Human

Humans (Scientific name Homo Sapiens, Eldar slang Mon'Keigh, and Ork slang "squishy humie/oomie") are a species of bilaterally symmetrical carbon based creatures native to earth. Humans have five appendages, two longest ones underneath for locomotion, two more flexible appendages in the middle that split into very fine tentacles on the ends for manipulation, and the shortest limb up top for sensation, stand upright and have nearly their entire cognitive organ contained within the a bony shell inside the sensory limb, the rest of it in a bone sheathe in the middle baggy part. Humans on average stand erect between 1.6 and 2 meters in height, and mass between 50 and 100 kilograms. Humans are descended from arboreal omnivores which migrated on the plains of the landmass locally named "Africa." They have only mild gender dimorphism: females are smaller by 9% on average, only males have protrusions at the base of the locomotor limbs, and nearly all females have two protruding subdermal glands on their front thorax near the base of the manipulation limbs. Previous theories that the female gender is 20% weaker than the other gender(s) have been proven false.

Humans are a playable race in almost every game, which is a complete mystery to most. If you're going to imagine your character as a gunfightan, spellslinging, wall-vaulting, asskicking superman, what's the point of suddenly slapping that little bit of realism in there? Therefore, they are largely overlooked in most games (except for 3.5e D&D players who HAD to have that extra first-level feat). Indeed, most descriptions of the species for playable races go something like "they're just like humans, except for this." Most of the time, you'll honestly prefer some of the actual DEFINING TRAITS that come with playing another race, whether it's Never-Say-Die Elfdar vehicles (as opposed to Spess Mehreen 14-armor dickery) or some kind of crazy mutation/horns/dragon wings. Basically, the benefits can never truly erase the boredom you'll get from still being a human, despite all your other options.

Humans are represented in most games as the most balanced and widespread race, which is a blatant bit of self-flattery, or it can be read to mean that they are the most mediocre and suck equally at everything. When they ARE given distinct advantages, is to be more "versatile" or "jack-of-all-trades" than other bipedals... which is kind of a non-advantage: "we didn't know what to give you, so here's a gift certificate at the local racial feature shop to buy something." You would think that human's exceptional endurance compared to other Earth species would come into play, but it never does.

Human Special Rules:

• Rule number one: In every scifi movie and game involving aliens, humans MUST suck. No exceptions. Unless they're grimdark psycho-indoctrinated, genetically enhanced, Catholic Space-Nazis, or an evil version of thereof. In which case, they're the best damn things in the setting where combat is concerned.
• Rule number two: humans always have the crappy weapons when fighting xenos(ie: Halo. Bullets vs. Plasma. Warhammer 40,000 flashlights vs. real weapons...)
• Rule number three: humans must always be subjected to horrendous deaths in any war, real or fiction, by the hundreds.

Rule number four: Also, in every movie that involves armed fictional conflict, there must always be one heavily plot-armored character that can beat the odds no matter how retardedly outnumbered and outgunned he is.

• Rule number five: Humans ALWAYS WIN. ALWAYS.

Also, our butthurt knows no fucking bounds.