Tarrasque

The Tarrasque is a pure fucking engine of destruction. Dreaded by adventurers for its high hp value and its obscenely high regeneration ability, only surpassed by Zargon in the Elder Evils book, it is known to rampage across nations eating everything. It cannot fully be killed through normal means; therefore, anyone lucky enough to reduce a Tarrasque to negative 30 hp will then have to use a wish or a miracle spell to completely destroy it, with only a 50% chance of success. If unsuccessful it will wake up again x years later and fuck more shit up. Also, no matter how big your army is (assuming your adventuring party had enough cash to recruit mercenaries), the Tarrasque's fast metabolism will allow him to produce such powerful flatulence that all your troops will die by suffocation in just one turn.

He only wakes up for 1-4 days every 2-12 months, but every now and then he stays up for several weeks before napping for several years for some reason that's never explained. Yeah, he's a heavy sleeper. Must be all the binge drinking.

As 3.Xe went on, more and more monsters were introduced to constantly one up the Tarrasque who already had to compete with Great Wyrm Dragons. In the monster manual II, we at first got the Leviathan and the Phoenix, neither of which had an comparable hit point count (though the phoenix has some fuckawesome spell like abilities, and goes boom with the force of a disintegration spell when killed, after which it promptly COMES THE FUCK BACK TO LIFE!) and Linnorms, who are massively over CRd. Nothing really similar to the Tarrasque was introduced in the other three monster manuals save for Dalmosh, who the Tarrasque would eat for breakfast, and then there was this giant prismatic...hamster...thing. But then a (lot of) challenger(s) approached when the Epic Level handbook, and the very first monsters that were undoubtedly bigger and stronger than the Tarrasque appeared in the form of Abominations, Colossuses...Colossusi...Colossi...Colossen...Colo-fuck it, Prismatic and Force Dragons, Ruin Vermin, and other such shit (like the bullshit permanent HP loss inducing wights.) Then came the books of Vile Darkness and Exalted Deeds which gave us the outsider lords, then came Deities & Demigods, and the fiend folio which gave us thunder worms, after which wizards didn't make much more uber-high CR shit. The Tarrasque got a break when the Fiendish Codex 1 nerfed the fuck out of the demon lords, though the Fiendish Codex 2 kept the Lords of the Nine where they were. Then came the Elder Evils book (a fuckawesome splatbook) and now the Tarrasque was literally swimming in competitors.

But salvation came when Dragon Magazine and the WotC website offered advanced and templated Tarrasque statistics, allowing the Tarrasque to reclaim his rightful spot as the strongest creature in all of D&D. That's right, you Atropals and your other abomination pals can fuck off, the big T is number 1!!!111ONEONEONE According to some, however, the Tarrasque is actually a pretty swell guy.

tl;dr

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? YOU CAN FLY? YOU THINK YOU'RE SAFE NOW? THE TARRASQUE HAS ONE THING TO SAY!

BRING IT.

How to Kill A Tarrasque

This article or section contains opinions shared by all and/or vast quantities of Derp. It is liable to cause Rage. Take things with a grain of salt and a peck of Troll.

The following are mental exercises, not meant for actual gameplay. In a real game, a halfway-decent Dungeon Master would come up with a creative solution, and hopefully a player wouldn't really optimize a character solely for the sake of killing a unique creature that might never appear in the campaign.

So stop bitching about how "this would never happen in a real game."

(3.5) How to Kill A Tarrasque in 20 Easy Levels

First, the feats for each level (and source book if it's not the PH):

Human extra feat: Power Attack
Fighter 1: Combat Reflexes, Weapon Focus: Greatsword
Fighter 2: Improved Bull Rush
Fighter 3: Mage Slayer
Fighter 4: Weapon Specialization: Greatsword
Fighter 6: Leap Attack (Complete Adventurer), Shock Trooper (Complete Warrior)
Fighter 8: Blind-Fight
Fighter 9: Pierce Magical Concealment (Complete Arcane)
Fighter 10: Melee Weapon Mastery: Slashing (Player's Handbook II)
Fighter 12: Greater Weapon Focus: Gretsword, Pierce Magical Protection (Complete Arcane)
Fighter 14: Greater Weapon Specialization: Greatsword
Fighter 15: Martial Study: Tiger Claw: Claw at the Moon (Tome of Battle)
Fighter 16: Martial Study: Tiger Claw: Sudden Leap (Tome of Battle)
Fighter 18: Martial Study: Tiger Claw: Pouncing Charge (Tome of Battle), Weapon Supremacy: Greatsword (Player's Handbook II)
Fighter 20: Improved Initiative

Key Equipment:

+5 Speed, Valorous (Unapproachable East), Adamantine Greatsword: 166,050 gp, provides an extra attack at your highest attack bonus when making a full attack, and deals double damage on all charge attacks
+1 Soulfire (Book of Exalted Deeds), Heavy Fortification, Mithril Armor: 100,000 gp + the cost of the mithril armor, provides immunity to critical hits, death effects, and negative energy effects
Manual of Gainful Exercise +5: 137,500 gp, provides a +5 inherent bonus to Strength
Belt of Giant Strength +6: 36,000 gp, provides a +6 enhancement bonus to Strength
Ring of Freedom of Movement: 40,000 gp, provides immunity to grappling and movement impedances
Ring of Mental Protection (Player's Handbook II): 110,000 gp, provides immunity to mind-affecting effects
Mask of True Seeing (Unapproachable East): 75,000 gp, provides continuous True Sight

Strength:

18 base from point-buy
+5 from level ups
+5 inherent bonus from Manual of Gainful Exercise
+6 enhancement bonus from Belt of Giant Strength

Total Strength: 34, with a Strength modifier of +12

Attack bonus with +5 greatsword when charging:

20 Base
+12 Strength bonus
+1 Weapon Focus
+1 Greater Weapon Focus
+2 Melee Weapon Mastery
+5 enhancement bonus from magic weapon
+2 charging

Total attack bonus when charging: +43

Damage with +5 greatsword:

2d6 base damage
+18 Strength bonus and a half
+2 Weapon Specialization
+2 Greater Weapon Specialization
+2 Melee Weapon Mastery
+5 enhancement bonus from magic weapon

Total damage: 2d6+29

So, you're a Human Fighter 20, standing 60 feet away from the death machine that is the Tarrasque. This is the moment of ultimate truth. If you lose initiative, you're supremely and irrevocably fucked, since although you can survive a charge of the Tarrasque, you probably won't be able to survive the AoOs from repositioning you. If you wins initiative though, with the help of some initiative-boosting items I forgot to list down then it's game time.

You spend a full-round action using your Pouncing Charge manoeuvre, which lets you charge and make a full attack at the end of it, while getting the +2 bonus to attack rolls on all your attacks. As part of your charge, you make a Jump check (easy enough with your ranks and Strength bonus) to activate Leap Attack, as you Power Attack for your full Base Attack Bonus, transforming the attack penalty into an AC penalty using Shock Trooper. So, you're making a full attack at +80 damage on each hit, at the cost of -20 AC and then another -2 AC from charging. Now, at this point, the damage on each of your attacks would normally be 2d6+109 (average 116) from your Leap Attacking shenanigans. However, your Valorous weapon makes you deal double damage on any and all charge attacks, shooting it up to a ludicrous 4d6+218 (average 232). This isn't including critical hits, but we won't be needing them, and they're a pain to calculate in 3.5 anyway.

So then, as you charge past the Tarrasque's threatened squares, it takes an AoO against you, using its bite. It damages you some, but it won't be able to score a crit thanks to your Heavy Fortification armour, and your Ring of Freedom of movement prevents a grapple and a swallow. You then make five attacks, at +43/+43/+37/+32/+27. The Tarrasque has "only" 35 AC. The first three only miss on a natural one, giving them a 95% hit chance. For the fourth one, you activate your +5 bonus from Weapon Supremacy, shooting it up to +37, and thus giving that one a 95% hit chance as well. The fifth and final attack is where you take 10, also using Weapon Supremacy, to make it automatically hit. So then, four attacks at a 95% hit chance, and one attack automatically hitting. 0.95 * 4 + 1 = 4.8.

4.8 * average 232 damage on each hit = average 1,113.6 damage in total. The Tarrasque has damage reduction 15/epic, however, subtracting a total of 75 damage from five hits, but that's still an amazing 1,038.6 damage inflicted on the Tarrasque's hit point total of 858 anyway. At this point, the Tarrasque should be down to -180 or -181 hit points, meaning it will be back in action in 5 rounds, and that's why I hope you've got a means to cast Wish right then and there.

(3.5) How to Defeat The Tarrasque in 3 Easy Levels

No particular feats required.
No particular items required.
Be a wizard of level 3.
Put on your robe and wizard hat.
Cast Command Undead on an allip (it's a CR 3 monster, if you can't find any just learn to cast Summon Undead.)
Cast Silent Image in front of the Tarrasque or Invisibility on yourself.
Have the allip attack it. Every hit will take off 3 wisdom on average with no saving throw, and the Tarrasque has an abysmal touch AC, with no way to hit incorporeal targets.
Once at 0 wisdom, it'll be unconscious until its ability score is restored. Cast Unseen Servant and have it shovel dirt into the nasal passages and lungs of the disabled Tarrasque so it can't breathe.
Per the MM, regeneration does not restore HP lost from suffocation, so it will be stuck at negative hit points, at least until some retard unpacks the dirt from its sinuses.
Congratulations! For defeating the Tarrasque, you're now a level 4 wizard, with 1 XP away from level 5. Make some wealth by opening a Bar and Grill on its back.
For added hilarity, take the Precocious Apprentice feat and with some mildly lucky rolls do this at level 1.

(3.5) How to defeat The Tarrasque in 1 Easy Level

Pazuzu, Pazuzu, Pazuzu...gets knocked out by thrown DMG....and still more legal than that Allip nonsense. (Which is peculiar since it's 100% legal with core rules as written.)

(4E) How to defeat the Tarrasque

Since the Tarrasque in 4E has limited mobility and no ranged attacks, two mounted combatants using ranged attacks could simply outrun the Tarrasque by having the closer combatant double-move out of the Tarrasque's possible reach, and the further attack and move to also stay out of reach. This way, the closer person to the Tarrasque is always just out of reach and next turn will be able to move far enough away to safely get an attack in. The Tarrasque is very hardy and damage resistant and as most 4E monsters (pre-errata) are known for having too many hit points, it stands to reason that two guys with basic equipment and skills would spend many hours running the Tarrasque around a field using this tactic. That said, it would still work with mediocre-or-better archers, as they could safely dispose of the Tarrasque under the rules as written. The first improvement to this tactic would be giving the archers +1 magic thrown weapons (360gp each) for better accuracy and damage and the "returns to hand as free action" magic, else the hours this tactic requires would see squires on horseback constantly bringing quivers of arrows.

Mathfaggotry follows: The (pre-errata) Tarrasque's 1400 hit points, 43 AC and Resist 10 to "all damage" means that normal human militia will scarcely put a dent in its carapace, unless the militia has more than two guys (and it's quite common for milia to be larger than '2'). Human militia will be made mostly of lvl 3 soldiers [MM, pg162] with +9 vs. AC... you'd need NPCs at level 23 or so to get the +27 vs. AC attacks for a 25% chance to hit. A pair of Efreet Cinderlords [MM, pg 98] might do if you can find horses big enough: lvl 23 artillery, at-will ranged attack +28 vs AC at range 10 pr +26 vs AC at 20 squares to do 2d6+8 damage. Assuming the Tarrasque doesn't get bored, the cinderlords will hit 20% of the time, doing an average of 15 points of damage 15% of the time, or rolling nat 20 for max damage of 20 points 5% of the time -- after Resist 10 that's 5 and 10, or an average of 1.25 points per efreet cinderlord per round. We can assume one cinderlord will always be double-moving, as the Tarrasque will keep chasing (because if it was smart enough to stop chasing, it would just burrow and escape). At 1.25 average points of damage per round, it would take one thousand, one hundred and thirty-six combat rounds to get it down to 0 (when it sinks into the Earth and goes back to sleep). Since a round is "about 6 seconds" [PH, pg 266], that would take 1.9 hours of constant horseback riding and fire efreets going "pew-pew!" It's supposedly unlikely that a pair of Efreet Cinderlords are interested in spending two valuable hours of their day running from a gigantic monster shooting lasers at it, but bragging rights for killing a supposedly mighty monster that is pathetically weak and possibly gaining many treasure parcels (tarrasques vomit magic items when they die, right?) seems like just thing the thing a monster would do. The best bet is likely to get a mid-level party together, mount them up, and make quick work of it with ranged attacks, the easily applied tactic of staying out of reach, and luring the Tarrasque to a typically sized battlefield.

Gallery

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3e concept sketch
A long time ago, in a MM2 far away...
oh how the mighty have fallen...
"Gentlemen."
DR 15/epic won't protect you from Rule 34
...or Rule 63
nyaa~n!
Nyoro~n
OH SHIT WE'RE FUCKED.
OH SHIT, WE'RE SERIOUSLY FUCKED.
How to kill tarrasque - Illustrated
A sentient Tarrasque that happens to be a wizard. Awesomeness of truly epic proportions follows.
Now Starcraft has their own version
>in b4 heresy