Battle for Dominus Pillowus

On a backwater Imperial planet. a Guardsman buys a Celestine Bodypillow from a passing Rogue Trader. Fearing reprise from an angry Commissar, he tattles on the Commissar's xenofucking habits to a Priest. Said priest turns out to be an undercover Inquisitor investigating Commissar Xenofucker. The Inquisitor begins a sting operation and the local Regiment splits between the loyalists and the Taufuckers. And then, well...

...shit hits the fan hard.

What started it all

Characters

This section includes all characters involved in this glorious clusterfuck.

Imperial Forces

Imperial Guard

• Commissar Xenofucker: Heretical xenofucker lusting after some Tau Goods. After he’s caught red-handed by the Xeno-hunting Inquisitor, he defects to the Tau with half the Regiment. While in combat against Imperial forces led by the Waifu Commander, he cums on top of the bodypillow, leading to his ascension to Daemon Prince of Slaanesh, and conversion of the whole planet into a Daemon World (until it's purged of it's taint by the Imperium). What’s even funnier is that he’s not even a Slaaneshi worshipper, he just wanted a quick wank but didn't hear the annoucement made by the Chaos Lord that promised ascension to daemonhood for the first person able to climax on top of the Body Pillow. Later had a moment of clarity and saved everyone's asses.

• Craig the Guardsman: A poor sod whose rare lasgun got stolen and sold to a rogue trader. Also got his helmet traded for a box of fruit by another guardsman named Russel. Executed for incompetence by Commissar Xenofucker.

• Saint Waifu Commander: Veteran Officer guardsman who served a month prior to the events that took place. Ascended to sainthood after successfully safeguarding the Holy Body Pillow of Celestine despite all odds and nearly getting BLAMMED by the Commissar Xenofucker. No one really remembers his name as Imperial forces just called him "the Waifu Commander" during the conflict. Has a crush on Celestine.

The ultimate bromance

• Sanctioned Psyker: Almost raped by a Daemonette. Currently failling horribly trying to refuse her advances whenever he dreams. Best friends with the Guardsman who was almost raped by an Eldar.

• Guardsman: Almost raped by an Eldar, until she did rape him. Now they're married. Is friends with the sanctioned psyker, who tried to protect him from the Eldar (but failed).

• Marcus: Good friend of WaifuCommander, is in the same training group as WaifuCommander and followed him before his ascension. Has a knack of attaching things to make "weapons" (e.g. affixing bayonets to bodypillows). Unfortunately died, but is now canonically next to the Emprah (as all humans should be), so all is good.

• Assortment of Kriegers: Capable of affixing bayonets at speeds high enough to break the sound barrier. Have an obsession with atoning and view not dying in battle as the worst possible outcome.

• Random Harmonica Guardsman: Former roommate of Saint Waifu Commnder. Blessed with a beatiful voice. Made an entire CRAFTWORLD cry. Yes, a craftworld as in the ship itself. Yes, the entire Craftworld also happened to be a Daemon Engine.

• Lord Solar Macharius: Imperial Warp entity in the shape of an Eagle. Gets his kicks by screeching "keikaku doori!" (TL note: keikaku means plan) at passing Imperial Navy ships and pretending to be a Greater Daemon of Tzeentch. Responsible for WaifuCommander's ascension to sainthood. Is now crusading with other Imperial Warp entities.

Space Marines

• Dark Angels Chapter:
  -Apothecary Penicillus of the Deathwing: Is friends with unnamed Ultramarine, whom he assisted in combat. Surprisingly magpie-like as he stole Freddie Mercury's music tracks in STC form from the Space Hulk. Both escaped from the Space Hulk using a Drop Pod. Is currently with the Ultramarines and making his way back to Dark Angel territory.
  -Interrogator Chaplain of the Deathwing: Mistook Celestein for Celestine. You can guess what happened next.

• Unnamed Ultramarine: Friends with Penicillus. Notably proficient in close-quarters-combat, as can be seen when he blended up so many orks that his armour was like that of a Blood Angel. Surprisingly un-smurflike, as he’s able to deviate from the Codex reasonably, rather than because all 'cool' marines do it.

• Minotaurs Chapter: Same teamkilling fucktards as always. Ordered by the High Lords to retrieve the holy artifact located on the planet.

• Blood Ravens Chapter: Arrived because of holy relics on the planet, ordered to 'secure' relics for the Chapter.

• The Deathwatch: Came equipped to deal with necrons, ended up facing OrkNids. Also ended up having to deal with daemons on the Craftworld. The results weren't pretty.

• Imperial Fists Chapter:
  -Lieutenant Augustus: Interrupted battle between Blood Ravens and Minotaurs by shouting "who was the heretic who started this". Unfortunately, he was mistaken for a Salamander. Managed to get Minotaurs and Blood Ravens to cooperate (for the time being).

Sisters of Battle

• Living Saint Celestein: Not to be confused with Saint Celestine. Is jealous of Celestine and is triggered when someone accidentally confuses her with Celestine. Which is unfortunately all the time.

• Living Saint Celestine: Not to be confused with Saint Celestein. Is a tsundere for Saint WaifuCommander, and will occasionally smile when he purges OrkNids, and on one occasion even made him lunch.

• Canoness Olivia III, Order of the August Vigil: Canoness of the entire sororitas order dropped onto the planet. Hot headed and extremely faithful. Has blonde hair and a bionic eye. Can drink Space Wolves under the table.

• Sister Lydia: Rhino Driver, reads PlayEmperor magazines in her downtime. Good friends with Canoness Olivia. Eventually, she gets her job as the Canoness' Designated Driver.

• Animal-loving Sister Hospitaller: Considered weird by the other sisters in her order for liking animals. Tended to Rapeseer's wounds and now works under a Magos Biologis. Last seen playing with Sea Slugs after voxing the Canoness to be mindful in preserving the local wildlife for "Research Purposes".

Mechanicus

• Enginseer Mike L33: Used an Basilisk on Daemon Prince Commissar Xenofucker. Dragged thousands of Eldar souls out from the Warp using the hook on the back of the aforementioned Basilisk, cucking Slaanesh by freeing thousands of Eldar souls. However, he has been cursed to start his sentences with words beginning with 'S' only. By his own request, he is still attached to the Imperial Guard and he considers life to be good.

• Magos Xenobiologis: Realised entire biosphere of planet was in fact devolved Tyranids. Now studying Orknids.

• Dominus Exitium: Imperator-Class Battle Titan responsible for the recovery of the Æonic Orb. Got smacked about by Orknids, but survived the battle.

• Archmagos Magnificus Apparatos: Responsible for the deployment of Titan legions on the planet as a means to both capture the Orb and to avoid an Exterminatus on the planet, which would destroy said Orb. Upon the recovery of the Orb, his cyberdong reached unlimited hardness comparable to ship-grade adamantium.

• Unnamed Knight House: Came to Antioch XLII to capture Celestine bodypillow for himself. Ended up getting his Knight blown up. Last seen hiding in his pod in rape-forest, with his serfs having crashed his ship into the planet for revenge for his (believed) death.

Inquisition

• Xeno Hunting Inquisitor: Puked in the back of a Rhino, responsible for outing the heretical commissar. Successfully purged Xenos, so he feels pretty great about himself.

• Ordo Malleus Inquisitor: Showed up late to the party, and when he found out about the Tau-Slaanesh-Daemon Engine-Craftworld, he left for the nearest Imperial Port to get drunk.

Rogue Traders

• Unnamed Rogue Trader: Sold a Celestine Bodypillow to WaifuCommander for Craig's lasgun, and sold a crate of fruit to Russel for Craig's helmet. When he found out shit had hit the fan hard, he hid until the clusterfuck has resolved itself before speeding away. He would unload his supply of Celestine Bodypillows at an Imperial Port so as to not be associated with whatever the fuck had gone down at Antioch XLII. Little does he know that those bodypillows would be quickly corrupted by Slaanesh and become highly popular with Chaotic nerds.

Xenos

Eldar

• Thirsty Farseer: Was infected by a disease made by Nurgle, who wanted to boost Eldar birthrates so as to make Isha happy. Tried to rape Guardsman, but Psykerbro kept her away. Untill she did rape him (he liked it). Now they are married.

• Silver-Iscariot Eldar: Died over and over again, eventually defecting to Imperial forces (probably because her craftworld was fucking obliterated and serving the EMPRAH is better than serving anybody). Was a titan at two points in time.

• Dark Eldar: Went raiding. Some of them took advantage of the vorefest between the Hive Fleet and the Daemon Engine Craftworld to get more suffering and ecstasy.

Tyranids? Orks? Orkanids!?

• Freeboota Kaptin Snikstabba 'F. Merkury' Goldteef: Ork Kaptin of the massive Freeboota spacehulk called Wuldkrumpa. Entered the battle after he brought the space hulk out of the Warp to go "bug huntin" and noticed the, quote, "GORK-ZOGGING YUGE BATTLE" and launched his boyz (along with a bunch of 'WAAAGH-crazed' genestealers) down to the planet. Has a massive collection of ancient terran music in STC-format that can be blasted so loud it can be heard through space. Uses a kustom "noize kannon" that's hooked up to the hulk's music system. Looks like a giant green version of Freddie Mercury.

• Freeboota Gitsmacka: Self-described "jeanstealer krumpin' spessulist". Only Freeboota contacted by Planetary Hivemind through a couple of possessed genestealers. Kills first one out of reflex, and in the second one, he misunderstands the explanation about Norn-Queen to be instead a discussion about the band Queen before killing said second genestealer. Proceeds to spend the rest of his time planetside in the boardin' rokkit-turned-rokkit-trukk he came down in attacking/generally tormenting Necrons, particularly Necron Lord I.

• Freeboota Flyboy Wazrukk: Boardin' Rokkit flyboy "Extraordinaire". Pilot/Driver of Ork Boardin' Rokkit/Rokkit-Trukk.

• Freeboota 'Mad' Mekboy Razzafing: The Mekboy responsible for turning the Boardin' Rokkit(s) into a (occasionally supersonic) "Rokkit-Trukk".

• Dok Guzzgut: Mad Ork responsible for OrkNids, made enough of them to affect the hivemind with the WAAAGH field. Was a tank once, then a Dominatrix. Is currently busy floating through space in the hivemind.

• Hivefleet

• Planetary Hivemind

• Rapevines: Vines that were at first a defense mechanism used by the "Forest" to repel Necrons cutting their way through via restrainment. But then some Slaaneshi Flayed Ones start using them in ways similar to hentai, this then corrupts the vines with Slaaneshi warp fuckery and causes them to yearn for the penetration of those who come across it.

• The "Forest:" Is really just devolved Tyranids, which local Imperials found out just a little too late.

• Orknid hybrids: Exactly as horrifying as you’d think they are, made worse by the fact that some are corrupted by Slaanesh. Responsible for the fact that the wildlife of the planet only screams. They are differentiated by colour: red ones go fast, yellow are dakka, purples are sneaky, pink ones like to murderrape and black ones are masochistic in the extreme (liked to be likes to be hit, BDSM etc, does not fight back).

Necrons

• Necron Lord I: Notable victim of the Rape-Vines. Terribly traumatised by the experience. Then had his shiny metal ass shot off by Wazrukk because his ass was scratching the Rokkit-trukk's windshield.

• Necron Lord II: Originally a Necron Warrior, got mistaken for a Lord by a group of Flayed Ones after being horribly dismembered. Extremelly pleased with his current position and equipment. Wants the pillow so he can sleep.

• Unnamed Destroyer Lord: An old sleepy bugger. Woke up due to the fighting on the surface, and decided to just release all monoliths he had in hand, along with some megaliths and even an Æonic Orb. Has a massive love for necron Scarabs and sleeps on a blanket comprised fully of them.

• Æonic Orb: Originally forgotten by even the Necrons themselves, became one of the central players in this clusterfuck. Currently under research by the Mechanicum.

• Flayed Ones: The Flayed Ones were driven further into madness by their curse (and probably the body pillow they were told to get) as they started to make body pillows out of the bodies of their foes. Eventually, the curse started to spread from Necron to Necron, even infecting the Spyders and Scarabs. Later on, some Flayed Ones became corrupted by the forces of Chaos by turning to either Nurgle or Slaanesh, the ones who followed Nurgle simply hung out with the Nurglings while those of Slaanesh started using the Rape Vines for sexual pleasure and probably robot-fucked each other as well. After a while, the Necron Lord ordered for all the Flayed Ones to be killed. Those who were not killed either escaped into the rape forest or the warp.

Tau

• Ethereal: Ended up becoming a Commissar-like figure for defecting Guard troops, behaving in ways such as BLAMMING anyone who dared to call her Commissar. Gained Imperial habit of over-reinforcing planets.

• Tau Diplothot: Used to be the one who seduced Commsar Xenofucker. Ended up being corrupted by Slaanesh, and thought it might be a nice idea to fuck a Krieger. Instead she disgised herself as one, made one of them fall in love with her and was murderraped by a Tyranid while he was made to watch. Is very happy about that.

• Slaneshtau Leader Por'o: Originally a Water caste diplomat tasked with the mission of turning the planet to the Greater Good by using her army of Diplothots to seduce key individuals. Also ended up becoming corrupted by Slaanesh after trying to pick up diplomatic relations with a cult, although with much direr results. Was not to last, and shortly lost daemonhood by turning into the Craftworld. After the Eldar ship was destroyed, tried to possess the pillow but got kicked out by Saint Celestine(Stein), but not before engaging in a hours long Slaanesh-type wrestling match on the surface of the pillow. Currently a Daemonette after she convinced Commisar Xenofucker that she was his T'au waifu. He "saved" her soul from being purged by the saints she became a Daemonette. Now working her way back up Slaanesh's ranks.

Chaos Forces

Slaaneshi

• Daemonette: Developed a hug fetish. Has a crush on Psykerbro. Keeps chatting with him through dreams. Is now friends with the former Por'o.

• Chaos Lord Vögeln: Chaos Lord of the "Alluring Ostriches" warband. Failed in his mission by Slaanesh him/her/itself to cum on the Celestine Bodypillow, and was turned into Chaos Spawn for his failure. Wait no-AAASJEHDUBEUJSIJSJ

Nurglite

• Typhus: Called by Nurgle to try and capture the bodypillow in order to make Isha happy. Seeing the clusterfuck, he decides 'fuck this' and only participates in minor skirmishes in order to appear as if he's trying.

• Plague Marines: Same as Typhus.

• Nurglings: Probably one of the few "people" having fun in this mess, mainly by goofing around and trying to help (read: annoy) everyone nearby.

Khornate

• Berzerkers: Came to the battlefield just for the sake of fighting. Tried to reclaim the Pillow as an artifact for Khorne after it was outfitted with bayonets and used to murder an expecially giant ork. Got distracted by the arrival of the Slaaneshi Warband, and proceeded to completely anihhilate their plans by trapping them in the ensuing melee

Tzeentchian

• Sorcerer Ceicacu Toori: Apparently planned the whole damn thing as a joke, and broke two ribs laughing when he found out things had gone to plan.

Reactions to the Battle for Dominus Pillowus

What people think of the clusterfuck.

Imperium of Man

• Emperor of Mankind: Feels great that he got a new saint...even if he ascended because of a bodypillow. Made fun of Tzeentch by thanking him for the new Shrine World.

• Roboute Guilliman: Despite his Superior Primarch Processeing Power, he cannot comprehend how the fuck a situation as retarded as this came to be.

• Random Administratum Clerk: Screencapped everything.

• 170-years-old Ecclesiarchy Priest: Was originally ecstatic that three, THREE FUCKING SAINTS had manifested, mistakenly believing that Antioch XLII must be a Paradise World. When he got there, however, the Daemon Engine Craftworld Moon, screaming forests of orknids, a fucking dominatrix-tank hybrid gives him a heart attack. It gets worse when he’s told the planet used to be a Daemon World. Only then does he realise why the fuck 3 saints had to take care of the situation. Gives up his position when he’s told one of the Saints ascended because of a fucking bodypillow to restart as an acolyte.

Chaos

• Tzeentch:

• Slaanesh:

• Khorne: As usual, he is pissed as fuck because there’s now another GODDAMN SHRINE WORLD, FUCK, but happy that blood flowed a lot from this battle. Still pissed at Tzeentch (who is blamed for this shit) and at Slaanesh (who took up the focus of the Battle).

• Nurgle:

Ork/Tyranid/Orknid

• Gork...Or was it Mork?:

The Holy Pillow Wars

On the Imperial Agri-World of Antioch XLII, while a lone guardsman tries to trade some unfortunate sod's rare lasgun for a limited edition real body-hair Saint Celestine bodypillow (he suceeds) the commissar of the regiment tries to turn the regiment over to the Tau, after being given the taste of an Water Caste diplomat's "Greater Goods". The commissar then calls support from his Tau allies hoping to elliminate any of those still loyal to the emperor, after he discovers he was found out by an undercover inquisitor posing as a priest, with henchmen acting as guardsmen in the Regiment. Unfortunatly for Commissar Xenofucker, his Tau buddies soon become corrupted by chaos after trying to incorparate the concept of the Greater Good onto the local Slaaneshi cult's religion. Hillarity Ensues. Now being trapped in a Three-Way civil war between the loyalist forces, Chaos, and the remaining not murder-rape happy Tau and Gue-la, Saint Waifu's Commander realizes his nickname by trying to rally the local Imperial forces in a desperate bid to protect his Waifu Pillow. It works. Due to all the fighting, Antioch XLII reveals it's true nature as a necron tomb world, as all the fighting in the surface manages to wake up the local Necron forces. While all this is happening, some Eldar hear a rumor that Mon'Keigh males have bigger genitals, which cause great turmoil as the craftworld was infected by Nurgle with a disease that gives Eldar an extreme urge to reproduce, hoping to make Isha happy by increasing the Eldar's birth rate. This causes the craftworld to arrive in the sector hoping to acquire some sweet mon'keigh penises for themselves. Another Genestealer infected Craftworld arrives so the first one can hopefully help them out, sadly they are being chased by a hivefleet. Meanwhile, some Orks hear about a massive scrap happening in a 'umie world, and decide to take a look. Realizing the growing scale of this fuckfest, some reasonable sod contacts the Deathwatch of the xenos forces currently on the planet. The Deathwatch ascertain that out of the forces currently on the field, the Necrons and Tau are the primary threats and proceed to carry mainly anti-armor equipment. Not like this could bite them in the ass aftwards...

It was about at that time when the first Tyranid forces from the Hivefleet chasing the Genestealer infested Craftworld started arriving. The tyranid forces then proceed to try and NOM'NOM everything in sight, which leads them to ending up fighting the Orks. After one of his boyz got beheaded, Mad Dok Guzzgut gets an idea, and proceeds to attach the still screaming head of the poor git onto a nearby tyranid corpse, that then proceeds to charge everything that doesn't look like a Nid or an Ork. Unfortunatly for the other's involved, the sick fuck get's a taste for this kind of surgery, and proceeds to create some sort of horrifying factory where he and some trained boyz capture and fuse nearby ork and tyranid groups into horrifying abominations that would make a Haemonculi proud

See Also

Stercus Ludicrum: An similar case of massive clusterfuck in 42nd Millenium

Gallery

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  Notice the added bayonets

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  No god managed a proper reaction. Except the Tyranid Hivemind,as it has developed some new interests.

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  The wonderfull apple trees native to Dominus Pillowus.

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  Even the great Spiritual Liege has no idea on how to react to this mess