Commissar Fuklaw

Commissar John Fuklaw is a commissar attached to the Angry Marines chapter, trained by Commissar Raege.

The Angry Marines have a Commissar because Fuklaw was too damn angry to be put anywhere else. After the Angry Marines saw him in action, they started recruiting from his homeworld. Since the Angry Marines are too skull-on-dick insane to retreat, he rarely has any problems with morale issues with them, and has adapted his role to inspire greater levels of rage in his comrades. In short, being out-done by a shiteating old man pisses the Angry Marines off to no end and drives them to fight even harder. To date, he is the ~~third~~ fourth commissar in Imperial history to join with an Adeptus Astartes chapter. The others being Yarrick, Dan, and Cain.

For extra laughs, read his lines in the voice of that crazy teacher with the eyeball from Daria.

Commissar's detailed biography can be found here.

Codex: Commissar Fuklaw 7th Edition

Name	Points	WS	BS	S	T	W	I	A	Ld	Sv	Unit Type	Composition
Commissar Fuklaw	150	6	3	3	4	3	3	3	10	4+	Infantry (Character)	1 (Unique)

((Why does he have near meq stats? Because he is that angry.))

Wargear

Carapace armor
Bolt pistol
Chainsword
Frag and Krak grenades
Twisted Lump of Metal/Iron Halo

Options:

His Chainsword may be upgraded to a "Master Fuck Fist", a master-crafted powerfist, for an additional +25 points.
may exchange his Bolt Pistol for another ranged weapon from the Ranged Weapons list. He may also exchange his Chainsword for another melee weapon from the Close Combat Weapon list.
may take items from the Special Wargear list.

Special Rules

Inspiring Rage!!!
It Will Not Die
Eternal Warrior
Honorary Angry Marine: Despite not undergoing the surgeries and treatments needed for a human to be a Space Marine, Fuklaw's inhuman rage for everything and savage combat skills has allowed him to match up Angry Marines in combat, cursing, and anger, a feat even most Astartes of other chapters cannot hope to match. Temperus Maximus, deeming that Fuklaw is: "PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH IN MY BOOK", has also allowed him to earn the respect of the Angry Marines, treating him as an equal, despite his non-Astartes status.

This rule counts Fuklaw as having the Angry Marine special rule.

FUCK YOU POSER: If two opposing armies include Commissar Fuklaw, those models, and the units they are attached to, must, if able, move to get into close combat with each other. Neither unit will retreat until one of Commissar Fuklaws (who is obviously an impostor) is killed.

FUCK HERETICS!: Such is the anger that Commissar Fuklaw has against xenos, mutants and heretics, that he and any unit led by him will fight with redoubled fury against these enemies of the Emprah (as far as Fuklaw is concerned, anyone opposing him is at least one of the three). Commissar Fuklaw, and any unit he is attached to, gains Hatred (everything).

DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!!!:

Before deployment commences, Commissar Fuklaw may commandeer any friendly non-walker vehicle, even those that normally do not transport models. The original occupants, if any, will have to walk. As long as Fuklaw is on board, the vehicle uses his profile for ranged combat, count as chariot, and must move at least 6" towards the closest enemy unit during its movement phase and attack in close combat if able. If commandeering a normally non-transport unit, Fuklaw cannot accompany a unit, and cannot disembark unless the vehicle is destroyed. When the vehicle is destroyed, it is removed as a casualty but Commissar Fuklaw walks away unscathed and will perform the last action he was doing before his vehicle was destroyed.

Fearless - Fuklaw is totally fucking fearless and never has to take Morale or Pinning tests. He confers this ability to any unit he joins, as they fear him more than any enemy.

Independent Character: Commissar Fuklaw is an independent character and follows all of the rules for characters in the Warhammer 40,000 rulebook. In addition, he cannot join a unit wearing Terminator armor, jump packs, or power feet.

Leader:

In addition to his rank of Commissar, Fuklaw is a leader of men. He will not carry out Summary Execution (as any units he joins becomes Fearless), but he will execute a Sanctioned Psyker subject to the It's For Your Own Good! rule. Same goes for Angry Marine Masters of Mindfuckery. Furthermore, Fuklaw may make a ranged attack against any friendly squad within 12" that fails a Morale check (even if he is embarked in a vehicle - if the vehicle normally does not carry troops, Fuklaw will fire its main weapon at his ballistic skill). If that attack kills at least one model, the unit counts as if it had passed the Morale check. If Fuklaw traded his ranged weapon for a close combat weapon, he may only execute squads that are 6" of him. This is due to the fact that close combat weapons generally aren't as lethal as they're meant to be while thrown.

The Hammer of the Emperor - Fuklaw brings back the blunt fury of the Emperor's hammer. Angry "Serfs" may be taken as troop choices.

Codex: Commissar Fuklaw 8th Edition (from Codex - Angry Marines 8th Edition)

Commissar John Fuklaw is a commissar serving with the Angry Marines, he holds the rare and distinguished honour within the Imperium for being one of the few non-Astartes and non-serf humans to serve with a Space Marine chapter. His assignment to the most belligerent Astartes chapter in the Imperium has nothing about the chapter's morale issues and more of it being the only place where his indiscriminate, seething anger can be handled and vented.

Commissar Fuklaw is now a very angry old fart with a Power arm, who has to use his Master-Crafted Chainsword as a cane and his Commissar-Cane when he walks, but he doesn't let this stop him. He likes long walks in the park murdering defenceless Eldar, driving/riding tanks to the shops (DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!!!) and evenings spent glaring at the moon/s until the moon looks away in fear or explodes from the undiluted RAGE being channelled at it. It is even said that he is looking for someone to spend his wrathful, twilight years with someone "THAT ISN'T ANOTHER COCK SUCKING ANGRY MARINE!!!" and can help him truly understand what it is like to share his hateful pursuits with someone else. Unfortunately, he will never succeed (which pisses him off, which also pleases him) as the only woman in the galaxy as angry and violent as him (who isn't a demon, or an Angry Marine in drag) is Ephrael Stern, and even she scares Fuklaw (also Stern doesn't go for guys who don't follow the path of the swole).

To compensate for this, Fuklaw has finally accepted the long-standing invitation to join Creed, commissar Yarrick and Sly Marbo for their weekly poker game, unofficially called “THE MANLIEST FUCKS IN THE GALAXY TO NOT WEAR POWER ARMOUR!!!”. He has not accepted the invitation up to this point because he’s still annoyed with Creed for turning his cigar into the barrel of a Baneblade (CREEEEEEEDDDDDDDD!!!), and Sly Marbo still refuses to pay Fuklaw the ten pounds he owes him for winning that staring competition (Sly Marbo still insists that it was actually the universe which blinked). Surprisingly, Fuklaw and Yarrick get on exceptionally well, as the two admire each other’s truck sized adamantium balls, that and the two were friends back when they were in the academy, if things had turned out differently it could have been Fuklaw running Armageddon....which is a scary thought. Fuklaw has accepted the invitation as long as they agree to use adamantium playing cards, as anything else would just burn out of sheer fear by being touch by him.

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Points
Commissar Fuklaw	4"	2+	3+	3	4	4	3	9	4+	130

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Death stare	3"	Pistol 1	4	-2	1	-
Commissar-Cane	18"	Assault 1	4	0	1	If the target is within half range, change this weapon's Type to Assault 2, and add 1 to this weapon's Strength, Damage.
Power arm that handles a Master-Crafted Chainsword	Melee	Melee	+2	-2	2	-

Composition: This unit contains only Commissar Fuklaw. (Power Rating 7)

Wargear:

Death stare (in the literal sense of the word.)
Commissar-Cane (a Master-Crafted Shotgun Cane.)
Power arm that handles a Master-Crafted Chainsword.
his old trusted Bolt pistol.

Abilities:

Honorary Angry Marine: Despite not undergoing the surgeries and treatments needed for a human to be a Space Marine, Fuklaw's inhuman rage for everything and savage combat skills has allowed him to match up Angry Marines in combat, cursing, and anger, a feat even most Astartes of other chapters cannot hope to match. Temperus Maximus, deeming that Fuklaw is: "PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH IN MY BOOK", has also allowed him to earn the respect of the Angry Marines, treating him as an equal, despite his non-Astartes status.

Fuklaw has the Angry Marine Keyword.

FUCK HERETICS! - Such is the anger that Commissar Fuklaw has against xenos, mutants and heretics, that he and any unit led by him will fight with redoubled fury against these enemies of the Emprah (as far as Fuklaw is concerned, anyone opposing him is at least one of the three).

you can re-roll any failed wound rolls in the Fight Phase for Friendly Imperium units that are within 6" of Fuklaw.

Twisted Lump of Metal: Fuklaw has a 5+ invulnerable save.

this old fart just will not die: each time Commissar Fuklaw is slain; place this model on its side instead of removing it. At the start of your next turn, roll a D6; on a 4+, he regains D3 wounds, and Fuklaw is placed as close to his previous position as possible while remaining more than 1" from any enemy models. if the roll is a 1,2 or 3 Fuklaw will not wake up before the battle is over (remove him as normal).

Aura of Fuklaw: Friendly (Angry Marines) units within 6" of Fuklaw can re-roll failed Morale tests and cannot suffer any negative modifiers to their Leadership characteristic.

BLAM! HERESY! - only Fuklaw is enough of a badass to execute Angry Marines: in the Morale phase, any Friendly Imperium units that is not a Character or a Vehicle, that are within 6" of Fuklaw, must make a Morale test regardless of whether it has lost models or not early that turn, and if it makes a roll of 6 (regardless of modifiers) will always result in at least one model being slain. In addition, If a Friendly Imperium Psyker unit, that has 3 or less wounds left (all the wounds each model has in the unit put together), suffers Perils of the Warp whilst within 6" of Fuklaw, they are also executed before anything untoward can happen - the power they were attempting fails, and the Imperium Psyker unit is slain as a result of Commissar Fuklaw's old trusted Bolt pistol to the head; units within 6" of them do not suffer D3 mortal wounds.

FUCK YOU POSER: If two opposing armies include Commissar Fuklaw, Commissar Fuklaw and all friendly units within 6" must target and move towards the enemy Fuklaw whenever they can, including declaring multiple charges to get through enemy units in front of Fuklaw to get to him. While the enemy Fuklaw is alive deaths caused by him and units within 6" of him are ignored for the Morale phase.

DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!!!: if Fuklaw is embarked on a Transport that is not a Flyer; In the Charge Phase, the Transport must try to charge the closest enemy unit if possible. In addition, in the Fight Phase, the Transport may make 3 additional attacks using Fuklaw's Weapon Skill and Strength characteristics and using his's melee weapon.

Faction Keywords: Imperium, Angry, (Angry Marines)

Keywords: Infantry, Character, Commissar, Angry Commissar, Fuklaw

NOTE

Commissar Fuklaw is uncircumcised. Also of Note is that Commissar Fuklaw ~~Lost his Penis fighting a Khorne Berserker. (more importantly that Berserker was Kharn, a pretty cool guy)~~ does not need a penis, because he has a badass fucking chainsword, so screw your inferior normal person genitals. Sex is but a distraction anyways.
- Fuklaw's penis is now one of the relics of Khorne (and one of the relics/favourite sex toys of Slaanesh whenever he/she/it/they can get their hands/orifices on it) as Fuklaw's penis is able to penetrate anything in the galaxy as "MY DICK'S AN AP1 WEAPON BITCH!!!".
Fuklaw throws the best Halloween parties.
Fuklaw is a fan of Nosferatu.
- Although vampires tell their children scary stories about Commissar Fuklaw hiding under their bed/coffin (this is sometimes even true, such vampires/necrons are never seen again).
Fuklaw's prefers Szechuan and Indian cuisine.
Fuklaw was purportedly a friend of Colonel Greiss. This appears to have carried on with his successor; Fuklaw and Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken are rumored go out drinking at a local Imperial Guard pub whenever they're in the same sector to exchange war stories and news. Fuklaw is even considering inviting Straken to join him, Creed, Yarrick and Sly Marbo for their weekly poker game, an invitation Straken has so far refused from Creed and Yarrick as he says that he will only accept an invitation from Sly Marbo.
Commissar Fuklaw was made by a drawfag called Gannadene (or Plague of gripes).
Besides the staring competition Fuklaw won against Sly Marbo he has also beaten him in several games of "destroy a moon by just glaring at it" (Marbo took 1.423 seconds while Fuklaw only took 1.152 seconds) and numerous drinking competitions, although Marbo insists that Fuklaw cheated as his digestive system is actually a miniaturised combustion engine.
Few Guard regiments actually met the standards placed by Fuklaw when he was assigned to them. Though, these were only first impressions. Within mere DAYS of him joining said regiments, they would later become some of the finest soldiers that ever served the Imperium of Man, even if most only retained one third of their original numbers.
He supposedly died in 7th edition, but returned when 8th came out. Apparently some mistakes were made, and several medical officials were given a stern reminder about accurate assessments of Imperial commanders (especially from those strangling your senior because of YOUR mistake, mind you). He's now helping the displaced Cadians recover lost numbers and helping the Angry Marines hunt down select champions from Abbadon's assault in the Eluysium Fields. Oh yeah, and sorting out those recovering from Cadia's fall with a laspistol.

Gallery

Commissar Fuklaw in all his glory.
Not as planned, bitches.
Fuklaw no liek LCB.
The "Drive Me Closer" rule in practice.
Fuklaw practicing for a surfing contest.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
What? You don't like something?
I'm thinkin' heresy.
"Life and Death of John Fuklaw" soon in theaters! Fuklaw played by Clint Eastwood.
Nurgle's Greater Daemons are no match!
Watching this cartoon is endorsed by your local Morale Officer.
On a scale of angry to PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY, the Commissar is scoring pretty high today.
Pretty much the man in a nutshell.