Japan

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This article is bad, and you should feel bad about it.

japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's "beautiful"

(ominus low E5 maybe?)in the year negative 1,000,000,000 (drop music, dead)japan might not have been here. (resume music, mybe) in the year -40,000, it was here, and you could walk to it and some people walked to it.

then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, (slosh sound) it became an island ,and now there's lots of "trees!" (brisk, short, up beat. airy.like maybe with a light high reverby string triad)because it's warmer.

so now there's people on the island, they're basically sort of hanging out (in between the mountains) eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology, like stones! and bowls! (groovy! they put like shoelaces on them or something)

[actually their technology was super sick. they had bows, and they knew how to fish, and there was plenty of food growing on trees all the time, it was great, but then it got colder and there was less food and less people and it was pretty sad.] cut

(ding, dong) (bell sound) it's the outside world, and they have technology from the future (flash "bronze age" on the screen in the corner somewhere). like really good metal, and Crazy Rice Farms (exaggerate this visually, but not with vocal effects). now you can make a lot of rice, really really quickly. (side note: (like, tint the screen and caption it as a side note) that means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food. (red) which is something everybody needs to survive (epic reverb and matching graphic huge dramatic effect or whatever)

so that makes you king.

rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here, with these main kingdoms. eventually, This became the main main kingdom (yamato), in control of the entire land.

knock knock, get the door, it's religion.

it's buddhism, and Baekje wants you very badly to try it.

"please try this religion" said Soga. (baeklje was paying him to say this, i think) NO, said everybody.

"TRY IT" said soga.

NO said everybody, again. quieter this time.

and so the religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it. (show 17 article constitution.)

eventually someone else took control of the government.(Prince Naka no Ōe and Nakatomi no Kamatari) and made some reforms. (taiko reforms). they wanted to make it Govern More (ritsuryo)

they decided to Own Everybody's Land, and also register everyone for tax paying.

this is turning into a real gv. they have contact with China's gvt. they have introduced themselves as 'sunrise land'

they borrow some of China's alphabet to write a book about thmself. then write lots of poetry and art and another book about themself

then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died, and kept it in one place for a while . right here (heia?? kyo) so they could make it bigger and stronger with like more offices and departments. and they conquered the north, finally. (show checking off checklist) (just) get that squared away

& they generally stopped talking to china, because the Chinese government was kind of falling apart at this point.

japan changed their writing system (kana) a little bit. then they did more art, and poetry start to show examples) (then clarify) the rich people in the palace did art and poetry the poor people probably had to work

the art and poetry and writing got better and better, and the imperial palace was so busy doing art and fighting over the throne that they didn't really care about the rest of the country.

rich people in the suburbs had to hire Thugs to protect their shit

the thugs got more organized and became as powerful as the government. (right here, say where the headquarters is, and introduce terms "shogun" and/or "shogunate")

they let the emperor still be "emperor" but the warriors were actually in control

Breaking news, the mongols have invaded china. "we've invaded china" said the mongols. "please respect us, or else we might invade you as well."

"okay" said japan (swords drawing, with sheath noise)

so the mongols came over, and tried to fight the Japanese. on the first day, the Japanese did pretty well, and on the second day, the Mongols army was randomly destroyed by a tornado

the mongols said what the fuck and tried again. this time, after 7 weeks of fighting, the mongols were randomly destroyed by another tornado.

the warriors were very excited, but very tired ......

then the Emperor overthrows the Shogunate, then the the shogunate overthrows him back and installs a different emperor, who makes the shogun shogun again, now in Kyoto.

[so how's the economy right now?]

It's Great, actually! there's a lot of trade with Korea and China, things are going really great, thanks for asking.

AND THERE'S A LOT OF NEW ART, here are some of the types:

(list types)

it's time for Who's Going to be the Next Shogun?

usually it's the shoguns kid. but the shogun doesn't have a kid. so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. he says 'ok' but then the shogun has a kid.

SO NOW WHO IS IT GOING TO BE?

vote now on your phones.

and everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down.

the shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry.

and the whole country began fighting for control of the country.

["FREE FOR ALL!" (sound clip from smashbros64) everyone is fighting. EVERYONE is fighting.] cut, replac with above line. (can you show a map?)

(boat crash landing sound)

knock knock, it's europe. no, they're not here to Take Over (yet), they just want to sell some shit, like clocks. and GUNS (pan hard right with rev/delay jingle: and "jesus"

meanwhile, this clan is ready to win the free for all, but they are INTERCEPTED by somebody younger, crazier, and more talented (oda nobunaga)

he builds a castle Close to the city, but just far enough so that it won't catch on fire from drama. he is about halfway through conquering japan when someone who works for him kills him. and then someone else who works for him kills them . and That guy finishes conquering japan. and then he confiscated everybody's swords! "and now i'm going to invade korea, and then hopefully China!" he said, and failed. and also died.

so ANOTHER GUY (tokugowa Ieyasu) took over (after fighting everyone else who wanted to take over)

and moved the capital to Edo, which seemed like a good strategy at the time, and he still let the "Emperor" in kyoto dress like an "Emperor"

the Tokugowa family continued to rule japan for a long time, and they were VERY strict. so strict they closed the country. no one can leave, and no one can come in. (sidenote)EXCEPT for the dutch, if they want to buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here (circle Dejima)

now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a LOT. business increased. schools were built. roads were built. everyone learned to read. books were published. there was art, poetry, plays, fashion, and Dutch Studies.

people started to study european science from books they bought from the dutch. we're talkin geography, medicine, astronomy, languages, physics, and maybe even electricity (emphasize this with graphic swell and touch of audio. and full screen something .)

over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow d- (interrupt the narration.) (boom. big huge low drone note/drum hit. just show a huge freakin ship. and possibly an overlay of the united states flag at the time. narrate a little more solemly this time)

knock knock. it's the united states. with Huge boats, with guns. gunboats.

"open .. the country. stop .. having it be closed." said the United States.

there was really nothing they could do. so they signed a contract that lets United Stats, Britain and Russia visit japan any time they want.

Choshu and Satsuma hated this. "that sucks." they said. "this SUCKS." and they overthrew the shogunate, and somehow, made the Emperor the Emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed 'Eastern Capital' (Tokyo). they made a new government... which was a Lot More Western. (maybe show 'privy council' compared to british privy council?) in fact they hired hundreds of Westerners to help make the government more Western. they made a new constitution, that was .. pretty Western. (show a diagram of govt if you can, showing house of representatives, etc) and a military that was pretty western. (show visually LARGE)

and do you know what else is western? that's right, it's CONQUERING STUFF (visually large, but not so much in audio)

so what can we conquer? (map showing japan and surroundings) (quick zoom to korea) Korea! they conquer korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, ... and then go "a little bit further" (liaodung peninsula) but Russia rushes in, out of nowhere, and says "stop, no, you can't take that. we were gonna .. build a railroad thru here, to .. try and get some warm water, ..

and Russia builds their railroad ... supervised by a shit-ton of soldiers, and then when the railroad was done, they downgraded to, (fake out decrease graphic, then immediately increase) a FUCKTON. did i say downgrade, i meant upgrade.

and Japan says "can you maybe chill". and russia says "how about maybe you chill." (maybe pointing finger appears on that word?)

(silent, black background.) japan is kind of scared of russia. you'll never guess who is also kind of scared of Russia. quick crossfade into spin around the world.) Great Britain

so Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together, so they can be A Little Less Scared Of Russia.

feeling confident, japan goes to war with russia, just for a moment (show actual time),

jingle: "it's time for world war 1" see movie 65

the World is about to Have A War. because, it's the 1900s, and Weapons are getting crazy, and all these Empires are excited to try them out on each other. (you can show diagram if you want)

meanwhile, japan has been enjoying conquering stuff, and wants MORE (huge, voracious emphasis.) and the next thing on their list is (show "to be conquered" checklist) this part of China, (tsingdao) and lots of tiny islands . All that stuff belongs to Germany.

which just had war declared on it by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being tresspassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France's ass because France is friends with Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria/(hungary)'s ass, because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia's ass, because someone in serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. er, actually he shot him in the head.

and Britain is currently friends with Japan. so you know what that means. (silent pause.) Duh, japan should invade all up in Germany's shit! which they wanted to do anyway.

so they call britain on the Tele(gram) to sort of ... Let Them Know .

and then they did it! and they also helped Britain a little, here and there, with some errands and stuff.

(classic ringing bell sound)

now the war is over, and Congratulations Japan! you technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the Negotiating Table! with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. and Yes, japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from germany. you also get to join the post war Mega Alliance: the League Of Nations !!! jingle see movie 66 (spoken quicker, like fine print) who's mission statement is to Try Not To Take Over the World The Great Depression (big low ominous slam, title screen, slowly growing multiple layer thing a la pineapple or mountain of regret) (narated still over that ominous thing) the great depression is bad. and japan's economy is now crappy. (break from ominous) but the military is is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria. and the League of Nations is like "no, don't do that, if you're in the league of nations your'e not supposed to take over the world!" (almost like Eric Wareheim 'i cant waeeaeit' sort of voice)

and japan said, "how bout i do anyway" jingle , see movie 71.mov

and japan invaded more and more and more and more of china, and was planning to invade the entire East. (show proposed map of greater east asia co prosperity sphere)

you've got mail" it's from Germany, the new leader of Germany. he has a cool mustache, and he's trying to take over the world and needs friends. (show text, quick letter type / crop reveal of the contents of email: "i am interested in taking over the world, and i was wondering if you could be my friend." this also got forwarded to Italy. they all decided to be friends, because they had so much in common. (immediately fill table with 'trying to take over the world' and 'needs friends')

"it's time for world war 2" jingle movie 72.

Germany is invading the neighbors. then they invade the neighbors' neighbors. then the neighbors' neighbors' neighbors , who happened to be britain said 'holy shit' and the united states started helping britain, because they are "good friends" see movie 77.

and started Not Helping japan (clearly indicate or caption somewhere on the screen that that means they stopped "selling oil"), because 'they're "friends and our friends are not friends" (tiny gap) "plus they're planning on invading the entire ocean" same mel. see movie 79.

the United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb. bigger than any other bomb, ever.

Just In Case (maybe like, real silent, plain text, full screen, background dimmed. real dead voc.) ( if you can really subtlely indicate Germany .... in the background. )

but they still haven't joined the war. war looks bad on TV, and united states is really starting to care about their image.

But then, japan spits on them ! in Hawaii, and challenges them to war. and they say Yes! and then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. so the United States goes to war in Europe (scale tip, germany flies off) and they help the gang chase germany back into germany, and then when they are done, they chase japan back into japan.

and they haven't used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on japan. (devastating explosion which stops all music.) (then after a medium pause , like 3 sec?) "they actually drop 2"

(longer pause, overwhelming silence / mushroom cloud, etc.)

(silent.)

(white flag appears, which says "ok, you win" no vocal here.)

United States installed a new government (show like install wizard or something, maybe even include process details like constitution, blah blah blah, etc) inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for big international businesses to do big international business, such as sell lots of cars, and electronics.

then the economy got worse and staed kinda bad, (show line graph of econ) but they continued to make great video games and cartoons.