Warriors of Chaos

Warriors of Chaos

Remember when the Followers of the Dark Gods were badass Viking Warlords encased in badass looking armor and not emo Space Marines? Remember when the Chaos was a thing to be feared, and was not a mob of incompetents led by a certain armless failure? Remember when Warhammer's greatest villain that could be fielded in the tabletop was capable of wrestling a Bloodthirster to the ground? Remember when Warhammer was a fantasy universe?

We do too. These are the Warriors of Chaos; the Granddaddies of Chaos Space Marines.

Guys in big imposing armour from some of the most inhospitable areas of the world. They follow the four Gods of Chaos (Nurgle, Tzeentch, Slaanesh and Khorne). Love their mutations like the French love wine. Like to fight either among themselves or with anyone else who happens to be nearby. Sometimes form a huge army lead by a particularly favored champion of the Gods. This army will then attack the countries of the old world(a bit like black crusades in 40K, with the major diffrence being that their leader usually has something resembling arms). These large incursions seem to be getting more frequent. Yet, have stopped for now, due to Games Workshop refusing to do ANYTHING with this setting. How much moar SPESS MEHREEN can people possible take?!

They are also Vikings, which makes them innately superior to the Chaos Space Marines, their 40k brothers. Even more so, as they do not have an obsessive wolf fetish. In fact, in Mark of Chaos, there was a Warrior of Chaos called 'Engrik Wolfbane'. In teh fluff, they are known as 'Norscans'.

They regard the Empire as shooty fags who would rather stay on a hill or behind walls instead of in the thick of glorious battle like real men and the Empire thinks that they're uncivilized barbarians who must be cleaned up.

Some believe that Leman Russ fathered this race after being lost in the warp and falling to Chaos. NO! KEEP YOUR PUSSIFIED WARHAMMER 40K SHIT OUTTA HERE, FUCKING 13 YEAR OLD BOY! Sigmar is all but officially considered a primarch, deal with the crossover or GTFO!

Who the Fuck?

The undisputed main antagonists of Warhammer Fantasy; these guys forged the foundations for the popularity of Warhammer as a franchise. Yes, before it was plagued by endless GRIMDARK and endless villain sues, Warhammer was a badass fantasy universe filled with badass Vikings and Holy Roman Empire Germans killing each other for glory, bloodshed, and the lulz.

Norsca: A peninsula located in the extreme north of the Old World, just slightly south of the Chaos Wastes, wherein lies a bona-fide portal to hell. Oh, you think the Eye of Terror is worth anything? That place cries every night due to the fact it will never be as badass as the Chaos Wastes. Dwelling in Norsca itself? Giants and Trolls fill the icy forests, providing the badass Northmen with ample opportunity for their young to cut their teeth before manhood.

The harsh, ice-bound Northland produces the most powerful, savage and terrifying warriors in the setting. The Norscans literally breathe war, which sends many to gravitate to Khorne. That's right. Norscans are BORN into worship of Chaos. No 'corruption' or 'crisis of faith' here. Worshiping the Satanic Eldritch Gods of Evil is the state approved religion. Also something that makes them superior to Chaos Marines is that these guys are actually feared. And led by badasses. And rather amusingly, they seem a lot smarter, but mostly because the fluff doesn't have them acting like complete and utter dumbasses all the time. Norse Longships are a feared sight on the misty seas of the Old World. Wherever they pass, they bring devastation. They are also cheerful adventurers! Consistently travelling the lands and placing outposts just cause they can. Particularly toward Lustria, which is basically the equivalent of the Vikings colonizing the Americas. Except they did this simply to start a fight with the Lizardmen.

Hell yeah, you think Orks like war? Norscans wrote the book on killing and raping.

Alas, nothing is perfect, and as per Warhammer Fantasy's analogues to real history, some Norscans have unfortunately turned to the soft civilized ways of the South. As per their Norse codes of honor, every Norscan, be he for Chaos or another Faith, must face the world with some dignity. Which basically means, fight with honor, meaning don't fight with shit like poisons and ambushes, and honesty in dealings. Though some of this is influenced by the most Southernmost Norscans cavorting with the people of Marionburg.

They usually get their asses raped when their Northern cousins reign down from the Chaos Wastes. Thus correcting the obvious quirk in the genepool. Common Norse tribes, by location, include;

Northern Tribes:

• Grælinger
• Aeslinger
• Varg

The tribes of north are closest of the Norse to the dread Chaos Wastes and the roving Kurgan tribes of the steppe, hence they are the most warlike of the northmen. Mutation is common among these tribes and they are often at the forefront of incursions, driving the way for the Kurgan tribes, willingly or not. They are a brutal and bloodthirsty lot. Merciless, they kill for the love of killing.

Southern Tribes

• Bjørnlinger
• Skælinger
• Sarls
• Bærsonlinger

The southern tribes are somewhat milder than their northern counterparts. While they raid and blunder like the rest of their kin, it is from these tribes that the new efforts for peaceful communications originate. They raid when necessary for survival, but are more interested in acts of heroism and adventure over the carnal slaughter embraced by their savage kin. More civilized as they may be, they still fight with rival tribes. In fact, the Bjornlings are fierce rivals of the Graelings, and the Sarls regularly fight the Aeslings and the Baersonlings. That said, during the Chaos Incursions, these southern Norse banded together to wage war against the Empire as it was demanded by their Gods. Refusing the call of battle is grounds for annihilation.

Noted Personalities

Oh, with the Mighty Tribes of the Norse, it would be easier to make a list of who isn't a complete badass. If that were so, this section wouldn't have to be written. But you've asked for it, so...

Arbaal the Undefeated: This guy is basically Fantasy's answer to Kharn. And as such, he's also pretty fun to be around. But so much more awesome. He's basically a grim-dark, Viking, Berserking Conan who dedicated to Khorne. Arbaal is Khorne's most favored servitor in the cannon, and the greatest of all His warriors. As well as the most potent fighter in the setting. Countless thousands have fallen beneath his bloodthirsty axe and their skulls pile at the base of the Blood God's mighty throne. A relentless fury of destruction and blood-letting descends on Arbaal whenever he wades through his foes in battle - no one has ever been able to withstand his attacks. He is ever aware of the eyes of Khorne upon him, knowing that should he one day fail in battle, the terrible wrath of his patron deity shall descend upon him. Thus is the punishment for failure. Arbaal always rides to battle on a daemonic mount - an extremely large Flesh Hound of Khorne. During the Siege of Praag it was Arbaal who finally cracked the gates of the city with his axe, beginning the slaughter of its unfortunate inhabitants. He may have subsequently fallen in the siege of the city of Kislev, along with Asavar Kul.

Fuck that last part though, Arbaal is too awesome to die.

Archaon The Everchosen: Lord of the End of Times; Chaos Incarnate; Herald of the Apocalypse

With a title that over the top you'll find yourself expecting something big, and boy does this guy deliver. The current Champion of Chaos, he's basically Abaddon in a fantasy setting only without the fail and in possession of some actual character and entertainment value (not to mention ARMS). Archaon is basically the big bad of the Warriors of Chaos faction, which makes him, essentially, the big bad of the big bad faction.

Kind of like Abaddon, he wasn't always a big spiky villain. Archaon started out as a devout templar of Sigmar, utterly dedicated to the eradication of chaos, until he saw fit to happen across some manuscripts belonging to the heretical author necrodomo the insane, thereby giving Archaon an epiphany that saw him turn over a new, spiky, chaosy leaf. What this means of course is that, unlike Abaddon, Archaon didn't meekly follow in the footsteps of his beloved husbando spiritual liege like the happy little lapdog he is, but rather switched to Chaos entirely on his own terms, thereby further exemplifying how much more awesome he is.

Archaon then went on a happy and fun filled adventure to acquire various chaos relics belonging to his predecessors, slaughtering Elves and wierd troglodyte people and a goddamn dragon among various other crazy trials before, fully blinged out, he submitted himself to a trial by fire whereby each Chaos god tried their best to screw him over. Nurgle made pus dribble out of his eye socket; Tzeentch made him run through a crystalline maze of his own design like a spiky little mouse; Slaanesh forced him to gaze directly upon his irresistible form and... resist (!). Finally, Khorne pitted him against a powered up bloodthirster, who Archaon also stuck with his incredible daemon pigsticker... 'The Slayer of Kings'. Much better than... Drar'kyen, Drak'yen, Dry'cleanen.. or whatever the hell Abbadon calls his lamer sword.

Triumphant, Archaon won a cool, spiky helmet that pretty much function as a 50-foot tall bright red neon sign attached to his head that reads I'M THE BOSS (and also had a neat little groove for his magical eye of Sheerian). He then proceeded to invade Kislev and march up to Middenheim and attempt to take it, only he failed and then got caught by an Empire army led by some upstart twerp who in an inverse to Archaon, is actually a ripoff of a much better 40k character. He caused the big guy some trouble, but the Lord of The End of Times wrecked his shit, and even managed to punt Luthor Huss all the way across the battlefield as an afterthought (Looney toons sound effects were probably involved).

Feeling a little under the weather, Archaon didn't see Grimgor coming up behind him, got melvinned by the Greenskin who then ran as fast as he fucking could out of there (because Archaon could eat Grimgor for breakfast) hooting 'Grimgor iz da best!'. Ashamed, Archaon withdrew, the world was safe, Valten got gutted in his sleep by Snikch, and nothing of consequence really happenedNOT.

Storm of Chaos was an absolute sham. GW actually grew a brain for once and realized how sucky this resolution was and pulled a rare smart move by retconning it to the extent that Archaon is back to being poised to unleash hell on the old world rather than having lost his arms in the process of doing so. Assuming he actually gets around to doing anything, stupid non-moving story.

As if you didn't need another reason to think this guy is better than Failbaddon, GW actually makes the effort to undo any of his mistakes, unlike the buffoon of the Black Legion who is doomed to be a failure time and again (and again)

Asavar Kul: Ah, Asavar Kul. The original fucking Chaos Lord. Aside from Morkar the Uniter, but we'll talk about him later. Perhaps the greatest fighter and most powerful of all the servitors of Chaos period. Asavar is basically the only person in the cannon to have almost destroyed the Empire. Before that, he mercilessly raped the Empire and destroyed all of Praag in a display of such Evil that was undreamed by Man and only barely recalled by Dwarves in their most ancient nightmares. His mighty warhost was only barely defeated by the entirety of the Old World by three other armies, including an entire regiment of Dwarves from Karaz-a-Karak. And even then, he was so powerful that Magnus the Pious could only triumph over him due to the direct aid of Sigmar. He was succeeded by Archaon and his mighty Blade; 'The Slayer of Kings' was also taken by the Lord of the End times.

Also rode a pimpin' chariot.

Engra Deathsword: "Few names in the history of Kislev still evoke as much dread as that of Engra Deathsword. So complete was his destruction of Praag that the ruins of the city were infused with the stuff of Chaos. Old texts tell of the walls, once made of stone, transformed into a grotesque, fleshy substance said to be remains of those warriors who fought against the dark Champion's horde. These walls grew faces, and their mouths screamed blasphemous curses, driving those who heard them mad. He was merciless, relentless and nigh invulnerable, clad from head to toe in armor of midnight black. His weapons were imbued with the unholy power of the Dark Gods. It took no less a man than Magnus the Pious to put an end to his bloody campaign. Had it not been for noble Magnus, the greatest cities of the Empire would have suffered the same terrible fate as Praag."

From his official art by none other than Adrian Smith many viewers have come to the conclusion that Engra must have been constantly flanked by a collection of his men whose task it was to pick him up and actually move him around the battlefield. His armour is so spiky that, if he were to attempt to take a step on his own, he would surely find himself face-first in the bodies he was hacking up not five seconds earlier.

Also some guy apparently got the entire pic tattooed on his back.

Ouch.

- Tsarina Katarina, Ice Queen of Kislev

Destroyer of Praag and commander of the armies of Asavar Kul; Engra Deathsword visited such horror upon Praag that the buildings were mutated, thus forcing the survivors to rebuild it from scratch. Fucking badass.

Vardek Crom: Vardek Crom was the herald of the Lord of the End Times, Archaon. He was once king of a mighty Kul tribe who ruled an enormous empire in the north. One day Crom was told of a group of Chaos Knights riding acoss his plains uninvited, he set off immediatley and encountered the Knights, who in truth were the Swords of Chaos, the bodyguard of Archaon and there leader, the aforementioned Archaon. Crom challenged Archaon to a duel, who refused three times and instead sent forth members of the Swords, all who were killed by Crom. Archaon eventually dimounted and fought using his shield, when he eventually drew his sword, Crom was struck with awe, Crom stopped struggling against him and joined his warband. From that day forth Crom united the Kul and sprung a mighty army for Archaon. Crom set off through Steppes and though the World Edge Mountains to the Empire. Crom is known to have fought and beaten the tribes of the Orc Warlord Grimgor Ironhide, and managed to fight the Orc warlord himself to a standstill (even though Grimgor had better armor and a deadly strong magic ax while all Crom had was a sword, a shield, an ax, and Chaos armor).

A fine friend he was, yet somehow curiously absent while Archaon faced off with the three greatest servitors of the Empire, one being the physical reincarnation of a God. Hmmm.. Sindri?

Thorgar the Blooded One: Ah, good ole Thorgar. This guy isn't technically cannon, but still, he's just so badass that he needs an entry here. The only good character from the bland, forgettable Warhammer Fantasy vidya gaem, Mark of Chaos, Thorgar was a champion of the armies of Asavar Kul. After the death of his war leader, he took command of his unit and led them to safety. Several years later, he meets up with a Chaos Sorcerer called Sudubaal, Herald of the Gods. Their lulz-worthy exchange at the beginning of the campaign was at follows;

Sudubaal: HEAR MY WORDS, BRAVE WARRIOR OF THE GODS!

Thorgar: WHO IS THAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT OF ME?!

Sudubaal: I AM THE HERALD OF THE GODS, AND I COME TO YOU WITH A MESSAGE, THORGAR OF THE KHAZAGS: YOU HAVE MIGHTY DEEDS TO ACCOMPLISH AND GREAT GLORY TO WIN! THE GODS HAVE SET THEIR GAZE UPON YOU, AND YOU ARE TO BE TESTED.

Thorgar: WHAT SORT OF TEST?! WHAT WOULD THEY HAVE ME DO?!

Sudubaal: THEIR CHOSEN: ASAVAR KUL HAS FALLEN, ANOTHER MAY TAKE HIS PLACE AND STAND BEFORE THE GODS AS THEIR HIGHEST CHAMPION! A MAN STRONG ENOUGH TO OVERCOME ALL FOES, WITH AN ARMY LARGE ENOUGH TO CONQUER NATIONS, MIGHT INHERIT THE MANTLE THAT KUL ONCE WORE!!!

Thorgar: HOW AM I TO ASSEMBLE AN ARMY?! I CANNOT CONJURE WARRIORS FROM THIN AIR!

Sudubaal: THAT IS THE TEST, FOOLISH MORTAL! PROVE YOUR WORTH! CONQUER AND DESPOIL FOR THE GLORY OF THE CHAOS GODS! AND THE ULTIMATE REWARD SHALL BE YOURS! YOUR KINSMEN AND ALLIES ARE ALL AROUND YOU! THE WEAK MEN OF THE SOUTH CAPTURED MANY AFTER KUL WAS LOST, BUT THEY STILL LIVE AND CAN FIGHT ONCE AGAIN!

Thorgar: THIS IS JUST A DREAM! TOO MUCH STOLEN WINE AND UNDERCOOKED MEAT IS PLAYING TRICKS ON ME!

SUDUBAAL: DO NOT A QUESTION A HERALD OF THE GODS!!!

Thorgar: NO U!

Can you still hear? Darn.

Anyway, armed with his strength and Chaos-blessed armaments and awesome, yet incredibly hammy voice acting, Thorgar systematically ass raped the Empire and the Elves, subjugated a group of Skaven and fought through several tests in the Realm of Chaos itself, including fighting an army of Bloodletters and wrestling Chaos Spawn, and also killed a mirror of himself. LOLWUT? And then he dedicated himself to Khorne and became a Chaos Lord. He then tortured an Elf archmage for the whereabouts of Kul's tomb, found it, and then Sudubaal attempted to Sindri him but failed. Making Thorgar the only Chaos Lord to outsmart a Chaos Sorcerer or some other wily supporting character. He then became a Daemon Prince and single handedly destroyed an entire elven army, along with their dragon riding prince leader. He then destroyed Talabiheim.

Why isn't THIS guy running the Black Crusades, again? Why wasn't THIS guy sent to Tartarus or Lorne V?

Bel-Lakor The Dark Master This is a guy who would be awesome to be if being him didn't suck so much. He was the first daemon prince, and ruled the world before Sigmar's coming. His reign came to an end when he got a bit too proud and Tzeentch made him into a body-less spirit. Bel-Lakor was then stuck as the first two everchosen were sent out, and killed despite nearly toppling the Old World. He was royally pissed because he felt he would have would have done a better job defeated any challenges, including Sigmar, and attempting to possess they 3rd everchosen, which simply got both of them "dead" (Bel-Lakor can't exactly die) when he tried to crown himself. He finally managed to regain a physical form when Archeon was crowned as the fourth everchosen, though Bel-Lakor had no interest in working with him, and instead gathered a legion of daemons and went out on his own in attempt to prove his own superiority. Ultimately this just got him blasted back to the realm of chaos by Telicus.

Bel-Lakor was only released for the Storm of Chaos in rules, in which he's essentially a beef-up daemon prince due to his ability to re-roll missed attacks, enemies always have to test for terror, and he's a level 4 wizard with a unique set of spells. Compare to his rival Archeon, he's more of fighting magic, where as Archeon, who is virtually unchanged for 6th to 7th editions, is a killing machine with some magic ability.

Wait! Who are these Kurgan guys?!

It is tempting to simply write, 'go watch Highlander' and be on my way, but I am far too professional for that.

The Kurgan are one of the tribal peoples known as Northmen who inhabit the Chaos Wastes. The Kurgan's territories cover a vast swathe of the Northern Chaos Wastes, which surrounds the Realm of Chaos at the northern polar region. The Kurgan live in nomadic tribes, traveling with their families and livestock, their wandering directed by their chieftains and the whims of their Chaos gods. Their territories are wherever they find themselves. Kurgans are almost without exception horse tribes. Some tribes travel with wagons to carry tents and altars. Those few tribes who do not travel by mount wander by foot, or for some reason have chosen to permanently settle an area. The Kurgan are divided into numerous tribes, some more savage and ferocious than others. The tribes further to the north and closer to the Realm of Chaos are the most ferocious and barbarous, and the most devoted followers of Chaos. The Dolgans, one of more southern Kurgan tribes, had once lived in relative peace with the Ungols of Kislev. Today they have become less ambiguous, and now form together under Zars in imitation of the Tzars of Kislev. Their attacks have been growing more powerful as more of the bands come together and it is becoming harder to push them back, even though their attacks usually only last for one season. Infamous leaders of the Kurgan were: Surtha Lenk, Follower of Tzeentch, who destroyed the Imperial city of Wolfenburg Aelfric Cyrnwulf, the Chosen of Tzeentch, who invaded Kislev at the beginning of the Storm of Chaos Asavar Kul, Kurgan Warlord and Everchosen, who invaded Kislev during the Great war against Chaos

Yeah, they put a lot of imagination into that, didn't they?

Conclusion

Awesome. The word is an insult to the Warriors of Chaos. They are a level of indisputable godly badass that they dwarf their grandsons in every way, and manage to avoid come as being as dumb. Oh, what's that Dante? You needed a pussy AXE to cleave a Bloodthirster in two? Archaon did that with his bare hands.