Ciaphas Cain

Hero of the Imperium

Ciaphas Cain, HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!! was a famous Commissar of the Imperium and is the protagonist of the named Ciaphas Cain series of novels by Sandy Mitchell. He spent most of his career in active service attached to Imperial Guard regiments from the ice world of Valhalla - most notably the 597th, one of the rare mixed-sex regiments - and accompanied by his aide Jurgen. He retired to become a professor at a Schola Progenium later in life, but this did not mark the end of his exploits, being recalled into active service during the 13th Black Crusade. He was also called upon at many points throughout his life to assist the Ordos Xenos Inquisitor Amberley Vail, who is almost certainly his lover. She is equal parts cute, perky, and stupifyingly dangerous.

The novels are presented as extracts from Cain's personal, unofficial memoirs, edited by Amberley - published only to and kept under lock and key by the Inquisition as they present a vastly different story to all the official Imperial propaganda about his adventures. Contrary to the heroic image he cultivated to the Imperium at large, Cain described himself as a self-serving coward in his memoirs, spending most of his time trying to ensure his own comfort and survival, only becoming a hero by accident. However, despite his self-deprecation, he routinely demonstrates great bravery and compassion in the stories, leading many to believe he is a much better person than he would admit to himself. In any event, he always subscribed to the long-term version of cowardice, often taking courses of action that appeared extremely dangerous on the basis that they gave him a better chance of survival in the long term, if not the short one.

He is also well known for being one of the few commissars to earn the trust and respect of the Guardsmen he served with - aided by his heroic reputation, but mainly because he persistently demonstrated care and concern for the soldiers of his regiment. Despite repeated insistence in his memoirs he merely did this to get on their good sides, there's a great deal of evidence that his feelings were genuine.

Cain himself was an extremely skilled combatant, being an excellent shot with his trusty laspistol and highly proficient in the use of his chainsword in melee. Amongst other things, he defeated an Ork warboss and two Chaos Space Marines in single combat, both incredible feats for an ordinary man, especially as the only bionics he possessed were a few replacement fingers. Not to mention going toe to toe with two Tyranid Hive Tyrants, and wounding them both before his men can help him. Mind you, even ranged Hive Tyrants can rip up an Assault Marine and eat him without too much effort. Further exploits include holding his own against a fucking Daemon Princess pretty well (with Jurgen's help, but still he did better than most would have), defeating Genestealers in close combat (one of which could kill two Word Bearers and severely injure a third in a matter of seconds), and standing his ground against a fucking Genestealer Patriarch/Broodlord. He also has the honour of being forever listed on "Active Battle Duty", according to official records, despite being buried with full battle honours in the early M42's; this is because, in the course of his exploits, he had been assumed to have died only to reappear later so many times that the Administratum couldn't keep up with the paperwork and simply issued a general order that his recorded status not be changed despite any evidence apparently to the contrary.

Das Novels

Essentially, George MacDonald Fraser's The Flashman Papers transplanted into the 41st Millennium, though, while Cain is more of a Coward with a Heart of Gold, Flashman can best be described as a Jerk with a Heart of Jerk, Braised in a Jamaican Jerk Sauce, then Dried out into Jerked Jerk Jerky.

Whilst the books are quite well-written, Sandy Mitchell is a big fan of recycling - even down to specific sentences. Hence each book is guaranteed to feature exactly the same descriptions of his aide Jurgen as all the others, and each contains about half a dozen variations on the theme of "Of course, if I knew what I was getting myself into by doing X, I'd have rather charged into the Eye of Terror with nothing but a rusty fork."

They are also notable for the Jurgen Ex Machina, where most of the dramatic fights are ended by the intervention of Cain's aide Jurgen armed with a meltagun and his powers as a psyker-disrupting "blank." Over the course of the series, Jurgen has racked up more kills than the rest of the Valhallan 597th put together, and has yet to have any character development whatsoever. But that's fine, because Jurgen is 125% distilled awesome.

Also features psychotic lesbian Valhallans, Orky Gargants crumpin' dose Necron gits, a grinning, friendly neighborhood Inquisitor (who you should flee from at all costs), psychotic psykers who wear dresses too small, savants that are barred from entering casinos, World Eaters getting killed by "mere" humans, surviving a starship crash, playing Space Hulk for real, blue facepainted Tau supporters yelling that you can take their lives, but not their freedom, and the Harriers getting the goddamn cup. And Space Daemon Werewolf Psyker Hitler being kicked over a dam by a solid boot to the arse.

Cain Books and Collected Short Stories

Cain, summed up in all his glory. (The actual SCENE is from The Traitor's Hand.)

• Hero of the Imperium (Contains For the Emperor, Caves of Ice, and The Traitor's Hand, as well as three short stories)
  • For the Emperor!
  • Caves of Ice
  • The Traitor's Hand
• Defender of the Imperium (Contains Death or Glory, Duty Calls, and Cain's Last Stand, as well as two short stories)
  • Death or Glory
  • Duty Calls
  • Cain's Last Stand
• The Emperor's Finest
• The Last Ditch
• The Greater Good

Trivia

• He is technically the "Edmund Blackadder" of the Warhammer 40k universe. Jurgen is considered as Cain's "Baldrick" - dirty, disregarded, not all that bright but a good dogsbody to Cain. (Though a slightly more intelligent and significantly more badass Baldrick; think Baldrick from series 1 but with a melta).
• More specifically, he is technically the Captain Edmund Blackadder of Blackadder Goes Forth for Warhammer 40k universe. Like Captain Blackadder, is always trying to avoid combat, escape death, and retire from the Imperial Guard.
• According to the narrator of his books (no, really) he uses the Lord Commissar rules on the tabletop.

Stats

Commissar Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Imperium!

• HQ, 130 pts.
• WS 6 BS 4 S 3 T 3 W 3 I 3 A 3 Ld 10 Sv 4+
• Composition: 1 Comissar Ciaphas Cain
• Unit Type: Infantry (unique)
• Wargear: Carapace armour, Laspistol, Close-combat weapon.
• Special Rules:
  • Aura of Discipline, Eternal Warrior, Independent Character, Night Vision
  • Hero of the Imperium!: Ciaphas Cain's heroic reputation (regardless of whether it is fraudulent or not) inspires those around him to follow his example, even as it drives Cain to worry about what will happen if he fails to live up to it. When accompanying a unit, Ciaphas Cain, and the unit he accompanies, are Stubborn. Additionally, all units within 12" of Cain (including one he accompanies) automatically pass tests to Regroup, and may move, shoot (or Run), and declare charges normally in the turn in which they Regroup.
  • Leader of Men: Even though he is a Commissar, Ciaphas Cain can never uses Summary Execution, as this would mean one less body standing between him and danger. He may still execute a Psyker that failed Perils of the Warp test, as per the It's For Your Own Good rule.
  • Pintle Gunner: While Ciaphas Cain is embarked in a transport vehicle, that vehicle may fire one pintle weapon using Ciaphas Cain's Ballistic Skill, even if the weapon would otherwise fire at Ballistic Skill 1 (firing snap shots, for instance). The other weapons it is normally allowed to fire do so at normal their normal Ballistic Skill.
  • Survival Instincts: Comissar Cain's focus on personal safety, and experience in surviving dangerous situations allows him, and the unit he joins, to avoid danger. Add 1 to all cover save rolls made by Cain and his unit.
• Options: Comissar Ciaphas Cain may be accompanied by Gunner Jurgen (90 pts.)
• Transport: Comissar Ciaphas Cain may take a Chimera or a Salamander as dedicated transport.

Gunner Jurgen

• WS 3 BS 4 S 3 T 3 W 2 I 3 A 1 Ld 9 Sv 4+
• Unit Type: Infantry (unique)
• Wargear: Carapace armour, Lasgun, Meltagun, Frag and krak grenades.
• Special Rules:
  • Look Out - Aargh!, Preferred Enemy (Orks)
  • Comissar's Aide: Gunner Jurgen counts as an Independent Character, but must always accompany Ciaphas Cain, joining and leaving units together with him. If Cain is removed as a casualty, Jurgan drags him off the field, and is also removed.
  • Robust Driving Style: While Jurgen is embarked in a transport vehicle, that vehicle is not required to take difficult terrain tests, and treats dangerous terrain as difficult.
  • Psychic Blank: Any Psyker (both friendly and enemy) using or targeting a power within 6" of Jurgen must succeed an additional Psychic test. In both cases, the test must be made on 3D6, and suffers Perils of the Warp on any roll of doubles. Synapse Creatures within 6" of Jurgen lose that special rule.
  • Stand Back, Comissar (aka Jurgen Ex Machina): Gunner Jurgen may not enter a challenge other than through Glorious Intervention to replace Comissar Ciaphas Cain, and he automatically passes the Initiative test to do so. Instead of making a close combat attack, at Jurgen's Initiative turn, he may make a ranged attack with his meltagun against the enemy character. Note that since the enemy character will be within 2" of Jurgen, Melta rule for target within 1/2 weapon range applies.
  • Scrounger: Jurgen's voluminous collection of odds and ends can come in handy for offering that one unexpected edge. Once per game, Ciaphas or Jurgan may reroll any one die they are called upon to roll.

External Links

• Lexicanum page on Cain

Famous members of the Imperial Guard
Commissars:	Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt Commissar Anton Gebbet Commissar Ciaphas Cain Commissar Holt Commissar Lord Bernn Commissar Severina Raine Commissar Yarrick
Senior Officers:	Colonel Carus Brom Colonel Greiss Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken General Sturnn Governor-Militant Lukas Alexander Lieutenant-Colonel Mikail Leonid Lord Castellan Ursarkar E. Creed Lord Castellan Ursula J. Creed Lord General Castor Lord Solar Macharius Lord Solar Arcadian Leontus Vance Motherfucking Stubbs
Junior Officers:	Captain Al'Rahem Commander Kubrik Chenkov Knight Commander Pask
Enlisted Guardsmen:	Colour Sergeant Jarran Kell Gunner Ferik Jurgen Mogul Kamir Nork Deddog Ollanius Pius Sergeant Harker Sergeant Lukas Bastonne Sergeant Merrick Sly Marbo Trooper Arden