Commissar

But sir -- !

*click* *BLAM* If you will not serve in combat, then you will serve on the firing line!

-- but....your....zipper sir... it's open...

A commissar is a political officer in the Imperial Guard whose job it is to keep morale high by blowing the brains out of anyone who shows sign of weakness or fear. It works, statistically. They get a cool hat, a sword or powerfist they seem all too happy to hit the enemy with and their iconic laspistol which they use to boost the morale of their men, though some might prefer a bolt pistol instead since it motivates better(And seeing your buddy's head explode does indeed motivate you better than just seeing a laser beam go through it). In reality however they're nothing more than a couple of faggots who overcompensate for their lack of fighting skill by executing their men to look tou*BLAM*. It's a well known fact that most of their morale enhancement (Unless they're Commissar Gaunt, Ciaphas Cain, or Commissar Yarrick.) consists of being scary merciless bastards to rival the enemy merciless bast*BLAM*.

Commissars also have a tendency to get killed suspiciously far from the front lines. Fucking Catachan heretics.

They also have mad shooting skills, some can even execute ENTIRE SQUADS OF COWARDS in the time it takes to drop their hats. If only they could shoot the enemies that fast, what with their phenomenal accuracy when shooting their own men and all.

~~THEY'RE DICKS!!!!~~ *BLAM!* heresy!!!. ~~YOU SEE HE SHOT ME, WHAT A DICK!!!!!~~ QUIET, HERETIC!! *BLAM* *BLAM*

Reasonable Commissars

Reasonable Commissars do not execute those who flee. However, they do carry a potent stun-gun to bring down those who break ranks. Afterwards, the accused is brought before a military tribunal to judge what the appropriate punishment will be. Reasonably Hard Labor is a common punishment.

Reasonable Commissars can often be found in units operating alongside Reasonable Marines.

Reasonable Commissars only exist because there are Commissars who are *ahem* dicks...such as Commissar Jericho of the 8th Cadian Whiteshield division:

Lil' Timmy: "Commissar? My helmet won't fit. Can you please help me fasten it?"

Jericho: "IF YOU CANNOT FASTEN YOUR OWN HELMET, YOU'RE AN INEFFECTIVE SOLDIER! AN INEFFECTIVE SOLDIER IS THE SAME AS A HERETIC IN MY BOOK! SUMMARY EXECUTION FOR YOU!" *BLAM*

Jericho: "SO. ANY OF YOU OTHER CHILDREN WANT HELP WITH SOMETHING? WHAT ABOUT YOU, OLIVER? DO YOU STILL WANT MORE PORRIDGE? OH WAIT, YOU'RE DEAD! HAH! GET BACK TO FIGHTING YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SLIME!"

- from the records of Inquisitor Murtho

What not to do around a commissar

Unless you have a death wish (since you're drafted into the Guard, we already KNOW you have a death wish) these are the things you should avoid doing around your Commissar unless you want to be shot for a number of reasons:

Do not retreat until he says so.
Do not look like you will retreat before he says so.
Do not think about retreating before he says so.
Do not think about thinking of retreating before he says so.
Do not be incompetent in battle, he'll execute you for being useless.
Do not move too far away from a Commissar attached to your squad, he might think you are retreating without his command.
Do not fap to the women that are xenos, heretics, or mutants while in the field of battle... or outside.
Do not fap to human women either, he'll execute you on the grounds of heresy.
Do not fap AT ALL Because it is heresy.
Do not mock anyone in the upper command structure, social status and organizations, it's the same as treason.
Do not look at your commissar with a grimdark look, he'll assume you want to kill him.
Do not interrupt him while speaking, he'll execute you for the insubordination.
Do not worship the ruinous powers.
Do not look like you are worshipping the ruinous powers.
Do not think about worshipping the ruinous powers.
Do not think about thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
Do not think AT ALL or he'll think you are thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
Do not openly question his orders.
Do not suggest your orders are suicidal.
Do not mention that the Ministorum Priests are better motivators.
Do not mention that the sanctioned Psykers scare you more than him.
Do not mention that he is the most useless unit to have in a command squad.
Do NOT interrupt him while attempting to execute someone ~~unless you have a pretty good reason~~ as he'll execute you along with the one about to be executed.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge him or her in a western shootout. Why? Because they're *BLAM*

What to do around a Commissar

Do go into rage mode when around cultists
Praise him on a job well done when circumstances are right
Shine his laspistol when he isn't using it
Give him a blowjob
Charge towards Khorne Berserkers even if you don't want to
Bring him an Eldar Captive
When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step away from the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
When you are about to do something that can only be described as batshit insane and a Commissar's around suggest it to him, if you survive said suicide mission he'll probably favor you a bit, which probably means that might actually think about who's he shooting at.
If you're the guy at the wheel of a transport, DRIVE HIM/HER CLOSER! HE/SHE WANTS TO HIT THE ENEMIES OF THE EMPRAH WITH HIS/HER SWORD!
Prior to giving him wargear, make sure that you haven't cleaned it, most Commissars prefer the bloodstained wargear look.
Make sure you're the only man left in the squad other than the Commissar when retreating, the Commissar rulebook says that if the squad he/she is attached to only has one man left, he/she isn't allowed to make his face blow up because he'd end up looking stupid and it's a waste of ammo since there is nobody to inspire.
If the Commissar looks pissed read (or at least pretend to read) an Imperial Creed book or something, he can't shoot you because you're reading Imperial Creed stuff.

Notable Commissars

Colonel Schaeffer, not only is he reasonable but he is the most badass commissar to ever live.

Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt (Who?)
Commissar Yarrick
Commissar Ciaphas Cain HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!!!!
Commissar Fuklaw is tired of putting up with your heretical bullshit.
Commissar Dan
Commissar K59
Commissar Holt
Commissar Raege
Commissar Steve ~~DID HE JUST PUNCH A HOLE IN A FREAKIN' TANK?!~~ NO NEEDS MOAR GRIMDARK
Colonel Greiss Formerly a Commissar; became a conventional officer through necessity.
Commissar LORD Bernn (always put LORD in ALL CAPS -bold is optional-, not doing so is heresy.)
Commissar "Colonel" Schaeffer He had his arm shot off by a plasma gun AND GREW IT BACK, had his spine rebuilt after being crushed by a tank and made a full recovery, had his eyes replaced after his other ones were destroyed and has survived being thrown into suicide mission after suicide mission for over 300 years LIKE A BOSS, he gets down and dirty and is usually seen infront of his men in the battle rather then behind them. He's still brutal as fuck to deserters though.
Commissar Jaes "Jellyfish" Quallen. Fragile, stuttering, clumsy, prone to disease, about as intimidating as a wet kitten. His enlistment was a cruel wager between two of his rich aunts to see if he would survive. He barely made his commission as commissar, and he was discarded to the Catachan 217th infantry to get rid of him. And yet he's still alive today. What's more, he leads his men from the very front, utterly fearless when the jagged teeth of Chaos spawn (OH GOD NOOOOOOAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!! GRRAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!) are inches from his face, humming to himself in the middle of the shitstorm that is every battlefield. Atypical for a Catachan company, his men are quite loyal to him, well-liked for leading by example instead of inspiring fear behind the lines ... although they do tease him off-duty by playing keepaway with his hat.

Quotes

"Fear me ...but follow!"
"You can give the Emperor your loyalty, or I can take it from your corpse."
"What I cannot crush with words, I shall crush with tanks!!"
"Fear ensures loyalty! Where do you need me?"
"Trooper, the enemy may kill you, but if you try to run I will kill you!"
"It is our duty to muster the Guardsmen's courage and loyalty under fire and it is our duty to - GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!" *BLAM* *BLAM*
"WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO DIE?! 'CAUSE I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"
Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!
"Follow my example or I will MAKE YOU ONE!"
A compilation of some -if not all- of DowII Commissar quotes can be found: here.

Gallery

The real reason why Guardsmen do not revolt en masse
Commissars never let practicality get in the way of their awesomeness.
Kharn during his traitor commissar days with the Red Rivers traitor guardsmen.
Again, practicality is never a hindrance.
Why so serious? Let's put a smile on that there face..
Imperial Guard Promotion policy, you either get promoted or Blammed, no exceptions.
Commissar Dan on the blaze of glory run
Chink loev commissar
Rule 63 spares noone.
Commissar Yarrick by Chink
Commissar from the ill-fated /tg/ calendar project
Much Sexier Version
One of these is not like the others.
Imperial Guard, FUCK YEAH!
HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!
The Commissar is here to ensure your loyalty.
Squad morale restored.
Reasonable Commissars know that summary execution is not always needed to motivate anyone.
If you're wondering how she's "coping" with those things, don't ask us, for we have as good an idea as you do..
*BLAM*
Guardian of all imperial lolis.