Harem Knights: Vincent, The Cook

From the memoirs of Vincent, The Cook.

	All my life I wished to be a specialist in economics. I had few idealistic reasons to do so, but also some more down to earth. That doesn't matter now.

What matters is that, more or less, I am a cook. Or rather, The Cook.

During the first year or so after the summon, there wasn't much cooking to do. We ate berries, half raw meat, wild fruits and even goddamned mushrooms. But beggars couldn't be choosers Especially during that dire winter, which have taken roughly two thirds of us. We lost some decent guys back then.

After we advanced, people started eating healthy. Felim and Elven cuisine isn't that bad, but it gets bland over time. Some of the knights tried their strength at the kitchen, but frankly, most of the outrealmers know almost nothing about cooking. Especially cooking for a whole castle of grown up men with high energy demand for slaying or (more likely) wooing monsters. In my previous life I always liked experimenting with various recipes and I had quite a few memorized, so more than once one of the fellow Knights asked me to make something for them. At some point I found myself in the castle's kitchens, commandeering a small army wielding spoons, ladles and cleavers. I won't say it wasn't a pleasant job – it might not have been adventuring, but it was satisfying thing to do. Makes you feel like a important part of Harem Knights Order.

Extra fun when most of your cooks are Elven and Felim maidens in aprons. Dayum.

With time, local merchants started coming to me, asking what my little cooking kingdom would need. Quartermaster has been doing good job, taking orders from our scientists, blacksmiths, engineers and the rest. He sure didn't mind when I asked him if I could start purchasing supplies by myself. “Cool man, that'll make my job tons easier. Just tell me your funding and I'll add it to my spreadsheets.” How could I not help a fellow spreadsheet enthusiast? My role might have been the Head Chief, but I was still a man of economy at heart. With the little shares of loots I was receiving, I've been investing in various businesses in our town. My first investment was in a pub, surprisingly. I never really was a fan of alcohol, but one day some guy came to me, saying he could open one for me. His name was Eric or something along the lines of that. A merchant from Mirterrah, looking for a place for good business. I must say he was convincing enough for me to make a contract with him. On my rules of course, because I was the one giving him all the funding he would need. Soon, my other investments came and I totally forgot about that man.

Days passed, people came and went, our city was expanding, I was investing... I was obliged to hire more people, check on my businesses and things like that. Paperwork began to stack, free time began to decrease and the worst part was that I hadn't found my waifu yet. I became stressed. Frustration and anger were my close friends at that time. And then came the day when I snapped.

It was early autumn. Some important diplomats from one of the neighboring countries were to visit our Order next day. The whole castle was on its toes. My kitchen’s staff was quite big at the time and there were many new faces around.

	“Incompetent fools.”, I thought. More than once I yelled at them, because they were doing something incorrectly. Unsurprisingly, it added to the chaos. Hell's kitchen incarnate, one would say. The thing that broke me that day was a simple mistake made by young lamia. When I saw her actions, my anger instantly rose over the point of no return and I fell to an overwhelming urge to leave this hellhole before I would say or do something that I would regret later. Left my second in command in charge, threw apron away and went my way.

What horrible thing that girl had done, that I was teeming with anger, you ask?

She put ketchup on a hotdog.

Yes, I know, but that was the last straw for me.

In my rage I left the castle grounds and wandered into the streets of the city. I'm the type of man that will try to walk off his problems. It does wonders sometimes.

The sun was about to set and, to my demise, it started raining. With nowhere else to run, I entered a building resembling an inn. The interior was rather cozy, with a fireplace, tables for customers, and few stools near the corner. It seemed like nobody was inside. With nothing better to do I sat by the corner, not far away from the crackling fire.

“We’re closing for the night!” came from the backroom.

“Give me a break, it's pouring outside!” I yelled back.

“Guess I could take one more unfortunate fellow under my roof, but only if you buy something!” I noticed that the voice was female.

Soon enough, from the door-frame behind the counter emerged an elven maiden of long black hair. First thing that came to my mind – she was a beauty. Second thing was the fact, that she wore an eye-patch over her right eye. Later I would learn that it was a “souvenir” from her father. She was of fair build, a few centimeters shorter than me, slightly tanned skin, and simply beautiful brown eyes.

“So, what can I get you, friend? We mostly have ale, but there's also some whiskey in the back.” Her smile was charming.

“A mug of ale.”

“Coming right up.” With those words she turned away from me and bent over the bottom beer barrel.

All I was thinking at that exact moment can be shortened to simple “DAYUM”. There's a high chance, dear reader, that you'll not understand, but fellow Knights will know what I mean.

This pleasant view wasn't long and my ale was soon before me.

“Here you go,sir.” chimed the girl. With a smirk, I took a sip from the mug.

As I mentioned, I never really was an enthusiast of alcoholic beverages. Sometimes I drank a little for the flavor. But I am certain that this ale I had been served was the worst drink I have ever let into my mouth. All this time of working as a cook, where taste is the most important sense, added to that. Not even thinking about swallowing it, I spat that horrible thing to my side.

“What is this piss you’re serving?!”

“The cheapest excuse of an ale you'll find this side of the Dark Mountains. All thanks to our owner.”

“You mean that people actually pay to drink this?” I said while wiping my mouth.

“To be fair with you,” She leaned over the counter. “not really. I'm surprised we're still in business, but you didn’t hear that from me. My boss would kill me if he heard I said that.” She glanced behind me, probably checking to see if he was about to enter.

“Stupid strange...” I grunted.

“That said,” She continued, taking away my mug and replacing it with another, pouring some yellow liquid into it. “what do you say about some homemade hard cider?”

With nothing better to do, I accepted the offer and once again took a sip from the mug.

I might not have drank much in my life, but on Earth, or “Erz,” my best friend know about his drinks. He drank it all – from pure spirit, through cheap wine to fifty year old whiskey. Thanks to him I know a thing or two about alcohol. We were Best Buds. Dynamic Duo. The Army of Two. After all those years, I still miss that guy.

The thing is, this cider was amazing. It must have been written right across my face because I caught a wide smile from the elf.

“Not bad, eh? Got this recipe from some merchant passing through the town, but I changed it a little to fit my tastes.” she chimed.

“This is actually the best thing I ever drank. Beats that seven years old homemade wine my friend once gave me.” And, may I tell you, that was some goddamn good wine.

“The pleasure is all mine. The owner won’t even let me sell it. Mind if I drink too?”

“A man should not drink alone. Be my guest!”

In the following hours we drank, laughed and exchanged stories. I could feel all my anger from the evening fading away, relaxing with a pleasant companion of mine. I learned that best interpretation of her name was “Jessie”. She was one of the elves brought to Camp Waifu, after the first Teegee-Elf war. Drinks were her passion, so it was clear that sooner or later she would end up behind a counter in a pub.

At some point, as Jessie was occupied with filling our mugs, I gazed upon her.

There are moments in every man’s life, the importance of which he will notice much, much later. At that time my mind was completely blank, be it from alcohol or the sight in front of me. I had not noticed it then, but at some point, for a very short period, there was only one sentence on the edge of my subconsciousness. As quickly as it appeared, it vanished before I could comprehend it.

“I have found my waifu.”

Seconds after that, the doors slammed open. I jumped on my stool and Jessie was equally shocked and scared. I could see it in her eyes. I didn’t like that look in her eyes.

“What part of ‘close at sunset’ don't you understand?” A voice roared in our direction.

“I'm sorry sir, but it's raining outside and this sir here wanted to wait it out-”

“I don't care! And since when do we even have patrons?!” It would take me years of training to be equally gruff as that man. At the same time, I thought that I knew that man from somewhere.

“Listen pal, I could pay you double or even triple for your trouble-” I was cut-off mid-sentence.

“Have I asked for your opinion? No? Then get the fuck out of here. I think I might need to fire some of my employees for their incompetence.”

The following scene was a child of that rude man’s sentence and my quick temper, thanks to alcohol.

“Listen to me,” I stood up from my stool. “you are talking to one of the Harem Knights, the defenders and founders of this town. Our prime directive might be to find one's waifu, but that doesn't mean we aren't obliged to be chivalrous, honest, and polite. Right now, I see you as exact opposite of those virtues, pal, so you better think twice about what you say next.” Then it hit me. You, dear reader, probably figured it out already.

“I know you! You’re Eric, the merchant to whom I gave money to open up a pub!”

That line actually struck him more than the previous one. After some aggressive gestures, swearing, and threats he started to talk. In the contract that I made with him was a loophole - basically, I promised him to lend him more money, if the pub was struggling. He was a lazy bastard, so all he ever done for the establishment was shipping of cheapest drinks he could find, which nobody drank. The inn was barely earning, so every month he would go to my second-in-command with our contract in hand for more funds.

Quick lesson for people of new world.

Never mess with another man’s woman. Never mess with another man’s ego. Most importantly, never mess with man’s money. Though in the realm of Teegee, the order of importance is reversed.

He had messed with all three, I dare say.

More aggressive gestures and curses followed. At some point I literally kicked him out of the door, yelling on top of my lungs that our contract is no longer valid and that if I ever again see his face in this town, I would force all of the money he took from me down his throat.

Then there was silence. I took a deep breath, straightened my jacket, and went back to the counter. Jessie stood awestruck. I sat back on my stool and looked down my mug.

“Mind giving me a refill, Jessie?”

“Y-yes sir!” It took her a while to grasp what did I said.

“Hey, drop the ‘sir’. We drank together! It doesn’t matter that I’m rightful owner of...” I stopped mid-sentence. “What is even this place called?”

“I don’t know actually. The sign broke before I started working here. It was something about ducks, I think.” She told me in a more relaxed tone.

“Well, guess I’ll have to name this waterhole. Mind holding onto this place for me? I have much stuff on my head already, so help would be much appreciated.” I caught interest in her one eye. “Basically, let’s make this like this: I’ll make you my partner and I’ll give you free hand over this place. Just let me name it, okay?” This quarrel with untrustworthy merchant gave me a perfect name for it and I wouldn’t let it go easily.

Normally it would a be a horrible business decision, but a man trusts his waifu; even if he doesn't yet know that she is the one.

Her smile was worth more than all the gold in New and Old World combined.

Few weeks later, the whole place was buzzing with activity. Figures that Jessie had a knack for management. She had to hire some extra barmaids to run the whole place. They were of all races, in the spirit of the realm of Teegee. I soon became more than just a business partner, more of a regular. At some point, I don’t remember exactly when, she became my waifu. I kept investing in the city and I was still called “The Cook”, even though my visits at castle’s kitchens were rarer. We lived happily ever after.

That’s the origin story of “Rogue Trader”, the most popular pub with Harem Knights in Castle Waifu town.