Vampire Counts

So, once upon a fucking time, there was a bitch-queen named Neferata, she ruled Egypt Nehekhara, and was totally against Nagash, regardless of how much of a baddass/pimp/undeadmotherfucker he was, so she joined the alliance of Pharaohs Priest-Kings who thought that, badass or not, an eternally living undead monstrosity that wanted to end all life on the material plane was *probably* a bad thing. Outnumbered and out magicked, Nagash's city was SACKED!

The Black Pyramid, which is waaaay more intimidating than any other pyramid, save the full-prismatic pyramid, or the pyramid of fire-sharks, was looted by Neferata and her soldiers, and with the spoils were the Nine books of Nagash, which are essentially Nagash's diary, only, he was such a badass, that reading his diary turns a queen, who normally would have no propensity to learn any sort of magic, and wasn't even evil, into an insane psycho-bitch who distills an elixir made out of her own blood that *apparently* makes Vampires[vampires that NEVER GLOW IN THE SUNLIGHT...IT BURNS THEM, THEY STAY OUT OF IT BECAUSE THEY WOULD DIE, SHINY VAMPIRES ARE NOT ONLY STUPID, BUT THEY AREN'T REAL, YOU WOULD NEVER GET EATEN BY A SHINY VAMPIRE, THAT WOULD BE THE WORST DESIGN FLAW EVER, AND VAMPIRES WOULD FUCKING STARVE TO DEATH, BECAUSE A CANDLE WOULD REFLECT OFF OF THEIR SKIN, AND LIGHT UP THE WHOLE GOD DAMNED ROOM, ALERTING YOU TO THEIR PRESENCE AND GIVING YOU TIME TO SHARPEN YOUR POINTY-GOD-DAMNED-STICK]...go fucking figure.

With this awesome invention of vampirism, the invention of blood-orgies was soon to follow, and Neferata had many! But she was lonely, and immortal. Lonely psycho-bitches sometimes need company, so she made all of her most badass servants into vampires, leading to an aristocracy that couldn't die...and ate people (It was much like Canada by this point.)

The aristocracy, however, got out of hand! They began to feed upon too many people, despite all-knowing hyper-badass Abborash's warnings, and all the ultra-pharaohs decided that enough was enough, and, much like Nagash, Neferata was tag-teamed but about ten million angry Egyptians, and some Anubis-warrior-type thingies. So all the vampires ran away, and fostered their own bloodlines....with their wieners. Thus, in exile and making more vampires [which get weaker and closer to being shiny with each passing generation] the former Nehekharaians, bereft of their old status as nobles, and thier access to uncountable liters of blood to shower into their orifices, quietly bide their time, and make big armies so that they may one day take over the world....and apparently kill everything? Which I still don't understand...if they killed everything, they'd starve, right? Oh, wait....I forgot about Abbor-fucking-ash,

CLEARLY the most badass of all was Abborash, a vampire so fucking RAW that he decided eating *common cattle* was for the weak-minded and only fed upon the blood of the most skilled swordmasters, knights, and soldiers he could find, incidentally fostering a race of super-soldiers possibly even more powerful than the all-too-feared SPACE MAREENSAH but that is a discussion for another day. Abborash ends up drinking the blood of a dragon dwagon after he defeats it, WITH HIS BARE FUCKING HANDS, in a seven week long fight, and THROWS IT OFF A FUCKING CLIFF. Apparently dwagon's blood is the magical cure to the curse of vampirism... go fucking figure.

Everything written above is fantasy, in actuality the Vampires of this game are just Bram Stoker rip offs.

I vant to fuck your blood! Bleh! O wait..