Touhou

This is a /v/ related article, which we tolerate because it's relevant and/or popular on /tg/... or we just can't be bothered to delete it.

"This game is Curtain Fire Shooting Game.
Girls do their best now and are preparing. Please watch warmly until it is ready.
The border land was wrapped in Scarlet Magic. Girls believe that you solve this mystery."

– Touhou Koumakyou ~ The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil loading screen

Touhou is usually seen in character optimization threads because the major Touhoufags are min-maxers.

The Touhou Project is a series of Japanese "danmaku" ("bullet hell") vertical shooter games made by a skinny Japanese man known as ZUN. ZUN loves beer. The more you know about Touhou, the more obvious it becomes how much ZUN drinks. The series is known for its vast array of lolis (although it's debatable how many are actually supposed to be lolis considering that ZUN is just a genuinely terrible artist; seriously, look up the original character artworks) and the plethora of fanart they have inspired. In fact, there is so much Touhou fanart that it is commonly held that no matter what the situation, there is at least one Touhou picture that is appropriate. This has also resulted in the creation of the Touhou Power Cards for 4e Dungeons & Dragons. There is a certain irony in this, as in early requests for 4e torrents, /tg/ discovered instead Touhou futa doujins.

A fellow referred to as Touhoufag used to be seen in D&D threads, particularly ones involving character optimization. Fa/tg/uys generally didn't mind Touhou (except for certain faggots from Alabama who coined the nonsensical epithet "pork eye"), as long as it was kept from taking over the discussion, but instead used to further it or spice it up, or just as eye candy while the discussion continued. Sadly, he got on the janitor's bad side and was permabanned for trumped-up charges of spamming and ban evasion.

For Touhou-centric posts not related to traditional games, we recommend visiting /jp/, considering the now-infamous Touhou Hijack was used as an out to create the board in the first place.

If you want a quick introduction to Touhou, this video is here for you.

Now with WH40k Touhou Crossover. Because Internet. [1]

Characters

Touhou characters are often referred to as Touhoes, Toehoes (a pun on how the Japanese word is properly pronounced), 2hous or 2hus. There are an Imperial fuckton of Touhoes - according to the Touhou wiki, over a hundred of them. A quick rundown of a few of the more prominent Touhoes follows (feel free to add your favourite 2hu for extralulz, we know you want it):

• Reimu Hakurei is an undead zombie a red-white miko a wonderful shrine maiden of paradise. She is one of the two main characters of the series. Her good points are her armpits. Her abilities include flight, utter invincibility invoked when she feels like it (Fantasy Heaven), killing everyone with her balls, and overpoweredness, that's because she can fly away from reality, hence making her utterly invulnerable, even against concept manipulators such as Yukari, in other words, if she decided to fight seriously, Reimu could go hand to hand with the C'tan, the Emperor and the Chaos Gods all together and win by default (Well, what did you expect? Japs consider a point of national pride making characters as OP as possible), exemplifying the concept of CoDzilla in D&D 3.5. or a 1++ Invulnerable Save/Eternal Warrior/It Will Not Die/Feels No Pain/Reanimation Protocols, all rolled in one, this video shows her in a totally canonical way, we wish we were making this up. She is a favored soul.

• Marisa Kirisame is a black-white witch an ordinary magician who has the biggest lesbian harem known to mankind. She is the other main character of the series. She stole Alice's precious thing, along with anything else not nailed down. Her specialty in combat is spamming tons of multilazors.

• Mima is a sadly forgotten resident Lich, and the one who taught Marisa nearly everything she knows. Gives no fucks and with even bigger ego than her student, she is basically Naga to Marisa's Lina. Also one of the very few who is genuinely friends with Yuuka Kazami.

• Sakuya Izayoi is a maid with a known fondness of Time Stop, Haste spells, and just around five billion knives, or possibly just 40 really well reoriented ones. Her race, origin, or how she got that many 9th level slots are all unknown. May or may not be a female Dio Brando in an alternate universe. Sakuya gains Time Stop as an At-Will ability in 4.0. Honorary member of the Ordo Chronos, or what is left of it.

• Alice Margatroid, when not hopelessly lusting over Marisa, spends all her time stuck in her house crafting and playing with dolls, much like certain fa/tg/uys.

• Shinki is the Power who rules over her own hand-made plane of Makai (Demon Realm, not to be confused with the myriad of Japanese Hells) as its Mother-Goddess. She is also the closest being to the Capital-G God the setting has, and during the fight with the "heroes" got so worked up that she accidenly set the whole of Makai on fire. And last, but not least, she is Alice's doting stepmom.

• Patchouli Knowledge is a pajama-wearing, century-old, Vancian wizzart who spends all her time in a library reading books. Constitution was her dump stat, and hence she is asthmatic, anemic, and generally sickly like Raistlin Majere. Changes her prepared spells list depending on the day of the week.

• Yukari Yakumo has unfair, extremely vague, and godlike boundary powers. She is the DM of Gensokyo. Rumor has it there is no hole she would not enter. Also known to be a train enthusiast and a a true slav (via bgm and invading the moon to get some booze).

• Matara Okina is a hidden god of Gensokyo specializing in minmaxing energy and bards (or the boss of bard gods anyway). She is the "opposite" to the tengu and is a goddess capable of "promoting and demoting" creatures and even objects. Her main power is the Manipulation of back door,and we mean every back door.

• Ran Yakumo is Yukari's 10% furry familiar. (70% if you go by volume, but it's mostly tail-fluff.) When not being molested by Yukari, as is customary for humanoid familiars, she is a hard-working streaker and pedophile.

• Chen is Ran's catgirl familiar. Sometimes Ran touches her in bad places, but Chen is cute, so it's okay.

• Youmu Konpaku is too soft, but the things that her masterwork bastard sword cannot cut are next to none. Also happens to be half-ghost. No, we have no idea how that happens, but her ghost side is also very soft, so basically how a Damned Legionnaire would have looked in a moe anime universe. Is canonically afraid of ghost stories despite serving one and living in the afterlife.

• Yuyuko Saigyouji is the princess of the underworld, and is able to kill anybody, save literal immortals, by thinking at them. Always hungry.

• Reisen Udongein Inaba is a moon rabbit who deserted her frontline military position and went AWOL as Primarch Neil Armstrong and his SPEHSS MAHREENS were purging xenos filth in the Lunar Capital in the name of the God-President of America. If you look into her red eyes and fail your Will save, you will go batshit insane. May or may not be completely useless except for her sex appeal. Gun-porn of her can be found all over the /a/ parts of /k/, and none of the /k/omrades know who she is or why. According to Antinomy of Common Flowers, she can actually kick major (and even immortal) ass when unhinged.

• Cirno is an intellectually-challenged fairy with an ego problem the STRONGEST and SMARTEST of all the Touhoes, and can control ice. Commoner level weak a commoner can't launch a machine-gun's worth of icicles at your position and fly! Nobody knows how to pronounce her name. It's pronounced "Cheer-no". Powerful enough to be a playable character in Hidden Star in Four Seasons, and all she had to do was get a tan.

• Tewi Inaba is an extremely old earth rabbit of good luck who has achieved quantum immortality through being obscenely lucky. Her alignment is Chaotic Shenanigans.

• Chiquita Dragonforce Tenshi Hinanawi is a dragon celestial gish with a perpetually rotating rock that floats, peaches on her hat that vaguely resemble butts, powers over the earth overlapping with another character's abilities, and a prismatic Holy Avenger with the ability to shoot multilasers.

• Eirin Yagokoro deals in shady drugs of questionable origins and experiments on poor Reisen, and Japanese dance crazes.

• Fujiwara no Mokou A human-turned-immortal with a long grudge against the moon princess Kaguya. Can control fire.

• Utsuho "Okuu" Reiuji a crow who used to stoke the fires of hell, before there was an argument and a subsequent change of management. Despite the fact that she holds dominion over both nuclear fusion and nuclear fission, and has a right arm that is made of nukes and lasers, she somehow is on-par with most of the other Touhoes. No critical thinking skills whatsoever, there is a cool video of her fight with Reimu, in 3D!

• Byakuren Hijiri is the Jesus of Gensokyo. She tried to obtain equal rights for youkai but was crucified sealed away for her transgressions. She has huge boobs. Since later games she has a lightsaber and a motorcycle which she uses to roll over her enemies (read Toyosatomimi no Miko), we wish the sororitas where this cool. Rumored to be acquainted with Shinki. Also an SJW.

• Yuuka Kazami the flower Youkai is one of the oldest and most powerful beings in Gensokyo. Also known as an Ultimate Sadistic Being. She is an original user of the Master Spark spell, the fuck huge kamehameha-like laser beam that annihilates everything in its path. Obviously, Marisa stole that too.

• Komachi Onozuka is a local busty Grim Reaper/Charon equivalent. Lazy as fuck.

• Eiki Shiki Yamaxanadu is the judge of the dead. Short and flat chested. Sees reality in clear, absolute black and white perception (both inside and outside morality), which is why even Yukari doesn't bother going against her (since her hax powers rely on vagueness). Gensokyo's resident rules lawyer.

• Nitori Kappashiro youkai who likes to use her technological skills to get all kind of crazy gadgets, usually by recycling items from the outside world.

• Suika Ibuki is an oni (a demon-ogre, for those who don't know). Her hobbies involve drinking and fighing, usually both at once. Super flat. Touhou has more than 1 guy character and Suika is still regarded as the flatest character [2]. Usually hangs around the Hakurei Shrine, but is said to own a chunk of Heaven she won from fucking up Tenshi Hinanawi's shit. Hasn't been sober in over 300 years. No, seriously, that's actual canon. Surprisingly has enough intuition see through Yukari's plans even while drunk.

• Yuugi Hoshiguma is Gensokyo's resident Muscle Wizard. She can best be described as Kord/Cayden Cailean reimagined as a female Oni with huge boobs. Some MANLY depictions of her also incorporate big muscles. Total bros with Suika Ibuki.

• Parsee Mizuhashi is a grumpy old troll, that lives under a bridge the bridge princess "oni", she jealous at everyone and everything making her the biggest optimist on earth. Jealousy feeds her Choas style and it is said that Parsee-chan doesn't cry. May or may not be Yuugi's waifu(fanon).

• Kasen Ibaraki is a mysterious girl who possesses an arm made of shadow. Said arm can completely disintegrate evil spirits, removing them from the cycle of reincarnation. Currently looking for her original arm while disguised as a Hermit. Most likely an Oni. Most often seen eating.

• Toyosatomimi no Miko used to be the ruler of Japan but attempted to achieve immortality by drinking mercury, this forced her to go through a ritual to cheat death, unfortunately she got stuck in her mausoleum for a couple of centuries, now that she is back she is considering to become the ruler of Gensokyo as she thinks she is the most qualified for the job, thinks Gensokyo must be wiped out of Youkais as humans may be the only ones allowed to live, in spite of this, when one youkai (technically her daughter) lost her mask of hope (long story) she crafted her one on her own image, because she wanted to become Gensokyo's people hope, may be the missing daughter of Roboute Guilliman.

• Mamizou Futatsuiwa a granny-tanuki of the outside world who was invoked into Gensokyo to deal with Miko, likes to play pranks on people and see how they get all confused, she can also invoke daemons and do all kind of crazy stunts, so we are not really sure if she is an acolyte of Cegorach or Tzeentch as of Urban Legend in Limbo she became a Man in Black and has an alien collection, so now we're sure that she's actually an acolyte of Trazyn.

• Sumireko Usami /x/ psyker schoolgirl from the outside world, and one of the few humans who knows about Gensokyo, puts in motion a complicated plot to infiltrate the land of fantasy, everyone at Gensokyo dislikes such maneuver and bully her, nevertheless she manages to beat them back (quite remarkable considering how OP the denizens of Gensokyo are), thinking she will eventually get killed she goes kamikaze using her own life-power to take down Gensokyo's barrier and reveal it to the outside world so she can be avenged, Reimu manages to stop her and returns Sumireko to the outside world, after that Sumireko learns she can use astral projection to visit Gensokyo, everyone is happy as she can tell them the last posts in 4chan and CNN without making too much fuss. Among her gadgets Sumireko has a magic tablet, zener cards, and a 3D-printed gun capable to punch through enemy 2hous like it has AP1.

• Remilia Scarlet vampire loli (loli compared to other 2hus, and that's saying something) who may or may not have the power to manipulate fate. Lives in a giant mansion and is the final boss of the first post-PC-98 Touhou game. Incredibly childish despite being ~500 years old and has another less-relevant loli vampire sister. Would be a von Carstein if she lived in the Warhammer universe.

• Flandre Scarlet Remilia's younger sister who was locked in a basement for 495 years due to temper issues. Has the power to destroy anything she chooses. Has multicolored crystal wings.

• Junko Formerly a happily married mother of one, now a very,very, very,very,very,very,very, very, very very angry Divine Spirit. She has the power to purify anything and went madlad to the point of purifying herself into fury itself . Apparently a nice fellow to get along with and good with children. She's known for unleashing incredibly insane walls of light and good tea. TL:DR: Always Angry, All The Time

• Clownpiece 'murican fairy from hell who invaded (Read:Played Around, Lunarians make Eldar look welcoming) the Moon (no oil or WMDs involved). Honouring the American practice of overwhelming firepower and driving people insane, she eats your continues like they were delicious cookies while unleashing dakka equivalent to a sector battlefleet, lately she decided was ordered to move to Gensokyo, discussions between Cirno and Clownpiece fans attempting to define who is the strongest still rage across the web.

• Hecatia Lapislazuli THE Goddess(es?) of hell, crossroads, dogs, ghosts, planets, sorcery, magic, /x/ and apparently death metal. She is known to rule over at least Hell Fairies, a hell and formerly ten suns. She's also known to be Eiki Shiki's boss. According to Zun she's the most most powerful Touhou character to date, apparently being:"completely past the level of anyone in Gensokyo or the Lunar Capital". Her powers include creating copy but very real realms and having multiple "Real" bodies to avoid danger. She's friends with Junko and is Clownpiece's mom boss. While usually a good sport, she does not take insulting her clothing lightly.

• Chang'e is a frog goddess found imprisoned in the moon and in the shit list of at least two divine spirits/gods, ironically her imprisonment is what kept her alive. Her hobbies include being subject to grudges and watching,she always is, she's watching you right now. CHANG'E IS WATCHING.

• Kishin Sagume is a moon bird, a single winged stork. She can reverse all except established facts with a word, every word. She's (eventually) proven to be the mastermind of Gensokyo's longest incident and almost led the relocation of the Lunar Capital in Gensokyo. May or may not be Tzeentch.

• Doremy Sweet a Baku, (self proclaimed) ruler of the dream world. Eats anon's dreams (and savors every bite). Is also a Doom Sheep Mecha Pilot, Pillow Tycoon and a theme park manager.

• Aya Super fast crow tengu. She is so strong she sometimes accidentally beats people up. Aya is one of the most prolific sources of lore however she is not a credible source of information as she is known to lie always tell the complete and unmolested truth.

ZUN's bizarre fondness for drawing silly hats on his lolis leads to persistent rumours that Touhoes may die if their headwear of choice is removed, though certain bare-headed exceptions such as Kaguya Houraisan, Yuka Kazami, or Byakuren Hijiri cast doubt on this theory. It is also of note that since Zun's official artwork in the games and manuals depicts most of the cast as chubby little girls, doujin artists, some ZUN-approved printed media and the official Tasofro fighting games have generally felt free to decide on their own exactly what physiques the characters have, leading to many conflicting versions of the same character.

See Also

• Touhou Power Cards
• Touhou Danmaku Yuugi Flowers RPG

External Links

• Touhou Wiki, where you can read up on stuff.
• Flash doohickey used to create your own touhou, useful for all touhou parties.
• PETTAN PETTAN TSURUPETTAN
  • Alternately, Youtube!
• Why each and every Touhoe is a terrible person and should feel bad
• Touhou RPG: Tale of Phantasmal Land, a Touhou RPG created by some fa/tg/uy.
• Touhou fandom gets shit done
• Say Bad Apple again! I dare you! I double-dare you!
• Touhou even has its own racing themes
• And apparently a giant robo series
• We wish the Ultramarines film had this much action.
• Touhou fanime.

Gallery

Please, note that if we were to post just the high-end fanart people have made of Touhou we would probably collapse 1d4chan servers:

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  Gensokyo, the setting of Touhou, does not actually look like this Yukkuri head version of Discworld, but it would be awesome if it did.

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  The 40k drawfags do Touhou work on rare occasions.

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  There is a Touhou pic for nearly every situation. Even situations that will never ever be brought up otherwise.

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  Take it easy.

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  Touhou is made of girls and lasers.

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  Bet you'd never see this again, huh?

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  The pseudo-official order in which you (you!) should play and read Touhou-related works, as of 2016.