A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thones BITCH, Game of thrones BITCH

A Song of Ice and Fire is a fantasy book series that you probably never heard of before you pirated the torrents of the HBO show. Its central themes include incest, douchebaggery, and inefficiency. Thus it has become one of the most popular series of our generation and its author, George R. R. Martin, has been praised for his highly realized world and gritty low fantasy style. He was even called "the American Tolkien" by Time magazine gormless idiots who lump diametrically different writers together for no other reason than that they're both fantasy authors. The series itself is set on the totally not medieval European ripoff realm of Westeros as it is wracked by a massive civil war drawing its nations into conflict. There's at least five kings depending on how you're counting, they're burning the continent down in their scramble for power, and somehow all of the fuck-ups are managing to lose simultaneously. Said fuck-ups include:

Yeah, pretty much.

• House Stark: Proud, hardass, northerners who serve as the series' main narrators. They have a tendency towards Lawful Stupid that bites them in the ass frequently. House Words: Winter is coming.
  • Notable Members include: Eddard Stark, patriarch, lord and POV death-puppet.
  • Robb Stark, shiny, Lawful Stupid King Arthur-like hero, cacks it nastily.
  • Sansa Stark,
  • Arya Stark, little tomboy assassin.
  • Catelyn Stark (nee Tully), who fucks everyone's shit up.
  • Bran Stark, intelligent little boy, crippled in the first sign of major GrimDark
  • Rickon Stark, four years old at the start, turning into a real little Barbarian by the third book.
  • Jon Snow, a Bastard.
• House Lannister: Rich, fabulous, bastards who always pay their debts. Not much of a martial tradition but if you cross them they will fucking cut you. You can tell they are the bad guys because they are blonde have an army of sick fucks, including a zebra-riding mercenary band and 7'20" Khornate Champion Gregor Clegane. House Words: Hear me roar.
  • Tywin Lannister, head of the house. Kills everyone who fights against him, he was the true power behind the throne until Tyrion murdered him.
  • Cersei Lannister, twin sister to Jaime Lannister and wife to King Robert Baratheon. She fucks her brother all the time, and had three of his children, who she passed off as Roberts to grab power. Crazy.
  • Jaime Lannister, twin brother to Cersei Lannister and commander of the Kingsguard. He loves his sister in every sense of the word and had three children with her.
    • Joffrey Baratheon, the dead king on the Iron Throne. An all-around bastard, in EVERY sense of the word.
    • Tommen Baratheon, the new king on the Iron Throne. Married to a shotacon wife, who might or might not have arranged for his brother's murder.
    • Mycella Baratheon, princess, had her face fucked up because of the Martells.
  • Tyrion Lannister, a dwarf who is awesome but who everyone hates.
• House Baratheon: Ascended to the iron throne after a successful rebellion. Produce no less than three claimants to the succession, each more shit better than the last. House Words: Ours is the Fury.
  • Robert Baratheon, fat old king who led the rebellion and married Cersei Lannister. Then he fucked a bunch of other women and had lots of kids, and was killed by a boar.
  • Renly Baratheon, gay. Killed by The Mannis for trying to steal his crown.
  • Stannis "The Mannis" Baratheon, TRUE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE, all-around badass who swings between Lawful Stupid and killing everyone who stands against him getting shit done.
• House Targaryen: The one time dragon kings and rulers of Westeros. Due to a policy of catastrophic inbreeding they sired a line of increasingly unstable kings, culminating in Aerys "That Guy" Targaryen and a palace coup. House Words: Fire and Blood.
• House Tully: Lords of the central river lands. Being the obligatory central nation they spend a lot of the series being fought over like a cake in between fat kids. House Words: Family, duty, honor.
• House Arryn: Mountain lords turned neurotic shut ins. House Words: As high as honor.
• House Greyjoy: Piratical raiders who sail around Westeros sticking their dicks in people's eyes. Nobody really likes them but they're tolerated as long as they remain useful and a relatively minor nuisance. Non-Chaos worshiping Norscans (hell, they worship TotallyNotCthulhu, which is a lateral move from Chaos). Victarion Greyjoy gets shit done while wearing fucking plate armor during boarding actions, Aeron Greyjoy is a priestly Alan Moore who drinks seawater, and Euron "Crow's Eye" Greyjoy is a sick fuck pirate sorcerer. All things considered, we hope these guys win. House Words: We do not sow.
• House Tyrell: Lords of Highgarden and backstabbers par-excellence. House Words: Growing strong.
• Night's Watch: The Night's Watch are an apolitical force in charge of manning the wall, a giant wall that separates the relative tranquility of the south from the Lovecraftian fucked-up-itude of the true north. They are chronically undermanned and undersupplied since nobody believes their stories of a barbarian army or the impending zombie apocalypse. Basically everybody else thinks they're in a game of Diplomacy and the Night's Watch are the only ones who realize they're actually in Warhammer Fantasy Battle.
• House Martell: Desert dwelling survivalists who pride themselves on having never been conquered by the Targeryn dynasty (though they later married in). House Words: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken.
• The Others, a mysterious race from beyond the Wall, known to HBO fans as "the White Walkers". Eight thousand years ago, they invaded Westeros during a decades long winter known as "the Long Night". With an army of undead warriors, they proceeded to fuck Westeros up every which way to Sunday before the locals finally drove them out, established the Night's Watch, and built the Wall to keep them out. Most assume they were a myth, and those who believe they existed at all assume they died out millennia ago, so there's no need to worry about th--*three horn blasts sound*...RUN!

Games

Like any fantasy author who finds themselves unexpectedly in the warm embrace of commercial success Martin quickly licensed the shit out of his setting, spawning everything from resin miniatures to replica great swords. While most of this is worthless junk to foist on obsessive fanboys /tg/ has agreed that a few of the games are made of win. The first two are a collectable card game put out in 2002 by Fantasy Flight Games and a risk-esque board game that followed shortly after in 2003. One of White Wolf's subsidiaries also put out a d20 RPG in 2005 but it quickly tanked because, come on, White Wolf. Martin since wrested the rights back and developed a new version with Green Ronin games.

Books

• A Game of Thrones
• A Clash of Kings
• A Storm of Swords
• A Feast for Crows
• A Dance with Dragons
• The Winds of Winter
• A Dream of Spring