Emperor's To-Do List

The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection

This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up.

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the Adeptus Custodes happens to have this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, and had a good breakfast.

Rules for new entries

1: Learn to spell, this is the Emperor's sacred list, not the toilet paper roll of an illiterate five year old.

2: Keep crossovers to a minimum, especially dumb ones. Before you make it, ask yourself "can it be funny without referencing non-warhammer stuff?" If the answer is yes, don't make the reference.

3: Read through the damn list before repeating the same damn thing over again, having five entries all asking for the same thing is stupid. Read it? Read it again!

4: Learn to be funny and not painfully annoying, jokes are fine, bad jokes are not, before you show us your wit, tell it to some friends and see if they laugh.

5: Avoid excessive strike-throughs and blamming as it makes it hard for all of us to read.

6: Anyone who declares a state of anarchy or refers to this article as a "thread" will be shot, dragged out behind the barnyard, beaten severely, run over with a Baneblade, then shot again. .

7: If you can't make jokes, then put some effort to make an insightful or interesting submission. Think about what the God-Emperor would actually do when he wakes up to the sight of a regressing civilization.

8: Do edit these rules.

9: FOR THE ETERNAL GLORY OF CHA (cough) umm, I MEAN THE EMPEROR

10: Do not edit these rules if you are a FILTHY HERETIC

The Holy List (in no particular order)

"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."

The joke is that the Emperor of Mankind is truly and honestly a hero,(OR IS HE?!?!?)(No, he wasn't, he was a liar, a tyrant and a galactic asshole who sought authoritarian dominion over all Humanity (but still was a far more honest and heroic leading figure of Man than what the slaves of Chaos would have you believe).) HERESY!*BLAM* but in his absence the people running the Empire are corrupt and GRIMDARK. Thus the "improvements" of this list by the Adeptus Custodes and the Commissars of the Imperial Guard.

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1. Scratch my nose.
2. Scratch my everything.
3. Punch everyone in the face.
4. Roll around on the floor.
5. Scream really loud.
6. Get some tacos.
7. Become CEO and majority shareholder of Games Workshop.
8. Execute and then replace its upper level employees and management.
9. Clone Creed and make him commander of everything.
10. Kick that Star Wars Emperor's arse.
11. Find Dorn, and beat the living fuck out of him because his spiky Iron Halo popped my eye.
12. Hand his so called 'Imperial Guards' over to the Angry Marines
13. Then hand his entire military over the Angry Marines to use to decorate every chainsword in the galaxy with their guts
14. Build a new Death Star, I want a Death Star, dammit!
    1. Scratch that, Get Titan Converted into a new Starkiller base. Fuck, The Grey knights would be good enough, but keep it away from the rest of the Inquisition
       1. Important note: Stick a void shield on the thing!
15. Take a shower, I smell worse than a plague marine at this point.
16. Brush my teeth, because at this point, my halitosis could probably qualify for Exterminatus.
17. Fix my fucked up face.
18. Find Magnus, and spank him until his buttocks are in the infrared spectrum for ruining everything.
19. Drive around the M25 in a car so fast I dig a trench around London by friction
20. Table an Eldar player by turn 2 in an equal points game (it's possible, I've just done it!!!(bitches))
21. Recruit black guardsmen/ bolter bitches.
22. Look at list and reorganize priorities, some items lower on the list are more important than higher ones.
23. Eat something other than psykers, seriously I need to eat more carbohydrates.
24. Scratch that itch that has been bugging the shit out of me for the last 10,000 years.
25. Eat a live Carnifex without the aid of sauces.
26. Eat another live Carnifex with the aid of sauces.
27. Turn yet Another Carnifex into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last Carnifex that doesn't fear me.
28. Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon. That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub. Hiveships, once dreaded, now become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
29. Wash it all down with a glass of soda and Amasec.
30. Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Workshop.
31. Destroy the enemies of the Imperium.
32. Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than "Hey-Diddle-Diddle-Straight-Up-The-Middle."
33. Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps the Dark age of Technology left us. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
34. Replace the Imperial Guardsmen Lasguns with something that can actually do shit. Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles and Gauss Flayers HELL YEA!!!!!
35. Get a militarum codex for all the Segmenta and make Militarum Solar entirely from Adeptus Custodes in Necrodermis. Beat that, Matthew Ward!!!
36. Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition dudes, Sororitas, Commissars... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and then let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
37. On that note find a way to bring Kaldor Draigo from the warp I need him because he Gets Shit Done!
38. Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. after the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
39. Outangry Angron, outsex Fulgrim, outfortify Perturabo, outwit Magnus, outpreach Lorgar,outeat Russ and... I'll think of something Mortarion is good at that won't make me want to puke and beat him at it. Oh wait, huffing deadly poisons.
40. Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
41. Show Slaanesh my dick and watch as he kills him/her/itself because of envy! If he doesn't, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
42. Hug Papa Nurgle and remain pure.
43. Get Isha out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. Just as Planned.
44. Seduce Isha, just to prove I can, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed.
45. Fuck Isha so hard that every Eldar is gonna feel their asses sore. Also make sure to livestream it!
46. Give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
47. Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
48. Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
49. Then do the same thing to Commander Puretide
50. And then Imotekh the Stormlord
51. Then get Creed, Imotekh, Puretide, Aetos'Rau Keres, The Swarmlord and Kairos instated as the new Eggheads
52. Outdick Eldrad. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again. At the same time.
53. Go back in time and tell the dumb fuck at Workshop Matthew Ward who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
54. Make a Total War version of warhammerDone. Make a Total War version of Warhammer 40k.
55. Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
56. Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody
57. Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
58. Go on a deer-hunting trip with some Vindicare and bag more kills than him using MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
59. Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
60. Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
61. Outbrood a Culexus Assassin and still remain awesome.
62. Deceive the C'tan false GabeN "The Deceiver" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
63. Find the C'tan called "The Outsider" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
64. Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
65. Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
66. Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
67. Then beat it in 4
68. Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks? I heard that an old fart by the name of Karamazov has a dreadnought as a chair...
69. Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started Better idea, make myself a fucking Imperator Titan as my Dreadnought backup plan
70. Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
71. Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program(no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
72. Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space Viking, Leman Russ, and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
73. Prove the existence of the Alpha Legion.
74. Get those two exiled legions back again, they've blasted enough Tyranids in other galaxies by now!
75. Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process
76. Invent a more reliable warp drive in order to...
77. Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire.
78. Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just one unit as a scout, I field an ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts.
79. Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout.
80. Recognize the Legion of the Damned for their awesomeness and badassery.
81. Challenge Sly Marbo to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
82. Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only an angry glare.
83. Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again.
84. Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword more original than The Burning Blade.
85. Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Swords!!!
86. GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD? Also, how the fuck none grew in 10 fucking thousand years?
87. Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
88. Throw a WAAAGH
    1. Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH.
    2. Aim said WAAAGH at the Necrons/Tyranids.
    3. Bring a camera.
    4. ???
    5. PROFIT.
89. Find Lion El'Jonson and get him back on the front line owning shit.
90. Resurrect Rogal Dorn/Rogal Dorn's hand, find him and stitch it back on.
91. Visit Roboute Guilliman and tell him to hurry the fuck up and fully heal.
92. Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the Angry Marines, Manly Marines and those other guys canon.
93. Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread-titan ain't ready yet.
94. Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel.
95. Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
96. Promote Cypher to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent than any of the puny humans that get to that rank, and seems more reliable then Lion El'Jonson.
97. Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of Commorragh under the table, and then kick PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
98. Kill a bunch of Dark Eldar and steal their souls, while waving bitch-slapping my dick in Slaanesh's face.
99. Proceed to turn the remnants of Commorragh into a family friendly theme/waterpark called EMPRA LAND! Featured attractions: Blam the Xenos, Hot Heretic and Dismember the Deamon!
100. Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
101. Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
102. Make the Ultramarines stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
103. Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a GabeN would suck so hard?
104. Redesign the power armor pauldrons. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. Also, I can't fucking scratch my neck without smashing my head. While I'm at it, find out why the fucking hell I thought that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
105. Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see wannabe Horuses try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
106. Invent a power staircase.
107. Resurrect Malcador the hero and give him a shiny medal for his troubles.
     1. On second thought, better make it two shiny medals.
     2. We're talking REALLY shiny, here.
     3. It's like, damn son.
     4. So shiny.
108. Congratulate Failbaddon for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp.
109. Use Time machine to bring Archaon into the 41st millennia and watch him beat Abbadon with with his own arms and take his place so I may have a worthy opponent.
110. Boot Cato Sicarius into the eye of terror and get Captain Titus to lead the 2nd company.
111. Surf a flying leviathan.
112. Surf an Emperor-Class Titan
113. Surf the energy beam from an overcharges VOLCANO CANNON, THAT ORBITAL SPIRE IS GOING DOWN!!!
114. Get Forge World to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
115. Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
116. Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
117. Make Commissar Yarrick into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
118. Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
119. Resurrect Ibram Gaunt and restore Tanith for him and his "Tanith First (and Only)". HE'S STILL ALIVE DAMNIT!
120. Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
121. Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
122. Finally win a game of Paradox Poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
     1. Invent a translator for the hive mind so it doesn't sound like a thousand mental patients gargling a million nails in motor oil and weird syntax and can become a regular player.
     2. Privatize said translator and form a secret alliance with the Hivemind, and then talk shit about the others behind their backs (after making sure the translator works two ways).
123. Organize my birthcentury party. It's gonna be an awesome party that'll last 10,000 days!
124. Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
125. Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, causing him to explode.
126. Figure out how to tell my man bitches to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a magma cannon or something badass...
127. Re-cushion the golden throne.
128. Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on Hiveworld planets.
129. Beat Abaddon with his own arms.
130. Recharge my iAuspex.
131. Beat Matt Ward and C.S. Goto over the head with their crappy works
132. Tell the Black Templars to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
133. Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
134. Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
135. Fetch Badassius his coat.
136. Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
137. Challenge Doomrider into a space coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
138. Convince Doombreed to allow a model of himself to be made.
139. Get a haircut. Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
140. Have a trip over to the dentist.
141. Exterminatus Equestria
142. Beat Chuck Norris with his own legs
143. Start an intergalactic fast food chain. (Empy's Empanada's)
144. Invent a time machine.
145. Guarantee that Magnus won't fuck up my invention again. Rip his eye out and beat him to death with it.
146. Use the time-machine to drink Leman Russ under the table.
147. Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
148. Assign a Primarch to the Angry Marines
149. Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
150. Find my driver's license and look up own name.
151. Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
152. Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the years decades centuries fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
153. Make galaxy wide web and ban Lord Commissar from every thing.
154. Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
155. Invent a website called 40000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL trolls that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
156. Outangry a Angry Marine
157. Outpretty a Pretty Marine
158. Outfap Faptau in a furry challenge.
159. Utterly destroy all furfaggotry. (Space wolves not included!)
160. Beat myself in arm-wrestling with only one arm.
161. Beat Commissar Fuklaw in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
162. Tell the Blood Ravens to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
163. Satisfy Shlicktau to the point were she no longer wants to shlick.
164. Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
165. Pimp the Golden Throne so that I may score even more bitches.
166. Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
167. Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
168. Turn off my nightlight. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Well, no big deal I guess.
169. Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
170. Build a gold fortress at the centre of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
171. Become human parasite.
172. Go back in time, beat entire GW executive board over the head with a power bat and then give the Warhammer 40000 Licence to someone willing to do a good job of it.
173. Scratch that, go back in time, resurrect THQ and tell them to make five more Space Marine games
174. Punch Mork in the balls, with Gork's severed fist.
175. Demote Creed and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
176. Beat Swarmlord and mindfuck Hive Mind
177. Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
178. Get Andy Chambers BACK!!!
179. Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a ripoff of Gears of War/Starcraft in the balls with Powerfeet. Then send the Angry Marines in.
180. Beat Matt Ward to death with C.S. Goto.
181. Beat C.S. Goto to death with Matt Ward's corpse.
182. Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
183. Resurrect Sanguinius.
184. Resurrect Ferrus Manus.
185. Find Leman Russ, Corvus Corax, Jaghatai Khan and Vulcan then get their asses back to battlefield.
186. Tell the Dark Angels I forgive them so they stop being emo and ambiguously heretical, and they can get back to kicking the asses of my enemies
187. Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
188. Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
189. Then do it again.
190. Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list!
191. Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere...
192. ...then Virus Bomb said area......
193. Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
194. Congratulate Vance Motherfucking Stubbs.
195. Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armor set is just SO 10 millennia ago.
196. Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
197. Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard. Commissars get Terminator Armor.
198. Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "GabeN Emperor Class Super Titan".
199. Play Matt Ward in a game of Warhammer 40K. Let him build the ultimate broken Ultramarines/Grey Knights army. Destroy him in the first round with a Sisters of Battle army.
200. Go back in time and reduce the prices at Games Workshop.
201. Unfuck the galaxy (again).
202. Adopt Cultist-Chan. Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
203. Find a Tarrasque and make it my personal pet.
204. Commend Captain Titus for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes. Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
205. Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries.
206. Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
207. Write a best-selling autobiography.
208. Buy a shop-vac and drain Khorne's lake of blood. Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry. Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable rage as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.
209. Tell everyone to cheer up. The universe is depressing enough, I don't need an entire empire worth of wangst.
210. Create a chastity belt out of necrodermis and put it on Slaanesh. Then create a matching ballgag and shackles in case the fucker might get creative. This won't get kinkier, won't it?
211. Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us.
212. Weaponize a vuvuzela and beat a Noise Marine with it.
213. Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
214. Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
215. Disband the Ultramarines Chapter and show Matt Ward what has been done as part of the torture.
216. Revive the Squats.
217. Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse.
218. Resurrect Horus again and beat him to an inch away from death, then put him in life support/stasis for 10,000 years and make sure he feels every second of it- lets see how he likes being in agony for countless millenia.
219. Teach the Adeptus Mechanicus there is no such thing as machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more. See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses. Then shit an Imperial Palace worth of bricks as the Void Dragon takes over everything and the Age of Strife happens all over again.
220. Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
221. Give the remaining Lamenters a hug. They deserve it.
222. Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
223. Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
224. Find a way to build Blackstone Fortresses.
225. Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan.
226. Bring back Warhammer Wednesday.
227. Make a 40K version of Blood bowl.
228. Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport.
229. Invite the Eldar, Chaos and the Ork forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game. Just as planned.
230. Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the fight, like he did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
231. Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in.
232. Train the commissars to stop executing their own men and start executing Furries instead.
233. Officially recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
234. Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of Simo Hayha that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
235. Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
236. Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
237. Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests.
238. Reintroduce the Imperial Truth, but this time, inform my citizens and soldiers of the dangers of Chaos and how to prevent it from infecting them.
239. Overhaul the Imperial Guard's stance on martial justice. If I happen to catch a Commissar shooting a recruit out of a meaningless quibble, I will beat him with my bare fists and he will have to be permanently accompanied by a servo-skull equipped with a colostomy bag. Commissar reasonable agrees
240. Research ways to prepare Orks as a palatable substitute for Corpse Starch rations, much like the ancient Terran food product "Quorn." Would also increase morale among common soldiers, as they would treat a WAAAGH like a Grox dinner with Amasec on legs.
241. Find way to make bolt-mounted power field generators feasible? Perhaps I should look at the Angry Marines' Adamantine Sack of Power Doorknobs...
242. Place an Imperial edict forbidding the use of Baroque and Gothic architecture. Who knows how many resources were spent gilding those fucking stupid space cathedrals?
243. Use a hive city as a tooth pick.
244. Make a new edition of Epic Armageddon.
245. Try to domesticate some Tyranids so that we can ride them like war horses or some shit. I don't think it will work (then again the Orks managed to do it) but I just want to see if we can manage it. Besides even if it doesn't work it will probably be a fun experience (assuming nobody gets eaten).
246. Crush Doomrider into a fine powder and snort him.
247. Party with Pedro Kantor and promote him to Imperial Fist primarch.
248. Invent a way to make female marines, and give them all to the Crimson Fists. Those poor bastards need it.
249. Introduce the Angry Marines to megaphones.
250. Establish the Adeptus Astartes Legions once again and rewrite the Codex Astartes to emphasize tactical and strategic flexibility. Arrange a checks and balances system similar to the Iron Hands for the purposes of chapter administration. Those who protest this action will be redirected to the complaints department, which happens to be located on my power fist.
251. DESIGN AND MAKE NEW SHIT (Mechanicus won't/can't do it, fucking toaster fuckers)
252. Give a Honey Badger power armor and use it as a weapon.
253. Name said Honey Badger Chapter Master of the Angry Marines. They're gonna love it.
254. Build a Tank to crush a MOTHERFUCKING BANEBLADE.
255. Give it to Yarrick as a present.
256. Invent Krak-Grenade Tennis with Thunder Hammers for rackets.
257. Invent Krak-Grenade Baseball with Thunder Hammers for bats.
258. Invent Krak-Grenade Cricket with Thunder Hammers for bats.
259. Invent Krak-Grenade Golf with Thunder Hammers for clubs.
260. Beat Da Squig in a Baneblade race.
261. Declare Tank Motorsports as an official sport.
262. Amass a fleet of a million ships and finish kicking the shit out of everything else in the galaxy.
263. Bring back the Enslavers. Then enslave them.
264. Make a Baneblade the size of a Emperor Titan.
265. Make a Titan the size of a Emperor class battleship.
266. Make a Emperor Class battleship the size of a World Engine.
267. Steal Necron starships. Traveling the galaxy without warp drives? Fuck yeah, I want that!
268. Learn how to make Tyranid calamari.
269. Learn how to make Tyranid Tika Masala.
270. Play hide and seek with Sly Marbo and with the Tanith First (and Only) guys. It'll be interesting to see why they can't find the deity of Mankind who wears Golden Power Armour.
271. Declare Catachan Exploding Turtles (dubbed "Mine Turtles" by the local populace) an endangered species. Seriously, these things explode all over the fucking place.
272. Find a way to get a truce with the Eldar and/or Tau Empire, then throw a galaxy and webway-wide party with said allies
273. Outlaw the appellations Empy, Emprah, Big E and so on. Not addressing me with my real name is Heresy!
274. I the Big E Emprah of the imperium and Empy of man revert the last part of the list *BLAM* Who's next? I LIVE AS THE EMPY BIG E OF MAN. THE GREATEST EMPRAH
275. Turn a hiveworld into a massive brothel.
276. Dissolve the Ecclesiarchy. I hate those creepy fucks.
277. Ask Officio Assassinorum about drugs they using on Eversors, then start selling it in Commorragh. If you can't defeat them, make money on them, I always say that
278. After my Imperial Dealers completely take over the city, have them kick dark eldar as back to hell where they belong.
279. Then fill this place with so much sex, drugs and gambling that it will put Las Vegas Dicky Drubby to shame.
280. And there will be daemonettes serving drinks, or you can call me "Emprah"
281. Open a zoo with rhinos in metal cages. Any visitors will be executed as heretics.
282. Encourage creative thinking, like "there is better way to use guardsmen than suicidal wave" or "not everyone is heretic and need to be destroyed" among my forces
283. Pay orks to make me another life-sustaining device. As long they believe it works, it works - because it's really piss me off that MOST POWERFUL PSYCHIC in the whole space can't keep himself in shape.
284. Hire a squad of orks, then order them to loot vehicles of other races - soon the looted-monoliths and looted-mantas will conquer the world
285. Pay a visit to Tau, then show them the meaning of old terran saying "better dead than red". Or blue, in that case. Blue-faced reds are enough blasphemy in MY GALAXY
286. Get off the damn throne and find something suitable to wipe my own ass ..... ohh look a Grey Knight.
287. Lure every furry to an unused planet using Faptau and Shlicktau as bait, then utilize any form of Exterminatus, thus solving the galaxy-wide furry problem.
288. Send a whole fucking legion of speesh mareeens to Mars and get them to finally clear out all the rogue robots from thousands of years ago living in the catacombs below Mars.
289. Realize my mistakes as a father and further realize that my sons have actual emotions and stabbing them in the back/humiliating them/letting those with obvious problems lead legions of dedicated killers might not have been the best idea so I know what to do when I make Primarch Project, Part two.
290. Time travel back to watch all the Star Trek shows to learn about how a sensible intergalactic empire should work Actually, on second thought, that is a terrible example of how to run a galactic empire, I'll find something else.
291. Launch a cross dimensional crusade to destroy all CHAKATS!
292. Hire the Atraxi to blow up a planet, but only give them 19 minutes to do so.
293. Steal all of Trazyn's artifacts leaving behind a note with kindest regards.
294. ENGAGE HIVE MIND IN PHYSIC DUEL
     1. USE PHYKER-DESTROYING-FINISHING MOVE. RANGE: GALAXY!
     2. FIX THE REST OF THE PSYKERS IN THE GALAXY, One Howling was bad enough.
     3. Re-learn how to spell psyker, and psychic. I invented those words, dammit!
295. Beat up Khorne while dressed as Slaanesh.
296. Bleach memory of having dressed as Slaanesh from brain.
297. Rebuild the Avatar of Khaine from the 2 Bajillion Pieces, then lock him and Slaanesh in a cage. Shatter whoever lives into 4 Bajillion Pieces, and hide the 4 Bajillion Pieces with Creed.
298. Challenge a Dreadnought to a fist fight.
299. Stand on the bow of a Battle Barge and shout "Fly me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!"(Destination:Eye of Terror, Targets:Chaos Gods)
300. Throw Space Wolves an Ultramarine bone; quality family time.
301. Play laser tag with flashlights.
302. Bring back Konrad Curze, fix his brain, and then get him to explain what he was rambling on about just before he died.
303. Clone Judge Dredd and use said clones to replace the Adeptus Arbites.
304. Create a training system for the Imperial Guard so my citizens are more effective than glorified meat shields.
305. Create a Chapter of Space Marines made up of only Pariahs just to troll Tzeentch.
306. Give some nice relics to the Celestial Lions to help them rebuild. Inform Inquisitors that a loyal Space Marines chapter complaining about an Exterminatus after the chapter has taken out the actual heretics is no reason to get all pissy. Send the Inquisitors that got all upset about that into a Ork WAAAGHHH! to look for Ork Snipers.
307. Replace the Imperial Guard's vehicles after chassis that weren't considered obsolete by World War II in exchange for stuff that's more functional. Also find out why the hell I thought that was a smart idea in the first place.
308. Improve ship design so that time and resources aren't wasted putting details on making the sides of the ship look like cathedrals and including over-sized figureheads that serve no practical use.
309. Kill Chuck Norris and disprove all the "facts" about him, they have no place in the Imperial Truth.
310. Make the Space Wolves to be accompanied by Sabaton Amon Amarth as they play 24/7.
311. Make an ironically underpowered Codex: Matt Ward.
312. Rewrite the sisters of battle codex. My bitches need some love.
313. Build a Fucking anti-grav hammerhead baneblade combo.
314. Tell Dorn and Perturabo to kiss and make up.
315. Get my wallet back from the blood magpies.
316. Steal Ahriman's library card.
317. Bring Carron back, and lock him in a METAL BAWKS as a prison.
318. Become an Ork because Orks are the biggest and the strongest. And have the intelligence of a sack of frog spawn? Hell no!
319. Go to Mars, punch the Void Dragon back to Terra, teleport to Terra and punch it back to Mars. Afterwards go ask the Mechanicus where's their Machine GabeN.
320. make a deal with the Hive Mind to eat everything except the Imperium.
     1. breed giant carnifex to eat the eye of Terror.
     2. give the jeanstealer some jeans.
321. Resurrect Hitler so i can shove my fist in his face as i yell I MADE A GALACTIC EMPIRE THAT'S LASTED OVER 10,000 YEARS. YOURS DIDN'T EVEN LAST 15
322. Then make him Heil ME.
323. Get my hands on some Ethereal pheromones, then use them to get the Tau to join the Imperium, just as planned. Then sterilize those weebs as a taste of their own medicine.
324. Lead a live re enactment of D-Day using guardsmen and cultists.
325. Put a stop to Chuck Norris jokes, they ceased being funny long ago, and Chuck Norris is FAIL.
326. Glue my model of Abaddon's arms on, rip the real Abaddon's arms off and proceed to beat him to death with them.
327. Resurrect Horus for round 2 and FUCK HIM UP...... More than last time. Oorah.
328. Tell Games Workshop that fucking axes aren't unwieldy! Seriously, how are fucking augmented super humans in fucking powered armor in any way slowed by a slightly heavy fucking stick?!
329. Destroy the metaphorical shark so that no franchise can ever jump it again.
330. Throw Michael Grade into a woodchipper. Then have the wood chipper dismantled and melted into slag for getting Michael Grade's filth (I.E, any piece of him) on it.
331. Learn the Doctor's real name.
332. Catch em all.
333. Rip off a Stompa's "Super Scorcha" and use it to make Tyranid toast. Because i'm just so damn hungry after counting the dead bodies.
334. Steal skulls from khorne's throne and taunt an'ggrath with them as I teleport back to terra.
335. Go to sleep. What? I'm fucking sleepy and I have not had a descent sleep in ages.
336. Drop that hole Latin/High Gothic thingy as an official language, seriously WTF was I thinking when naming Adeptus Mechanicus, Astartes and Astra Militarum.
337. Make my own animation studio to make adaptations of anime based on manga that didn't get finished.
338. Use profits as part of my ongoing plan to become majority shareholder of Google.
339. Put an end to youtube's copyright policy, then find those asshats that put came up with it and make them eat their own bones.
340. Watch TV
341. Fuck some shit up
342. Fuck some sluts up
343. Firebomb /mlp/ Seriously, I dont fucking care about MLP but that board is pure NOPE.
344. Get some 'nids and let them rip those fucking PETA douche bags to fucking mincemeat.
345. Fap
346. Fap
347. Fap
348. Fap
349. Fuck some more sluts up. Oh yeah.
350. Get some Taco Bell.
351. Close McDonalds.
352. Watch the last airbender (Anime series not the fucking m night shyamalan peice of shit).
353. Kill M. Night Shyamalan and piss on his corpse
354. Make melta explosives that can be fired from missile launchers, I'm sick of having to always get in the enemy's face to use metla weapons.
355. Get the internet to shut up about Call of Duty(this does include any other ones as well),.I'm,(No everyone else with a life) is sick of hearing about it
356. Out tank astra with a rhino, because why not?!
357. give orks something that can make a loud noise and can finally do shit.
358. Release the Kraken and after it has finished destroying the enemies of Mankind, proceed to turn it into calamari.
359. Eat pie, I like pie.
360. Check progress on Grey Knight attempts to cross-breed Saiyans and Kryptonians for any females.
361. Marry said females, that will scare off that scary Empress bitch.
362. Sort out the contradictions in this list. Thing's a fucking mess.
363. Commit fraud.
364. Disband the Church of Scientology and send all the criminals in it to Guantanamo for crimes against humanity.
365. Defeat the Reapers.
366. Get Kaldor Draigo into an intervention because he's hooked on fucking Warp Dust.
367. Light my scented candle collection for proper relaxation.
368. Collect all Crux Terminus badges so I can put my Golden Armour back together.
369. Come up with the most absurd, annoying, head wrenching question I possibly can.
370. Ask it repeatedly to that Zathras tool and laugh as his brain explodes.
371. Create a giant can of bug spray and use it on all of the Tyranids
372. Make Captain Titus Papa Smurf. We need someone who can make decisions without reading the book Rowboat Girlyman wrote 10,000 years ago.
373. Steal the blood ravens
374. Everyones mother.
375. Do some stretching because 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck!
376. Drop kick a Hive Tyrant into the sun.
377. Order a pizza, because it's been fucking years since I had take away food.
378. Find a xenos controlled planet, and bomb the fuck out of the filthy xenos scum! Note to self: Orks are probably easiest.
379. Astrally visit other space opera universes to see how they do things, then make fun of them.
380. Find some more things to do.
381. Find a living Astral knight,
382. Find a cloning device for said Astral Knight,
383. Create a Primarch for Astral Knight 2.0.
384. Forgive the people of Krieg of their 1000 year old rebellion and tell them to stop being meatshields. Well, bigger meatshields than the guard usually are.
385. Make deep strike safer so we don't have to fucking kill all the terminators
386. Shoot whoever started the whole 'maetal bawkses' thing. I mean, Jesus, rhinos are elaborate machinery!
387. Tell the Orks they're drunk and should go home.
388. After collecting all the crux terminatus pieces, sell them on eBay and give all the money to THQ so they can finally fucking make Dark Millennium Online.
389. Kill myself. I'm a lost cause, and seriously, we all know everybody wants a female starchild an emperor with tits.
390. Make warp dust into a smokable drug.
391. Tell the angry marines that they can fuck off themselves.
392. Make the Imperial Guard useful.
393. Kill whoever wrote the last entry for extreme heresy.
394. Give Commissar Yarrick better stats.
395. Slap each and every Blood Angel for ever siding with or allowing their Battle-brothers to side with Necrons, at any point.
396. Do a Word Bearers with said Blood Angels - in front of Guilliman's preserved body.
397. Teach all my children's Legions that I made each of them different for a reason. Inform Ultramarines to "think of the next step" if things don't go as planned but tell them it's nothing personal. Do CPR to Guilliman.
398. Give each guardsmen a pair of brass balls to intimidate their enemies/allies with.
399. Trazyn was here.
400. Find and anally rape a Daemonette Slaanesh.
401. Take pictures of Schlicktau and give them to Faptau and Vice-versa
402. Put a Giant Fleshlight in to a Emperor class Titan just to have another one fuck it/Fuck it himself
403. Have a Ultramarine get lost in it.
404. Make everyone look at Daemonette Titties for 1 hour a week.
405. Install a Slut dispenser into the Golden Throne.
406. Have Ultramarines drink alcohol so they are not so fucking boring. They might not be able to get drunk off of it, but that's what the elephant tranquillizer is for.
407. Find out where my Bitches of Silence [1] went.
408. Find the Sanguinor and beat him in a duel.
409. Following my inevitable victory against the Sanguinor, find out who the fuck he is and bitch slap him. If he is Sanguinius he deserved it for not announcing himself for who he is and not fixing my crumbling empi <=HERESY. If he is not Sanguinius he gets another bitch slap for impersonating my second favorite son.
410. Set the record straight regarding Ollanius Pius.
411. Get Jango Fett to lead storm troopers.
     1. Clone him
     2. Use his gene-seed to create an army of Bounty Marines
     3. Get them to assassinate all the assassins
     4. Take them as the new Officio Assassinorum
     5. Ensure the original never makes one his son. I am not dealing with a spontaneous Sarlac Pit every few years.
412. Officiate the wedding of Second Lieutenant Miranda Nero & Captain Titus. If the Space Marine plot was to continue, they would end up getting married
413. Canonize Robin Willams [2] as a mother fucking Imperial Saint. Why? Because I like to laugh and he makes me feel good. THAT'S WHY!
414. Resurrect Lord Solar Macharius as he seemed like a pretty competent general as well as a tactical genius.
415. Play Cards Against Humanity.
416. Resurrect those dumbass Inquisitors who started a war with the Space Wolves and then execute them as example for how fucking stupid they were
417. By any means necessary get it into the Inquisition's thick skulls that they were wrong for a starting a war with the Space Wolves and apologize for being heartless dumbshits.
418. Get some proper aircraft. We fucking need 'em.
419. Change the battle doctrine of the Imperial Guard to rely more on air superiority and less on throwing waves of men and tanks the enemy.
420. Cure Indrick Boreale of his speech impediment (and death).
421. Find Vulkan
422. Troll Trazyn the Infinite and steal his everything.
423. Build an army of sexy robot waifus that don't need to carry weapons because they everything the need built into them. If some animes and JRPGs can do it then I can do it better. Also make them all lesbians
424. Figure out which branch of the Imperium to put the above army into.
425. Convince all orks that I'm the most powerful being in the universe and that I can't be killed.
426. Put an end to youtube's copyright policy, and kill the idiots who came up with it.
427. Include an online tutorial on Games Workshops' website for each game it sells. If it's good enough for Privateer Press and Fantasy Flight Games it's good enough for us.
428. Do away with the practice of separating Terminator Squads between ranged and assault. The Dark Angels made the idea work and Terminators don't carry anything that warrants staying at long range as it is.
429. Go back to before the Age of Strife and steal/reclaim all the the lost STCs, and whole Forge Worlds if necessary.
430. Mass produce skimmer felblades.
431. Destroy all overused memes.
432. Help the 'crons reach their apotheosis thing, and then have the Angry Marines Cock nob 'em so they don't fuck with my Imperium.
433. Get those two Sisters of Battle to confess to each other already. Seriously. I'm tired of them acting awkward and shy around each other when they are clearly in love.
434. Install a speech device on the golden throne, just incase I need to fix the Imperium's fuckups if i fall asleep on the job again.
435. Snort some warp dust.
436. Stop the custodians from oiling themselves up and actually do somthing fucking useful
437. Give the Ultramarines a new role, as dog sitters for the Space Wolves.
438. Give the Dreadknight pilots a badass helmet or something so snipers don't destroy them
439. Go into the Rock and either bitchslap Luther or the Lion depending on who the Watchers in the Dark tattle on
440. Upgrade all Imperial Titans so they can fly
441. Find out what Watchers in the Dark actually look like under their robes.
442. Find out what Angels Sanguine faces look like under their helmets. Bitch slap them - in the face (if it is actually possible). Every single one of them.
443. Resurrect Relic, and ensure that they make the rest of the Space Marine Series, Titus deserves to be a motherfucking Primarch
444. Make it imperial law that at least once a year every guardsman in the universe is allowed one free beer for the shit they do, hopefully that should prevent their temptation to go heretic on my arse
445. Also, make a chain sword, sword chain to literally whip the imperium back into shape.
446. Hold the Primarch of the year awards ceremony again, hopefully Horus can stay away this time.
447. Fap
448. Prevent the victory of Chaos in The End Times so that Games Workshop has to advance the story instead of pulling a shit reboot that changes nothing
449. Declare non-furry aliens that can interbreed with humans and have fertile off-spring close enough to being humans*BLAM*
450. Get better cooperation the Imperial Navy and Imperial Guard. I lose far too many brave gaurdsmen because the navy's incompetence leaves them without air support!
451. Demote Commander Kubrik Chenkov because that idiot isn't fit to lead a parade, and put him in some random platoon that's never heard of him where he might actually kill more enemies than guardsmen.
452. Head into the Fallout universe and grab those plasma weapons. I am not letting highly explosive weapons to stay in use. Seriously, It is like playing Russian Roulette with a Exterminatus
     1. Also, get the laser rifles. NO. MOAAAR. FLASHLIGGHTSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
453. Pat the Black Dragons on the back for putting up with all the shit that's thrown at them.
454. Buy out Google and enforce Fair Use on Youtube with an iron fist.
455. Berate the Adeptus Custodus for not preventing Goge Vandire's rise to power. Lazy fucks being lazy led to the worst thing for mankind since the Horus Heresy.
456. Steal a World Engine and start destroying Daemon Worlds with it.
457. Have a backup plan for destroying Daemon Worlds if the World Engine can't do that.
458. Finally defeat Leman Russ in an eating contest and a drinking contest.
459. Find the Black Library and empty its contents. Then wreck it.
460. Bring Ahriman to it and then trick him into thinking that the Black Library was just an elaborate hoax to troll him.
461. Punish the Grey Knights for turning on the Space Wolves and not chopping the heads off those dumbass Inquisitors who decided the appropriate response to the Space Wolves wanting to spare the survivors of the Armageddon War was to try and kill them.

List for the stupid ideas (and Bad grammar)

1. Spheeesh marrines (Example)
2. Lerpppeyeyeyeyeye
3. NEED MORE METAL BAWKSES
4. MUST NOT LET THEM TAKE AWAY OUR METAL BAWKSES
5. METAL BAWKSES IS OUR PRECIOUS
6. WAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
7. WE HAVE FEHLED TEH EMPRAH
8. MOAR DAKKA
9. KHORN LOEV PONEH
10. WHERE IS MY BABY
11. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
12. Creed was here. No, I wasn't. Now I am! Not anymore. Just as planned.

One click to bottom of list

433. Help the 'crons reach their apotheosis thing, and then have the Angry Marines Cock nob 'em so they don't fuck with my Imperium.

434. Get those two Sisters of Battle to confess to each other already. Seriously. I'm tired of them acting awkward and shy around each other when they are clearly in love.

435. Install a speech device on the golden throne, just incase I need to fix the Imperium's fuckups if i fall asleep on the job again.

436. Snort some warp dust.

437. Stop the custodians from oiling themselves up and actually do something fucking useful

438. Give the Ultramarines a new role, as dog sitters for the Space Wolves.

439. Give the Dreadknight pilots a badass helmet or something so snipers don't destroy them

440. Go into the Rock and either bitchslap Luther or the Lion depending on who the Watchers in the Dark tattle on

441. Find out where Malal is lurking in the realm of non-existence, aid himself and his Sons of Malice in destroying the Chaos gods, and then bitch-slap him back to his relm of non-existence

442. Make a army of dogs (actual dogs not mutants or space wolves.) give them reinforced environmental suits and volkite weaponry, sit back and watch as the enemies of man are killed by a pack of mutts

443. Smoke weed everyday