Tales of Fail

This is a page for the posting of tales of epic and might fail

iN THE SHORT RUN THE PROCESS IS DAMN BORING.

Clumsy new Terminator Armour

I was doing a 3000 point game of Space Marines against Imperial Guard, where the guard player brought EVERY. LAST. TANK. HE. OWNED. Something like 30 or so tanks all in a parking lot in the center of the board, all of varying types. Of course, part of my army included a group of sigmarines; clearly space marines wearing Sigmar Pattern Terminator Armour, and sitting in a Land Raider.

My Land Raider made a beeline for his parking lot, and managed to get within 4" of a cluster of 6 tanks. The next turn he fails to destroy the land raider with Melta-veterans, and my Sigmarines disembarked, staying 1" away from the veterans. In the assault phase I had to make a 2" charge through difficult to simultaneously charge SIX TANKS. I was feeling amazing, as I was going to remove a huge chunk of his army in one go!

And then the terminators rolled snake-eyes on their charge, for a total distance of 0"! Effectively they came out of the Land Raider, and collectively tripped on their own toes. Me and my opponent both had to step outside so as to not disturb the other gamers with our boisterous laughing. When we resumed the game, my opponent swung his two punishers around and picked the terminators right up off the board.

The Great Enemy Ascendant

One of my best buddies had recently started Chaos Marines, and I had started Eldar, both happening barely a week after the release of their 6th ed codices. We decided on a 1.5k point game - in which She who Thirsts feasted mightily, and laughed with great amusement at the utter refusal of the dice to help the Eldar. A farseer, exarch, and even Eldrad himself get killed in challenges, without even scratching the opposition. Now this would have been of no consequence, for my Fire Prisms had been blasting great chunks out of the Chaos horde - if it were not for my friend rolling 3 daemon princes in a row on the chaos boon table, transforming his cultist champion, chaos lord and marine champion each into a single reason to bash my head into a wraithbone wall as I write this. My Fire Prisms each got a single shot off before being smashed to bits - misses all. The Craftworld must now prepare for all-out war.

Total Party Incineration

Playing DnD5e, I decided to make a Wild Sorcerer, because Wild Magic Surge. Okay, party consists of a cleric, a thief, a monk, a wizard and me, all level 1, all with 12HP or less. We get to go after some bad guys who are giving a small town some trouble. First battle erupts and all goes well, didn't have time to cast any 1st level spell. We get some info and move on.

Ambush! 7 highwaymen attack us! Second battle! I use my tides of chaos to get advantage for an attack, if only to force a wild magic roll on my next turn. Next turn comes in, I charm one of the mooks. Magic Surge time! D100 results in 01 - one surge each turn for the next 10 turns. Off to a great start!

Well, battle ends before I get another turn, but the surges will still happen. The sequence was

• 53 - Immune to alcohol intoxication for 5D6 days (rolled 14)
• 78 - Polymorph on myself. Successful save.
• 44 - Teleport as a bonus action
• 64 - Cast fog cloud centered on myself
• 73 - Random creature becomes poisoned (the thief)
• 75 - I glow with a bright light for 30ft. "JESUS IS COMING FROM THE MIST, BABY!"

Then, I roll 08. 3rd level fireball centered on myself. They all looked at me with a mix of awe and rage. 8D6 damage against a party of level 1 characters. Oh, did I mention that we got so excited at what would happen that the party forgot to move away from me? Because they did. Time to roll damage: 31. Me and the wizard are dead (if you take your total HP in damage when you're at 0 health, you die instantly. We had 7HP). Roll Dex save! Cleric fails! Monk fails! Thief succeeds, but he only had 4HP before the blast. Total Party Incineration at level 1.

Oh, and the charmed mook survived, because he was outside the blast zone. According to the DM, he is now level 3 and retired after the battle.

What What in the Butt

Space Marine player here. I was facing off against my friend's Tau army, and she was fielding her Y'vahra for the first time. Poor reserve rolls means both her Y'vahra and my drop pod grav Centurions fail to arrive until turn 4. She deep strikes the Y'vahra into the middle of the board to hold an objective. Only too late does she realize that it is out of range to shoot anything! On my turn, my Centurions come in, just out of intercept range. They proceed to shoot up the Y'vahra, getting just enough wounds past the invulnerable and feel no pain saves to bring the beast down in one salvo. As luck would have it, the Y'vahra's back was to the Centurions. So her Y'vahra failed to fire a single weapon in its first outing before being shot to death up the butt.