Warhammer Fantasy Battle

Imagine Warhammer 40K Now take away the villain sues, the incompetence, the faggotry that is the Ultramarines and the profane writings of Matt Ward. There you go, Warhammer 40K 1st Edition. Except Warhammer was there before 40k. It still has demons, all the demons in 40k, but here instead of boltguns and chainswords humanity has to fight them with swords and muskets. Somehow, they still manage to take down Bloodthirsters. I think we can all agree the average human in Warhammer Fantasy is much more hardcore than 40k.

Some could argue it requires more tactical skill from the player; this is probably because it's not as widely discussed and not being played by 13-year-olds. Seriously, anyone out there who's getting tired of playing kids at 40k get yourself into Warhammer and you'll probably never have to play against one of those little snot-nosed Space Marine players ever again. If you are reading this and you are a snot-nosed 13 year old, go away and play with your faggoty Space Marines. Fantasy is for grown-ups. Come back when you can grow facial hair and own more than two painted models!

It is a well known fact that FB is a much more manly universe than 40K, mostly because fewer 13-year-olds play it, and it's got many more dead hard beardy Vikings killing each other and raping and pillaging.

In A World Of War

Warhammer is about peasants living in shit, dying in shit and the thousands of perils that befall them. Often covered in shit. It is not a fun place to be, though there are worse. Your average soldier of the Empire is armed with a sword, a musket and fuck-all armor. He is now expected to go toe-to-toe with a daemon. Or a 9-foot-tall daemonically enhanced steel/daemon/*insert Chaotic thing* metal clad super Viking. Or a giant lizardman. Or a rat person armed with a flame thrower. Or a half man/half goat eight foot tall killing machine. Or...let's just say nothing nice ever came out of the Chaos Waste. The good thing for humanity though is unlike 40k, here the various factions and races have enough sense to set aside their differences to avoid total annihilation. Once the threat of being turned into some daemons bitch passes, then they get back to smacking the living shit out of each other.

Background

Warhammer is pretty much Renaissance Europe, only much worse. If you know your history, you'll know that that is saying something. Nearly everything has some kind of historical analogy, at least within the human nations. Its a shit place to live. War is everywhere.

The Empire, the main human nation, is a lot like the Holy Roman Empire, with VERY VERY angry German & Spanish people, but with steam tanks and magic thrown in. Along with pissed off ratmen called Skaven plotting to blow it up and demons trying to eat everyone. It is ruled by an Emperor (who is considerably less awesome than the EMPRAH), who is elected from amongst the ranks of the Elector Counts. They are for all intents and purposes, the "good" guys.

The first Emperor was a guy named Sigmar. He was fucking hardcore. Its theorized he's one of the lost primarch-sons of the Emprah, which makes sense in a lot of different ways, first and foremost him arriving in a spaceship. He made friends with the dwarfs and pulled a Grimnir, and was never heard from again. For some reason, he also became a god, however the more reasonable conclusion is that he's dead and Ulric handles the prayers of the Sigmarite priests. Sigmar is much better than Warhammer 40K's un-manly rotting cadaver because he is basically Thor + Jesus = Awesome.

The current one is a guy named Karl Franz. He's pretty awesome too, he actually has a political and militaristic stance and he DOES STUFF (as opposed to rotting in a broken gilded sofa). Rides a giant griffin (no, a griffon, not same shit) that eats people [and the one fucking dragon in the entire damn empire, also eats people]. Not a fool to be messed with.

The Emperor has to put up with a lot of bullshit: Vampires, Daemons, Orcs, Skaven, Mummies, Beastmen, Elves and other humans. If you can think of it, the Empire has gone to war with it at least once. Its even gone to war with itself a couple of times. It manages to keep from falling apart, and somehow got around to finding an ally in the dwarves. The dwarves are pretty fucking cliche, but that comes later.

The other major human realm is Brettonia. Knights, chivalry, all that King Arthur bullshit, with the addition of worshiping baby-eating forest spirits. The peasants in Brettonia somehow have it worse than the peasants in the Empire. Its pretty much medieval France, only worse. If you know your history, you know that's saying something. They have a lot of knights, the lowest of which are Knight Errants, then Realm Knights, then Questing Knights and finally Grail Knights. Peasants are almost completely useless, except as archers or cannon fodder. They're more French than they are English though...

Other human nations, which are too far off/non-white to warrant an army book include Araby, Ind, Nippon, Cathay, Kislev, Tilea and Estalia. Yeah, they put a lot of fucking imagination into that.

Then you've got your elves. They come in three flavors: High, Dark, and Wood.

High Elves used to be cool, they liked to party and were into magically fueled orgies. Until they ripped open a hole in magic. Cue Chaos. Then they became dicks, and started trying to conquer the world. They didn't get far. Mostly because a civil war broke out between the fun loving elves, and the militaristic elves.

The fun loving elves became the Dark Elves, and turned into a pack of dicks. The militaristic elves became High Elves, and turned into a pack of dicks.

The colonials said fuck you to the High Elves, took to the forests of the rest of the world and became Wood Elves, and turned into a pack of dicks. They live in the forests of Brettonia and eat babies. In short, elves are dicks.

Don't say it to their faces though. They are hard though, and its pretty much impossible to live down getting your ass handed to you by a skinny, effeminate man who comes to the fight wearing a dress. Trust me, I know.

Enough about the elves! Dwarves!

They're fucking cliche, which means they're still better than elves. They've also got a few added twists. Gyrocopters and death cults. There is nothing that isn't improved through the addition of flying machines and death cults. The dwarves have zero magic. Magic fucks up when they're around, and everyone uses magic but them. They compensate for their lack of magic by building giant fucking machines instead. flamethrowers, helicopters, organ guns. They build them smaller but they build them better. There are also evil dwarves called Chaos Dwarves. They used to be an interesting and unique faction that resembled an even more grimdark ancient Babylon, their corrupting magic slowly turning their evil sorcerers to stone (dorfs ain't meant to magic it up). Nowadays they're just normal dwarves dressed in black.

Their favorite pastimes are building things and fighting.

Chaos: Daemons, Beastmen, Guys insecure about the lengths of their dicks and badass Grimdark Vikings who make up the bulk of the ever present 'Marauding armies of Chaos' (badass); all give their allegiance to Chaos. It's got the classic four gods. Slaanesh, Khorne, Nurgle, and Tzeentch. They operate the same as in 40k, but without the sci-fi and twice the mutations.

Lizardmen. The arch-enemies of Chaos. Genetically engineered by aliens/gods, they were designed to destroy Chaos. They live in the jungle and are heavily based off the Aztecs, Mayans and Incas. If that offends you, you're playing the wrong game. They have the most powerful wizards and one of the most powerful fighting units. Some could argue that they're broken in the extreme. They can just fuck right off 'cause Lizardmen are awesome. And no furry shit here. They're as ugly and unappealing as real lizard people would be. They are ruled by grotesque, fat toad creatures called Slann. Most of whom are dead.

Vampire Counts. They're fucking vampires, do I need to draw you a fucking picture? There's your Dracula-style Vampires (Von Carsteins), Psycho Lesbian Vampires (Lahmians), Nosferatu (Strigoi), Magic-style (Necrarch), and Vlad the Impaler-style (Blood Dragons) [SIDENOTE: Current Ed. Bloodlines are out, but conceptually it lives on in "Bloodline Powers" available to your vampire, the only difference is that you can integrate different styles of badassery, as if they weren't already ungodly fucking killing ma-fucking-chines]. All of them can raise undead, and use zombies and shit as troops. They also use ghouls, which technically aren't undead. Just crazy skinless cannibals [Undead in current ed.] and bats are EVERYWHERE. Creepy as all fuck. No Anne Rice, Angel bullshit though, these guys are fucking evil. And they're not about to save you from being hit by a car to creep into your room at night, no, they're most likely the one driving the car into you.

Tomb Kings. Egyptian mummies! With Anubis warriors! And BONE SCORPIONS!

Skaven. Technologically advanced rat people. Again, no furry shit here. These guys are ugly, fucking foul creatures who keep their women folk locked away for the sole purpose of breeding. They're a species composed of mad scientists, ninja-like assassins, and bio-terrorists. And puns, fuckton of puns come with these guys, they love their puns. They made a nuke once, but it failed to detonate. Most of their schemes (they love scheming!) involved taking down the Empire and conquering the world. They're like Pinky and the Brain, but with flame throwers and no arsing about on the subject. Also, WEAPONIZED HAMSTER WHEELS.

Orcs and Goblins - You've all seen 40k. Much the same, except here the goblins can fight back. Now add trolls and giants and occasionally ogres into the mix as well. HAHA! DISREGARD THAT LAST PART, GOBLINS ARE JUST AS USELESS HERE AS 40K! Well, except for a stronger presence.

The Ogre Kingdoms - Massive Eastern barbarians who will do any work for gold and eat anything. A pack of fat, greedy bastards. They ride large beasts resembling mammoths and saber-tooth tigers. They think with their stomachs, which shows how fucking intelligent they are. Heck, they worship a giant, fuck-off sky mouth. Ogres are often considered to be a "neutral" army and can end up fighting for any side since they hire themselves out as mercenaries.

Tabletop

Gameplay

Warhammer is a tabletop wargame where two or more players compete against each other with "armies" of 20 mm - 50 mm heroic scale miniatures. Games may be played on any appropriate surface, although the standard is a 6 ft by 4 ft tabletop decorated with model scenery in scale with the miniatures. If your Games Workshop bitch-boy and have no imagination of your own you will buy the ridiculously overpriced Citadel Realm of Battle tabletop and have a scenery collection made of boring plastic pieces bought entirely from GW, but REAL players make their own gaming tables (saving a fuck-ton of money in the process). Games Workshop used to encourage this until they sold their souls for money.

Gameplay follows a turn structure in which one player completes all movement for troops, then simulates casting spells (when spell-using units are available), uses all ranged or missile weapons in the army such as bows and handguns, then any units touching fight in melee or close-combat. After finishing, the second player does the same. The winner is often determined by victory points; earning a number equal to the value of enemy units killed. Special objectives can add or subtract from this total based on predefined goals, usually holding parts of the battlefield or killing powerful units (such as the enemy general).

Magic

Perhaps the thing that separates Warhammer Fantasy from 40k, aside from the obvious, the most is the use of magic. Each army (with the exception of the dwarves) has at least one unit that can use magic, often in the form of an independent wizard. When magic units are present on the battlefield, they're given their own turn separate from the shooting, moving and melee phases to cast their spells. There are several kinds of magic but most magicians are able to use only a single form.

• Dark Magic, used by Dark Elves, Beastmen, and sorcerers of Chaos.
• High Magic, used by the Slann and the High Elves.
• Nehekharan Incantations, Used exclusively by Tomb King Liche Priests and High Liche Priests (and Settra)
• Light: Wind of Hysh, Lore of Light
• Gold: Wind of Chamon, Lore of Metal and Alchemy
• Jade: Wind of Ghyran, Lore of Life
• Celestial: Wind of Azyr, Lore of the Heavens
• Grey: Wind of Ulgu, Lore of Shadows
• Amethyst: Wind of Shysh, Lore of Death
• Bright: Wind of Aqshy. Lore of Fire. Basically the ammunition of the Fire obsessed psychopaths known as the Bright Wizards.
• Daemon magic: Used by... well, daemons. Broken into three categories - one for each of the gods that give a shit about lasers - Slaaneshi [Indulgent, relies on enemy Ld], Nurglite [decay, revolves around enemy S/T scores], and Tzeentchian [OMG FIRES] Khorne is too awesome for magic, he'd much rather crush skulls with his bare thighs.
• Amber: Wind of Ghur, Lore of Beasts. Basically a Radagast rip off.
• Necromancy: used exclusively by Vampires and Necromancers
• Warpstone: used exclusively by the Grey Seers of the Skaven.
• Maw magic: used exclusively by the Ogre Butchers.
• Waaagh magic: used exclusively by Orcs and Goblins. Has a very high chance of making the user's head asplode.
• Ice: Used exclusively by the Tzar of Russi- er, Kislev.

Magic is powerful, very powerful. A lone unit can wipe out half the opposing army with the right spell at the right time. Magic can also misfire, badly. This adds an element of unpredictability to its use, making it much more dangerous to the user and therefore, much less broken.

Significant Personage Of Warhammer

• Settra the Imperishable: Greatest of the Tomb Kings. Fights upon a pimped out chariot and casts like a Liche High Priest.
• Khalida. Freaky mummy-chick blessed with the powers of a snake.
• Sigmar Haldenhammer: First Emperor of the Empire. Now a God.
• Teclis: Mage of the High Elves.
• Tyrion: Teclis' warrior twin brother.
• Volkmar the Grim: Grand Theogonist of the Empire. Quite a stern faced fellow.
• Gotrek & Felix: Adventuring duo, have a lot of books based on them. Gotrek begrudgingly tolerates Felix travelling with him because he needs someone to pen the mighty tale of his epic doom.
• Karl Franz: Current Emperor.
• Kurt Helborg: Captain of the Reiksguard.
• Luthor Huss: Crazy ass preacher.
• Valten: Reincarnation of Sigmar. Got ganked by a Skaven.
• Lady of the Lake: Creepy cannibal spirit of Brettonia. A fine piece of ass regardless of diet.
• Katarin the Ice Queen: Tzarin of Kislev.
• Mannfred Von Carstein: Vampire Lord.
• Thorgrimm Grudgebearer: Dwarf High King, very angry, very angry indeed.
• Josef Bugman: Dwarf brewer
• Grimgor Ironhide: Orc Warlord, one of the most powerful warriors in the setting. Got his ass handed to him once by Archaon's standard bearer, Vardek CROM!!! Grimgor swore to prove he was the best in any case and did it in the manner described below.
• Snikch: Skaven ninja-assassin.
• Thanquol: Skaven grey seer and archenemy of Gotrek.
• Archaon: Lord of the End Time, the Ever Chosen and most powerful warrior in the setting. Beat all four of the greatest Champions of the Empire in single fight during the Storms of Chaos Campaign and then was beaten when Grimgor ran up to him while he was tired and headbutted him in the groin, then ran away yelling "Grimgor iz da bezt!!!"
• Venerable Lord Kroak: Slann Mage Lord, most powerful crapass fat useless toad magician in the setting. Can't even move by himself. Also, he is made of awesome awesome fat fa/tg/uy guts and more awesome magic, he is fucking death and he CAN FUCK UP A FUCKING CITY.
• Aekold Hellbrass: Pathetic excuse for a Tzeentchian Champion.
• Balthasar Gelt: Empire Wizard, looks like Dr. Doom.
• Grom the Paunch: Former Goblin Warlord.
• Green Knight: Brettonian Holy Warrior.
• Khazrak The One-Eye: The most cunning Beastman. Loves messing with Todbringer.
• Gorthor the Beastlord: An Everchosen. Whipped up on the Empire for awhile before dying.
• Morghur, Master of Skulls: A creature so close to Chaos that stuff he touches becomes Spawns.
• Konrad Von Carstien: Bat-Shit crazy vampire Lord. Just snapped one day and wandered off into a forest muttering to himself, where he was promptly tackled by a dwarf and stabbed in the heart with the Elector Count of Ostland's Runefang
• Orion: Consort King of the Wood Elves.
• Nagash: Supreme Lord and Creator of the Undead.
• Arbaal the Undefeated: All mighty Champion of Khorne. Another one of the greatest warriors in the setting. Obviously, being a favored champion of the Ultimate God of War. Was with Asavar Kul when Praag was destroyed, fled the battle after he died at Russia, likely to assume Khorne ain't very happy with him. Also destroyed the gates of Praag with a single strike from his sword. (badass) Angron probably got his inspiration from this guy.
• Asavar Kul: Greatest Champion of Chaos. Greatest warrior in the setting. Almost destroyed the Empire. 'Nuff said.
• Magnus the Pious: Greatest Emperor since Sigmar.
• Vardek CROM!: Archaon's standard bearer and King of the tribe of Asavar Kul.Was man handled by Archaon once and beat Grimgor once.
• Malus Darkblade: The Starscream of Warhammer.
• Malekith: Lord of the Dark Elves; master of Dark Magic, uses a shield that can asplode your brain from a distance, and rides a giant-ass black dragon. Still lives with his mom.