Human

Humanity: everybody's friend.

Humans (Scientific name Homo Sapiens, "Inferior/simple-minded race" as seen by your generic super-intelligent and advanced race, "weak/frail race" as seen by your generic war-mongering race, and "Nom noms" as seen by the race that only exists to consume and grow) are a species of bilaterally symmetrical carbon-based creatures native to a small rocky planet orbiting Sol. Humans have five appendages: the two longest ones underneath for locomotion, two more flexible appendages in the middle that split into very fine tentacles on the ends for manipulation, and a cranium up top for sensation. They stand upright and have nearly their entire cognitive organ contained within a bony shell inside the sensory limb, the rest of it in a bone sheathe in the middle "baggy" part. Humans on average stand erect between 1.6 and 2 meters in height, and mass between 50 and 100 kilograms. Humans are descended from arboreal omnivores which migrated on the plains of the landmass locally named "Africa." They have only mild gender dimorphism: females are smaller by 9% on average, only males have protrusions at the base of the locomotor limbs, and nearly all females have two protruding subdermal glands on their front thorax near the base of the manipulation limbs. Previous theories that the female gender is 20% weaker than the other gender(s) have been proven false.

Humans are a playable race in almost every game, which is a complete mystery to most species. If you're going to imagine your character as a gunfightan, spell-slingan, wall-vaultan, asskickan superman, what's the point of suddenly slapping that little bit of realism in there? Therefore, they are largely overlooked in most games (except for 3.5e D&D players who HAD to have that extra first-level feat). Indeed, most descriptions of the species for playable races go something like "they're just like humans, except for this." Most of the time, you'll honestly prefer some of the actual DEFINING TRAITS that come with playing another race, whether it's Never-Say-Die Elfdar vehicles (as opposed to Space Marine 14-armor dickery) or some kind of crazy mutation/horns/dragon wings. Basically, the benefits can never truly erase the boredom you'll get from still being a human, despite all your other options.

Humans are represented in most games as the most balanced and widespread race, which is a blatant bit of self-flattery, or it can be read to mean that they are the most mediocre and suck equally at everything. Most notable can be in D&D 2.0, in which every race had a given benefit, save the humans who had nothing. When they ARE given distinct advantages, is to be more versatile, adaptable or "jack-of-all-trades" than other bipeds, which is kind of a non-advantage: "we didn't know what to give you, so here's a gift certificate at the local racial feature shop to buy something." You would think that humans' exceptional endurance compared to other Earth species would come into play, but it never does.

Oh, also Humanity Fuck Yeah.

Human Special Rules:

• Rule number one: In every scifi movie and game involving aliens, humans MUST suck.
  No exceptions. Unless they're grimdark psycho-indoctrinated, genetically enhanced, Catholic Space-Nazis, or an evil version of thereof. In which case, they're the best damn things in the setting where combat is concerned. In every fantasy movie and game involving elves, dwarves, goblins, etc. humans MUST be boring. No exceptions. Elves are the tall fast guys with great magic who live in the trees, Dwarves are the short strong guys with badass technology who live in the tunnels, humans are the boring medium guys with absolutely nothing special and completely average stats.
  • Unless this is John Carter of Mars in which the title human is an unstoppable one man army, who can kill four armed giant bug Martians with ease. Or if it's Middle Earth (if you don't think the Edain are awesome, you probably don't know enough about the setting), or Star Wars (where the humans are the most powerful, diverse, and influential race in the setting), Star Trek (where the humans are the ones responsible for much of the good stuff in the setting), or Avatar (where the humans are awesome, but portrayed as villains for being pragmatic).

• Rule number two: Humans always have the crappy weapons when fighting technologically advanced/intelligent xenos(eg: Halo - Bullets vs. Plasma. Warhammer 40,000 - factory-built flashlights vs. alien ninja-star guns/living poison guns/cursed-soul-shooting guns). In the case of simple-minded/primitive xenos, the humans must be eaten/dismembered/eviscerated/disemboweled/some combination thereof by said xenos (eg: Bugs vs Mobile infantry, Xenomorphs vs Colonial Marines). In fantasy, humans always have the boring practical weapons when fighting any other race (eg: Humans vs Elves or Dwarves - Long swords and crossbows vs. magic bows and badass knives or giant hammers and axes and cannons).

• Rule number three: Compared to any other race, Humans must always be subjected to horrendous deaths in any war, real or fiction, by the hundreds, and often disproportionately to their involvement in said war.

• Rule number four: In every work that involves armed fictional conflict, there must always be one heavily plot-armored character that can beat the odds no matter how retardedly outnumbered and outgunned he is. This character is human if humans are involved in the conflict at all.

• Rule number five: Humans ALWAYS WIN. ALWAYS, in the end of it all. Either by the efforts of pre-mentioned Mary Sue or through the well-honed tactic of drowning their enemies in their own blood and corpses. This is because we can't win any other way, unless you're SPESS MARHEENS. (That's a fact)

Also, our butthurt knows no fucking bounds.

Human mating practices

We do have these. The writers of this wiki have not studied them. Why should we?