Emperor's To-Do List

The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up.

This article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the Adeptus Custodes happens to have this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, and had a good breakfast.

Rules for new entries

1: Learn to spell, this is the Emperor's sacred list, not the toilet paper roll of an illiterate five year old.

2: Keep crossovers to a minimum, especially dumb ones. Before you make it, ask yourself "can it be funny without referencing non-warhammer stuff?" If the answer is yes, don't make the reference.

3: Read through the damn list before repeating the same damn thing over again, having five entries all asking for the same thing is stupid. Read it? Read it again!

4: Learn to be funny and not painfully annoying, jokes are fine, bad jokes are not, before you show us your wit, tell it to some friends and see if they laugh.

5: Avoid excessive strike-throughs and blamming as it makes it hard for all of us to read

6: Anyone who declares a state of anarchy or refers to this article as a "thread" will be shot, dragged out behind the barnyard, beaten severely, then shot again.

7: If you can't make jokes, then put some effort to make an insightful or interesting submission. Think about what the God-Emperor would actually do when he wakes up to the sight of a regressing civilization.

8: Do not under any circumstance edit these rules.

The Holy List (in no particular order)

"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."

The joke is that the Emperor of Mankind is truly and honestly a hero,(OR IS HE?!?!?)(No, he wasn't, he was a liar, a tyrant and a galactic asshole who sought authoritarian dominion over all Humanity (but still was a far more honest and heroic leading figure of Man than what the slaves of Chaos would have you believe).) but in his absence the people running the Empire are corrupt and GRIMDARK. Thus the "improvements" of this list by Adeptus Custodes and the Commissars of the Imperial Guard.

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1. Take a shower, I smell worse than a plague marine at this point.
2. Brush my teeth, because at this point, my halitosis could probably qualify as a form of Exterminatus.
3. Look at list and reorganize priorities, some items lower on the list are more important than higher ones.
4. Scratch that itch that has been bugging the shit out of me for the last 10,000 years.
5. Eat a live Carnifex without the aid of sauces.
6. Eat another live Carnifex with the aid of sauces.
7. Turn yet Another Carnifex into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last Carnifex that doesn't fear me.
8. Wash it all down with a glass of soda and Amasec.
9. Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Workshop.
10. Destroy the enemies of the Imperium.
11. Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than sending thousands of Guardsmen to take a hill outpost.
12. Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps the Dark age of Technology left us. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
13. Replace the Imperial Guardsmen Flashlights Lasguns with something that can actually do shit. Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles and Gauss Flayers HELL YEA!!!!!
14. Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition dudes, Sororitas, Commissars... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and then let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
15. Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. after the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
16. Outangry Angron, outsex Fulgrim, outfortify Perturabo, outwit Magnus, outpreach Lorgar, and... I'll think of something Mortarion is good at that won't make me want to puke and beat him at it. Oh wait, huffing deadly poisons.
17. Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
18. Show Slaanesh my dick and watch as he kills him/her/itself because of envy! If he doesn't, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
19. Hug Papa Nurgle and remain pure.
20. Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
21. Outdick Eldrad. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again.
22. Go back in time and tell the dumb fuck at Workshop Matthew Ward who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
23. Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
24. Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody
25. Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
26. Go on a deer-hunting trip with some Vindicare and bag more kills than him using MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
27. Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
28. Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
29. Outbrood a Culexus Assassin and still remain awesome.
30. Deceive the C'tan false God "The Deceiver" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
31. Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
32. Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
33. Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
34. Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks?
35. Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
36. Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program(no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
37. Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space Viking, Leman Russ, and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
38. Prove the existence of the Alpha Legion.
39. Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process.
40. Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire.
41. Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just one unit as a scout, I field an ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts.
42. Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout.
43. Recognize the Legion of the Damned for their awesomeness and badassery.
44. Challenge Sly Marbo to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
45. Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only an angry glare.
46. Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
47. Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the years decades centuries fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
48. Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again.
49. Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword.
50. Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
51. Throw a WAAAGH
52. Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH.
53. Aim said WAAAGH at the Necrons/Tyranids.
54. Bring a camera.
55. ???
56. PROFIT.
57. Find Lion El'Jonson and get him back on the front line owning shit.
58. Resurrect Rogal Dorn.
59. Visit Roboute Guillaume and tell him to hurry the fuck up and fully heal.
60. Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the Angry Marines, Manly Marines and those other guys canon.
61. Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Sword's!!!
62. Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread ain't ready yet.
63. Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel.
64. Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
65. Promote Cypher to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent then any of the puny humans that get to that rank, and seems more reliable then Lion El'Jonson.
66. Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of Commorragh under the table, and then kick PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
67. Proceed to turn the remnants of Commorragh into a family friendly theme/waterpark called EMPRA LAND! Featured attractions: Blam the Xenos, Hot Heretic and Dismember the Deamon!
68. Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
69. GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD?
70. Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since it's I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
71. Make the Ultramarines stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
72. Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a God would suck so hard?
73. Redesign the power armor pauldrons. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. While I'm at it, find out why the hell the fuck I though that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
74. Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see wannabe Horuses try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
75. Invent a power staircase.
76. Congratulate Failbaddon for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp.
77. Use Time machine to bring Archaon into the 41st millennia and watch him beat Abbadon with with his own arms and take his place so I may have a worthy opponent.
78. Surf a flying leviathan.
79. Surf an Emperor-Class Titan
80. Get GW to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
81. Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
82. Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
83. Make Commissar Yarrick into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
84. Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
85. Resurrect Ibram Gaunt and restore Tanith for him and his "Tanith First (and Only)". HE'S STILL ALIVE DAMNIT!
86. Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
87. Develop a method to make Adeptus Astartes bio-implants work also on women, then use the newly researched technology to turn the Sisters of Battle into female Space Marines. This will make those Slaanesh-worshiper cultists and Dark Eldar faggots think twice before violating ANY of my subjects
88. Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
89. Find the C'tan called "The Outsider" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
90. Finally win a game of Paradox Poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
91. Organize my birthday party.
92. Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
93. Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, causing him to explode.
94. Figure out how to tell my man bitches to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a magma cannon or something badass...
95. Re-cushion the golden throne.
96. Fix my fucked up face.
97. Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on Hiveworld planets.
98. Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started. Item 57 might help this along.
99. Beat Abaddon with his own arms.
100. Recharge my iAuspex.
101. Beat Matt Ward and C.S. Goto over the head with their crappy works
102. Tell the Black Templars to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
103. Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
104. Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
105. Fetch Badassius his coat.
106. Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
107. Challenge Doomrider into a space coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
108. Convince Doombreed to allow a model of himself to be made.
109. Get a haircut. Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
110. Have a trip over to the dentist.
111. Exterminatus Equestria
112. Start an intergalactic fast food chain.
113. Invent a time machine
114. Using the time-machine to drink Leman Russ under the table.
115. Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
116. Assign Primarch to the Angry Marines
117. Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
118. Find my driver's license and look up own name.
119. Make Galaxy Wide Web.
120. Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
121. Invent a website called 40.000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL trolls that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
122. Outangry a Angry Marine
123. Outpretty a Pretty Marine
124. Outfap Faptau in a furry challenge.
125. Utterly destroy all furfaggotry. (space wolves not included!)
126. Beat myself in arm-wrestling with only one arm.
127. Beat Commissar Fuklaw in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
128. Tell the Blood Ravens to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
129. Satisfy Shlicktau to the point were she no longer wants to shlick.
130. Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
131. Pimp the Golden Throne so that i may score even more bitches.
132. Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
133. Creed was here. No, I wasn't. Now I am!
134. Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
135. Turn off my nightlight. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Too bad.
136. Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
137. Get Isha out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. Just as Planned.
138. Seduce Isha, just to prove I can, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed.
139. Then laugh.
140. Then give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
141. Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
142. Build a gold fortress at the centre of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
143. Become human parasite.
144. Punch Mork in the balls, with Gork's severed fist.
145. Demote Creed and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
146. Beat Swarmlord and mindfuck Hive Mind
147. Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
148. Get Andy Chambers BACK!!!
149. Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a ripoff of Gears of War/Starcraft in the balls with Powerboots. Then send the Angry Marines in.
150. Beat Matt Ward to death with C.S. Goto.
151. Beat C.S. Goto to death with Matt Ward's corpse.
152. Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
153. Resurrect Sanguinius
154. Resurrect Ferrus Manus
155. Find Leman Russ, Corvus Corax, Jaghatai Khan and Vulcan then get their asses back to battlefield.
156. Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
157. Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
158. Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list!
159. Then do it again.
160. Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere...
161. ...then Virus Bomb said area......
162. Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
163. Congratulate Vance Stubbs.
164. Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armor set is just SO 10 millennia ago.
165. Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
166. Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard. Commissars get Terminator Armor.
167. Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "God Emperor Class Titan".
168. Play Matt Ward in a game of Warhammer 40K. Let him build the ultimate broken Ultramarines/Grey Knights army. Destroy him in the first round with a Sisters of Battle army.
169. Go back in time and reduce the prices at Games Workshop.
170. Unfuck the galaxy (again).
171. Adopt Cultist-Chan. Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
172. Find a Tarrasque and make it my personal pet.
173. Commend Captain Titus for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes. Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
174. Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon. That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub. Hiveships, once dreaded, now become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
175. Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries.
176. Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
177. Write a best-selling autobiography.
178. Buy a shop-vac and drain Khorne's lake of blood. Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry. Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable rage as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.
179. Tell everyone to cheer up. The universe is depressing enough, I don't need an entire empire worth of wangst.
180. Create a chastity belt out of necrodermis and put it on Slaanesh.
181. Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us.
182. Weaponize a vuvuzela.
183. Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
184. Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
185. Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport.
186. Invite the Eldar, Chaos and the Ork forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game.
187. Disband the Ultramarines Chapter and show Matt Ward what has been done as part of the torture.
188. Revive the Squats.
189. Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse.
190. Resurrect Horus again and beat him to an inch away from death, then put him in life support/stasis for 10,000 years and make sure he feels every second of it- lets see how he likes being in agony for countless millenia.
191. Teach the Adeptus Mechanicus there is no such thing as machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more. See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses.
192. Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
193. Give the remaining Lamentaters a hug. They deserve it.
194. Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
195. Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
196. Find a way to build Blackstone Fortresses.
197. Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan.
198. Bring back Warhammer Wednesday.
199. Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the Fight, like he Did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
200. Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in.
201. Train the commissars to stop executing their own men and start executing Furries instead.
202. Officially recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
203. Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of Simo Hayha that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
204. Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
205. Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
206. Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests.
207. Make a 40K version of Bloodbowl.
208. Reintroduce the Imperial Truth, but this time, inform my citizens and soldiers of the dangers of Chaos and how to prevent it from infecting them.
209. Overhaul the Imperial Guard's stance on martial justice. If I happen to catch a Commissar shooting a recruit out of a meaningless quibble, I will beat him with my bare fists and he will have to be permanently accompanied by a servo-skull equipped with a colostomy bag. Commissar reasonable agrees
210. Research ways to prepare Orks as a palatable substitute for Corpse Starch rations, much like the ancient Terran food product "Quorn." Would also increase morale among common soldiers, as they would treat a WAAAGH like a Grox dinner with Amasec on legs.
211. Find way to make bolt-mounted power field generators feasible? Perhaps I should look at the Angry Marines' Adamantine Sack of Power Doorknobs...
212. Place an Imperial edict forbidding the use of Baroque and Gothic architecture. Who knows how many resources were spent gilding those fucking stupid space cathedrals?
213. Use a hive city as a tooth pick.
214. Make a new edition of Epic Armageddon.
215. Try to domesticate some Tyranids so that we can ride them like war horses or some shit. I don't think it will work but I just want to see if we can manage it. Besides even if it doesn't work it will probably be a fun experience (assuming nobody gets eaten).
216. Crush Doomrider into a fine powder and snort him.
217. Party with pedro cantor and promote him to Imperial Fist primarch.
218. Invent a way to make female marines, and give them all to the Crimson Fists. Those poor bastards need it.
219. Introduce the Angry Marines to megaphones.
220. Establish the Adeptus Astartes Legions once again and rewrite the Codex Astartes to emphasize tactical and strategic flexibility. Those who protest this action will be redirected to the complaints department, which happens to be located on my power fist.
221. Give a Honey Badger power armour and use it as a weapon.
222. Build a Tank to crush a MOTHERFUCKING BANEBLADE.
223. Give it to Yarrick as a present.
224. Invent Krak-Grenade Tennis with Thunder Hammers for rackets.
225. Invent Krak-Grenade Baseball with Thunder Hammers for bats.
226. Invent Krak-Grenade Cricket with Thunder Hammers for bats.
227. Invent Krak-Grenade Golf with Thunder Hammers for clubs.
228. Beat Da Squig in a Baneblade race.
229. Declare Tank Motorsports as an official sport.
230. Amass a fleet of a million ships and finish kicking the shit out of everything else in the galaxy.
231. Bring back the Enslavers. Then enslave them.
232. Make a Baneblade the size of a Emperor Titan.
233. Make a Titan the size of a Emperor class battleship.
234. Make a Emperor Class battle ship the size of a World Engine.
235. Learn how to make Tyranid calamari.
236. Learn how to make Tyranid Tika Masala.
237. Dissolve the Ecclesiarchy.
238. Play hide and seek with Sly Marbo and with the Tanith First (and Only) guys. It'll be interesting to see why they can't find the deity of Mankind who wears Golden Power Armour.
239. Declare Catachan Exploding Turtles (dubbed "Mine Turtles" by the local populace) an endangered species. Seriously, these things explode all over the fucking place.
240. Find a way to get a truce with the Eldar and/or Tau Empire, then throw a galaxy and webway-wide party with said allies

List for the stupid ideas (and Bad grammar)

1. Spheeesh marrines ( Example)