Quest:Dorf Quest

You heard the man.

A Quest run by Gnome, featuring the adventures of the dorf Beardbeard, the elf Garrelf, the human rogue Aldwin, the neckbeard apprentice Lily, and the orc priestess Cultist. Plot summary is easier done by listing off what each character has done so far. The threads can be found here. Now also comes with its own TVTropes article!

Dorf Quest concluded July 26, 2009.

Playable Characters

This article contains spoilers! You have been warned.

List of all the major characters in Dorf Quest, as well as their major accomplishments and current status.

Beardbeard Godslayer

Beardbeard is a Dorf and, for the most part, the main character of the game. He set out to make a name for himself and earn some cash. Despite his violent nature (he's Chaotic Evil), Beardbeard seems to value his friends and allies and tries to help them when possible. In fact, by this point, Beardbeard has become somewhat infamous in-game for going out of his way to resurrect or otherwise help his comrades, even if 90% of their deaths and/or problems are entirely his own damn fault. Beardbeard is a worshiper of Xom, and hails from the city of Mountainhome. He is 34 years old.

Currently, he is known as Godslayer for killing Glittergold and handing his divinity to Satan. He claimed a dragon's cavern as his own and (forcefully) relocated Mountainhome and a kobold camp to the cave, which he named BuzzardLoved. He also fathered a newborn Sun, which he named Sunson. He was recently horribly maimed/mutated in a battle lost against Musclebeard's usurpation of BuzzardLoved. He has admired a fine stone bust lately. He has become the God of Strength by taking down Heracles.

Currently, Beardbeard seems interested in building monuments to both Garrelf and Heracles. After which Beardbeard will reclaim Buzzardloved and possibly re-enslave and/or murder every traitorous bastard there, he doesn't know, he hasn't thought that far through yet. He may also be interested in seducing the goddess of death just because she is a girl.

GOD: Xom
CURRENT QUESTS: Conquer Region, Build momument to Garrelf/Heracles

Garrelf Swiftrip

A manly elf who got recruited into Beardbeard's party, and proved for some time to be a trustworthy ally. During a drinking contest between Beardbeard, Satan, and himself, he lost his liver (and his life) when Beardbeard ripped it out so he could replace Satan's. Beardbeard, in an act that would come to define his personality, then resurrected Garrelf and transformed him into a Shadar-kai. Soon after he became king of the elven city of Teven, a process which mostly involved marrying and then shagging the queen for four days straight. He also became known as very likely the most depraved torture expert ever. He hails from the city of Teven. He is 99 years old.

Garrelf was banished to the shadow realm after totally saving everyone's ass from a dragon, but then his ass was totally saved by Beardbeard, who proceeded to throw a huge tantrum and kick both Garrelf and Queen Arialla's asses when the frigid bitch left him in the shadow realm to die. Garrelf then swore to hunt down and destroy Beardbeard due to the grievous bodily harm inflicted on both him and his wife. To this end, he decided to help Satan destroy the (7) Leylines so that Satan could reassemble life in his image, in exchange for power, and he also enslaved a city of Nagas.

Eventually Beardbeard and Garrelf faced off, and a huge battle occurred, which was totally epic, culminating in a duel between the two. Beardbeard ultimately triumphed, though not without cost. In the end, Garrelf seemed to regret his actions, and Beardbeard forgave him. One last ale was shared between the two, before Garrelf finally passed from his wounds.

Goodnight, Garrelf.

Manly tears were shed.

GOD: Satan
UNFINISHED QUESTS: Destroy Beardbeard, Destroy Leylines (4/7 Destroyed)

Aldwin Cardsharp

Aldwin is the second protagonist in the game. He and Beardbeard and Garrelf alternate weekly sessions. He is a rogue/cleric of Nemelex, and hails from Aordor. He is 25 years old.

Aldwin started out as a very incompetent rogue who pretty much sucked at anything he did. However, after much training with Lily, he has come to become a competent rogue, and Goldmoon had started to teach him the ways of an assassin before making the ultimate sacrifice. Most of his power comes from his summoning abilities, however, as most of the other rogues in the story are better than him at being rogues. Aldwin, Lily, and Cultist all live inside a Windmill that he claimed as his own a while back. Due to a series of events, Aldwin was in charge of the Goldmoon slayers, but he has been relieved of that duty by Nevada for the most part. Aldwin and Cultist are currently in a relationship and are expecting a child.

He currently had just finished resurrecting Lady Goldmoon, and his only focus is on Baby stuff. He most recently proposed to Cultist.

GOD: Nemlex
CURRENT QUESTS: Baby Stuff

Lily Roosterhalt

A neckbeard in training and Aldwin's sidekick/adoptive daughter. She helps Aldwin stop sucking at his chosen profession and helps him in his training. Even though she is useless by herself, her extreme genre savvy helps her when dealing with Aldwin, and points him in the right direction. Also, she is the only character in Dorf Quest who communicates directly with the fa/tg/uys, even being considered an embodiment of /tg/ itself in the game world. Also she's pink and tiny. Really tiny. Really really fucking tiny. Lily is also a glass cannon - she has one very powerful attack (Nerdrage), but she can only use it once per session, and she can't take a hit at all. She currently follows Pelor, and nobody knows where she hails from. Her age is unknown, but estimated to be around 9 or 10.

GOD: Pelor

Cultist of Xom

An orc cultist of Xom that started as just a throw-away NPC, but ended up being a member of Beardbeard's party. A pious follower of Xom, she helped Beardbeard by bringing Garrelf back, restoring Beardbeard's arm after his Satan arm went awry, and giving him the barrel of Kay-oss beer that mutated him (As a reward for getting 10 people to join Xom). She appears to be a shy and kind person, always trying to help out as much as she can, despite her not exactly beautiful looks and weird speech. She is a very obvious reference to Cultist-chan. Cultist hails from Eridia. She is 17 years old.

Currently, she is living with Lily and Aldwin at the windmill. She is pregnant, and it has been PROVEN FOREVER that Aldwin is the father.

GOD: Xom

Mado

A human rogue who follows Nevada around like a lost puppy. She has a huge crush on Nevada, and would do anything for her, including pretend she sucks so that she can stay Nevada's apprentice longer. She joined Beardbeard's party by force, but began to help them out after discovering that they wanted to bring back Nevada. She worships Ra, and hails from Aordor. She is 17 years old.

Currently, she is happily hooked up with Nevada. Les yay!

GOD: Ra

Kav

A pixie mobster who had been sold off as a slave to the Blue Eyes White Dragon. She agreed to help out Beardbeard after he rescued her, but seems to crave action, and gets bored easily. She speaks in 1920's slang, making her exact message difficult to understand at times, but the gist of it is pretty clear. She worships Heracles, and hails from Eridia. She is 125 years old.

Her current location is in Finlay's Belly unknown.

GOD: Heracles

Driblis

A kobold in bone armor, and wielding a bone spear. Leads Beardbeard's army as his Double General. Notable accomplishments include standing up to Beardbeard despite being a kobold (which is how he got his job), and outdrinking a dorf (among 200 other dorfs), making him possibly the most badass kobold there is.

He then went on to save the day at Garrelf's last battle, willing to sacrifice his life to stop the Illithisaurus. He survived thanks to Presley, and is now more badass than ever. He is now the Champion of Strength.

Villains

Also includes Beardbeard and Garrelf.

Finlay

An assassin who was an old acquaintance of Aldwin's. However, he has definitely lost Aldwin's trust, and deserves to DIAF. He was unjustly murdered by Goldmoon after being framed for the kidnapping of Lily, but no one really minds since he really was a total asshole. Finlay has no god, and hails from Aordor. He was 27 years old when he died.

Since it will never come to light, his initial plan for killing Goldmoon was as follows: By using Aldwin/Lily as bait, he would get her to drop her guard, and then kill her himself. He would claim credit for the attack, thus putting himself in the Number One spot of the guild, and setting himself up as its leader. When Lily managed to knock him unconscious, and later claimed that he had been 'stopping the intruders' - that was entirely quick-thinking on his behalf, and not even slightly pre-planned. In addition, his arm was never broken - he had paid the doctor to say it was so his story would both be more believable, and so he could work without suspicion for a while. This backfired on him when Goldmoon required that he stay in his room until it healed, but he tried to make the best of it by working on his poisons. When George framed him for kidnapping, however, his lack of broken bone was discovered by Goldmoon, and she used Measure of Guilt on him - the ability's damage is based on how much you have lied to the user. Goldmoon had not intended to kill him, but... well... it worked better than expected.

Finlay is currently haunting Aldwin's dreams as a mutilated corpse, in the form of Horror Finlay. alive, kinda, and out for blood. much less of a jerk than he used to be.

Furious George

The BBEG. Or at least, he would like you to think so. Furious George was originally a reanimated Rhesus Macaque made by Satan at Beardbeard's request. However, it rampaged and was destroyed by Beardbeard. After questing through the multiverse, however, he gained super-powers and some semblance of sentience - but in the end, was really still only as intelligent as a monkey. He was defeated by the ultimate Nerd Rage, obtained when Lily was exposed to one of Aldwin's RAGE cards, and only further fueled by the death of Goldmoon. He was 3 years old when he died, and was undead for approximately 2 months before he died again.

Supporting Cast

In order of first appearance.

Queen Arialla

Garrelf's wife, and ruler of the city of Teven Ives. She is a powerful sorceress, capable of altering her appearance, teleporting, and blasting the shit out of things with lightning. She is also quite horny. She is 188 years old.

Had her windpipe crushed by Beardbeard after she totally abandoned him in the realm of the Shadar-Kai, resulting in Garrelf's vow of vengeance. She then tagged along with Garrelf, getting her throat healed and proceeding to help him destroy leylines, mostly by teleporting him around and blasting the shit out of things with lightning.

After the totally abandoning Garrelf during his final battle in favor of running away from fucking Driblis of all people, Arialla was eaten by Cheska, where she will be forced to live in his stomach, trapped in an endless illusion where she is killed by Driblis over and over again for all eternity, or until Cheska feels like vomiting.

Goldmoon

A celestial assassin who leads led the Goldmoon Slayers. She is was Lily's adoptive mother, and Aldwin's mentor. She made the ultimate sacrifice for Lily, to ensure Lily could take out Furious George. Aldwin, after much trial and tribulation, has recently brought her back to life. She is 214 years old.

Nevada

A halfling assassin from Goldmoon's guild, sent to kill Beardbeard. The fight went poorly for her, however, as Garrelf managed to kill her in cold blood in front of Mado. She has been resurrected by Beardbeard, and now has second doubts about his evil nature. Nevada worships Fate, and hails from Eridia. She is 28 years old.

Currently, she is trying to keep an eye on Beardbeard, but KEEP WATCH CANCELED: INTERRUPTED BY MADO.

Mah-mee

Cultist's mother, and a follower of Fate. 30 years of visions have caused it all to start to blend together for her, and she sometimes confuses facts with one another. Her medication helps her sort through it all, but also slows her thought processes to a crawl, which she hates with a passion. She accidentally killed her husband, and drove away her daughter. However, Cultist still loves her mah-mee, even if she is impossible to get along with, and visits her on occasion. Mah-mee lives in the East Slums of Eridia, and is 33 years old.

Coco

A lich tamed by the power of cute. She follows Cultist and Aldwin everywhere. He happens to be mute, so /tg/ named him Coco since she wasn't going to say anytime soon. More details about Coco seem to be slow in coming.

Minor Characters

In order of first appearance.

Musclebeard

Owner of Beardbeard's favorite tavern. Once threatened to suspend Beardbeard for life if he ever fights again inside of his tavern. It also turns out he's moonlighting as Moradin, the dorfen god. This means that, as Beardbeard has taken over the Mountainhomes, Moradin is technically employed by Beardbeard.

As it turns out, however, Musclebeard has a very low tolerance for any of Beardbeard's shit, and challenged him for dominion of the Mountainhomes, citing Beardbeard's reckless idiot psychopathy for reasoning. Beardbeard conceded this to be a valid point, before kicking his ass anyway promptly getting his ass handed to him by the God of all Dorfs.

But Beardbeard jabbed his eye out with the remainder of his arm, rendering Musclebeard completely blind and salvaging Beardbeard's Pride, so it's all good.

Priest of Xom

The local priest of Xom, from the Mountainhomes. A fan of Uno. Not a fan of Garrelf. Beardbeard's go-to man for resurrections.

Presley and Cheska

A shadar-kai who is very obviously a reference to Elvis. He has a penchant for playing slow, bad love songs on his guitar, and has a pet Cheshire Cat named Cheska. Currently Beardbeard's bard/closest friend.

Nana

A member of the Goldmoon Slayers, and a priestess of Poseidon. Her primary job in the guild is to teleport guild members to the location of the assassination. Thanks to Nana, the Goldmoon Slayers hold sway over the entire continent, which consists of over 70 different city-states. Nana has been heavily mutated due to an incident with an opposing priest of Xom, and her baby died mid-term as a result. She is not a fan of Xom or his followers.

Mace

One of the trainers of new recruits of the Goldmoon Slayers. He doesn't talk much, and very little is known about him.

Thod

An orc who cooks for the Goldmoon Slayers. He is loud and boisterous, and purportedly has troubles with his ex-wife.

Yami

A worshiper of Nemelex who attempts to steal the souls of other people by playing games with them. Lives inside the Shadow Realm. Continually beat up by the party, since they'd rather not play a game with him.

Djinn

A magical creature that Aldwin gave a body to. It now wanders the world, doing essentially whatever it pleases.

Bigby

A thief using a pair of enchanted gloves that Garrelf killed for his bounty.

Rary

A powerful sorcerer whose actions are worth far more than his bounty of 15,000 Gold. He is wanted "for the destruction of multiple cities, for rewriting the fabric of reality, for the unwilling transmutation of others, for dining and dashing, and for inciting the God Wars." In recent events he helped out Beardbeard (for a price of course) by giving him some info about the way gods and divinity work.

Triblit

A priest of Ra. Seems fishy.

British

A vampire demon who attacked Beardbeard. She went down quick.

Jeeves

A naga male who has been conscripted by Garrelf. Jeeves is not his real name.

Teflnok

The naga high priest of Ives.

Krann

A female naga who has been conscripted by Garrelf as a concubine.

Lolth

A female Giant Cave Spider (GCS) who is working as Beardbeard's mount until her kids hatch.

Important Locations

The current area map

The Mountainhomes

Beardbeard's home town. Notable locations in the Mountainhomes include Musclebeard's Tavern, and the temples to Xom and Moradin. Known for its strong mining community that Beardbeard doesn't give a shit about. Has been repossessed by Buzzardloved.

Aordor, Merchants' City

Aldwin's home town. Notable locations in Aordor include smoldering crater and giant mutated arm of Satan.

Teven, Elven Capitol

Garrelf's home town. Notable locations in Teven include Queen Arialla's palace, and the temples to Satan, Heracles, Fate, and Ra.

Eridia, Port Town

Cultist's [and Kav's] home town. Notable locations in Eridia include the docks, the mercantile district, Kav's Legit Joint, and the temples to Fate, Heracles, Poseidon, Nemelex, Pelor, Yog, and Ra. Cultist's mommy lives here as an oracle-for-hire, but without all the plot armor and lame mary-sue powers.

Ajys, City of the Dead

One of the few remaining places where Xanatos is openly worshiped. The 'city' consists of a single temple to Xanatos, and a lot of graves. There was a Djinn here. It is gone now.

Liam, City of Excess

A ritzy city where nothing is free. Anything and everything is available here, but it comes at an exorbitant price.

The Goldmoon Slayers

An organization dedicated to assassinating corrupt individuals, they use a temple of Heracles in the middle of a forest as their main base of operations. The Goldmoon Slayers were lead by Goldmoon, the strongest among them, and she was backed up by Nevada, the second strongest member. The two of them lead the guild with virtue at the core of their beliefs - only those deserving of death were to be assassinated. The end result of this meant Goldmoon had to turn down a lot of contracts.

Finlay was in the guild primarily for the money, however, and being the third strongest, he led an opposing faction - one that felt anyone could be assassinated, for the proper price. With the death of both Goldmoon and Finlay, the guild hall's leadership is currently undergoing a major toss up, and anyone could be an enemy. This means Nevada and Aldwin are prime targets for any friends Finlay may have left behind.

Goldmoon's Group

• Goldmoon:< Guild Founder
• Nevada: "Number 2" - Current Leader
• Mado: Apprentice
• Aldwin: Apprentice - Capable of leading if necessary

Finlay's Friends

• Finlay: "Number 3"

Unknown Orientation

• Nana: Priestess of Poseidon
• Thod: Chef
• Mace: Close Quarters Combat Trainer

Buzzardloved

Beardbeard's wannabe city-state.

Positions

• King: Beardbeard Godslayer
• GeneralDOUBLE GENERAL: Driblis
• Bard: Presley
• Records Keeper: King
• Bishop: Priest of Xom

Citizens: 640

• Military: 25 kobolds, 200 dorfs
• Agriculture: 9 kobolds, 136 dorfs, 15 humans
• Mercantile: 45 dorfs, 20 humans
• Technology: 161 dorfs, 30 humans
• Sorcery: 2 humans
• Clergy: 2 dorfs, 1 human
  • Godly Presence: Xom, (quite literally) Moradin

Ives, Naga City

The Jungle capital of the Naga race. Currently under Queen Arialla's control.

Positions

• King Queen: Arialla
• General: Garrelf Swiftrip
• Bard Pet: Jeeves
• Concubine: Krann
• Records Keeper: None
• High Priest: Teflnok

Citizens: 625

• Military: 250 Naga
• Agriculture: 120 Naga
• Mercantile: None
• Technology: 25 Naga
• Sorcery: 90
• Clergy: 135
  • Godly Presence: Poseidon, Satan, Fate

Beardbeard was here. Garrelf is a loser.

Gods

The following facts are provided by Gnome himself, for clarity. Anyone without a God in the Playable Characters section of this wiki CAN later obtain a god, at /tg/'s request. Note that this may only be done while /tg/ is currently in control of said character.

Fate

Primordial God of Time and Destiny. His domain involves divinations and illusions. Fate is worshiped by Nevada. Fate is not based on external sources. Fate seems to like Beardbeard, for reasons unknown. Probably involves some sort of JUST AS PLANNED shit, however.

Fate is the strongest of the gods, and his divine duties involve keeping the others in line.

Xom

Primordial God of Chaos (and Perversion/Love, depending on who you ask). His domain involves mutation, transformation, and emotion. This does include shapeshifting magic, although the closest we have seen to this is Cultist's granted mutations. Priests of Xom are capable of suppressing their own mutations - casual worshipers like Beardbeard have no such luck. Xom is worshiped by Beardbeard and Cultist. Xom himself is based off of Ruby Quest's [Red.]

Xom is tied with Yog as second strongest of the gods.

Currently let loose upon reality.

Yog

Primordial God of Order. His domain involves protection and restoration of the natural order of things, as well as mental domination of its foes. Yog does not have any worshipers among the party, and is in fact despised by Cultist. Yog is very loosely based on the Yog-Sothoth of HP Lovecraft fame.

Yog is tied with Xom as the second strongest of the gods.

Xanatos

Primordial God of Death. Her domain involves necromancy and ice. Xanatos is worshiped by Coco. Xanatos is very creepy and very shy. As a result she is beloved by a subset of fans who want Beardbeard to get in her pants.

Xanatos is the third strongest of the gods.

Nemelex

God of Luck and Competition. His domain involves adjusting chance and bending rules to your favor/outright cheating. Nemelex is worshiped by Aldwin and Yami. Nemelex is based off of Dungeons and Dragons' Beholder, but with many many more eyes. Nemelex himself seems to care deeply for his worshipers, as shown by his threatening of Beardbeard for an event that nobody is quite sure of in the slightest.

Glittergold Satan

God of Magic and Nature. His domain involves the manipulation of others' magic, such as counter spells and the redirection/alteration of magical effects, as well as life magic. Glittergold Satan is worshipped by Garrelf, and Satan and Beardbeard are good friends. Glittergold is based on the Happy Mask Salesman Satan is based off of the Christians' mythological Lord of Hell.

Glittergold has been replaced by Satan.

Heracles

God of Strength and War. His domain involves weapons, armor, power, and destructive magic. Heracles is worshiped by Kav. Heracles is strongly based on the Heavy of TF2.

After Beardbeard challenged him and usurped his divinity, he died. He's currently kicking back in Valhalla, presumably eating a sandvich while waiting to respawn.

Pelor

God of Judgment and Light. His domain involves those stupid alignment-based spells and healing. Pelor is worshiped by Goldmoon and Lily. Pelor has not made an appearance, seen by the party, but he can be seen in the pantheon.

Ra

God of the Sky and Weather. His domain involves flight, lightning, and weather alteration. Ra is worshiped by Mado.

Moradin

God of the Earth and Stone. His domain involves stone, fire, and crafting. Moradin does not have any worshipers among the party. Moradin has been featured on Gnome's pantheon panorama, and seems to be moonlighting as the barkeep Musclebeard. Nicknamed "The Blind God" from what Beardbeard did to his eye.

Poseidon

God of the Sea and Travel. Her domain involves teleportation and water. Poseidon does not have any worshipers among the party. Poseidon has not made an appearance, seen by the party, yet although she can be seen in the pantheon

Epic Moments Gallery

Epic moments found throughout Dorf Quest.

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"A dorf is made of 4 things, Glittergold: A beard, an axe, a flagon of ale, and pride. I will show you how these 4 things will Kick. Your. Ass." "Eventually, one of your skulls will cave in, and the hydra forgot his helmet." Aldwin has fewer Crowning Moments of Awesome than Beardbeard, but he makes up for it Nothing needs to be said.

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Best plan ever Beardbeard vs. Garrelf and SATAN Delicious stone bust The similarities are obvious. A convenient list of problems Satan's arm begins to grow out of control Plot Summary, provided by gnome. Isn't she adorable? You don't fuck with Garrelf. Seriously, do NOT fuck with Garrelf. Goodbye, Goldmoon That's daddy's big boy, lighting up the world. Even the umbrellas are awesome. One last drink between friends.

Fanart Gallery

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Finlay x Finlay OTP Kav goes hunting

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Underwear/Dapper Gallery

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