Archaon

The Everchosen, Lord of the End Times, Chaos Incarnate, Herald of the Apocalypse, Warlord of the forces of Chaos United, Scourge of the Empire.

He is Archaon... and he is not a fun guy to be around.

(Archaon, back in the early days of Warhammer Fantasy)

He started out as a devout servant of Sigmar, just as Failbaddon started out a good guy. That's about where the similarities end. One day Archaon, after a long day of being a bad-ass, decided to do a little light reading. Finding a little book whose cover caught his interest, he flipped through the pages. This book being, of course, completely evil. When Archaon saw the horrible blasphemies contained in the book, he flew into a RAGE! This rage was so intense, that even in another universe, the Angry Marines felt a disturbance unlike any they had ever felt before. Their rage was NOTHING compared to Archaon. He then proceeded to slaughter his family, renounce his name, and take off into the Chaos Wastes. He was then chosen to be the Everchosen of Chaos.

Accomplishments

He, by sole fact of being a badass, did what no other Everchosen could do. He gathered all of the Treasures of Chaos,in the process defeating hundreds of monsters in pitch dark, stole the horse Dorghar (steed of the apocalypse) from Agrammon, resisting the visage of Slaanesh, killed a Bloodthirster with its own whip, resisted every disease that Nurgle could throw at him, made it through a maze designed by Tzeentch, and then led the most ferocious and largest army of Chaos Warriors against the Empire. He fought and beat his counterpart Valten, who managed to kill Dorghar and smash Archaon's armor before losing (the Chaos warriors need to get around to stealing Ghal Maraz). And then the Mary Sue orc warlord Grimgor headbutted him in the junk. Since then, he has seemingly disappeared, and is supposedly gathering his forces for another attack.

However GW has retcon the Invasion, he's still amassing his army so take 2, if it ever happens might be different (double since the good guys were winning so badly the only reason Archaon was pushing them back was due to plot).

So far, he also has the distinction of being the first non-Northman Everchosen. As his predecessors, Morkar the Uniter and Asavar Kul, are a Norseman and a Kurgan, respectively. So far, the only race that hasn't produced an Everchosen are the Hung. But GW seems to have forgotten that the Hung exist (or are secretly racist against Asian people Kurgans are Turks you fucking newfag Kurgans are girly French lawyers.)

Things for Archaon to do

-Find that orc who blindsided him and make him pay

-Find a way to bring orcs back to life, so he may torture, then kill, that damn orc again

-Repeat until bored (might take a while)

-By the time he's done, time will have flown by, say, about 40,000 years

-Find Abaddon, beat him to death with his own arms, and assume command so that Chaos might actually get something done

-Convert his chaos armor into chaos power armor Why would I swap my Chaos Plate for inferior protection? I said convert; weld some bolters to your gauntlets, attach a Las cannon to crotch plate, mount a basilisk on your helmet or your bicycle. I don't know, use your imagination Archy.

-Find a way to bring the Norse with him. How is he gonna accomplish anything with power armoured emos as his soldiers?

-Start spreading Chaos the only way he knows how, at the tip of his sword, no more pussyfooting around chaos

-March on Holy Terra itself

-Beat the Tyranids into submission, then use them against the Imperium

-Out cheese the Gay Knights Oh, come now, I can already do this.There is NEVER enough Cheese!!

-Beat the shit out of Gay Knights, so Chaos may have its long waited revenge

-Give Daemonettes their missing boobs (and actually make them attractive again)

-Kill the Tau

-Kill the Eldar

-Kill the Dark Eldar, he doesn't care that they are evil, he's more evil

-Kill the Necrons. Then kill them again, and again, and again, until they stop coming back from dead.

-Unleash all C'Tan Shards, and then kill them all.

-Kill the Orks (in memorium of his old friend Grimgor)

-Pimp slap Valkia the Bloody, so that she may finally learn a hoe's place.

-Have a drink with Wulfrik. This'll be tough, since Wulfrik can down seven barrels of mead in one sitting. And when you also factor in that the Northmen mix their mead with warpstone-dust, Beastman blood and Chaos-infected plants, it becomes nearly impossible to outdrink Wulfrik.

-Teach Sigvald how to be a real man. (Dark Gods, this is probably the hardest thing on my list.)

• • Mmmm, I look... forward to your instruction, Lord Archaon. - Sigvald
    • PISS OFF YOU INBRED FAGGOT!

-Kill Games Workshop for the new Chaos Lord model. What the fuck is it with them and their inability to sculpt good heads?

-Kill Games Workshop again for not updating Chaos Marauder models. Seriously, they look terrible.

-Kill Games Workshop AGAIN for trying to own the term "Space Marine" and bullying a bunch people who use the term and don't have the money to fight back.

-Take control of Games Workshop and lower the prices of all boxes and models by 20%. Seriously, 40 eurobucks for 10 Elf scouts?

-Defeat Davros in ham to ham combat (Are you insane? Not even I can do that!)

-Break the news to the Graeling tribe that Haargroth's dead. (sigh) I miss him already. First order of business is obviously to recover his body, where ever that asshole Ar-Ulric left it. Then we're gonna give him the best Northman funeral ever. We're gonna get the biggest longship we can find, then place him on it atop the mountain of the corpses he made on the siege, under a barrow, then let the longship sail on a river of blood, and then we'll burn it. I'll fire the arrow myself. And then I'll carve the tale of his life on his Chaos Monolith with my own two hands.

• Amendment: Kill the bastard Ar-Ulrc Emil Valgeir who did that. But keep him alive long enough to watch me walk into the Flame of Ulric and kill his weak god.

-Find out where that fuck-up Styrkaar got to. And then bitch-slap him for his incessant partying which ruined his plans. All-mighty King of the Vargs my ass.

-Find out where Feytor fucked off to.

-Leave Crom with Sylvania. Price for his weakness...

On the tabletop

In an interesting irony, though probably not intentional, Archeon is also in a lot ways the opposite of Abaddon, not in a bad way. Where as Abaddon tends to get changed fairly heavily each edition, Archeon stays the same with each book, with the only changes to him being armor save's not including bonus for him being mounted or whether or not you can field him on foot. Also, where as Abaddon is characterized by his hitting power, while being respectably tough to kill, Archeon hits hard (base attack ignores armor and can double attacks for the rest of the game, though if does any 1s on to hit rolls have to be directed at him or his unit), but his most impressive trait is how freaking hard he is to kill. While his statline is only slightly better than a normal Chaos lord, he has a 1+ armor save, a 3+ ward save, all to hit rolls against him have a minus 1 and he can't be wounded on better than 3+. Sadly, while an indestructible death machine, his cost keeps him from getting much use.