slaanesh, Preserve Tzeentch in Carbonite, Wash and Autoclave Nurgle, get Khorne married.
177. Find the cake from portal
178. Get Isha out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out. Incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. Just as Planned.
179. Buy milk
180. Seduce Isha, just to prove you could and watch as nurgle gets pissed
181. Then laugh.
182. Then give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
183. Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords
184. Build a gold fortress at the centre of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
185. Become human parasite.
186. Trick bear into going to college.
187. Create Earthquake Machine. You haven't heard of exterminatus obviously.
188. Invent time machine.
189. Travel to past; kill father. Wait, do I even have a father?
190. Punch Mork in the balls, with Gork's severed fist.
191. Promote Creed to Emperor; become his right hand man. HERESY!
192. Demote Creed and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
193. Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
194. Get Andy Chambers BACK!!!
195. Bitch slap Games Workshop for keeping Matt Ward on as a fucking codex writer, filling the Grey Knights with HERESY and basically making Rowboat Girlyman the second Emperor
196. Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a rip off of Gears of war/Starcraft in the balls with Powerboots. Then send the Angry Marines in
197. Beat Matt Ward to death with C.S. Goto.
198. Beat C.S. Goto to death with Matt Ward's corpse.
199. Using the time-machine to drink Leman Russ under the table.
200. Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
201. Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
202. Then.. shit, I dunno, watch Adventure time or something.
203. Learn values of Love and Toleration from My Little Pony and conquer the galaxy with friendship. Message intercepted by Angry Marines. Response: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!
204. Personally put my POWER FIST through MATT WARD , if I haven't already and have all Khornate Knights put through all Inquisitorial Torture methods.
205. Resurrect Sanguinius. On related subject, figure out how to cure the Black Rage.
206. Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
207. Force the whole of the Imperium to watch my little pony so that they understand it isn't that bad, Hell I've been sitting here for a millennium, need to do something other than making this list to keep from getting bored ALIEN PROPAGANDA WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, DEATH TO THE XENOS LOVING SCUM *BLAM*
208. Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again
209. Resurrect Chuck Norris then kill him with a roundhouse kick HERESY! The emperor and Chuck Norris are best friends.
210. Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list! and my secret stash of porn
211. Destroy My Little Pony and the heretical bronies, thoroughly Never mind, I found a screen cap that says I'm best. It had "Trips of Truth" and everything.
212. Beat the living hell out of the guy/people who gave Mass Effect 3 shitty endings.
213. Then do it again.
214. Buy a really big gun to gather a load of orks and shit in the middle of nowhere.
215. Viral bomb said area.....
216. ???
217. Profit!
218. Show Rick Santorum who the TRUE God of humanity is!
219. Take a dump on the golden throne.
220. Congratulate Vance Stubbs.
221. Shit on the corpse of that sad excuse for a space marine, Boreale.
222. Reverse the damage done to the space marines codex done by MATT "DUMBSHIT" WARD and make the Ultramarines awsome again.(I miss the days when they were the average space marine and not second to me).
223. Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armour set is just SO millennia ago
224. Divide by 0