Paradox poker

Every Saturday night, without fail, the Emperor, Tzeentch, Cegorach and the Deceiver get together with drinks and snacks and sit down to enjoy another thrilling game of paradox poker.

The very epitome of trolling, dickery and awesome in all it's glory, the game is an intense duel of minds to outfuck your opponents until only one remains. Since it is impossible for a point of space to maintain it's form with so much concentrated just as planned in one spot, they create a new sub-reality to play their game in every week. However, since the reality collapses very quickly, no-one ever truly wins at paradox poker and the intent is more of having a good time with some bros and keeping their minds sharp. Should anyone ever actually win...it is likely the known universe would implode on itself.

Mortals such as Asdrubael Vect, Lady Malys, Ahriman, and Eldrad Ulthran keep trying to peek in through the window to catch a glimpse at this sheer awesomeness but the guard spawn around Tzeentch's bungalow deter everyone lest they get nommed. A good thing too since mortals can't view this without....well, without imploding at the sight of this godly game.

There is a dumbed down version of this game for mortals called Munchkin which involves great levels of dickery between players.

The Players

• The Emperor: The straightforward logicfag, the Emperor can plan ahead but prefers plans involving direct action and keeping tightlipped about his overall goals. This means though he may not be open to play with others even if this suits him and he can get blinded to the obvious if he is too focused on the task at hand.

• Tzeentch: The chancing gambler, Tzeentch is the king of dick moves. He is an expert of making plans within plans alongside existing plans and while small victories against him may be gained, he is rarely put into a disadvantaged position. He does play the game though for the sake of playing and can take big risks for seemingly no apparent reason. But then it is all fun to that old bird.

• Cegorach: The wild card, completely unpredictable and likes to play moves just to screw up the games of the others. However he is so obsessed with having fun he might just trip himself up.

• The Deceiver: The grand illusionist, he's been playing poker with peoples' lives back when the others were just wee nippers. His play style is a long haul gamer, using tricks and traps to lure his enemies in. When asked how he's still here, even after being sharded by the Necrons, he gave the interviewers the answer in riddle form that turned them irredeemably insane after obsessing to solve it.

Great historic moments in the paradox poker games

• The Emperor readies a new powerful card, Magnus the Red, for use. Tzeentch reveals what he showed was a weak hand to be fake and he had the Magnus card and the Thousand Sons cards in his hand all along and what the Emperor has it a dud! The Emperor looks at his rapidly diminishing hand with worry.

• The Emperor sees that Tzeentch is gonna wreck him so he uses Stop Timeline card.Tzeentch uses card Expand Past Timeline.Emperor creates series known as Emperor and Text-to-Speech device

• The Emperor pulls the wool from under Tzeentch by toppling the entire Horus Heresy in one stroke. In turn however Tzeentch declares this means the Emperor must do a dare or a forfeit. The Emperor wusses out and does a forfeit, in which he has to stay seated to a gold toilet for 20,000 years. Much laughter is had at the table and the Emperor goes bright red with embarrassment.

• Cegorach tries to trick the C'tan into eating each other. The Deceiver, not to be outdone, joins in. Laughing at it all, Tzeentch decides he'll have a go too. Only the Emperor holds back his hand, eyeing the weird brain shaped warp creatures crowding outside the table warily....

• The Deceiver tricks Abaddon the failure into attacking the Gothic Sector, so that the weapons Cegorach seeded there in the past couldn't be used against him in a later turn. Cegorach shakes his head and smiles, all the while stroking two cards he had placed in waiting in his hand.

• The Hive Mind (see below) uses the entirety of it's Hive Fleet Behemoth deck in conjunction with the Swarmlord card then challenges the Emperor. The Emperor uses all of the 10 Ultramarine Battle Company cards and forfeits the 1st one to stop the Hive Mind.

• For giggles, Tzeentch keeps using the Abaddon and Black Crusade cards in combination, to try and confuse the other three into thinking some great big plan is in operation. While the Deceiver and Cegorach are not fooled the Emperor buys it hook, line and sinker and continues to keep foiling Abaddon's plans, which leaves him in a fluster, Tzeentch soiling himself in amusement and the other two wondering if they are going to keep getting into a loop over this.

• Just for once the Deceiver plans to do some totally unexpected and opens a Necron portal right inside the Emperor's place, causing a full scale Necron invasion of Terra, forcing the Emperor to respond, getting Chaos mixed up and threatening the centre of the Imperium to drown in legions of it's enemies. Just before it all comes to pop, GW swoops in and informs everyone that move is no longer considered canon and resets everything, leaving a lot of sore asses everywhere.

Banned Guests

The game gets old a bit fast, so once in a while, the Parthenon tries to invite new players into the game to liven things up. Some guests, however, tend to be a bit more disruptive than most.

• Creed - Unanimously barred from ever participating at a game after hiding a Titan legion behind everyone's hand.
• Trazyn the Infinite - Also unanimously banned after trying to loot everyone else using a Tesseract Labyrinth.
• Sly Marbo - Unanimously banned. In his first (and only) game Tzeentch went first and played the GW Retcon card, removing Marbo from the lastest Astra Miltrium BLAM! Imperial Guard codex. This made Marbo flip the table and declare himself the winner. Everyone was too scared to deny him his victory thus making it the only game of Paradox Poker ever to be won by someone. Marbo hasn't bothered turning up again as he didn't think it was a challenge.

Common Guests

Some guests show up more frequently than others to add to the game but for whatever reason, aren't quite capable of becoming fully fledged players.

• The Hive Mind - While certainly smart and canny when it wants to be, the Hive Mind's voice of a thousand mental patients gargling a million nails in motor oil and weird syntax gets on the other player's nerves in short order, resulting in it mostly being a guest player. When it does show up, the Hive Mind likes to go for quantity over quality plays but occasionally mixes things up with displays of shocking intellect; often paired with the Swarmlord card.
• Mork - Though usually busy with fighting Gork, Mork is always fun to play with even if he does have a rather crude sense of humor befitting a god of one half of Orkiness. Fond of hitting you hard when you're not looking, Mork may not look overly smart but he's got brutal cunning like no other.
• Cypher - Constantly tries to rig the game whenever he shows up, by seeing the cards everyone else plays then travelling to an earlier timeline and trying to counter them. This causes Tzeentch to rage, despite the fact that the gods all have better cards in their hands than Cypher. The Deciever combos with Cypher to pull some impossible shit that gets everyone else scratching their heads. Some people think he's rigging the game in the Emperor's favour, others think he keeps trying to position himself next to Big Emps to poke him with a sword. Noone is entirely certain though, nor do they know how his head hasn't exploded despite his mortality.
• The Primarchs - All of the Primarchs, at one point or another, have had a go at their old man's hobby. It usually ends badly for everyone involved.