Valkia the Bloody: Difference between revisions
(corrected quote) |
No edit summary |
||
| Line 3: | Line 3: | ||
She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to die and join the <s>Allfather</s>Blood God in the halls of the afterlife where they can fight for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle it is about Khorne being Odin. | She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to die and join the <s>Allfather</s>Blood God in the halls of the afterlife where they can fight for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle it is about Khorne being Odin. | ||
See, once she was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to [[Heterosexual Sex in the Missionary Position|consenting, heterosexual sex in the | See, once she was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to [[Heterosexual Sex in the Missionary Position|consenting, heterosexual sex in the mNissionary positiOon for the sole purRpose of procreAation]]. She met the leader of another tribe who worshipped Khorne and he introduced Valkia to two future husbands; himself then Khorne. Valkia married him and had two daughters with him, then he was killed off as a cautionary tale about sexism against women. Some time past and she fought Locephax, a daemon prince of [[Slaanesh]] who sought to plunder him some ass (Valkia's and her daughters). Her only response to this was to kill him, cut his head off, and mount it on her shield. LIKE A BOSS. Oh, and the head's still alive. | ||
So Valkia decided to go up north to see Khorne and present the shield and head to him. Despite being a badass, she trips and the finish line and dies in the process because lolchaos. And this made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally). This load was so explosive that it literally brought her back to life and then turn her into a demonic valkyrie who judges who shall live and who shall die. Oh, and be Khorne's personal stress management resource when Slaanesh starts laughing about Khorne's killhatemurder homosex club. | So Valkia decided to go up north to see Khorne and present the shield and head to him. Despite being a badass, she trips and the finish line and dies in the process because lolchaos. And this made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally). This load was so explosive that it literally brought her back to life and then turn her into a demonic valkyrie who judges who shall live and who shall die. Oh, and be Khorne's personal stress management resource when Slaanesh starts laughing about Khorne's killhatemurder homosex club. | ||
Revision as of 07:18, 5 November 2015
Valkia the Bloody is a character from Warhammer who happens to be the single most badass female Viking ever. Badass enough that even Khorne's got a hard-on for her. And anyone with a muscle fetish. Difference is that the latter people will just have to put up with being plowed by an angry demon-woman with wings in hot, sweaty hatesex.
She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to die and join the AllfatherBlood God in the halls of the afterlife where they can fight for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle it is about Khorne being Odin.
See, once she was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to consenting, heterosexual sex in the mNissionary positiOon for the sole purRpose of procreAation. She met the leader of another tribe who worshipped Khorne and he introduced Valkia to two future husbands; himself then Khorne. Valkia married him and had two daughters with him, then he was killed off as a cautionary tale about sexism against women. Some time past and she fought Locephax, a daemon prince of Slaanesh who sought to plunder him some ass (Valkia's and her daughters). Her only response to this was to kill him, cut his head off, and mount it on her shield. LIKE A BOSS. Oh, and the head's still alive.
So Valkia decided to go up north to see Khorne and present the shield and head to him. Despite being a badass, she trips and the finish line and dies in the process because lolchaos. And this made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally). This load was so explosive that it literally brought her back to life and then turn her into a demonic valkyrie who judges who shall live and who shall die. Oh, and be Khorne's personal stress management resource when Slaanesh starts laughing about Khorne's killhatemurder homosex club.
In the End Times she led a Khornate army alongside Skarbrand to attack Naggaroth, smashing through the watchtowers and Ghrond's army, making it to the gates of the capital city Naggarond. She was defeated by Malekith and his dragon in combat but managed to survive. Sadly, she goes out like a chump in End Times: Archaon, accidentally impaling herself on Ludwig Schwarzhelm's standard pole as she runs him through with her spear (there's a sex joke in there somewhere).
