WARMACHINE

WARNING

This page is about WARMACHINE, the MANLIEST most AGGRESSIVE GAME EVER. This AIN'T YOUR MOMMA'S WIKI! READ LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PAIR! And NOT a pair of EYES, A PAIR OF BALLS! A PAIR OF BALLS FOR EYES! Only the MANLIEST, most TESTOSTERONE-FILLED readers can do this subject JUSTICE. NO GIRLS ALLOWED! WARMACHINE is a THICK, SOLID JUGGERNAUGHT, too MASSIVE AND MEATY for anyone but the MANLIEST OF MEN to read. WARMACHINE isn't reinventing the WIKI, it's COVERING IT IN SPIKES and FORCING IT into the SOFT, YIELDING HOLES of your EYES. IF you can't take the POWER, GET OFF OF THE INTERNET! MERE ones and zeroes CANNOT CONTAIN THE PAIN! GET READY to READ FOR YOUR LIFE! You will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!

Warmachine

This is why we hate Warmachine.

A game by Privateer Press. Its main selling point is that all its models are made of pewter and players tend to go apeshit on anyone who converts them. Fans often claim that Warmachine models are cheaper than Warhammer ones, but in practice both GW and Privateer Press are ripping you off, so it doesn't really matter if they are. Players are encouraged to play the game as though they have a pair of steel plated testicles, which often results in them antagonizing other wargamers at Local Gaming Stores.

When privateer press were initially promoting Warmachine, they apparently caused some butthurt over at GenCon or some other venue because of a poster featuring a Warjack, a seductively posed woman and talk of balls.

Some of their Warjack miniatures are more ridiculous looking than even GW's, and are sometimes referred to as "topplenoughts" due to their top heavy appearance and superficial resemblance to Wahammer 40k dreadnoughts. Their infantry models are commonly regarded as being better designed than GW's plastics, however they still suffer from not having (Pauldrons) and the excessively massive and Grimdark Epicness of the 40k Universe.

Warmachine is based, along with Hordes, in the Iron Kingdoms, as featured in the 3e D&D Iron Kingdoms books. There are noticeable differences between the RP and wargame versions of the setting, in that one in four of the population in the Warmachine version is Eyriss, Mage Hunter, and most of the remaining humans, dwarves and else are dedicated to preventing her from shooting at warcasters.

Warmachine has only one real faction: Khador. Everyone else just moans about Khador winning the National Warmachine tournaments year after year. For those whining non-Khador fags there are several alternatives (which all suck due to not being Khador obviously): Cygnar, Cryx, Protectorate of Menoth, Retribution of Scyrah, and Mercenaries.

Factions

Warmachine has five factions (only one of them is real), and Mercenaries who pretend to be a faction.

Khador

Cries of "For the Motherland", red banners, gold stars, frigid bitches, and beardy berserkers personify Khador. They're a northern Imperial Russia/Soviet Union style nation bent on imperialist conquest. Khadoran army tends to be smaller than other armies and usually slower, but their infantry and jacks tend to be much tougher and deal more damage. Their jacks are potentially the most ridiculous looking (such as the "dancing" Behemoth) in the game, while their infantry and warcasters suffer from the Warhammer 40k pauldrons.

Cygnar

Cygnar is the most despised army in Warmachine. Cygnar is the ostensibly "good guys" nation of the Iron Kingdoms, and if it wasn't for its plot armor it would've been destroyed long ago. They're all about lightning, and Tesla coils, and brave heroes, and ethnic diversity (for example: "Siege" Brisbane). This army is for shootyfags who like to stay on a hill and shoot instead of charging the enemy like they got a pair. Surprisingly for a game that's supposed to be all about aggression, this lack of aggressive tactics on Cygnar's part often works extremely well. Perhaps that is why it attracts the majority of twelve year olds who play Warmachine.

Cryx

Steam-powered zombies, mutated demonic witches, rampaging insectile engines of destruction, and the "Just as planned" spellcasters signify Cryx. Their army is the fastest, cheapest, and largest on the table, and is for more advanced players. Cryx excels at assassinating enemy casters and utilizing "dirty" tactics, but is never quite good in a stand-up fight. Perhaps that's why cries of "cheater" echo more frequently whenever a Cryx army is on the table. Cryx jacks are also really difficult to assemble and tend to fall apart easily. While there is a great degree of diversity of Cryxian units and monsters in the fluff, in reality there's only Skarre, Bane Lord Tartarus, and two full units of Bane Knights. Think of them as Necrons.

Protectorate of Menoth

A bunch of desert-dwelling religious lunatics who hate Cygnar the most (who doesn't?) and everyone else just slightly less. Protectorate army is about setting up devastating combos, army synergy, and generally setting things on fire ("We put napalm on everything" can be their motto). Their jacks vie with Khador for being some of the most ridiculous looking and most fragile jacks in the game (see Avatar of Menoth for example), while much of their infantry and warcasters are inspired by 40k beaky marines (for example the Dark Angels), Grey Knights, and Lawrence of Arabia.

Retribution of Scyrah

As if this game needed another faction, Privateer Press released a new faction in 2009, the Retribution of Scyrah. They're apparently a bunch of elves who hate magic and want to save their dying god by killing every human who uses magic.

Mercenaries

Once upon a time Mercenaries were meant only as additions to the real factions, so that two armies of the same faction wouldn't be composed of exactly the same troops. Since then, whinyfag mercenary fans forced PP to make a number of mercenary "contracts" to allow them to play weaker armies filled with dirty hobos. There are five mercenary contracts: Four Star Syndicate (which pretty much means playing any kind of mercenary), Highborn Covenant (they're French), Magnus' Agenda (the only interesting Mercenary faction and also the smallest - you can't even play a 1,000 army with this contract), Searforge Commission (they're Dwarves and thus the only viable Mercenary contract), and Talion Charger (a bunch of pirates. Lots of pirates. How many pirates can you imagine? There are more than that. Also, Napolean). Rumors of another Mercenary contract or potentially a whole new faction have been confirmed - the Retribution of Scyrah. They are elves, so they'll probably suck and only survive because of plot armor. Half of Cygnarfags will likely quit Cygnar to play Retribution, to act out their Drizzt fantasies.

Getting into Warmachine

Are you nuts? You got spare cash? Just send it to me! Are you still here? OK, fine, go to: http://battlecollege.wikispaces.com/ for more information and advice on how to start an army, as well as the official site: http://www.privateerpress.com/WARMACHINE/default.php. Remember, I warned you, but you didn't listen, so don't come crawling back once you realize that you've invested your life savings into a lot of hard-to-put-together pewter and acrylic particles.

Also commonly known as Skubmachine.

How to instantly kill all their Warjacks

Spray them with water, they're all fucking steam powered, what the fuck did you think was their weakness?

Alternatively, you can kill their Warcaster. In a game where you've gotta play like you have balls of steel, make sure you keep your leader as far from combat as possible.