Marneus Calgar

File:Calgar playa.jpg

Marneus Calgar, in all his chavness.

Marneus Augustus Calgar is a character from the fictional Warhammer 40k universe. According to Matt Ward, 5th edition codex writer, Calgar is the spiritual liege of every Space Marine ever. All the Space Marines look up to him and strive ever jovially to be more like him and his Ultramarines, but because of their laughable shortcomings, most Chapters, including the Dark Angels, White Scars, Imperial Fists, Blood Angels, Iron Hands, Salamanders, Raven Guard, and all their successors, will never be as good. It is stressed constantly in the vanilla Space Marine codex and even mentioned a bit in the Blood Angels codex. The entirety of the Imperium awaits the day the Emperor awakes so that the Emperor may proclaim Calgar the rightful heir to the Imperial throne. As a surely irrelevant side note, Matt Ward plays Ultramarines.

Calgar back when he was still cool. Note the Beakie helm.

Marneus Calgar is the current Chapter Master of the Ultramarines Chapter of Space Marines, and titled Lord Macragge. Following a skirmish against the Tyranid Hive Fleet Perseus in 976.M41, Calgar lost all four limbs as well as large areas of body tissue and his left eye. Now fitted with bionic replacements, he is more machine than man. Several fa/tg/uys have argued that he currently bears a prosthetic robotic penis, ergo meaning he can never be anywhere near as awesome as Vance Motherfucking Stubbs.

Calgar's exploits have earned him renown throughout the human Imperium and everybody loves him. The massive invasion of the extragalactic aliens known as Tyranids battered itself against the Ultramarine homeworld. Although the chapter incurred grievous losses in the defense, losing its most honored and experienced warriors, Calgar's stubborn defense and hamfisted defeat of the Tyranids has become the stuff of legend on the worlds of Ultramar and beyond. People still discuss in awe the way he unexpectedly detonated that irreplaceable war ship in the middle of that hivefleet.

The battle took place in 2 main events, the confrontation between the Swarmlord and the Marneus Calgar, of course being a total failure he was beaten up by the Swarmlord and was only saved by the force feeding of his honour guard into the Swarmlord's mouth who, keeping it classy, walked off too go and mess with the polar fortresses. Calgar ran off to space where the battle for space was fought at Circe. The separate forces both sprung traps but by the sacrifice of a emperor class battle ship which sucked all the bioships into the warp somehow sparing all the imperials. Yeah..... pretty bad ass though, fuck exterminatus this is how you get shit done.

His characteristic weapons are the Gauntlets of Ultramar, which were reclaimed by the Primarch Roboute Guilliman from a Chaos Champion. These gauntlets allow Calgar to bash gaping holes in enemy lines, allowing his men to achieve victory for the Imperium in a joyous slaughter of the heretic forces across the galaxy. They do, however, make it extremely difficult to use restroom facilities, turn door handles, or hold small objects.

An unofficial nickname for Marneus is "Papa Smurf", due to other players referring to the Ultramarines as Smurfs and Calgar being their leader. The nickname has its origin in the actual miniatures' diminutive size and the fact that they are blue.

One could also point out of course that the average cartoon smurf is either a total dick or pants-on-head-retarded, and requires Papa Smurf's constant leadership and guidance just to function on an everyday basis. This allows us to extend the metaphor in a hilarious way.