Warhammer Fantasy Battle

Imagine Warhammer 40,000. Now, eliminate the contradicting canon, the mustache-twirling villains, Mary Sues, the incompetent villains, and the faggotry that is the Ultramarines. There you go, Warhammer 40,000 1st Edition. Good ol' Rogue Trader. Only we're not talking about 40k. Nope, Warhammer Fantasy Battle was there long before 40k. It still has Daemons (in fact, it has all the same Daemons and Chaos gods as 40k) but, instead of boltguns and chainswords, humanity has to fight them with swords and muskets (if the humans in question are even that lucky). Somehow, they still manage to take down Bloodthirsters. There's many theories as to why this is possible. The simplest is that Fantasy is the place where MEN are MEN, and ELVES are MEN, and DWARFS are MEN-MEN, and unlike the sissies in the future mustaches practically (and sometimes literally) grow on trees here. More plausible is the fact that magic is far more manipulable than psychic energy in 40k, and the entire world is constantly saturated in it to the point that giant skulls are natural formations in rock, flora sometimes grows eyeballs and genitals, and fucking nobody stays dead, and the whole planet is some part of the Old Ones' last-minute emergency anti-Chaos plan (as the Lizardmen Army Book implies), so Daemons can enter the material world easier but are also a lot weaker there.

It's also got many more dead-hard, beardy Vikings killing, raping, and pillaging.

As for actual tabletop performance, some argue WHFB requires more tactical skill from the player; however, this is probably because it's not as widely discussed and isn't usually played by attractive and normal people 13-year-olds. The game certainly does require more memorization (or reference at least) of rules, although listbuilding factors in less than actual field tactics in comparison to 40k. Psychology is a major factor in Fantasy as few battles (barring Undead on Undead slapfests or Daemon infighting) will progress without something fleeing or even disintegrating due to a failed Leadership roll. Fantasy puts more models on the field, but most of them are rank and file redshirts. Perhaps most blessedly, Fantasy lacks the $400+ models 40k does. If you want an Apocalypse level battle, you bring a fucking sea of 1 hit point soldiers lead by one single model so fucking badass that Kenshiro bows in respect as it passes him. Magic is a big deal in the game, and has it's own phase during each turn. Other than gentlemanly games between you and your opponent, you ARE taking a spellcaster even if their only job is to fuck up the enemy's magic phase (some armies in fact require a spellcaster in the army, both of them Undead armies requiring someone to keep the corpse feet-plodding). Models may gain positive effects, or more likely negative ones during the battle so notes may need to be taken beyond just Victory Points. You have to know the ins and outs of your troops, and you'd be better served knowing your enemy's rulebook as well since things don't change much in their roles in the battle. Planning is everything, but ultimately the field of battle is chaotic and thus you'll need to be able to adapt to win (Nurgle and Tzeentch enjoy the gameplay aspect of Fantasy in different ways).

As far as models go, Fantasy is a bit liberated. With no rules requiring measuring from a gun, or an exact model footprint, you instead rely on the plastic base as an indicator of who you're fighting and if you can be hit. This means that the only requirement is to have a little plastic square or rectangle base in the correct size. What is actually ON that base doesn't matter, unless you play at a GW shop in which case the only requirement is that they made whatever is on that base. Want to play one faction, but you only own another? So long as your opponent isn't a dick you can just use your army as the army you want to play now. If that weren't enough, unlike in 40k where some things are hard set in the canon (the Ecclesiarchy is dead-against all non-human races and is douchey to all factions, Tyranids are always mindless, Chaos Gods are the enemy of all non-Chaos groups unless that non-Chaos group is corrupted, and so forth) Fantasy has it literally stated in the rulebooks that it's a big world (same basic geography as ours, but scaled up to a ridiculous size of a planet) and thus there's plenty of unexplored places where anything is possible. So when you field your first army as your second, you can provide a legitimate fluff explanation (Vampire Dwarfs, Lawful Good Chaos Gods, redneck Elves, Undead who are not soulless killing machines but instead have simply had their invitation to your opponent's army to a Wednesday teatime rejected for the last fucking time, and so on). Unit fillers are a popular option for people making a new army in Fantasy, which may appeal to 40k fans. Instead of buying 60+ foot soldiers for the army of your choice, you can buy some extra bases and glue them together (for example a 3 by 2 grouping of 6 bases) then put something on top of them (a balsa-wood cart, an army specific thing like a hole in the ground that appears to be where the Skaven are coming out from or a statue of a hero for Empire) and stick it in the middle of the group. Boom, instantly you have to buy 6 less troops. As for those "GW-made at GW shops" rules? Clip sprues, make a fence, glue it to a base. Voila, instant unit filler. Really troll GW by gluing a mass of saran wrap from one of your kits with the price tag on it to a base, then call it a magical energy field. Tear up shreds of the box and glue it to the blank base as "basing material". The possibilities are endless. Fantasy models DO have to fit close together unlike 40k models, so they tend to be a bit less wild with poses (some see this as a plus). Big models tend to have a lot of detail, and almost no armies share models so there's quite a bit of variation on the field. Also there's generally less spikes everywhere, actual exposed breasts on some models, and FAR more skulls (Khorne and Slaanesh both approve!).

Those guys who made the Total War games have said that they'll make computer games based on it. Feel free to have a nerdgasm. Also, canonically, the world of Warhammer is called the Warhammer World.

TL;DR: 40K is this in a sci-fi setting.

In A World Of War

Warhammer is about peasants living in shit, dying in shit, and the thousands of perils that befall them. Which are often covered in shit. It is not a fun place to be, though there are worse. Your average soldier of the Empire is armed with a sword, a musket, and maybe a uniform which comes with a cheap piece of armor that couldn't stop an untipped arrow. Thusly equipped, he is expected to go toe-to-toe with a Daemon. Or a 9-foot-tall daemonically enhanced steel/daemon/*insert Chaotic thing* metal clad super Viking. Or a giant, many of which prefer to stuff opponents down their pants or boil you/mash you/stick you in a stew. Or a battle-trained whatsit-a-saurus. Or a rat-man armed with a flame thrower and a machine gun. Or a half man/half goat eight-foot-tall killing and raping machine. Or... well, let's just say nothing nice ever comes out of the Chaos Wastes. The one good thing for humanity is that the various factions and races have enough sense to set aside their differences to avoid total annihilation, and succeed at this with stunning regularity. Of course, once the threat of turning into some Daemon's bitch passes, the various races get right back to smacking the living shit out of each other.

Setting

Warhammer is, in most places, set in a period reminiscent early Renaissance Europe (compared to 40k which is stuck in Dark Ages Europe), only much, much worse. If you know anything about history, you'll know that's saying something. Nearly everything has some kind of historical analogy, at least within the human nations. Everywhere is a shit place to live for one reason or another.

The Empire

The Empire is the main human nation, which is a lot like the Holy Roman Empire. It's mostly made up of very angry Germans wielding swords, muskets, and bibles. However, it also adds steam tanks and magic. It is ruled by a mortal Emperor (who is succeeded upon death, meaning there's no need for a corrupt council to do anything more than annoy him). He is elected from amongst the ranks of the Elector Counts, who govern the different provinces of the Empire and wield badass swords called Runefangs which represent their office (when a Runefang is lost, there's one less member of the council). They are the closest WHFB has to a "main character" faction. All good-aligned races usually converge around the Empire when shit hits the fan, and all Chaos-aligned races make a beeline praying for Slaanesh to guide their cocks into an un-lubed Jerry's hole.

Major differences between the Empire and Imperium are that Undeath in all forms is heresy, magic (the settings equivalent to psychic power) is kept a watch on but is somewhat accepted thanks to the High Elves helping them establish magical colleges to teach psykers wizards a basic understanding of how to use their gift without manifesting Daemons every five minutes, xenos are awesome and you deserve a medal for spreading the seed of mankind into one, worshiping gods other than Sigmar (hell, worshiping anything at all) is okay as long as that god in question doesn't own property in the Warp, the Inquisition relies on riots as a means of rooting out Chaos rather than a symptom of it and are generally less cruel and more successful than their 40k counterparts, Sisters of Sigmar are volunteer Chaos-fighters instead of an army proper, and as long as you can shovel coal or hold a spear you might not go hungry.

The first Emperor was a guy named Sigmar. He was fucking hardcore. It is commonly theorized by neckbeards he's one of the lost primarch-sons of the Emprah, although Sigmar was actually physically born instead of crashing in a spess ship and it's been confirmed in the past that the two games are entirely separate universes (other than Chaos, which somehow defies that by spitting out a reference to 40k from time to time). After becoming the head of his tribe, he made friends with the Dwarfs by saving their king by killing greenskins (all before he became an adult even). After that, the Dwarfs and Germans hung out a lot which resulted in Germans getting all the same advances Dwarfs make and pushing it even further because Dwarfs reserved about new things. Sigmar then brought the Polish and some Russians into his clan, and founded The Empire. Sigmar got involved in a war down in Egypt's analogue in the setting, Nehekhara, against the Undead which resulted in Sigmar making the decision that if he were ever being kept alive artificially he wanted the plug pulled. Eventually, Sigmar got bored with politics and pulled a Leman Russ, heading eastwards to fight some new beasties...and was promptly never heard from again. For some reason, people began worshiping him as a god and now he is the main god in the Empire. However, the more reasonable conclusion is that he's long dead and Ulric, the number two god of the Empire and the god that Sigmar worshiped in life, handles the prayers of the Sigmarite priests. Unlike the God-Emperor of Mankind, Sigmar has managed to allegedly reincarnate himself to save his people when Chaos comes a-knocking. Ultramarine neckbeards speculate that he may, in fact be almost as awesome as his 40K counterpart, because he is basically Thor + Jesus = Awesome. Also, his warhammer, Ghal-Maraz, is THE warhammmer that both Fantasy and 40K are named for. Which, you must admit, makes Sigmar pretty damn significant.

The current Emprah is a guy named Karl Franz. He's pretty awesome too, he actually has a political and militaristic stance and he gets shit done. He rides a giant fucking griffon that eats people and owns the one fucking dragon in the entire damn Empire that doesn't act like a taxi for some batshit insane wizard. It also eats people. He's got a fancy suit of ornate gilded armor, cool bling, and a hammer (again, THE Warhammer). Not a fool to be messed with. The Emperor has to put up with a lot of bullshit: Vampires, Daemons, Orcs, Skaven, Mummies, Beastmen, Elves, and other Humans. If you can think of it, the Empire has gone to war with it at least once. Its even gone to war with itself a couple of times almost every time that the Emprah seat becames vacant. Its continued success in managing to keep from falling apart is as much of a mystery as Dwarfs finding the Humans of The Empire to be worthy of respect (maybe because Games Workshop has a hard-on for Imperialism. Ironic, since the company originated from Britain). The Dwarfs themselves are pretty fucking cliche, but that comes later.

Bretonnia

The other major "good" Human realm. Knights, chivalry, all that King Arthur bullshit, all while being Frenchmen, with the addition of worshiping baby-eating forest spirits (they don't know that though!). The peasants in Bretonnia somehow have it worse than the peasants in the Empire since at least a peasant in The Empire has held a piece of currency at some point in their life. Its pretty much medieval France, only worse-- and these are the guys that invented the guillotine! They have a lot of knights, the lowest of which are Knight Errants, then Realm Knights, then Questing Knights and finally Grail Knights. Peasants are almost completely useless, except as archers or cannon fodder, except for the peasants that are, in fact, carrying a dead knight. But, since they're more French than they are English, this does kinda make sense... Bretonnian culture is based on High Elf culture, since the Franks hid from marauding Daemons while the world was in it's very first apocalypse scenario within the ruins of High Elf colonies, and flipping through ancient tomes Elf childrens books depicting High Elf Silver Helms (AKA elfknights) killing Orcs and saving princesses inspired them to put on a cosplay that never ended. Bretonnians used to be on the verge of conquering The Empire in older editions of the game, but that plot was dropped when The Empire was put front and center as the posterboys of the game (Games Workshop seems to have a hard-on for imperialism; ironic considering they come from England). 40k fans may be able to relate. Bretonnian nobles are bred from superior stock from the rest of the Human race, and are attractive even by Elf standards. Completion of their training and their missions allows them to further enhance themselves with magic, making their bodies resistant to poison and mutation and all around tougher. Their faith is so powerful they're literally able to will bullets into being less damaging to them than arrows, and to perform reality-defying feats simply because they think they can. For all of you neglecting faggots, it's still Bretonnia, not Brettonia.

Bretonnia is one of the more neglected armies in the game, once again proving the tradition that any faction that makes frequent use of the Fleur-de-lis is on GW's back burner.

Other human nations, which are too far off/non-white to warrant an army book include Araby (Middle East) which has enslaved Genies and thanks to the Skaven fights almost non-stop with Bretonnians, Ind (India) which has Beastmen and Daemons who live like uncorrupted mortals, Nippon (Japan) which taught Skaven how to be ninjas and otherwise is so reclusive we know nothing about them), Cathay (China) which has magical robot terracotta warriors and non-Chaos spellcasters who are actively steal power directly from the Chaos Gods all of which serve their supreme dragon Emprah, Kislev (Poland and Russia) which has Humans that assemble against Khornate Daemonhosts that outnumber them 100-1 all while standing barefoot in the snow armed only with rocks AND FUCKING WIN THE BATTLE in the name of their ice-mage Tzarinah, Tilea (Italy/Greece) which is a large number of kingdoms that ally with other civilizations in the world like an army of mercenaries that can range from Warforged to Greek Hoplites using flying machines, Estalia (Spain) which produces Conquistadors and the world's supply of murderhobos, and Albion which is the British Isles back in Celtic days where tribal shamans and intelligent rock giants protect High Elf waystones and Old One artifacts from just about every faction in the game. So, yeah... paying token tribute to minorities and other cultures with generic names and generic treatments is something that transcends all planes of existence. But it's still more creative than 40k's million odd flavors of Guardsmen.

Then you've got your elves. They come in three flavors: High, Dark, and Wood.

High Elves

The "good guys" of WHFB. Although as a group they're dickish in the extreme like you'd expect, the main things you need to know are basically how they're NOT Eldar.

Eldar created a Chaos God and let Chaos into the universe by being hedonistic fucks. They try to do everything themselves because they trust no other faction.

High Elves defeated the first Chaos invasion into the world (unknown to themselves, with distant magical help from the Lizardmen) and every invasion since. They single-handedly keep the world from being swallowed into the Warp and all the good factions respect them for it (even if that's the ONLY thing Dwarfs respect about them).

High Elves are ethnically divided into ten major groups by region. Some are such pricks who treat even other Elves like Eldar treat the Mon'keigh, some are fatalistic jackasses with the personality of a secret service agent, some are revenge-obsessed sociopaths who make the Inquisition look like Lawful Good Paladins. Some are nutty professors wizards, some are hippies murderhobo Bards who are willing to make love AND war as the situation requires, and some look at Humans like white boys in the suburbs look at gangbangers in the inner city. In addition, High Elves have districts within major trade cities in all the good factions.

High Elves would rather walk willingly into Slaanesh's open mouth than do anything beneficial to a Dark Elf. When they die, High Elves are first nabbed by their patron god if said god liked them enough. Next, they can corpse-run to a Waystone (giant magical structures set up all over the world by their race to weaken Chaos and keep Daemons from manifesting) where they get to chill and manifest semi-solid bodies (which they will usually use to pick off troops from any evil races that wander by). Then, there's an evil goddess who got punished by Asuryan for trying to rape him while he was asleep and gets back at his rejection by taking High Elf souls (she doesn't care about any other Elf subraces) to torture like it's Christian hell. Final thing that can happen is Slaanesh manages to snatch them from the material plane and either eats them or turns them into Daemonettes (yes, in Fantasy he still does this).

Eldar can't enjoy themselves too much. Even enjoying a nice meal or masturbating puts their soul in danger, and they can hear Slaanesh's voice in their head.

Ulthuan is like paradise (for the most part, there's Chaos corrupted areas and random encounter tables of course) and elves will fuck, sing and enjoy the splendors of life without fear of taint. High Elves have to willingly turn to Chaos (although the more indulgent they are, the more likely they WILL turn). The Cult of Pleasure, Slaanesh's Elf cult, takes root like Chaos cults in the Imperium and have to be purged by the High Elf Inquisition who are kung fu Elves in light armor who have swords as tall as their body but don't look weaboo.

Eldar are all powerful psykers, although humanity has potential to make stronger psykers than the average Eldar.

High Elves are constantly bathed in magical energy, more so than the rest of the world, but you have to actually LEARN to be a psyker wizard. Since High Elves have public education and being a wizard is a great job, there's more Elf wizards than human ones (in fact, the fact you have to LEARN to be a wizard means that the only humans who can come close to badass Elf Loremasters are prodigies of Mary Sue proportions). Of course, one of the 10 High Elf ethnic groups have the old fashioned "every Elf is also a level 1 wizard" feature, but that's just them. What's worth noting is that Fantasy has 2 "God Emperor of Mankind" figures. The first, Sigmar who has the look and feel down. The second, the Everqueen of the High Elves and the hereditary ruler that co-rules with her democratically elected male counterpart, is a being of IMMENSE magical power who's soul is made up of the combined souls of all her mothers leading back to the first Everqueen. Chaos is afraid of her (read that again: Chaos Gods in 40k see the God Emprah as their greatest enemy and an equal. They're afraid of the Everqueen), and she can cleanse anything the Chaos Gods can corrupt with her only weakness being sadness saps her energy (you do NOT want to piss her off though) and the fact she's mortal and her daughter has to be protected.

Eldar have a multitude of different styles of combat and war, and a multitude of different philosophies related to them.

High Elves have 3 basic types of badass warriors: priest with giant axe who's not afraid of you, guy with giant axe who wrestles giant monsters then goes for an ale, and Witch Hunter with a giant sword.

Eldar are forced to call increasing numbers of their own to war.

High Elves are, to the very last, soldiers. Every poet is also a Spearmanelf, every baker is also a wizard, and every secretary loads giant bolt throwers. They passed the point of desperation tens of thousands of years ago.

Eldar will sacrifice a hundred human worlds to save one of their own.

High Elves are CONSTANTLY saving everyone else. From sending half their navy to defend The Empire from raiders, to the Everqueen leading a thousand troops to a shrine to fight Chaos beasties and protect the world from extraplanar invasion every year.

So yeah. Eldar - fail = High Elves.

Dark Elves

Similar to Dark Eldar, but interestingly Dark Elves manage to maintain the awesomeness and jack it up to a new level while still at the same time being made of the kind of fail you'd expect from a fantasy Dark Elf race. How do they do this you might ask? Dark Eldar are in it for the joy of raping, while at the same time being just as terrified of Slaanesh as the rest of the Eldar and using the misery of their victims to protect themselves, Dark Elves JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Their entire culture is built around "if you died, you were too fucking weak/stupid to stay alive". They have no protections for their souls because none of them admit they could die because that would mean admitting you are possibly less awesome than you tell everyone you are. When Dark Elves die, they go straight to Slaanesh. Which is okay, because DARK ELVES FUCKING WORSHIP SLAANESH. Their queen, Morathi? Slaanesh's high priestess. She's also been fucking her son since he was old enough to have his hips move by themselves. Oh, and that son? Grew up to fuck up the world almost as bad as Daemons did the first time they invaded the material plane, and is the settings resident Darth Vader/Sauron/Lich King/Darkseid/Doctor Doom etc. Oh, and that son/mother couple have been plotting to kill each other and take over control of the Dark Elves for thousands of years, with each gambit resulting in mass Dark Elf casualties and a "kiss and make up" moment from the two. Morathi is the single oldest living being in the setting, and it's all because she bathes in Daemonette jizz (literally, Dark Elves like to summon Daemonettes to parties, with said parties having low survival rates) and the blood of newborns (fun fact: each year her followers have a ten day holiday called "Death Night" where they just rampage through Dark Elf cities and kill whoever they want, unless said person can buy their lives in double digit amounts of slaves). The Dark Elves raid the entire fucking world, constantly. They're the pirates that piss everyone off. They've managed to steal a Slann by lobotomizing it, then they turned it into fireworks (massive Dark Elf casualties). They plan safaris into the Chaos Wastes to shoot Norsemen and bring them home to be stuffed and turned into trophies.

How can Dark Elves do all this, and not suffer the whole "dying race" thing the High Elves (who still have the fertility goddess on their side) do? Simple: they are. They just don't give a fuck. No reason to bitch and piss and moan about your civilization dying, just condense the cities into bigger metropolises. More participants in Daemonette orgies! But somehow, Dark Elves DO manage to replenish their population pretty good. Every time they attack High Elves or The Empire they suffer MASSIVE casualties in comparison to their enemies, and still go back to full strength in a few months. It's possible that Dark Elves have truly discovered the secret to asexual reproduction, becoming one true gender either with or without breasts and proving what we've been saying for years about their kind. Or maybe they're using Slaanesh to open portals to 40k and raid Dark Eldar for slaves. WHO KNOWS!

On to an even crazier group of elves!

Wood Elves

The residents of the High Elf colonies in the Old World, around the area of the Black Forest analogue, who said fuck you to the High Elves and their draft back when Dark Elves first started the big never-ending civil war, then took to the forests of the rest of the world and became Wood Elves. They then turned into a pack of insane dicks. The Spiritual Liege considers the Wood Elves his favorite group, and thus despite the fact they are THE most neglected army in the game their update is coming (and since "Ward Save" did the previous two Elf Army Books and did the surprisingly well to the point of even including badass females in the army again, this surprisingly bodes very well for the Asrai fans).

So that forest is Athel Loren. Athel Loren is, in theory, the bastion of life and anti-Chaos in the world. In practice, is a giant forest that plays by it's own rules and is fucking expanding to the point it's theoretically possible it can overtake the rest of the world. A forest full of unmentionable terrors of all shapes and sizes who will FUCKING VIOLATE YOU AND EAT YOU. But they're not evil. They're made that way/too dumb to understand alignment/a natural force of destruction, not a malicious one. So they're horrible and evil but their actual alignment is nicely True Neutral.

The actual elves live in the forests of Bretonnia, smoke weed and have /ss/ and /ll/ and /sm/ with kidnapped Bretonnian noble children no they really hunt humans like animals using giant hunting dogs every summer when their king awakens from his winter sleep. They also manipulate the Bretonnian nobles into becoming more superior elf-like humans by dressing up like a goddess and appearing before ones that are badass but still easy to control and giving them geneseed cider to drink. Some do random shit like decide to hold impromptu celebrations and plays because of a smell on the wind and re-enact battles that may or may not have actually happened but with actual killing. So they are literally holding their entrails in with their hands while giggling and teasing the dead, dying, and still up and killing for forgetting their lines and how sexy they look in that pose because they're fucking crazy like that. Seriously, Wood Elves are fucking scary.

For some context: Alarielle, the Everqueen of the High Elves, is the God Emprahss of Elfkind. Chaos Gods are scared of her, she can look Slaanesh in the eye and cause Slaanesh to blink. Alarielle is fucking scared of the Wood Elves, and notices that her Wood Elf counterpart, Ariel, is changing into something far more feral than the world has ever known and that the rest of the Asrai are too. The Wood Elves rewrote the High Elf pantheon to suite their new forest-worshiping lifestyle. While details in full will come out in the Wood Elf Army Book, for now we know that Isha is now a being of vengeance and Asuryan is a minor god as far as they're concerned. They've also added several gods to the pantheon, and dropped others.

But that's just the Wood Elves. The rest of the "Wood Elves" army? Treekin. Not Treebeard who will tell you a story while he smooshes Orcs, not Old Man Willow who hates you and will put you to sleep forever, and not the kind of Dryads who get raped by Satyrs but actually enjoy it because that's how Greeks think. No, these are like Hills Have Eyes tree people. Some of them march to war with the Wood Elves because they recognize kindred spirits. Some rampage against all non-tree life in the forest. Some of them are so batshit insane that they attack everything, constantly in giant tree battles where the splinters grow into new Dryads and Treekin who then jump straight into the fray like hard-skinned Orks. That ain't Chaos corruption either, it's their natural state. Regardless of sanity, ALL Athel Loren Treekin are infested with angry chittering forest spirits that will eat you like flying pirahnas. They also decorate themselves with entrails and skeletons like a decorator crab.

Oh, and the leader of these insane fucking scary tree people? Drycha. Insane forest goddess who's the heart of Athel Loren, and unlike what you'd think killing her doesn't kill the forest. It pisses it off and REALLY pisses HER off when she reincarnates. Drycha is crazy, by any standards of crazy. She's a giant tree woman with acorn nipples that dribble syrup. She's perhaps one of the most terrifying beings in the setting, and that's saying a lot. Luckily, she's mostly against the Wood Elves since she thinks they're the ones responsible for everything going wrong with the world (Get out of my swamp you kids!). Athel Loren doesn't expand naturally though. It's suddenly appeared on islands in the sea. When you wander into those forests looking for coconuts, you suddenly find yourself in the midst of a forest from hell somewhere around Alsace-Lorraine, with Drycha and a hundred or so Dryads decorated in greenskin, Dwarf, Elf, and Human bodies all staring down at you.

tl:dr Wood Elves living in Athel Loren which is between Bretonnia and The Empire, which is both alive, and akin to a forest in Soviet Russia - where forest cuts down you! The Elves are crazy insane rapists, and the tree people are fucking xenomorphs.

Dwarfs

They're fucking cliche, but still awesome. They've also got a few added twists. Gyrocopters and death cults. There is nothing that isn't improved through the addition of flying machines and death cults. The dwarfs have zero magic. No, scratch that, they have even less than zero magic. It tends to fuck up when they're around, and everyone can use magic but them. Not that this stopped Dwarfs though. They just grabbed magic by the balls and hammered it into runic items. Because they're stubborn like that. As a result, Dwarfs have the best magic items bar none. They also compensate for their lack of magic by building giant fucking machines instead. Flamethrowers, helicopters, organ guns, and pretty much any other variant of carnage that can be moshed together with enough steam, alcohol, and gunpowder. They build them smaller but they build them better, and they're all fueled by alcohol.

There are also evil dwarfs called Chaos Dwarves. They used to be an interesting and unique faction that resembled an even more grimdark ancient Babylon, their corrupting magic slowly turning their evil sorcerers to stone (dorfs ain't meant to magic it up). Then they became like normal dwarfs, but dressed in black. Then Forge World made them back into their first, awesome thing again - half-Baylonian, half-stripped down industrialist assholes a la Isengard.

Their favorite pastimes are drinkin', fightin' and wearing silly hats for no adequately explained reason

Chaos

The original Servants of the Dark Gods. Beardy, berserking Vikings clad in Unholy Chaos Plate and blessed with the Marks of the Chaos Gods personify this faction, and basically granted Warhammer Fantasy it's popularity. Joining them are Daemons of Chaos, who, unlike in 40K, are completely scared shitless of the Mortal Servants and serve no other purpose than to be bound within weapons and given to the Norse Heroes. Which is totally badass. And unlike a certain armless failure, they have actually managed to get shit done. Much in the way of Angron. Joining the dead-hard Vikings of Chaos are the Beastmen, who're basically furries in service to Chaos. Except, unlike regular furries, they're fucking grotesque, mutated scarred and utterly evil beings (sounds like furries to me) that grind people to bits with FUCKBIG club/axes. From AMBUSH! Cultists in the Empire; who are either revolutionaries, closeted heretics or bored nobles, and occasionally Chaos Dwarves. These guys are at an ungodly level of badass and are the premier melee oriented army of Warhammer Fantasy. Even better than the Greenskins.

Lizardmen

The arch-enemies of Chaos. Genetically engineered by aliens/gods, they were designed to destroy Chaos. They live in the jungle and are heavily based off the Aztecs, Mayans and Incas. If that offends you, you're playing the wrong game. They have the most powerful wizards and one of the most powerful fighting units. Some could argue that they're broken in the extreme. They can just fuck right off 'cause Lizardmen are awesome. And no furry shit here. They're as ugly and unappealing as real lizard people would be. They are ruled by grotesque, fat toad creatures called Slann. Most of whom are dead. Not 'undead', just dead. And some how still active. They are also Dinosaur men that rides Dinosaurs such as T-rexes and Ceratopsians, who would of guess.

Vampire Counts

They're fucking vampires, do I need to draw you a fucking picture? There's your Dracula-style Vampires (Von Carsteins), Psycho Lesbian Vampires (Lahmians), Nosferatu (Strigoi), Magic-style (Necrarch), and Vlad the Impaler-style (Blood Dragons) [SIDENOTE: Current Ed. Bloodlines are out, but conceptually it lives on in "Bloodline Powers" available to your vampire, the only difference is that you can integrate different styles of badassery, as if they weren't already ungodly fucking killing ma-fucking-chines]. All of them can raise hordes of undead, and use zombies and shit as troops. They also use ghouls, which technically aren't undead. Or are they, now? Oh, and wraiths and banshees. And nigh-indestructible Black/Blood knights that kill with a fucking mean look/rip guts out and force-feed them to original owners. Also, bats are EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE, and not the kind that scare you when you open the closet, then fly of into the night - think piranhas with wings and a fucking attitude. Creepy as all fuck. No Anne Rice, Angel bullshit, these guys are fucking evil. And they're not about to save you from being hit by a car to creep into your room at night, no, they're most likely the one driving the car into you.

So, our conclusion is that Vampire Counts are fucking badass.

Tomb Kings

Egyptian mummies! With Anubis warriors! And BONE SCORPIONS! In conclusion. MUTHA FUCKEN SKULL CATAPULTS! Also Khopesh. Plus they ride around on GIANT STONE LOLCATS that breath fire and crush stuff. Don't forget the giant GOD STATUES that shoot DEATH LASERS from their eyes.

Skaven

Technologically advanced rat people. Again, no furry shit here. These guys are ugly, fucking foul creatures who keep their women folk, otherwise known as "their bloated, scab-ridden brood-mares" locked away for the sole purpose of mass-reproducing thousands upon thousands of future vermin-men. The leaders of the species are a motley bunch, composed of batshit crazy scientists, ninja-like assassins, and bio-terrorists. Everything else is either slave cannon fodder or a mutant abomination. They love their hordes almost as much as they love their broken tech. And puns, fuckton of puns come with these guys, they love their puns. They're all addicted to warpstone, which is basically halfway between dark magic and cocaine. They made a nuke once, but it failed to detonate. Most of their schemes (they love scheming!) involved taking down the Empire and conquering the world. They're like Pinky and the Brain, but with flame throwers, tesla coils, thousands of minions, and no arsing about on the subject. Also, WEAPONIZED HAMSTER WHEELS.

Orcs and Goblins

You've all seen the Orks and Gretchin of Warhammer 40,000. Orcs and Goblins are much the same, except here the goblins can fight back -- or perhaps we should say that the Orks are much the same as the Orcs, since it was the Orcs who came first. Now add trolls and giants and occasionally ogres into the mix as well. Except here they have Night Goblin Fanatics popping out of the ranks, which could cause your deathstar unit to panic off the table if it wasn't for the cavalry driving them out first. Because you took light cavalry, right?

Ogre Kingdoms

FUCKHUEG sumo wrestler-types with katanas, frying pans strapped to their gullets and a mean streak as big as their enormously fat asses. Will eat ANYTHING, including the chef, the table, the plates and the fucking bundle of forks. They ride large beasts resembling mammoths and saber-tooth tigers. They think with their stomachs, which shows how fucking intelligent they are, plus their shaman-cooks use a very specific "gut magic", that mostly consists of shoving all kinds of inedible stuff down their own throats. And each and every one of the fuckers is obsessed with stuffing his face full 'o your innards. Heck, they even worship a giant, fuck-off sky mouth. Ogres are often considered to be a "neutral" army and can end up fighting for any side since they hire themselves out as mercenaries to whoever can pay them in piles of food.

Tabletop

Gameplay

Warhammer is a tabletop wargame where two or more players compete against each other with "armies" of 20 mm - 50 mm heroic scale miniatures. Games may be played on any appropriate surface, although the standard is a 6 ft by 4 ft tabletop decorated with model scenery in scale with the miniatures. If you're Games Workshop's bitch-boy and have no imagination of your own you will buy the ridiculously overpriced Citadel Realm of Battle tabletop and have a scenery collection made of boring plastic pieces bought entirely from GW, but REAL players make their own gaming tables (saving a fuck-ton of money in the process). Games Workshop used to encourage this until they sold their souls for money.

Gameplay follows a turn structure in which one player completes all movement for troops, then simulates casting spells (when spell-using units are available), uses all ranged or missile weapons in the army such as bows and handguns, then any units touching fight in melee or close-combat. After finishing, the second player does the same. The winner is often determined by victory points; earning a number equal to the value of enemy units killed. Special objectives can add or subtract from this total based on predefined goals, usually holding parts of the battlefield or killing powerful units (such as the enemy general).

Magic

Perhaps the thing that separates Warhammer Fantasy from 40k the most, aside from the obvious, is the use of magic. Each army (with the exception of the dwarves) has at least one unit that can use magic, often in the form of an independent wizard. When magic units are present on the battlefield, they're given their own turn separate from the shooting, moving and melee phases to cast their spells. There are several kinds of magic but most magicians are able to use only a single form.

• Dark Magic, used by Dark Elves, Beastmen, and sorcerers of Chaos.
• High Magic, used by the Slann and the High Elves.
• Nehekharan Incantations, Used exclusively by Tomb Kings Liche Priests and High Liche Priests (and Settra)
• Light: Wind of Hysh, Lore of Light. Basically healing and shit, plus doing extra damage to daemons and undead.
• Gold: Wind of Chamon, Lore of Metal and Alchemy. Basically armour buffs and debuffs, with their offensive spells doing more damage the higher your armour save is. Problem, Knights?
• Jade: Wind of Ghyran, Lore of Life. Basically lots and lots of buffs, making your own units harder to kill. They look like hippies, but don't tell them that, they'll fucking murder you.
• Celestial: Wind of Azyr, Lore of the Heavens. Lets people tell the future and stuff, plus they can summon lightning and meteorites that really hurt flying units.
• Grey: Wind of Ulgu, Lore of Shadows. Basically misdirection and illusions, relying on Leadership tests. They can also teleport every time they use a spell.
• Amethyst: Wind of Shysh, Lore of Death. Basically the Lore of Fire, except more killy and shorter-ranged.
• Bright: Wind of Aqshy. Lore of Fire. Basically the ammunition of the Fire obsessed psychopaths known as the Bright Wizards.
• Amber: Wind of Ghur, Lore of Beasts. Basically a Radagast rip off. WHO IS RADAGAST?!?!? RTFM!!!
• Daemon Magic: Used by... well, daemons. Broken into three categories - one for each of the gods that give a shit about lasers - Slaaneshi [Indulgent, relies on enemy Ld], Nurglite [decay, revolves around enemy S/T scores], and Tzeentchian [OMG FIRES]. Khorne is too awesome for magic; he'd much rather crush skulls with his bare thighs and anything less makes you dangerously unmanly and at the absolute least bicurious.
• Necromancy: Used exclusively by Vampires and Necromancers, as the name "Lore of the Vampires" would suggest.
• Spells of Plague and Ruin: used exclusively by the Grey Seers of the Skaven.
• Gut Magic: Also known as the Lore of the Great Maw. Used exclusively by the Ogre Butchers.
• Waaagh Magic: Used exclusively by Orcs and Goblins. Comes in Big and Little flavors. Has a very high chance of making the user's head asplode.
• Athel Loren Magic: Used exclusively by Wood Elves. Moves forests, or move folks through forests.
• Ice/Winter Magic: Used exclusively by the Tzar of Russi- er, Kislev. GW released a set of spells for it, that can be used by any army and get bonuses or penalties based on whether your models have snow on the bases and what the weather outside is like.
• Lizard Magic: Used by lizardmen, it has only one spell, called "Fuck you, I'm an Aztec dinosaur, therefore awesome."
• Hashut Magic: Used exclusively by the Chaos Dwarfs, the Lore of Hashut consists primarily of buffing spells that work well with the ungodly amount of flaming weaponry that the Chaos Dwarfs have access to.

Warhammer Magic is powerful, very powerful. A lone unit can wipe out half the opposing army with the right spell at the right time. Magic can also misfire, badly. This adds an element of unpredictability to its use, making it much more dangerous to the user and therefore, much less broken.

GW also recently released an expansion to WFB with a bigger focus on magic, called Storm of Magic. Which turns magic from regular broken into DOUBLE TRIPLE BROKEN, but misfiring will fuck your mage up in 12 different ways, and then Khorne will throw giant brass kull at him/her.

Significant Personage Of Warhammer

• Sigmar Heldenhammer: Born some random tribesman, Conan Sigmar united the squabbling human tribes in what would become known as the Empire and killed a ton of Orcs. saved some random ass dwarf After this, the Dwarf High King gifted him Ghal Maraz, a super-duper powerful warhammer also the dwarfs helped him defend Black Fire Pass from a massive WAAAGH! . He was the first Emperor of the Empire, but he got bored and disappeared on a journey to find something interesting to do. The Empire canonized him as a god, and today the Church of Sigmar is the largest and most powerful faith in the Empire (although only one among many). Some believe him to be one of the missing Primarchs, given how badass he was, but this has been disputed by newer fluff detailing his birth and family life.
• Karl Franz: This guy is the current Emperor of the Empire. He owns Ghal Maraz now, as well as the biggest motherfucking Hippogryph Gryphon, named DEATHCLAW, who he rides while assraping bitches who try to invade Imperial soil. And he has a fucking dragon.
• Magnus the Pious: Greatest Emperor since Sigmar. Also one of the few who wasn't morally bankrupt.
• Volkmar the Grim: Grand Theogonist of the Empire. Quite a stern faced fellow; he was once chained up to a daemonic standard by Be'Lakor, but simply broke himself off, murdered the daemons surrounding him, and marched through the Chaos wastes to get back to the Empire. This has since been retconned. Not according to Chris Wraight's Sword of Vengeance.
• Gotrek & Felix: Adventuring duo, have a lot of books based on them. Gotrek is a dwarf Slayer who is terrible at his job, because between his magic super-axe and insane badassery he's neigh-unkillable. Felix is some random bard who found a sword that really wants to kill dragons somewhere. Together, they fight crime look for something powerful enough to finally kill Gotrek. Gotrek tolerates Felix traveling with him because he needs someone to pen the mighty tale of his epic doom. In recent times their relation have come close to a bro-friendship and they trusts each other completely. While he's not in in for the chicks, Felix goes through them at a rate of 1-2 per two books.
• Kurt Helborg: Captain of the Reiksguard and second to the Emperor in military terms. Also a badass moustache.
• Ar-Ulric Valgeir: The Viking leader of the Cult to Ultic, the wolf god.
• Luthor Huss: Crazy ass preacher. Awesome in the way to show the middle finger to those over-fat, political fuckwits of the Sigmar cult of the capital and take the "Fight Chaos to death" thing personally... with a huge hammer.
• Balthasar Gelt: Empire Wizard, looks like Dr. Doom. Rides a white pegasus and wears such gaudy clothing that Lady Gaga looks frumpy by comparison. Possibly Elton John without the singing voice.
• Valten: Reincarnation of Sigmar. Got ganked by a Skaven, probably Snikch, but the lack of gore makes it hard to tell.
• Louen Leoncour: King of Bretonnia. Believes in the Feudal system, also believes that a 300% tax rate for the peasantry promotes economic growth, also believes that knights are of infallible morality, also believes that guns are weaker than bows , also believes people of the Empire would prefer a system of governance that emphasizes crushing their hopes and dreams, also believes that a pig and 12 Bretonnian coppers (which exchanges for less than half an Empire copper on a good day) is an excessive reward for saving his nation. In the same support group for ludicrous theme naming as Canis Wolfborn.
• Lady of the Lake: Creepy cannibal spirit of Bretonnia. A fine piece of ass regardless of diet. May be an elf in disguise.
• Green Knight: Bretonnian Holy Warrior and professional ass rapist.
• Katarin the Ice Queen: Tzarin of Kislev. Cold bitch.
• Teclis: Mage of the High Elves. Pathetic weakling that drinks magic potions like an alcoholic and falls over in a breeze, although he's also one of the few non-Slann mages capable of nuking cities. Considered a Mary Sue by some but they are mistaken, his brother Tyrion is the Mary Sue. Teclis also taught the Empire how to use magic and founded their fancy colleges, being one of the few elves to realize and respect the potential of non-elves. Eldrad - dickery = Teclis. According to his cameo in the Gotrek and Felix series, most elf women are so-so towards him (being haughty bitches), but human women are wet for him.
• Tyrion: Teclis' twin brother and a fuckawesome warrior. May in fact be aroused by killing; it's hard to tell because he won't stop to answer questions. Also happens to be a bigger Mary Sue than Kaldor Draigo and a bigger dick than Eldrad. For instance, in 'Blood of Aenarion' he matches veteran warriors with a blade even though he's young and barely practiced himself. Women flock to his bed (including his own cousin) and everyone treats him like a hero even though he hasn't done anything heroic yet (being a descendant of one doesn't count, you have to earn it). Also has the supposed flaw of not being good at anything outside of war. "Supposed" because the flaw never affects him when it should harm him. Matt Ward, of all people, reduced his Mary Sueness a little by making him moody and giving him a short temper as early signs of Aenarion's curse.
• Orion: Consort King of the Wood Elves. Rides through Bretonnia every summer and kills everybody who runs from him.
• Thorgrimm Grudgebearer: Dwarf High King, very angry, very angry indeed. He carries a book called "The Great Book of Grudges", where EVERY single fault aganist the Dorf people is noted and taken ino account when the time of skullcrushing comes, hence is angriness.
• Josef Bugman: Dwarf brewer and 200% Awesome. After his brewery got burned down by some goblins he began an impossible mission to kill the tribe that decided the world didn't need anymore Bugman's XXXXX. Now he roams the world with his surviving employees and family fucking shit up.
• Lord Madzamundi: Most powerful and influential Slann alive, unnecessarily rides on a dinosaur and gets the bloated toad-alien equivalent to a raging hard-on every time he nukes a city and/or non-Lizardmen species into dust. Also leads the Lizardmen equivalent to the Klan and was one of the brilliant minds behind a plan for a redecorating of the world's volcanic system, this also resulted in the Dwarves being marginalised close to the point of extinction. And then he fapped to it.
• Venerable Lord Kroak: Slann Mage Lord, most powerful crapass fat useless toad magician in the setting. Can't even move by himself. Also, he is made of awesome awesome fat fa/tg/uy guts and more awesome magic, he is fucking death and he CAN FUCK UP A FUCKING CITY. Despite being dead for the last few millennium, his corpse used to shoot laser from his eyes, now its just localised nuclear explosion... every. fucking. turn. Probably the most powerful entity because even being a dead, inanimate corpse, he has killed more shit than anyone else on this list, except for maybe Nagash, even then its too close to make a call, except that he probably will kill Nagash if they meet and would just blink the guy out of existence if they had met when he was alive. He also gets bonus points for not having actually being reanimated, vampirised or any other kind of weird back from the death shit. He is straight up dead. And his rotting corpse is still more magic than the magicest anything else in the universe. In short, he's the grand toad poohbah of lizardkind, and he's on a hoverchair. Not dissimilar to a Darlek in this regard.
• Archaon: Lord of the End Time, the Ever Chosen and second most powerful warrior in the setting. Beat all four of the greatest Champions of the Empire in single fight during the Storms of Chaos Campaign But got bashed about badly by Grimgor who headbutted his teeth out of his face. Grimgot iz da best!
• Wulfrik the World-Walker: Chaos Lord, executioner of the Gods and consummate smack-talker of the Warhammer world.
• Aekold Hellbrass: Pathetic excuse for a Tzeentchian Champion.
• Arbaal the Undefeated: All mighty Champion of Khorne. Another one of the greatest warriors in the setting. Obviously, being a favored champion of the Ultimate God of War. Was with Asavar Kul when Praag was destroyed, fled the battle after he died at Russia, likely to assume Khorne ain't very happy with him. Also destroyed the gates of Praag with a single strike from his sword. (badass) Angron probably got his inspiration from this guy. Is he as fun to be around as Kharn?
• Asavar Kul: Greatest Champion of Chaos. Greatest warrior in the setting. Almost destroyed the Empire. 'Nuff said.
• Vardek CROM!: Archaon's lieutenant and King of the tribe of Asavar Kul. Was man handled by Archaon once and beat Grimgor once.
• Grimgor Ironhide: Orc Warlord, one of the most powerful warriors in the setting. Got his ass handed to him once by Archaon's lieutenant, Vardek CROM!!! Grimgor swore to prove he was the best in any case and did it beating Archaon himself in singular duel.
• Grom the Paunch: Former Goblin Warlord. Famous for being obese, no joke. Also for near DESTROYING the Empire, oh, AND Ulthuan. not bad for a Gobbo. No one knows where is he now, but it is unlikely that, whrerever he is, is alive(his wars was a hundred yeras before current era). GROM LIVES, ya' git! An' when da waaaghboz returnz, wi'll stomp da humies an el's an' orcs fo' good! WAAAA-STOMP! Where ya been? Get back to camp an' start to load rukks in da... um... "thing", ya squishy git!
• Thanquol: Skaven grey seer and archenemy of Gotrek. He does lines of warpstone powder which is to cocaine what a monster truck is to a pair of baby's first rollerskates, also he managed to escape from the prophet of Sothek, who after losing his sacrifice to his awesomic god, takes a nap(meditate, despise the fact that he is a skink). Forever.
• Snikch: Skaven ninja-assassin. Uses three scimitars at once to lop off limbs from his target, doesn't so much as assassinate people as shred them into little pieces.
• Malekith: Lord of the Dark Elves; master of Dark Magic, uses a shield that can asplode your brain from a distance, and rides a giant-ass black dragon. Still lives with his mom. Also considered a whiny emo git who costs so much no one will ever use the Malekeith on a Dragon model because they'd rather finish the game before the entropic heat death of the universe.
• Malus Darkblade: The Starscream of Warhammer.
• Gorthor the Beastlord: An Everchosen. Whipped up on the Empire for awhile before dying.
• Khazrak The One-Eye: The most cunning Beastman. Loves messing with Todbringer.
• Morghur, Master of Skulls: A creature so close to Chaos that stuff he touches becomes Spawns.
• Nagash: Supreme Lord and Creator of the Vampires. Used to get shit done and then raised it as undead to scare the shit out of everyone, now he camps in fortress, or something, things have been quiet since 5th edition. He may still be getting some shit done, since Mannfred Von Carstein is a recogniced follower/ally of him. Supposedly the stronger human wizard ever, and had an almost evenly fight with sigmar. Almost, because he still ended up having his ass wiped. But Sigmar's gone and Nagash is still rockin' it, so he probably had the last laugh on that one.
• Mannfred Von Carstein: Vampire Lord, and the only Von Carstein to even think about getting shit done. He's also part responsible of the theft of the Ring of Bupreme Badassery of Vlad and using said theft in his rise to power.
• Konrad Von Carstien: Bat-Shit crazy vampire Lord. Just snapped one day and wandered off into a forest muttering to himself, where he was promptly tackled by a dwarf and stabbed in the heart with the Elector Count of Ostland's Runefang. Total "pants-on-head" retarded vampire noob.
• Settra the Imperishable: Greatest of the Tomb Kings. Fights upon a pimped out chariot and casts like a Liche High Priest. He has been toned down in the newest version of the game he now cast like a chump at a level 1
• Khalida: Freaky mummy-chick blessed with the powers of a snake. Still hot.
• Overtyrant Tradelord Greasus Tribestealer Drakecrush Hoardmaster Goldtooth the Shockingly Obese: A huge motherfucker that weighs more then a pile of corpses made from giants. He loves eating almost as much as he loves killing. His name is also really, really long. Ogres are impressed by his name and he probably gets a shitload of tail. But he's a huge lardass who costs 565 points and makes ogres more awesome and enemy units pant-shittingly stupid.
• Golgfag Maneater: An Ogre mercenary, notorious for doing pretty much everything. Example: your mom.

Links

• Song for Warhammer Fantasy
• Warhammer Lexicanum (It is badly in need of more articles)
• Warhammer Fantasy Battles Tactics