Asdrubael Vect

Asdrubael Vect in all his bitch-getting glory.

And you thought Eldrad was a prick. (This is canon, by the way.)

Asdrubael Vect is the biggest troll to ever walk the 40k universe. He is also a sick fuck.

Vect is the Supreme Lord of the Kabal of the Black Heart and the Pimp Master General of Commorragh. He spends most of his time plotting how to troll people. Basically, he does it for the lulz.

He's also one really old son of a bitch. Apparently older than a FUCKING GOD! He gives Eldrad penis envy.

He also was a close combat monster on the tabletop, being one of the few characters who could reliably go toe to toe with Abaddon the Despoiler and win, something he shared with Mephiston and the Swarmlord. Entire armies suffered critical existence failure the moment he got within reach. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ. This was prior to his removal though, and he has not had actual statistics for a while now.

Despite being someone who would, concievably, have done a lot in over ten-thousand years, fluff itself is rather sparse concerning Vect, except to mention him killing other Archons.

Being one of the oldest pricks in history, predating even Eldrad

Asdrubael Vect is bigger than a dick, he's a prick. He is constantly bringing things to an unprecedented level of dickishness allowing himself to steeple his fingers and cackle "Just As Planned!" while, simultaneously having his cock sucked by his twin blonde lesbian sex slaves. Yeah, he's just that much of a boss.

In fact the only reason he managed to last this long is because no one has ever been able to out-prick him, at least until Yvraine threw his rulership into question and escaped all his attempts at retribution. And, considering Commorragh is a place where rape is considered as exciting a pastime as eating a ham sandwich, that's fucking saying SOMETHING. There have been numerous occasions where the various Archons of other Kabals have tried to assassinate him in order to gain lordship over all of Commorragh. So far Vect has managed to trump each of them in the most dickish ways possible. Just a small example: he planned for the invasion of Commorragh by three Space Marine chapters in order to kill off all of the remaining old Eldar Empire nobility in Commorragh, ensuring he would be unopposed and unbeatable in the Dark City. Vect also disposed of one of his rivals, Archon Qu, by getting Qu's daughter to betray him; she was one of Vect's sexual conquests. Archon Qu was then flayed and his essence trapped in the flayed skin. Vect probably brings Qu's daughter down there so she can suck Vect off in front of her father and he can't do anything but watch. What a prick!

He is unnerved by Phoenix Lords though, or perhaps a better term would be envious. When Jain Zar met him to organize the release of a disgraced Archon, it became painfully clear to the first of the Howling Banshees that Asdrubael in his own way envied what he saw as the immortality of the Phoenix Lords.

List of Asdrubael's greatest achievements

• Captured a strike cruiser of the Salamanders in order to bait the Imperium into attacking Commorragh, and made sure to set things up so the fight'd drag out and lure his direct obstacles; the houses of the aristocracy, into fighting amongst themselves to claim this prize. The Imperial Navy and Salamanders strike force, including two more cruisers and a Battle Barge, that barged in afterwards, took the captured ship back and killed the nobles before retreating from the Dark Eldar's retaliation, ensuring Vect ruled unopposed, whilst also demonstrating how incredibly powerful Space Marines are. "Just As Planned!".
• Being a dick PAST Eldrad and Creed's level WITHOUT Eldrad's psychic powers. This further demonstrates how awesome Creed is.
• Crashed a Space Hulk full of daemons into a fortress of the only Archon who came to really threaten him, turning his entire realm into a daemon-infested hellhole.
• Tricked a Dark Eldar Lord of a webway realm who refused his rule into opening a present from him with a BLACK HOLE in it. Surprise!
• To elaborate on the daughter example above; Vect defeated Archon Qu, Lord of the Iron Thorn, by persuading Qu's daughter to betray him. Vect's Kabal didn't have the military might to guarantee victory, so he got Qu's daughter to betray her father and deliver the realm into Vect's hands. What Qu didn't know was that his daughter had become one of Vect's courtesans long before.
• Somehow maintaining control of hordes of crazy Dark panzees without being killed or tortured (or both at the same time) FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND COUNTING.
• Stripped a small Craftworld of all wraithbone and soulstones, and used them to create a dark Wraithguard army, meant to be used as his own personal punisher army, and pushed all the blame (and eventual Harlequin revenge) on one of his expendable allies.
• He also contributed part of his Kabal to the Eldar's joint effort from Iyanden and Biel-Tan to stop Hive Fleet Leviathan from annexing a part of Hive Fleet Kraken in the Valedor supplement (GASP: A warhammer 40K campaign that, for once, doesn't involve Space Marines!). This happened because the Tyranids had somehow managed to enter the Webway and to taunt the Eldar of Iyanden about their necromancy.
• Just the fact that he's managed to stay alive for so long, being older than Slaanesh itself (at least in the material universe's concept of time, Slaanesh and the other gods are implied to always have existed in the Warp in some form) is a pretty huge feat. Although that there are several "old archons" that find the story of the fall familiar, so he's possibly not the only one pre-Fall survivor (the Fracture of Biel-Tan Gathering Storm book confirms Urien Rakarth is another pre-Fall survivor).

Dawn of War Soulstorm

Believe or not, Vect is one of those important figures in 40k that made an appearance in video game like Abbadon. However, no one seems to care because he was overshadowed by other hilariously bad things about this game, even his own idiot apprentice Tahril made more appearance than he did. the only screentime the big V gets is from taking his Dais out for a spin as the Dark Eldar Relic unit of glass cannon doom.

He is also encountered in the Dark Eldar Stronghold, where he ran away on his pimp ride full of hoes like a little bitch, swore to rape Tahril for his failure but got his ride shot down by your troops (Vect most likely didn't die, however. According to Tahril after seeing Vect crash, "If he had died, I should have taken his place."). Overall, the presentation for Vect in this game is rather disappointing, for the fact he never really made any awesome quote or any smart dickery like Sindri other than just chilling on his pimpmobile like a couch potato.

Granted this is all form before 5th edition's revamp, before that Vect had no traits or backstory other than the leader of the Dark Eldar.

Dark Times Ahead?

Due to Games Workshop not giving Vect a new model (and ignoring his old one); as of the 7th edition Dark Eldar codex Asdrubael Vect is no longer a playable character! Think of the implications; that'd be like cutting Marneus Calgar from the Ultramarines (not that Games Workshop would ever do that), removing the Phoenix Lords from Craftworld Eldar or taking Ghazghkull out of Ork armybooks. For now, he exists only in the fluff (which is thankfully unchanged). On a completely unrelated note, suck our balls GW.

During the Gathering Storm campaign in which a Herald of Ynnead is born, Vect isn't happy about this in the slightest, mostly because this triggers Khaine's gate to shatter and daemons to invade Commoragh. In the initial battle, Vect runs away like a bitch, pretty much in plain view of every important person in the city. Later on, he sends Urien Rakarth and the Haemonculi to hunt down Yvraine, but they flee in terror after it is discovered that the Yncarne can perma-kill them. Vect then sends his Kabal after her, but Yvraine has Harlequins help her keep one step ahead of Vect. He insinuates to his court and servants that the Dysjunction was just as planned, but everyone knows that's BS (though Vect is still feared enough that no one calls him out on his obvious lie). By the end of the story Vect has failed to contain the threat, many of the Dark Eldar (including Lelith Hesperax) leave to go join the Ynnari, his entire court is pissed at him, and several Archons are talking about leading an overthrow, with the loudest being Lady Malys. Insult to injury, it is the Mandrakes, under Kheradruakh, that finally manage to drive off the invading daemons(insert the spectacular battle), completely upstaging Vect. Needless to say, he is extremely upset about all his plans going up in flames because of a meddling god.

Dark Eldar Lords and Ladies
Asdrubael Vect - Archon Tahril - Baron Sathonyx Drazhar - Duke Sliscus - Kheradruakh Lady Malys - Lelith Hesperax - Urien Rakarth