Valkia the Bloody: Difference between revisions
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She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to die and join the Blood God in the halls of the afterlife where they can fight for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle it is about Khorne being Odin. | She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to die and join the Blood God in the halls of the afterlife where they can fight for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle it is about Khorne being Odin. | ||
See, once she was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to [[Heterosexual Sex in the Missionary Position|consenting, heterosexual sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation]]. She met the leader of another tribe who worshipped Khorne and he introduced Valkia to his faith. | See, once she was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to [[Heterosexual Sex in the Missionary Position|consenting, heterosexual sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation]]. She met the leader of another tribe who worshipped Khorne and he introduced Valkia to his faith. She really liked the Khornate faith and respected the man, so after awhile the two married and had two daughters. | ||
Then | Then it turned out he wanted sons, and didn't think much of his daughters. Valkia decided this was a prime subject to troll him about, which got him so mad he tried to kill her. She offed the unfortunate fool and ruled his tribe as a single mother and a warqueen (somehow doing a good job of both at the same time) while her girls became women. One of them got smitten with an up-and-coming young warrior while the other decided to remain single (yes, we know what you're thinking, something something "don't need no man"). | ||
After this, Valkia's tribe was visited by Locephax, a [[Daemon Prince]] of [[Slaanesh]] who sought to plunder him some ass (Valkia's and her daughters). Valkia's Khornate faith enabled her to resist Locephax's powers, and she responded by killing him in a duel, cutting his head off, and mounting it on her shield. LIKE A BOSS. Oh, and the head's still alive and trash-talked her. | After this, Valkia's tribe was visited by Locephax, a [[Daemon Prince]] of [[Slaanesh]] who sought to plunder him some ass (Valkia's and her daughters). Valkia's Khornate faith enabled her to resist Locephax's powers, and she responded by killing him in a duel, cutting his head off, and mounting it on her shield. LIKE A BOSS. Oh, and the head's still alive and trash-talked her. | ||
[[File:Valkia.jpg|300px|thumb|left|Don't fap to her, she'll cut your dick off. <strike>Probably use it as a spear, also. </strike> Lol you wish it was that long]] | [[File:Valkia.jpg|300px|thumb|left|Don't fap to her, she'll cut your dick off. <strike>Probably use it as a spear, also. </strike> Lol you wish it was that long]] | ||
So Valkia decided to go up north with some of her warriors to see Khorne and present the shield with severed head to him, leaving her daughters to rule the tribe in her absence. Despite being a badass, she trips at the finish line and dies after she is crushed by the weight of her muscles because lolchaos. And this made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally) | So Valkia decided to go up north with some of her warriors to see Khorne and present the shield with severed head to him, leaving her daughters to rule the tribe in her absence. Despite being a badass, she trips at the finish line and dies after she is crushed by the weight of her muscles because lolchaos. And this made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally), so explosively that it literally brought her back to life and then turn her into a demonic valkyrie who judges who shall live and who shall die. Oh, and be Khorne's personal stress management resource when Slaanesh starts laughing about Khorne's killhatemurder homosex club. | ||
When she got back to the realm she turned her last living loyal soldier into a Chaos Lord of Khorne and hooked him up with an awesome axe, Chaos armor and a Juggernaut mount. On the way back home, she learned that things had gone to pot in her absence | When she got back to the realm, she turned her last living loyal soldier into a Chaos Lord of Khorne and hooked him up with an awesome axe, Chaos armor and a Juggernaut mount. On the way back home, she learned that things had gone to pot in her absence: her tribe was fractured, those loyal to her were getting killed or annexed into other tribes, one of her daughters had been murdered in her sleep [[Grimdark|while pregnant]] and the surviving daughter had lost faith in her mother and hated her. After killing some Dwarfs, she returns to her tribe to try and fix things by killing alot of people ([[Grimdark|including her surviving daughter who challenged Valkia to a duel because she now considered her mother an Abbadon-tier screw-up]]). Valkia regained control of her tribe and threw away anything other than leading people in Khorne's name. | ||
In the End Times she led a Khornate army alongside Skarbrand to attack Naggaroth, smashing through the watchtowers and Ghrond's army, making it to the gates of the capital city Naggarond. She was defeated by Malekith and his dragon in combat but managed to survive. Sadly, she goes out like a chump in End Times: Archaon, accidentally impaling herself on Ludwig Schwarzhelm's standard pole as she runs him through with her spear (there's a sex joke in there somewhere). | In the End Times she led a Khornate army alongside Skarbrand to attack Naggaroth, smashing through the watchtowers and Ghrond's army, making it to the gates of the capital city Naggarond. She was defeated by Malekith and his dragon in combat but managed to survive. Sadly, she goes out like a chump in End Times: Archaon, accidentally impaling herself on Ludwig Schwarzhelm's standard pole as she runs him through with her spear (there's a sex joke in there somewhere). | ||
Revision as of 20:58, 14 November 2018
"I tell you that neither eating, drinking, nor sleep has as much savor for me as to hear the cry 'Forwards!' from both sides, and horses without riders shying and whinnying, and the cry 'Help! Help!', and to see the small and great fall to the grass at the ditches and the dead pierced by the wood of the lances decked with banners."
- – Bertran de Born
Valkia the Bloody is a character from Warhammer who happens to be the single most badass female Viking ever. Badass enough that even Khorne's got a hard-on for her. And anyone with a muscle fetish. Difference is that the latter people will just have to put up with being plowed by an angry demon-woman with wings in hot, sweaty hatesex.
She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to die and join the Blood God in the halls of the afterlife where they can fight for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle it is about Khorne being Odin.
See, once she was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to consenting, heterosexual sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation. She met the leader of another tribe who worshipped Khorne and he introduced Valkia to his faith. She really liked the Khornate faith and respected the man, so after awhile the two married and had two daughters.
Then it turned out he wanted sons, and didn't think much of his daughters. Valkia decided this was a prime subject to troll him about, which got him so mad he tried to kill her. She offed the unfortunate fool and ruled his tribe as a single mother and a warqueen (somehow doing a good job of both at the same time) while her girls became women. One of them got smitten with an up-and-coming young warrior while the other decided to remain single (yes, we know what you're thinking, something something "don't need no man").
After this, Valkia's tribe was visited by Locephax, a Daemon Prince of Slaanesh who sought to plunder him some ass (Valkia's and her daughters). Valkia's Khornate faith enabled her to resist Locephax's powers, and she responded by killing him in a duel, cutting his head off, and mounting it on her shield. LIKE A BOSS. Oh, and the head's still alive and trash-talked her.
So Valkia decided to go up north with some of her warriors to see Khorne and present the shield with severed head to him, leaving her daughters to rule the tribe in her absence. Despite being a badass, she trips at the finish line and dies after she is crushed by the weight of her muscles because lolchaos. And this made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally), so explosively that it literally brought her back to life and then turn her into a demonic valkyrie who judges who shall live and who shall die. Oh, and be Khorne's personal stress management resource when Slaanesh starts laughing about Khorne's killhatemurder homosex club.
When she got back to the realm, she turned her last living loyal soldier into a Chaos Lord of Khorne and hooked him up with an awesome axe, Chaos armor and a Juggernaut mount. On the way back home, she learned that things had gone to pot in her absence: her tribe was fractured, those loyal to her were getting killed or annexed into other tribes, one of her daughters had been murdered in her sleep while pregnant and the surviving daughter had lost faith in her mother and hated her. After killing some Dwarfs, she returns to her tribe to try and fix things by killing alot of people (including her surviving daughter who challenged Valkia to a duel because she now considered her mother an Abbadon-tier screw-up). Valkia regained control of her tribe and threw away anything other than leading people in Khorne's name.
In the End Times she led a Khornate army alongside Skarbrand to attack Naggaroth, smashing through the watchtowers and Ghrond's army, making it to the gates of the capital city Naggarond. She was defeated by Malekith and his dragon in combat but managed to survive. Sadly, she goes out like a chump in End Times: Archaon, accidentally impaling herself on Ludwig Schwarzhelm's standard pole as she runs him through with her spear (there's a sex joke in there somewhere).
As a Daemon Prince though, this was merely a setback and she came back complete with ruling her own version of Valhalla in Age of Sigmar. I guess this makes her Chaos Freya or something. When not busy with either killing or with her husband, she is known to accept challenges to mortal combat from worthy mortals trying to prove their mettle to the boss.