The 666 Rituals of Detestation

The 666 Rituals of Detestation that Grey Knight initiates must pass.

---

(this is not a rite but for an initiate to even be allowed the grey knight application form, said knight has to have proof that they have punched Matt Ward in the face)

• Rite 001: Fill in the Grey Knight application. Spell your name correctly.
• Rite 002: Answer the riddle of steel.
• Rite 003: Bring back squats and m
• Rite 004: Volunteer to be converted to a 4chan server for 1 month.
• Rite 005: Eat an entire peck of pickled peppers whilst punching a Carnifex in the face. Naked.
• Rite 006: Read all of the books written by Terry Goodkind and neither rage nor an hero.
• Rite 007: Kill Bond.
• Rite 008: Find a huge creature who should have huge guts. Rip and tear its guts.
• Rite 009: ???? HARD MODE: Figure out what ???? is. Do not tell anyone, even other GK Initiates
• Rite 010: Profit!!!
• Rite 011: Prove that Michael Jackson never molested a kid.
• Rite 012: Beat all 12 levels of Battletoads in a single run. Aspirant must resist the temptations to curse or swear, as these would interrupt veneration to our glorious Emperor. Absolutely no self-deprecation shall be permitted, for the Emperor guides thee in all things.
• Rite 013: Find [a water chip/the sacred G.E.C.K.] for your Vault.
• Rite 014: Correctly thin your paints.
• Rite 015: Confront Chaos and return.
• Rite 016: Become more manlier than the entire Manly Marine chapter.
• Rite 017: Get GW to lower their prices.
• Rite 018: Re-read Descent of Angels.
• Rite 019: Watch Gigli.
• Rite 020: Touch MC Hammer.
• Rite 021: When life gives you lemons make apple pie.
• Rite 022: Pick yourself up by your own bootlaces.
• Rite 023: Beat the Arena and kill the Adoring Fan.
• Rite 024: Use Candlejack's name withou
• Rite 025: Suck the Emprah's dick.
• Rite 026: Find the lost colony world called "Pandora" in the pre-Gothic tongue. You will note that it is a blasted husk of moon orbiting a blue gas giant. Exterminatus it again in the ancient "Ritual of Destestation of the Alien", the only rite that predates the Chapter's founding.
• Rite 027: Become a veteran suicide bomber.
• Rite 028: Set yourself on fire, and, while aflame, freeze to death.
• Rite 029: Come back from the dead, Dreadnoughts don't count. HARDMODE: Do it without making physics angry.
• Rite 030: Deafen a Noise Marine with the sound of one hand clapping.
• Rite 031: Cause a paradox.
• Rite 032: Solve a different paradox.
• Rite 033: Come off as less of a dick than another Astartes in front of a common citizen.
• Rite 034: Make porn of it. No exceptions.
• Rite 035: Hold a private screening of aforementioned porn for the Emperor.
• Rite 036: Force a Chaos Daemon to praise the Emperor.
• Rite 037: Find out who peed on your rug.
• Rite 038: Find a shrubbery. Then find another shrubbery and place beside the other shrubbery. Only slightly higher.
• Rite 039: Locate the Net Terminal Gene. HARDMODE: Beat the current best time of 3,000 standard Terran years.
• Rite 040: Exit, pursued by a bear.
• Rite 041: Kill the bear.
• Rite 042: Find the ultimate question to life, the universe, and everything
• Rite 043: Cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with.... A HERRING!! *dramatic music!!*
• Rite 044: Hate without being a hater.
• Rite 045: Be a hater without hating.
• Rite 046: Sap a sentry.
• Rite 047: Take a break. You've earned it.
• Rite 048: Bitch slap an inquisitor. He had it coming
• Rite 049: Confirm that a witch weighs the same as a duck.
• Rite 050: Determine the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow. (What do you mean? African or Europ-*BLAM*)
• Rite 051: Both.
• Rite 052: Overpay for a camel purchased from Crazy Hassan
• Rite 053: Partake in a Pretty Marines Pre-Battle Floral Arrangement Ceremony without becoming an Angry Marine in the process.
• Rite 054: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
• Rite 055: Eat your head.
• Rite 056: Get better.
• Rite 057: Find 100 baneblades
• Rite 058: Do dick pushups. On a bed of nails.
• Rite 059: Babysit Lofn. Do not succumb to her daawwwww-ness.
• Rite 060: Correctly assemble and paint a Forgeworld Imperator Titan, blindfolded with your hands and feet tied together.
• Rite 061: Paint said Forgeworld Imperator Titan. With your eyes.
• Rite 062: Fap to an army of Tyranids.
• Rite 063: Change genders.
• Rite 064: Kill a Plague Marine. Remove both of your helmets. Breath deeply. Do not lose consciousness.
• Rite 065: Shit a brick.
• Rite 066: Steal a sun
• Rite 067: Make FATAL playable.
• Rite 068: LEAVE THE BRONX. YOU ARE ORDERED TO LEAVE THE BRONX.
• Rite 069: Sisters of Battle. You know what we mean.
• Rite 070: Shoot down a Valkyrie. Without a gun.
• Rite 071: Wikileak this list.
• Rite 072: Sweatin' to the Oldies.
• Rite 073: Skullfuck a servo skull.
• Rite 074: Buttfuck a servo skull.
• Rite 075: Be fired out of a lazcannon.
• Rite 076: Convince an Inquisitor to exterminatus an entire planet even though there is no taint there (this is quite easy). Then be on said planet when exterminatus is performed and survive.
• Rite 077: Locate pre-Imperial machine spirit construct designated S.A.N.A.K.A.N. and inform her that she is hawt. HARDMODE: Do not allow yourself to be disintegrated by Dark Age of Technology weaponry.
• Rite 078: Write a 5,000 page(12.0 font, single spaced) report detailing why Dreadknights are tactically unsound and present it to the Grand Master.
• Rite 079: Skateboard to the Quickymart NAKED. Harddickmode: The store must located on the grounds of a women's only Schola Progenium.
• Rite 080: Convince GW to stop letting Matt Ward write fluff.
• Rite 081: Do the previous rites blindfolded.
• Rite 082: Win a dance-off against the Disco Marines.
• Rite 083: Buy, Model, Paint, and Field an entire chapter of Space Marines. HARDMODE: Still get laid.
• Rite 084: Successfully use "Death or Glory."
• Rite 085: Engage in, and win an elegant battle of wits with a Classy Marine.
• Rite 086: Fight for your rite (to paaaartaaaay!).
• Rite 087: Train a Magikarp to level 100 by just fighting other magikarp.
• Rite 088: Play the Mass Effect series, harbor no heretical thoughts toward the filthy xenos depicted.
• Rite 089: Buy the Emperor a dog and new curtains.
• Rite 090: Make Apple Jacks actually taste like apples so people will stop bitching.
• Rite 091: Put sugar in the fuel of a Retribution Class Battleship. HARDMODE: Find a potato big enough to fit in its exhaust pipe.
• Rite 092: Tip over 1,000 sleeping Grox, simultaneously.
• Rite 093: A coke bottle on purpose. Yes, the whole bottle.
• Rite 094: Travel to Terra, wait till midnight, sneak into (in a cardboard-box) the Imperial Palace, to the Emprah's throneroom, steal a snack out of the Ultimate Refrigerator, which is disguised as the Golden Throne.
• Rite 095: Infiltrate The Rock and release one of the captured Fallen. Escape without being seen.
• Rite 096: Recapture the Fallen you released and receive an commendation from the Dark Angels.
• Rite 097: Read the 5th edition Grey Knights Codex. Resist the urge to nuke GW's home office from orbit.
• Rite 098: Visit Wall Drug. Don't be disappointed.
• Rite 099: Find an 99Flake ice cream that actually costs 99p. During battle.
• Rite 100: Lead a squad to victory whilst performing an a capella version of "Boom Boom Dollar".
• Rite 101: Cooperate with a fellow Grey Knight in any other rite he performs.
• Rite 102: Cause a fellow Grey Knight you were helping to fail his rite.
• Rite 103: Simply walk into Mordor. Backwards.
• Rite 104: Use the Ring of Power without being corrupted.
• Rite 105: Track down the Blue Scribes of Tzeentch and write the recipe of your favorite cookies on their parchment.
• Rite 106: Beat I Wanna Be The Guy using one life. HARDMODE: on your first try in under 5 minutes
• Rite 107: Convince Khorne to mellow out and smoke a joint.
• Rite 108: Convince Nurgle to take a shower. HARDMODE: With soap.
• Rite 109: Convince Tzeentch to relax and just see how things play out.
• Rite 110: Convince Slaanesh to go to rehab for sex addiction. HARDMODE: Get him to go to rehab for the other stuff too. The dude needs help.
• Rite 111: Eat an entire Carnifex. The Grey Knight is allowed to have the Carnifex restrained beforehand, but if he wants it dead, he must kill it himself. HARDMODE: Eat it alive.
• Rite 112: Shake hands with Faptau.
• Rite 113: Find a brundlepenis.
• Rite 114: Prove that it indeed is Lupus, and make House laugh in the process.
• Rite 115: Cure the Lupus, and make House sad in the process.
• Rite 116: Reinfect the patient with Lupus, and make House laugh again in the process.
• Rite 117: Beat Halo 2 on Legendary without dying
• Rite 118: Put your pauldrons on backwards.
• Rite 119: Break the cohesiveness and morale of a Blood Angels squad using only your penis. Bonus points for making them give into the black rage.
• Rite 120: Play a bitching guitar solo in space. Make sure everyone can hear you rock out.
• Rite 121: Determine the true legality of abortion. Tell no one.
• Rite 122: Snort Doomrider under the table.
• Rite 123: Convince a Sister of Battle to not be a pedo.
• Rite 124: Kill the garbage pail kids and carve your name into their heads with their teeth.
• Rite 125: Beat every video game that the Angry Video Game Nerd couldn't beat, especially ones he said are impossible, no matter how convincing his argument is.
• Rite 126: Manage to complete Battletoads in 2-player mode by yourself.
• Rite 127: Teach a Necron the value of human life, but be sure to not teach it the value of Xenos life.
• Rite 128: Read Warrior without succumbing to Rage for it's no nonsensical stupidity.
• Rite 129: Convince Inoue Orihime and Rangiku Matsumoto to have sex and then video tape them doing it.
• Rite 130: Kill Owe Bull.
• Rite 131: Torture and kill Stephenie Myers in a fashion even Slannesh wouldn't approve of. HARD MODE: Method can't include forcing her to read Warrior.
• Rite 132: Steal Doomrider's bike.
• Rite 133: Rhyme with orange(must be a real word).
• Rite 134: Do a barrel roll!
• Rite 135: Stop moralfaggotry.
• Rite 136: Rhyme with purple.
• Rite 137: Kill it with fire. "It" is preferably a furry.
• Rite 138: C-c-catch the wave. Drink Coke.
• Rite 139: Read the Maradonia Saga and Eiken, then launch them at daemons and watch as their heads a splode from the sheer raw fuckness. That's not really needed even on HARDMODE, but it's funny so who the hell cares.
• Rite 140: Stop Happy Noodle Boy before people surrender to his demands, or before he becomes a giant Wilford Brimley and begins buttering your loved ones.
• Rite 141: Trick Tzeentch cultists into making you a professional-quality 5 course breakfast.
• Rite 142: Travel to Holy Terra to sacrifice a psyker to the Emperor
• Rite 143: Remember this lesson I teach you! Use it on nachos! HANGNAIL!
• Rite 144: Convince Lex Luthor that you are not WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! regarding Superman.
• Rite 145: Come with me, you belong with me! We eat the pig and together we burn!
• Rite 146: Recover an unopened bottle of Crystal Pepsi from the sedimentary strata of an underhive on Holy Terra.
• Rite 147: Drink it. If you vomit you must acquire another bottle and try again.
• Rite 148: Recover our sanctified archeotech plasma pistol Flame of the Emperor, from those Bloody Magpies.
• Rite 149: Steal the Flame of the Emperor from the chapter vault and give it to the Magpies, tell no one.
• Rite 150: Form a Dreadnought barber shop quartet.
• Rite 151: Beat a Space Wolf at a drinking contest.
• Rite 152: Eat at Bloaties Pizza Hog. Prevent you small intestine from shedding its inner lining through force of will.
• Rite 153: Dominate a Tyranid Dominatrix, sexually. HARDMODE: No whiskey may be imbibed by either party.
• Rite 154: Convince Fateweaver to headbutt himself.
• Rite 155: Train an Ewok to use chainsword.
• Rite 156: Train said Ewok to use its chainsword to kill Bella Swan.
• Rite 157: Watch Godzilla jump into the air and bodyslam Megagurius and keep a straight face.
• Rite 158: Steal all the skull from the skull throne, and leave a sign saying "I killed your precious, hahaha!" without Khorn being confused by it.
• Rite 159: Fix everything wrong with Soul Storm.
• Rite 160: Find a monster many times your size and grab its tail, then spin round and round and thrown it into a giant bomb.
• Rite 161: Become a 3rd party presidential candidate and get elected president of the United States of America.
• Rite 162: Inform EA that units making lots of horrible puns does not equal comedy.
• Rite 163: Beat Kharn the Betrayer with his own ax.
• Rite 164: Kill Kenny McCormick, YOU BASTARD.
• Rite 165: Win a battle against an Ork Stompa. With your bare hands.
• Rite 166: Beat an Ork mekboy with his own tools
• Rite 167: Pet the dog.
• Rite 168: Insult the Hulk to his face, and live.
• Rite 169: Learn to shoot and kill enemies without actually look at them or aiming your gun. No asking Alucard for help with this rite.
• Rite 170: Learn the Falcon Punch.
• Rite 171: Beat Penance with a no sphere grid party, and not summoning Yoshimbo.
• Rite 172: Steal glory from any Imperial force before the Partridges do. Bonus points if it's a First Founding Legion...even more if it's the Space Wolves
• Rite 173: Steal glory from a Partridge. HARDMODE: Steal glory from their Chapter Master
• Rite 174: Kill Azathoth in game of Arkham Horror.
• Rite 175: Build a suit of working terminator armor in a cave with a box of scraps.
• Rite 176: Replace the phrase "you and what army" with "you and what Hulk."
• Rite 177: Defeat Norio Wakamoto in ham to ham combat.
• Rite 178: Listen to a Flesh Helm speak without going mad or committing suicide
• Rite 179: Learn the origin of Dr. Insano, tell nobody.
• Rite 180: Beat every serving Chapter Master at darts.
• Rite 181: Acquire CharlesAtlasSuperpower.
• Rite 182: Walk up a flight of stairs in full armor without breaking them.
• Rite 183: Score a perfect 10.0 at a diving event. With Power Armour. You are not allowed to blackmail or intimidate the judges into submission.
• Rite 184: Move Zig
• Rite 185: For Great Justice! (Not to be confused with the heretical "Greater Good" of the faptau)
• Rite 186: Ninja Gaiden. In a single life. No breaks. No passwords. No pauses. Right now faggot.
• Rite 187: Steal an ancient video titled disc "Bible Black" from the Emperor's private porn stash. Don't get caught by the Custodes. Watch it with the English language track. Don't even crack a smile.
• Rite 188: Use you knowledge of the psyker arts to develop method by which to power the Astronomicon that doesn't involving killing 1,000 psykers a day. Tell no one.
• Rite 189: Find Kharn the Betrayer. Offer him a Commissar's cap. Immolate it with psychokinesis as he reaches for it. ZoomJapfacejpg. Run. HARDMODE: No jumppacks.
• Rite 190: Find the Night Lords 10th company. Claim you have found the original recording of the assassination of Konrad Curze. Give them a hololithic recording of the DAoT youtube clip of your choice. Run. HARDMODE: You can't use a teleport homer to escape.
• Rite 191: Convince a member of the Emperor's children to give of fapping for one day.
• Rite 192: Steal all the chain weapons belonging to the Flesh Tearers and a Khornate warband numbering no less than 300 warriors. Convince each party that the other took their weapons. Make sure to steal a popcorn popper from a movie theater while you are at it.
• Rite 193: Learn the origin of the Joker. Tell no one but the Joker.
• Rite 194: Spend a day with Deadpool without gaining the desire to shut him up.
• Rite 195: Solve a rubix cube. HARDMODE:With Angron.
• Rite 196: Get Valvatorez and the scenery chewing vampire from Twilight to engage in ham to ham combat. Keep a straight face during this
• Rite 197: Learn to deflect bullets with a sword.
• Rite 198: Knock some sense into Frank Miller.
• Rite 199: Determine the status of Disgaea demons as being closer to humans or aliens.
• Rite 200: Punch Crazy Steve.
• Rite 201: Get Phil Kelly a raise.
• Rite 202: Kill Matt Ward and make him get revived as a Prinny, and make sure he revives as Prinny every time he dies.
• Rite 203: Find the planet where the cabbits come from and take one home as a pet. Hard Mode, teach Cabbit to turn into an Super Star Destroyer (Executor minimum requirement, Eclipse is extra credit) rather than the space-ship they normally turn into.
• Rite 204: Clear up confusion with somebody that went "WTF" at the previous Rite.
• Rite 205: Punch the Irate Gamer. Hard Mode, get him arrested for plagiarism and being a jerk.
• Rite 206: Kick the idiot that directed Final Fantasy 10's English voice cast.
• Rite 207: Falcon Punch the jerk that cancelled Spectacular Spiderman.
• Rite 208: Kill a shark to prevent a franchise from jumping it.
• Rite 209: Learn the Doctor's real name.
• Rite 210: Make a good version of Ultima VIII.
• Rite 211: Make a good version of Ultima IX.
• Rite 212: Beat Gig in a hotpod eating contest. Hard Mode, avoid getting your ass kicked when he realizes you ate hotpods he could have eaten.
• Rite 213: Teach an incubator to fear, than beat the shit out of it. Hard Mode, beat the shit out of Kyubuy.
• Rite 214: Kiss Bayonetta.
• Rite 215: Read New Guardians #2 without going "WTF."
• Rite 216: Convince a terrorist of his stupidity.
• Rite 217: Find an Infinity+1Sword, tell no one where you found it.
• Rite 218: Determine the weight of Garland's sword.
• Rite 219: Steal Garland's sword. The fact that it probably weighs more than suit of terminator armor is no excuse.
• Rite 220: Get Link and Zelda to kiss. Hard Mode, make it occur on screen, but don't get spotted and leave no trace of your involvement.
• Rite 221: Kiss Morrigan Aensland. Hard Mode, make it against her will, which would likely mean making her angry first.
• Rite 222: Romance a Jedi Master.
• Rite 223: Get 1001 American's to realize that the AMA is run by evil men.
• Rite 224: Punch an Avatar while wearing no armor.
• Rite 225: Save a fallen Adeptus Astartes to be put in a Dreadnaught. Don't be seen while doing this. HARD MODE: You're not allowed to be the one who cripples the Adeptus Astartes.
• Rite 226: Defeat a Necron playing as the Necrons in Dawn of War. Using IG.
• Rite 227: Convince an Ultramarine to not use the Codex Astartes in a combat situation. Doing this with Captain Titus is cheating. HARDMODE: Convince the Chapter Master to not use the Codex.
• Rite 228: Beat Sonic The Hedgehog in a foot race.
• Rite 229: Shoot bullets out of the air with bullets. Hard Mode, do this with 18th century musket.
• Rite 230: Read through the CAD Archives.
• Rite 231: DO COCAINE!!!
• Rite 232: Beat Ghosts and Goblins. Suffer no more than three aneurysms.
• Rite 233: Stop saying desu.
• Rite 234: STFU
• Rite 235: GTFO
• Rite 236: Be the ball.
• Rite 237: Make Orange Soda using only oranges.
• Rite 238: Kill the pig! Drink his blood!
• Rite 239: Touch your tongue to your forehead. HARDMODE: No cutting off and reattaching your tongue.
• Rite 240: Decide which seat to take. (Only applies on fridays)
• Rite 241: Lay siege the Imperial Fists and successfully force them out. HARDMODE: Do it to their own Fortress-Monastery.
• Rite 242: Power bomb an Ork Warboss.
• Rite 243: Strangle the Swarmlord.
• Rite 244: Read a Loli D comic and have no heretical thoughts about it.
• Rite 245: Read a Yuri manga and have no heretical thoughts about it.
• Rite 246: Visit the DeathWorld Felayra. Return with a harem of the the planet's giant maneating Monstergirls.
• Rite 247: Survive psychically arm-wrestling with a greater daemon of Tzeentch.
• Rite 248: Count the licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop. In the middle of a battle.
• Rite 249: Conquer an entire daemon world. And do it FABULOUSLY.
• Rite 250: Replace the entire cocaine stock of an Emperor's Children warband with baby powder. HARDMODE: Replace their stock of babies with baby powder as well.
• Rite 251: Out-sex Cain.
• Rite 252: Read "A Crushed Empire"(fanfic). Do not give in to NERDRAGE!
• Rite 253: Defeat Cain under the Old World of Darkness rules.
• Rite 254: Romance a super saiyan. Yes, make sure it's a woman.
• Rite 255: FIRE YOUR LAZER!
• Rite 256: Fellate a plaguebearer.
• Rite 257: Make the Emperor blink.
• Rite 258: Find something that will piss off a Black Templar (easy). Present Black Templar with said annoyance (easy). Keep the fucktard from rushing it with a powersword (rage).
• Rite 259: Make a 40K version of Blood Bowl.
• Rite 260: Convince the Hulk you are stronger than he is, and live.
• Rite 273: Show me your war face! HARD MODE: Show me your REAL WAR FACE!!! INSANE MODE: Suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
• Rite 274: Find out what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so popular.
• Rite 288: Win a breakdance competition against a Harlequin.
• Rite 298: Disimpact the Emperor's bowels.
• Rite 307: Visibly flex your muscles while inside your armor.
• Rite 310: Rickroll a fellow commissar.
• Rite 315: Grow a Power Beard.
• Rite 316: You must beat Macgyver in a race through all these Trials.
• Rite 323: Successfully troll Tzeentch.
• Rite 324: Beat a Tzeentchian Greater Daemon in a game of chess. Then destroy it with a logical paradox.
• Rite 325: Purge one furry site from the Emperor's internets.
• Rite 333: Win a 1v1 Starcraft match against a Zerg rusher.
• Rite 340: Beat all 4 Iron Chef contestants in the kitchen stadium. At the same time.
• Rite 347: Read the entire Twilight series without becoming an hero.
• Rite 350: Relax.
• Rite 351: Don't do it
• Rite 355: Introduce one cup to two Shlicktaus.
• Rite 366: Reticulate Splines
• Rite 367: Assemble a bolter. Without your hands.
• Rite 368: Wax On
• Rite 369: Wax Off
• Rite 372: Drink a gallon of milk.
• Rite 373: Eat a spoonful of cinnamon.
• Rite 374: Do the Dew.
• Rite 375: Fight Chuck Norris and live.
• Rite 376: Meet a rabid SPEES MAHREEN fanboy and answer all of his questions without killing him.
• Rite 377: Complete the Adventures of Bayou Billy using the zapper.
• Rite 378: Fight against Jackie Chan in a chair, ladder and rope factory, while having Jackie Chan to hold a baby and he wants 'No trabble'. And win. With you dressed only in an underwear. And both hands tied behind your back. HARDMODE: said underwear must be lingerie. And Jackie Chan is accompanied by Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris.
• Rite 379: Successfully manage to defeat Hulk and Hulk's weight, squared, in bees. Simultaneously. HARDMODE: You must fight Hulk and his weight in bees an hour after they fight each other. Since Hulk grows bigger the more he's enraged, and the bees always regenerate to weigh the same as Hulk's weight squared, this is an easy enough HARDMODE for you.
• Rite 396: Get away with it, despite those meddling kids.
• Rite 397: Sex up a Daemonette without contracting any Chaos taint. Then you must have her hand in marriage after the proper Rituals of Courtship. This step is to be done BEFORE said sexing up.
• Rite 399: Endure being locked in a cell with 1 of every major xeno species - Ork, Eldar, Tau, etc. You must not allow any xenos to be killed.
• Rite 400: Make love bloom on the battlefield.
• Rite 401: Move and Shoot. With a heavy weapon.
• Rite 403: Forbidden: You don't have permission to access this rite
• Rite 404: ERROR. RITE NOT FOUND
• Rite 409: Date with a Daemonette and resist her brea- er, charms.
• Rite 411: Do a particularly Silly Walk to attract the attention of the Ministry of Silly Walks.
• Rite 412: Steal a trainee Sister of Battle's panties. HARDMODE: Do it without getting incinerated.
• Rite 413: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.
• Rite 415: Organize a Schola-Progenium scavenger hunt.
• Rite 419: Smoke your weight in Slaaneshi psycho herbs. Then smoke your weight in Slaaneshi cultists.
• Rite 420: Legalize marijuana.
• Rite 421: Eat a bell pepper even more dramatically than Chairman Kaga does.
• Rite 422: Steal and destroy Chris-chan's Sonichu medallion.
• Rite 423: Find out which Brother Captain Ravenor is the sentient testicle of.
• Rite 424: Go to a furry board. Resist the urge to troll. (Only impossible Rite in this article)
• Rite 425: Replace a Noise Marine's Sonic Blaster with a replica that only plays polka.
• Rite 426: Defend Burgertown
• Rite 427: Out-dick Eldrad.
• Rite 428: Kill a Chaos Terminator using only a Flashlight.
• Rite 435: Complete this fucking crossword puzzle I got in the paper today.
• Rite 444: Eat 100 White Cathedral burgers with everything without getting up to take a shit.
• Rite 445: Suit up completely, including placing the helmet firmly onto your head and turn off your armor's ventilation except for air recycling systems. Do not remove your helmet under any circumstances until told to do so.
• Rite 446: Watch Zoolander, and drink a shot of tequila whenever something stupid happens. Survive the ensuing alcohol poisoning.
• Rite 453: Steal a Jeanstealer's pants
• Rite 487: Be balanced in Dawn of War - Soulstorm, even if a Chaplain is attached to your squad.
• Rite 500: Internal Rite error.
• Rite 501: Read and understand the entire Blame! comic in one sitting. Without coffee, you pansy.
• Rite 505: Convince a Tau Firewarrior to become a capitalist after he gets out of the military.
• Rite 506: Capture all four Chaos Gods. HARDMODE: With a sharp stick.
• Rite 507: Go to Holy Terra and sacrifice the four Gods to revive the Emperor.
• Rite 508: Kill the Emperor.
• Rite 509: Think about what you've just done.
• Rite 510: Find Abaddon.
• Rite 511: Teach him how to win wars. HARDMODE: Make sure he still doesn't fail.
• Rite 512: Give him AIDS.
• Rite 513: Punch him into the head with a Daemonhammer.
• Rite 514: Banish him into the warp.
• Rite 515: Eat half a fudgesicle in one bite and survive.
• Rite 516: Kick High Ecclesiarch Brennan up the arse.
• Rite 517: Close the pool.
• Rite 518: Reopen the pool and bless the water.
• Rite 520: Invite Chaos daemons for a friendly swim.
• Rite 521: Join the Classy Marines and act ungentlemanly.
• Rite 522: Prove your mental acuity by stopping an Orkish WAAAAGH using conversation and no less than six graphs.
• Rite 523: Prove your mental acuity by re-inciting said WAAAGH against Chaos.
• Rite 524: Beat Chakan the Forever Man in one sitting.
• Rite 525: Rebis Dungeon. Find him and kill him. If another aspirant has already done the good deed, defile the corpse.
• Rite 526: Teach an Ork proper English.
• Rite 527: Kill him 'cause he is a filthy xenos.
• Rite 528: Decipher Lil' Orphan Anne's secret message with your decoder pin.
• Rite 529: Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.
• Rite 530: sonnvabitch
• Rite 533: Find and reattach Abaddon's lost arms.
• Rite 534: Steal Abaddon's arms.
• Rite 535: Prove you have a will to live by escaping the planet before Exterminatus. HARD MODE: You only have 10 seconds.
• Rite 536: Eat your Khorne Flakes every morning. Do not succumb to the whispers of Chaos.
• Rite 546: Fuck a hive queen.
• Rite 566: Try to enrage Bob Ross to the point of violence and profanity.
• Rite 568: Climb a wall of dicks. Without ropes or hooks.
• Rite 569: Catch the double nigger before he jumps over the candle-sniffing fuckfence.
• Rite 570: Out-swear an Angry Marine.
• Rite 571: Survive 30 Angry-Marine Bombs. In the middle of an Exterminatus HARD MODE: With no Power Armor on, while arm wrestling Doombreed. And win.
• Rite 572: Take a Power Chair to the face.
• Rite 589: Infect Madagascar. HARDMODE: Do it after they CLOSE. FUCKING. EVERYTHING.
• Rite 591: Cause at least every second Grey Knight member with whom you have become acquainted to lose the game.
• Rite 592: Make love not war. Then make some war.
• Rite 593: Go to Disney World.
• Rite 594: Destroy Disney World.
• Rite 595: Rescue Matt Ward's soul from the chaotic Warp vortex that the last aspirant cast him into. Find a different Warp vortex and throw him into it.
• Rite 601: Cure the cancer that is killing /b/. HAHA! YOU ARE TEH CANCER THAT IS KILLING /b/!!!
• Rite 602: Road trip!
• Rite 603: DO IT FAGGOT!
• Rite 605: Watch every season of Whose Line is it Anyway? without laughing once.
• Rite 606: Here's a storm shield. BLOCK THAT EXTERMINATUS!
• Rite 610: Mindfuck a psyker. Manually.
• Rite 611: Bring sexy back.
• Rite 612: Be aware of the current location and activities of C. S. Goto, and take no action.
• Rite 613: Reread all the works of C. S. Goto and resist the urge to equip yourself with a multilaser.
• Rite 616: Convince a Sister of Battle to play a game of battleshits with you.
• Rite 617: An American band is coming to your town. Help it party down.
• Rite 618: Watch any movie with Christopher Walken in it and not even THINK that any scene involving him is awesome.
• Rite 620: Add more cowbell.
• Rite 621: Hear the name "Chaos Lord Metallica von Freebird" without even cracking a grin. I DID IT!
• Rite 622: Yes.
• Rite 623: No.
• Rite 624: Watch every episode of Seinfeld and enjoy it. Without drugs.
• Rite 625: Count to infinity.
• Rite 626: Divide what you've counted by zero.
• Rite 627: Present results to Chaos.
• Rite 630: Interrupt Commissar Fuklaw's speech and survive. HARDMODE:Fuklaw must be equipped with a working Volcano cannon and must be in command of an Imperator class titan when he tries to execute you.
• Rite 642: Beat Khârn at checkers (the game must be played through to the end, and event that forces the game to end prior to this is a loss for you).
• Rite 660: Survive HUGS TIEM with the Unyuufex. Then kill that abomination.
• Rite 661: Make a fortress on Dwarf Fortress that survives this many years, EXTRA CREDIT: start with no skills on a goblin tower OR start with 100+ cats and never put a cat in a cage or intentionally kill a cat.
• Rite 662: Survive the Vortex of Total Perspective and remain sane.
• Rite 663: Punch out an Angry Marine.
• Rite 664: Name every rite completed beforehand, the method for doing so, and every minute detail involved.
• Rite 665: Rinse.
• Rite 666: Repeat.

Make a checklist of all of the aforementioned items. If you score 100 or higher, CONGRATULATIONS! We don't give a shit!

(extra points for fixing the fuck load of gaps in the list)

Archived Thread