Avatar

James Cameron shows how much he cares about the enviroment.

Fursona (sometimes called Avatar) is James Cameron's crack at creating the most expensive self-insert furry transformation fanfiction in history. He succeeded, creating an obnoxious story where he becomes a giant lanky cat-thing with USB hair and saves a race of ludicrously perfect, ludicrously stereotyped natives from evil rich white people other than him. Eventually he is recognised as superior to them due to his ability to make an incredibly obvious logical inference about a giant flying dinosaur, allowing him to become Turok and bone a gratingly self-righteous female abomination while all the interesting characters in the movie die.

The cast

• James Cameron Jack Carson Jake Sullivan Semaj Noremac: A not-at-all self-insert character who is a cripple and finds his brother has died and left him a Second Life account, allowing him to live vicariously as a furry abomination in a magical fantasy land where he can bone barnyard animals with his hair. Sent to tell the local abominations to pack up and move to a different tree since the only mineral deposit on the planet happens to be under their current one, he proceeds to totally fail to do so, lie to everyone, get half of them killed avoidably, and then be forgiven for it after capturing a legendary Pokemon.
• Colonel Milhouse Quidditch: Three-times world coffee drinking champion and Earth's top racist, sent to yell incoherently and blow things up. The unsung hero.
• Useless evil corporate guy: A greedy executive who wants to get to the huge reserve of plotdevicium which for no adequately defined reason cannot be mined without cutting down a large tree, as sub-surface mining techniques are apparently impossible.
• Useless scientist and Useless helicopter pilot: Two female characters who exist to be awestruck by the furries and their respect for all life, since placing yourself in the middle of the food chain is noble and beautiful and not, for instance, incredibly dumb. One is the classic Hollywood woman scientist character who still has a job despite not once doing anything useful for the people who employ her and generally actively acting against their interests. The other is a helicopter pilot. When they are done being awestruck they are both struck in a more traditional manner and die.
• Pocahontas cat: A blue cat-thing who has been taught the arts of self-righteous speechifying and being perfect and noble from a young age. There for Semaj Noremac to fuck.
• Angry cat: A scowly, growly cat-thing who is set up to marry Pocahontas cat, and glares at Semaj Noremac a lot. Would normally betray his people out of jealousy only to to be killed by the people he was trying to help to show how evil they are, but this was clearly not perfect enough for the blue cat-abominations and so he just glares at stuff and then later stops.
• Pocahontas cat's parents: Exist to stand around being wise and vaguely judgemental towards humans. Their only real function is for one of them to get killed to show how mean the humans are and make Pocahontas cat angry at Semaj Noremac, and the other to spout exposition about Their Ways.
• Other cat-abominations: Many lanky cat-creatures who are strong and mighty and noble, and never fight among themselves, have diseases and parasites they have no idea how to cure, ostracise people for no real reason, or anything mean. In other words, native culture put on an impossibly high pedestal as part of a ridiculous attempt to apologise for the entire colonial era by defeating a bunch of pretend white people evil humans. The cats are magically linked together by their USB hair into a giant biological internet; like the real internet, it hates them and lets giant doom-animals try to eat them constantly. This largely serves the function of preventing them being impressed with the white man's human technology like real people would be.
• Stupid Deus Ex Machina: The living spirit of the planet which shows up one second before the movie ends to kill the humans with a bunch of large animals despite the entire preceding film being very clear that it does not do this.

The story

There is a mineral with a really stupid name that is worth a really stupid amount of money which is on a stupid planet full of stupid animals with stupid chemicals in the air that kill people. Some really stupid people decide the most stupid way to extract the stupid mineral is to send Earth's stupidest scientists to use stupid remote controlled bodies to tell the stupid locals to leave. They are backed up by an elite force of stupid marines in case anything stupid happens, but stupid things happen eight times an hour anyway and they decide to come up with a stupid plan to fix this. Stupidly.

Enter our hero, Semaj Noremac, whose brother hit his balls on the corner of a table and died of a broken heart or something like that. Sadly Semaj's legs are made entirely from liquorice and fail due to his service in Iraq not Iraq and he lives in Rick Deckard's cupboard in a case of futuristic sub-letting. However, soon stupidity enters his humdrum life as a group of very silly men arrive and tell him he can do something asinine for humanity by controlling his brother's giant blue cat-clone. Rather than doing the sensible thing and trying to have the blue-cat-man-creators arrested for treason and coming up with completely terrible ideas, he accepts and is immediately sent to Pandora via futuristic UPS eighth-class spacemail.

On Pandora he gets his marching orders from an implausibly angry scarred man named Miles Quidditch, who tells him to make the blue cat-abominations leave so stupid strip-mining can commence under their implausibly gigantic tree, making as many clumsy allusions to the Iraq war as the screenwriters think they can get away with. Semaj then starts controlling his new Avatar Fursona, apparently not worried about the whiff of cheetos and wank coming from his brother's cyber fursuit-pod. After a series of dull and / or pointless scenes he meets Pocahontas cat, who proceeds to hate him, making him realise he'll need to take a rag into the fursuit pod with him next time because it's so godawfully obvious where this is going. He learns the ways of the locals, such as fucking animals with his hair and whining, but notably fails to inform them of the one thing he was actually there to tell them.

Eventually, Minus Queerage gets fed up of his shit and deploys a bunch of tree-fucking hardware, taking everyone by surprise with his meanness despite that it was established more or less immediately that he was going to do this. Semaj is shocked, having just got his leg over, and the locals understandably feel betrayed because of the whole thing where he just betrayed them. They go to an even more sparkly and magic tree to sulk, while Semaj is unplugged and his usual levels of fail restored.

However, before the fursuit pod can be sent to Earth to be disinfected, Semaj and useless scientist sneak away with it, which somehow actually works. He finds a giant silly pterodactyl which was alluded to several times, specifically that anyone who rides it becomes Turok and can lead all the abomination tribes, who mysteriously all share this single nonsensical tradition. Semaj duly becomes Turok due to his skills at dinosaur hunting, but the mean humans have decided, for no good reason, to blow up the second tree as well, despite it having nothing to do with their original objective which they have just completed. This leads to a long, preposterous fight scene in which idiots with bows and arrows last a surprisingly long time against an airmobile force with rapid-fire cannons supported by extremely stupid robots. Eventually, however, Semaj is forced to call upon the power of bad writing to defeat the humans, whereupon the spirit of the planet sends swarms of wild animals to kill all the humans despite it being said repeatedly that it doesn't go in for that conflict shit, dawg.

Marston Quadrangle gets very angry at Semaj and locates his wanking lair by tracking the scent of Axe body spray and BO, and breaks the glass, exposing Semaj to the planet's poisonous atmosphere and the planet's poisonous atmosphere to Semaj's collection of odors, the latter being of more concern. However, Pocahontas cat arrives and fucks everything up by killing Milton Quarantine and saving her new boyfriend.

In the end everyone sends the mean humans home, while the good humans stay, apparently forgetting that they need the mean humans to send replacement parts and such for the machines that make them not fucking die from the poisonous atmosphere. Presumably they are all dead within a few weeks while Earth organises some suitable germ warfare / orbital bombardment to deal with the furry infestation.

The good ending

Things that rock

There are no intentional cases of things that rock, because this movie is shit. However, some things rock accidentally.

• Giant monsters that eat ten foot tall Na'vi warriors for breakfast.
• Large amounts of furries slaughtered like livestock.
• Colonel Miles Quaritch is a Hero of the Imperium who kills furries and doesn't afraid of anything.
• It made idiots want to kill themselves because Earth is like lame and stuff and humans are all mean. This may have decreased the global level of idiocy slightly if any of them went through with it.
• Hilarity and much trolling ensued as people went to otherkin boards and insisted they were truly Na'vi, leading to ridiculous threads where people stated that one cannot really be a fictional creature, which is totally unlike thinking you're a nine-dicked lazer space dragon.

Things that suck

Again, we stress this movie is shit. There are a lot of things wrong with it. Such things include:

• Another blatant James Cameron self-insert. Seriously, "Jack Carson?" "Jake Sullivan?" "James Cameron?" Who the fuck does he think he's fooling?
• Oh god not another "save the environment" story. This is Disney's Pocahontas and Kevin Costner's "Dances with Wolves" as performed by Blue Man Group.
• The mechs don't have gun arms!
• The Na'vi screw with their hair. They also stick their screwing hair into animals while they ride. By Slaanesh, yes, in addition to being furries, the Na'vi are also into bestiality.
• Every marine who isn't Semaj Noremac or his pilot is an evil, despicable, racist hick who only makes the situation worse as they serve CORPORATE GREED. It should be noted that it is not CORPORATE GREED to piss away half a billion dollars making a movie about your dumb fursona rather than, say, using it to feed poor people.
• Blue elves are better than humans? Fuck you, James Cameron, you xenos lover.
• Xenos love? That's EXTRA HERETICAL!
• Unforgivable lack of orbital bombardment or nukes or any semi-intelligent military tactics. You could spend a lot of fuel and manpower engaging the enemy in melee, or you could call in an artillery strike and dig the natural resources out later; it's a war crime either way, go big or go home.
• No tactical genius whatsoever.I mean, who charges a fucking gun line with cavalry armed with bows and arrows?
• All the vehicles appear to have been made by the Dark Eldar with their trademark wet cardboard armor plating, even high-tech gunships can't withstand the power of simple wooden arrows. This is due to BRILLIANT design such as thin, unarmoured glass canopies and huge, unshrouded engine fans. Seriously, these things are designed like videogame bosses. This is because of the ludicrously contrived scenario, which is essentially defined as "this planet prevents us using anything that would mean we'd easily win."
• Replace "blue alien" with "colored guy" shows how incredibly racist the movie is; see, only white people need things like written language and everyone else was happier before white man came along with his filthy civilisation (protip: you're supposed to not know that sophisicated non-Western societies have ever existed, and that even the most primitive human cultures would think of the Na'vi as backward, shit-chucking apes). Good thing the director's white self-insert is there to save the stupid primitive people by mastering their ancient traditions better than any of them can within a couple of months.
• The film insinuates that xenocide is bad. However, we all know what must be done with the horrid offshoots of space elves and furries.
• The unobtainable mineral that the marines want is called unobtainium. I dare you to come up with more retarded name.

The Fall of Pandora

"Spare us your pity, alien. You gush about your connection with nature, your primal wisdom, but what has it brought you?

"Where are your marvels of engineering? Your voyages of discovery? Your great insight into the nature of the universe? Even at our basest, when we dressed as you do, dwelt as you do, hunted as you do, lived as you do, we did more than merely survive. We built wonders. We made great journeys. We forged epics. You have not.

"You speak so proudly of the plugs dangling from your skulls, little realizing that they are but strings and you puppets. What little you have accomplished you attribute to the wisdom of your goddess, who is nothing but the voices of your dead echoing for all eternity. She moors you to the past, serving as a leash that keeps you as little better than apes, sad parodies of civilization that lack that special spark to become something more.

"We have come to your world in search of resources. Whether your actions drive us back or we take what we want and move on, the outcome is the same. We will depart from your wretched planet, leaving you behind. And in a thousand years, you will not have changed from this contact with another world. You will remain in your trees, hunting your prey, communing with your goddess, until your sun burns out and your world dies.

"And above your tomb, the stars will belong to us..."

-Unknown Space Marine of the Raptors chapter, "How The Movie Should Have Ended."

But wait, it's actually about World of Warcraft!

So sayeth whoever this is, anyway.

"After seeing this movie and staying up WAY too late a few nights, I realized the truth about this movie. Everything in this movie is a metaphor for real life and World of Warcraft... We have Jak. His brother died, he's crippled, he has no friends, and he's just moved to a new job, so he's pretty depressed. He doesn't like his new co-workers. They're massive nerds and well...he isn't. But they introduce him to their favorite game, World of Warcraft, and they all get trial accounts, knowing that the trial period is only 3 months. After that, if they don't pay, everything crumbles. So he joins, creating a Night Elf character alongside his co-workers. thrilled to find that he can do everything in the game that he couldn't do in real life. He has friends, he can walk again, and as he learns to play the game, he meets guildmates, earns a mount, and when leveled up enough, gets a flying mount. Yay! He even gets an online girlfriend! But you can see his decline in the real world. He starts out balancing the game and work, as you can see him submitting reports to his boss, doing presentations, ect. But soon, he stops excercising, getting in bad physical shape. He eventually stops showing up to meetings at work, so his bosses investigate. When their bosses find that they've been playing WoW at work instead of doing their job, they're all fired. While they're all leaving after being fired, their former supervisor, Quaritch, launches a lecture at them for wasting their lives in a video game (Represented as him firing off "wild gunshots" at them). The only one who takes it to heart is Ripley, and it slowly starts eating away at her. Since they can no longer play WoW at work, they all end up getting an apartment together in the middle of nowhere. His co-workers take pity on him since he's crippled, but even they notice his decline and even take pity on him, ignoring his lack of hygiene, forcing him to eat, and such. Eventually, their free subscriptions run out. This causes his real-world life to crumble around him, starting with one of his co-workers (Ripley) finally taking the advice the Supervisor gave in his lecture, quitting WoW, and getting a new job, realizing that it's time to move on and stop wasting her life. The guild tries to convince her to stay, but she's done with the game and deletes her character. This causes a schism between her and the two WoW players, so she ends up moving out and they both declare her "Dead" to them and to the entire guild. So Jak and his roomate pool together the last of their money to buy accounts and pay for internet service. The final part of the movie is Jak finally being able to unite several night-elf clans to start going on Raids together. However, the money is running out. Eventually, even his best friend tires of the raids and realizes that it's time to move on in life, so he quits WoW and leaves in the middle of a massive raid... In the end, he drives out the real world, fully escaping into his fantasy world of night elves...as he's shattered his real life to the point that he has nothing to go back to. Even when his former boss, fearing for his safety, finally tracks down his apartment, which he's now alone in, and tries to pull him away from his fantasy world, Jak lashes out at him And when Jak's online girlfriend lashes out at the boss to Jak, the boss realizes how far gone he is and finally leaves forever, becoming "Dead" to Jak just like his former friends... So the movie ends with Jak's real life being non-existant as he spends the last of his days with his guild as his physical self starves and wastes away in the cold lonelyness of his apartment in the wreckage of his former life. With all this in mind, the movie makes a hell of a lot more sense, including why the Na'vi and their world seems a helluva lot better than the "real" human world. And all the antagonistic attempts by his bosses, the "Marine Commander" and "Corporate executive", were actually attempts to get him to do his job and to stop wasting his life on a video game, which he sees as horrible, genocidal acts in his warped mind. Anyone who's not in the game is "Dead" to him. It's truly a sad tale and has a way better message, a warning about taking a game too seriously. The bizarre part is that the more you look at it this way, the better it works. Better than most of the hippy BS messages the movie is intending to throw at you, to say the least..."

The Pandora Incident

Simply put, One of the few good Warhammer crossover fanfictions and pretty much a more complete version of the above Writefaggotry. Though the aftermath is plainly obvious, The author manages to capture the feel and atmosphere of the Warhammer books. (not the ones by that Black Irish midget cyclops) But like most fanfiction is riddled with spelling and grammar errors. But such things are but minor gripes because the story gives a righteous ass-kicking on those damn furries without making the Imperium of Man seem invincible.

Link to glorious nega-heresy: [1]

The Terrible, Terrible Truth

As we all know, once something is successful it will be mined and raped to death by being sold all over again to the throbbing masses out there. What does that mean? Sequels, my friends. Oh yes, James Cameron is not done with his smurfs. Even worse, the man who plays the bad ass (though blatant rip off) colonel says he might come back as a clone! Fuck, seriously? He might have been speculating, but don't be surprised if it happens. Cameron also states that it might happen somewhere on Pandora underwater. Really? WTF? Whatever. The worst part is that people might commit suicide all over again for this bullshit. Just as planned.

Fun fact: I'm not sure if anyone remembers this, but a certain movie came out a month or two after Avatar. And a certain "visionary" director/producer was associated with it. Yeah, you guessed it. James Cameron did it again. Except I'm pretty sure he didn't do diddly squad. The movie I'm referring to is Sanctum and you know what? It apparently sucked. The only visionary aspect of it was the 3D. Oh wait! Avatar was re-released in 3D with extra scenes! OMG it was his plan all along to have a crappy movie made to test how popular 3D was. Maybe. Still it makes you wonder what the real deal behind the movie was. Was he planning on making billions more just by plastering his name on it? For fuck's sake, no one knew anything else about it other than its name and who was producing it. The actors? Who gives a shit. It was produced by James fucking Cameron! (sarcasm) And that's the fun tidbit you probably never knew.

Gallery

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  The first rough draft of the script.

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  One of the most iconic victories in the movie.

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  An up-close look at a Na'vi specimen.

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  The avatar creation program in progress.

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  Read this comic and you basically have seen the whole movie.

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  The whole movie, beginning to end.

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  A na'vi mating ritual in process.

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• For some reason, he doesn't realize the giant, growling monster 2 feet away from him.

  For some reason, he doesn't realize the giant, growling monster 2 feet away from him.

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  THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!

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  Unleash the furry!

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  The true hero of Avatar.

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  How the movie should have ended.

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  SUFFER NOT THE SMURF TO LIVE!!!

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  Truth

External link

http://www.pandorapedia.com/ -Fluff'n stuff

A creepy man reviews Avatar