Elesh Norn
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Elesh Norn is one of the fuckawesome Praetors from the totally fuckawesome game Magic the Gathering.
She leads The Machine Orthodoxy, the white-aligned New Phyrexian faction that believes that Phyrexia must adhere to the teachings of the Father of Machines. Elesh Norn intends to indoctrinate everyone about the truth, even if it means flaying them, tearing them limb from limb, and reattaching the parts into a creation that is worthy of Phyrexia. She is kinda like a miniature version of Khorne, Tzeentch, and the Inquisition all rolled into one. Yes she's that awesome. She also has been seemingly designated by /tg/ as the most fappable of the Praetors. Oh, sweet heresy.
As of recent developments in Magic fluff, she has subdued at least two of her fellow Praetors, Sheoldred and Urabrask, and is well on her way to becoming the sole ruler of New Phyrexia (for those not familiar with Magic or lacking attention to detail, Elesh Norn is white and the color of the other 2 praetors just mentioned are black and red, which are white's enemies). Whether or not they are alive and serving her or dead in her wake is unknown; given this is Phyrexia, they could easily be both.
Urabrask has avoided both fates as of New Capenna being name a "heretic" on his card.
In Game
Elesh Norn, Grand Cenobite is a fuckawesome Legendary 7-mana creature that continuously gives your creatures +2/+2 (except her) and your opponent's creatures -2/-2. A resolved Elesh Norn is just completely backbreaking against any creature based strategy; she immediately kills any opposing creatures with 2 or less toughness (through stuff like Protection from White and Indestructible), neuters the rest, and turns any other creatures you may have into game ending threats. Seriously best of luck pushing through damage into an Elesh Norn when your 15 Saproling tokens are wiped, your 5/5s are now trading into 1/1s mana dorks, and Elesh Norn's 4/7 ass is blocking anything that's not an Eldrazi Titan (after a -2/-2). Elesh Norn singlehandedly ends games if the opponent doesn't have a clean answer, and even if she's immediately plowed or pathed she's still murdered all the X/2s and X/1s around for their trouble.
In competitive play, Norn is used in Reanimator lists as the anti-aggro target of choice. Other reanimator targets are great against a specific problem permanent (Ashen Rider) or locking out future spells (blowing up lands or Iona-esque effects), but can struggle against established boards with a lot of creature threats. Whereas Norn smacks down "a lot of creature threats" really well, regardless of how many Spirits or Elves or Humans the opponent mustered beforehand. There are creatures more bullshit than Norn, but they either can't be reanimated (first set of Eldrazi titans, Blightsteel Colossus, Progenitus) or have their big effect tied to casting the card instead of cheating it into play (second set of Eldrazi Titans), so she gets the love of the necrophiliacs. Though since she has vigilance, they don't get to tap her fat 4/7 ass.
As an interesting tidbit where fluff and crunch overlap, Norn is fully capable of defeating any of the other praetors, even Vorinclex despite his higher stats since her debuff on enemy creatures means she can survive the damage he deals out while dealing enough to kill him
Gallery
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Elesh Norn's original art.
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The judge promo of her card is in Phyrexian.
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Not always fappable.
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A handy scale for fapfiction writers.
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Thinking of wonderful new ways to convert heretics like yourself...
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... and this is what she came up with.
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Elesh Norn is in your cards, hijacking them.
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Elesh Norn and Sheoldred are the bestest of buddies.
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This is what happens, /tg/. THIS is why you stay away from /d/!
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No one has ever been able to see the eyes of Elesh Norn, even when they should be able to.
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Elesh Norn has a predisposition to be FABULOUS in everything she does.
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Every time you make an Elesh Norn thread, she loves it. It pleases her immensely.
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That isn't actually snow, it is the ashes that spew from the depths of Phyrexia. She loves to frolic in it.
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The human version is considered equally desirable, but for different reasons.
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It is a little-known fact that Elesh Norn personally chose the symbol for New Phyrexia.
| Factions and Praetors in New Phyrexia | |||
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Factions:  The Machine Orthodoxy  The Progress Engine  The Seven Steel Thanes  The Quiet Furnace  The Vicious Swarm |
Praetors: Elesh Norn Jin-Gitaxias Sheoldred Urabrask Vorinclex |
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